Taranator

Florida

2012-01-18T07:37:00.001-08:00

Written yesterday

I just arrived in fort Myers Florida! It was snowing back home so I think ill survive with 80degree temps for a few days:) Though my starch white skin may not.

I'm speaking at a life insurance conference. It's such a privilege to do this. It is still healing knowing that I am helping people, encouraging and motivating them to speak to their clients about the need for life insurance.
I flew alot of hours today. But honestly I love to fly. Ok I don't like getting up at 4am or going through security, the stinky (love that word) plane, the grumpy ppl or the germs I can hear being coughed into the air.

But I love the time i have. When I fly I know I am going to meet with God (not literally, I like my planes in the air thank u:) but I know I will find God because I am looking for Him. He is always there.
My bible opened, journal opened, waiting, waiting for the words, the lesson(s) he will show me, the Grace he Bestows upon me and the humility i know i Will discover. It's a privilege to sit before God. To seek Him is an honor, it's not a chore.
I feel close to God when I fly. Walking in the airport I drift past the magazine store, they aren't bad but ya gotta admit, they distract. They take me away from discovering what god has for me, the greater joy that I know is there. Although God did create Martha Stewart :) and I do read magazines, but not today, not at the airport.
I want to b filled with the right things, I am craving more.
I am also reminded that I can have this alone time with God anywhere (after the babes are in bed or out) but I have to take that time too.
I look out the plane window, just after 7am, which to me is the most beautiful time of day. The clouds float below, we rise above. The sunrise in the distance, coral colored beauty teasing the tops of the clouds, daylight is coming.

And what catches my eye most of all is the moon, dangling without a care. Crescent shaped, just a sliver of a greater thing. And I am reminded that what I will experience of the Lord today is only a sliver of his greatness, of his glory. And yet that is all I need to fill and overflow this girl.
What love to let us experience him, to fill us with himself, with a joy that surpasses all joy.
Let yourself seek Him, ask for Him, and wait in expectation as u spend time with him.
Beg to see his blessings, beg to see the face of God through your day. Let him have his way with you.
And let the words you read be a reflection of the life you live today.

You never know who God will lead you to, when u open your eyes to him he will always give u clearer Lenses to see a greater need than yourself.
(coming from experience)

Well I'm off to hunt for alligators! (I actually really Want to see one!)

One of those days....

2011-12-13T22:03:00.000-08:00

I write it in my journal for the fourth or fifth time:

"JOY: it is most difficult to find joy for me in the everyday life."

What is joy anyway? - rejoicing, gladness, enjoyment, bliss - to celebrate.

The Bible talks alot about joy over and over, joy only comes from God. Joy is different than happiness because happiness is an emotion, joy is truth that can (but doesn't always) become emotion. Joy is so entangled in God that you could say joy is God and God is joy.
Joy is/can be constant whereas happiness is not.

Yet It is a constant battle for me. It always has been. It's easy when you have something to look forward to, when you can keep looking forward to the next "happy" time. When you know you will get a break from the "everyday." But when it is just day to day stuff dealing with people, for me, little people and doing stuff..... finding joy can be a battle.
Doing the dishes, making food, cleaning toilets, making beds, doing laundry, folding laundry..... it can so easily be actions...and mundane and can easily make anyone grumpy!

Today was just, "one of those days." The boys were a lot of work today and I know it is these days that are opportunities for some of my biggest times of growing, but today I just wanted to crawl back into bed and sleep and grow another day! Alas we had to go grocery shopping. As we pulled in and I stopped the car, I just stared, you know that stare right? The I am so so tired, and tired of kids who aren't obeying stare, the stare that says, my fridge is almost empty so I absolutely have to open my car door and walk into that store but everything else in me wants to drive home and sink beneath my covers and catch up on the sleep i am obviously missing?!!? Yes that stare.

I prayed for strength. Then i turned around and told the boys how they were to behave and 1 1/2 hrs later we were back in the car. The boys did awesome. i actually felt a little refreshed.

Then we came home and dinner brought me back to that hard place. No one wanted to sit on their bottoms, no one wanted to eat all their food. So I pulled the oldest trick in the book. I sent them to bed. 6:20 and both boys were sound asleep.

After preston died I always said that I had to fight for joy.

I did.

And I won.

I won because of this one simple yet profound promise:

"Draw near to God and he will draw near to you" - James 4:8

I clung to God with everything in me, He was all I wanted. I fought for joy because I knew it was my survival to get through the day. I asked God for joy, I knew he was capable of giving it and I opened myself up to him to work in my heart so i could see the joy around me.

Today looks different, I am dating a man so great.... so soooo great. A man who captures my attention, my heart and all the love I can muster. Life is more than i ever imagined. I am more content than i ever have been. I don't feel I need anything else. Anything else would just be icing on the cake. And that is the first time in my life I have ever been able to say that.

I am so thankful.

God's gift of my boys and Kevin gives me joy but I still live the everyday, I still do all the same things I did before Kevin, and it is there in the "doing" that I find joy hardest to find.

Before Kev, I craved him. I craved that other person to help me and walk through life with and now praise God, I have him. I remember wondering ok so tara, God gives you a man and then what? life is just perfect? What will my relationship with God look like? Often when we finally get an answered prayer it is easy to step back from God, not away, not far away, just back a little.... bc we feel maybe we don't need him as often, maybe we're busier with our answered prayer - that you know, He gave. I never would want that. I prayed that I would always crave God above all else because I have worshiped man before and it's not fulfilling. And I think God is really really teaching me in a huge way what it means to need him everyday: when life is great.

I know how to cling to God when life is hard, but when life is good... I didn't do such a good job at it before preston died, and after he died I had an excuse as to why i was having a bad day, oh i am grieving, oh I am a single mom. I have been given a second chance when life is good and I am not going to waste it.

On days like today I think about three things...

1. I think getting JOY starts with thankfulness and being thankful is praying and pretty sure that's a key to life. Thankfulness for big things but also little details, seeing God in the little details of our day. I looked and found these details all day long today, it doesn't take away from my disobedient children haha, I wish it did! but it does add joy where I was not seeing joy before. And when you are constantly in prayer you are far more likely to pray when those around you are driving you crazy and not act in anger.

2. I am also thankful for my salvation. Salvation isn't something I can give myself, it was a gift from God through Jesus that I totally didn't deserve. It was by His grace that I was saved.

And this thought is so helpful remembering that gift and that this is not all about me. I am not the center of my universe (as much as society tells me otherwise) Salvation is God's so it is about Him. And the irony that the world doesn't know is that when God is magnified and we aren't Joy results. I find joy when I remember my name is written in Heaven.

3. I find joy in knowing that God is working in my life, even though I don't see how he can mold me and grow me some days through the "doing" in my day, if I allow him to work he will and I can rejoice and find joy in what he is and will do through the everyday. And just a side note, when you do see God working write it down, then when you are struggling you can look back at your monuments and remember He is faithful.

"You will seek me and find me, when you seek me^(C) with all your heart. I will be found by you, declares the LORD" - Jeremiah 29:13

So, bad mommy day. But I still found joy and I am thankful for that. Joy doesn't always mean a huge smile on your face, sometimes it's just peace in knowing that God is in the everyday. Finding Joy brings me closer to God, helps to lighten my mind, my mood.... my heart. And it magnifies God because he is the giver of all the little details I'm thankful for.

Hope you can find joy in the everyday!

For all you crafters out there:)

2011-11-20T22:57:00.000-08:00

You know those moments throughout the day or at that moment at the end of the day when you just feel your little world, as great or not so great as it is, has completely exhausted you and you just want to collapse right where you're standing and sleep for a week? But alas, you can't because you are not done being a mommy for the day or you have a pretty little mess awaiting you or ( you fill in the blank)? I felt like that tonight.

I told the boys it's time for bed so upstairs we ran - yes you read that right, I have two boys:) They had a bath, infused with glow sticks. And I don't know if it was the excitement of the glow sticks, the short nap they had today or the jawbreaker they licked for over an hour, (yummy) but their energy levels were no where near coming down. I let them play for a little while longer while I sat on the floor and watched them race back and forth and back and forth, all while they are laughing hysterically over the fact that they are chasing one another, ps I love brothers.

Well, It all ended when I smelled something burning and after I raced downstairs to make sure the christmas lights weren't burning (they weren't) I put my sniffer into action and smelled light sockets, nightlights, I smelled dirty pants (mmm), something still smelled like it was burning, but what!?

Then I saw it....

a little smoke rising from the lamp on the nightstand between the boys bed, and a tiny rubber tire resting ontop of the lightbulb, innocently being burned bc a child was curious. I took a deep breath and pulled that melting tire off that light bulb. I looked into the faces of my boys, and the one who cannot lie, my eldest, was staring at me in complete repentance, "I'm so sorry mommy! I didn't know what would happen!" Well at least he was sorry, I lectured him and told him he almost burnt the house down (hey shock factor is a part of parenting right?) and he said he would never do it again! He was actually pretty cute, it would have been impossible to get really mad. Well, down came the energy, phew! I love them soo much and I am so thankful they had fun (aside from the burning tire;), I just couldn't keep up tonight!

I read them a story, sang, prayed with them and then sluggered downstairs to my awaiting mess of Christmas decor, that i had zero motivation to put up.

I resorted instead to doing one of my most favorite things, talking to Kevin (on the phone). Kevin is wonderful, he makes me laugh, he brings me endless joy and he is the biggest reason why I don't get too much done at night anymore. And I am becoming more and more ok with that - the not getting anything done part. I clean and get some things done when he isn't around, but when it comes time to talk to Kevin or for him to come here, everything else is put on hold. How many times do you really get to fall in love? I say soak it up!

I have been enjoying every cuddle, and every sweet moment, and I smile until my cheeks hurt. Why not? Kev is easy to love, & we have a blast together. He is such a good good man. I am blessed to know him and even more blessed to be able to love him and be loved by him!

But I get little done while falling madly in love with this man. I have been trying not to live my life as a hamster, running as fast as my legs can carry me on that little wheel (aka life) and it's hard. I run my own little business SEEN HERE and that is soo much fun, but takes priority after my boys and Kevin and is doing really well by the way - thank you to all those who have supported me! And I like to dip my fingers into crafts, art, writing, decorating, creative kid stuff! I always have some project going, always have someone I need and want to catch up with and then there are the LISTS, I am obsessed with lists, how does anyone get anything done without them? So then I have the things my lists remind me to do, the things that I have to do but would rather not, like pay bills, fix burnt out light bulbs (still on the list), set up this account, call that company, wash the dishes, do the laundry, dry cleaning (on the list for a year now) praise the Lord I don't have a pet (see one more reason you shouldn't have a pet:) I wish I was an animal lover, wait no i dont'...i just wish I was so I didnt' shudder when a dog licks me:P

I think we convince ourselves we really need to do this or that or get such and such done if we want to succeed (not talking about bills and that type stuff) and we feel we failed if our mental to do list isn't completed by days end but I think alot of that is in our heads, I think that just maybe we put too much on our plates, i know I do!

If I see a good craft I usually convince myself I have to make it! It's like my brain wont' stop thinking about it until I do. BUT.... in the big picture it's just going to stress me out more if I put it before doing something i really should be doing. (are you non crafters laughing at how i see craft projects as a vital part of life? laugh away haha i know you got your crutch too lol)
So I realized if I'm going to spend my free time in the evenings with Kevin then i have to be alot more choosy about what I do when I have that little bit of free time without him there and lately it has been spent doing my bible studies (instead of crafts), which is pretty sweet too.

I think this is called prioritizing :-) Apparently I'm still learning.

So I am trying my best to SLOW down, enjoy my boys more, enjoy Kevin and not stress about NOT doing EVERYTHING i think i should be doing. I think we could all use a little slower pace of life, soak up every moment you can with your kids, with your special someone, pay those bills but don't stress if your house isn't perfect when you have company (telling myself that too) or if you haven't checked off everything on your list as you slip into bed, I think both you and I will be thankful we snuggled on the couch, played with our kids, read a good book or had coffee with a friend instead of finishing that Christmas wreath (my next project lol) or making the house spotless.

As Kevin so graciously told me tonight, "Tara, you're mess will still be there in the morning, don't worry about it:)" ha ha exactly. Anyway... dating Kevin has caused me to learn alot, but today I am very grateful for the "slowing down and just enjoying part. I'm embracing the things that really matter and I am less anxious and I'm pretty sure that's a good thing for everyone close to me (unless you are my mom or my sister who helps me tidy up alot more now!!)

Brokenness

2011-11-13T23:07:00.000-08:00

While I fall deeply into love, while I am swept off my feet by a man so wonderful, so great. Chaos storms around us, not directly affecting us but our community. In the past month and a half four lives, all kids under the age of 19 have been swept into death and the cloud that covers this town is heavy.

Death is all over the news in our towns, in our country, in our world. Isn't life so surreal? One falls in love, one dies, one marries, one buries a loved one? It's too much to think about some days, the journey of our lives, the laughter, the blessings, the joys, and then the valleys of loss, pain, sadness, and deep sorrow.

I dont' mean to dampen the mood of "love in the air" because it is soo there and trust me I have no doubt there will be more love posts! Kevin is incredible, he's hard to resist sharing about. But I do find it hard to only speak of love, as if to say when my pain ceases so does everyone elses. My fb pet peeve is insensitivity.

Life is going really well for me, but I still gaze into a painful world, a world full of brokenness. We can try to gaze beyond the brokenness, try and wear lenses that block it all out. Smile even though we're torn by all we see. The brokeness can fill our homes, we can't escape it, our families are torn by the cracks and the baggage of this world. It's easy when you watch the pain of others on the news, you can turn that off but to actually realize there is so much brokenness just outside your door and that it effects you and calls you to do something about it, or I suppose ignore it until you no longer can is a very big deal.

I look around me and see the families of loved ones taken by death in unbearable pain, a friend cries herself to sleep over an ex that has ripped her world apart. I see a single mother barely holding on. I see the arrows of painful words pierce another friend. I see betrayal and lies and gossip. Some of that stuff is centered on selfishness, but some of it is the fact that we live in world littered with imperfect ppl doing imperfect things (aka sin).

I am reading the book, "A thousand Gifts" by Ann Voskamp and wow, it is such a good read! A hard read though, but soo worth it!! And by hard I mean she doesnt' sugar coat a thing, says it just like it is, so by hard I mean great, life changing:)

She describes humans so well:

"We are hungry. We eat. We are filled...... and emptied" (because we eat the wrong things, the things that don't really fill us)

We crave something more than this brokenness. We crave LOVE so we find a compatible partner. We crave acceptance so we make sure we're accepted (I know, that was a deep one) We crave beauty so we dress the role, we wear beauty. We crave control so we find a way to be in control of something (just ask my strata president:) We can find love, we can find beauty and control but it wont' heal us, it will only help for a little while.

We try to fix what is broken, but we use glue that doesn't hold and definitely doesn't heal. I am a crafter, I know glue doesn't hold as well as it claims. Spray glue, wood glue, gorilla glue, it's not all the same and none of it holds forever, just ask the pumpkins I tried to stack:) But you know what glue I mean...the stuff we use as bandaids to cover our brokenness. We all want a world not torn by evil, isn't peace the ultimate dream?

It's easy to find yourself at the end of the day, when the make-up is off, the friends are gone for the night, the fun is over for the day and we lay in our beds and our hearts are still left craving more, we can have a good day and still crave more.

I think it is our hearts that are the real problem, our hearts have holes, our souls have holes, they need to be fixed if we are to live the way we were made to live... maybe I'm preaching to the choir, but just maybe one of you can't sing;)

Our hearts, our souls, whatever you call it. The part of us that craves MORE. What if we fix the root of the problem rather than trying to decorate the branches?

Even for Christians, the days I am craving something more are the days I filled myself with everything BUT Jesus. I fill myself with him and I am satisfied, everytime.

"In this world you will have trouble, but take heart, I HAVE OVERCOME THE WORLD" How did Jesus overcome the world?

WITH LOVE

He overcame this broken messed up world so that our hearts could be fixed and that we can have a relationship with God, so that when we find ourselves feeling emptiness, and craving something more we find HIM and we are satisfied and crave no longer, He is enough.

Even as Christians we may have the right foods in front of us but we don't always choose to eat the "God foods" which are the foods that heals, restores and fills until we are satisfied.

We will constantly b disappointed if we search for the ultimate satisfaction in the things this world has to offer.

So if you are human. If you live in this world you see the brokenness and now you know, if you didn't already, that there is a healer, there is hope and there is beauty beyond the devastation. We were made for more, but our souls are lost, they r dislodged from their ultimate purpose, that purpose being found in Jesus' death and resurrection.

I have craved alot in this life, but nothing satisfies like God, He is the one who fills that emptiness. there is No escaping the pain and the ruin, being a Christian doesn't mean life is fixed, but there is one who can save your soul from it's own ruin and restore you to what you were meant to be, bc there is only one who can complete you. And trust me when you are filled with Jesus your journey will be one of beauty, no matter what happens along the way.
The beauty of feeling empty is that it opens us to the opportunity to b filled.

Grasp the immense love of God and soak in it. Let the love that Jesus showed at the cross rain down over your life, and soak in his grace, let him take your brokeness and your pain FROM living in a broken world and let his love penetrate your life. Choose Jesus and let him show you just who He is.

The latest:)

2011-10-02T13:43:00.000-07:00

This was one of my last journal entrys,

"Lately I have felt there was a spiritual battle going on in my life, like I kept hearing this voice say, "God doesn't love you that much, he wouldn't let you suffer so much if he really loved you." But I am determined to stay faithful to you Lord because I know that is a lie. Though the wind blows and the thunder crashes this house will not blow down. You are my great God. Please God, help me. Help me remain faithful through the storms, help me to feel your love.

Lord I have desires,

BUT I love and I want you more.

I don't understand your plan God,

BUT I trust in you, you are trustworthy

I am not going to sit around and live in the reasons I could be sad about, or dwell on what I do not have, i am going to live a full and beautiful life, me and my boys.

I look back on the past three years and i see a girl who has seen much pain. I cry for that girl, I ache for her still.

BUT I will rest in Jesus, I will hope in HIM

I will pray with confidence because I know he can do ALL things, and i will wait in eager expectation for God to bring my season of dancing.

A week later I met Kevin:)

My friend Ed worked with him and then told me he had found the perfect man for me. I was really hesitant, and more turned it into a joke, not that I doubted Ed's matchmaking skills, but I didn't know anything about this guy. That is scary for a mom with kids, you want to know something about a guy, some of his past, be friends with his friends, know a little of his character. But Ed is a good man too, he did all the hard work for me, i had no desire to meet a guy and have to tell him my whole story, that was actually something I prayed i wouldn't have to do shall i ever meet a guy. So Ed goes onto tell me he told Kevin all about my story and even showed him the insurance video that tells our whole story! He wanted to see if this guy could handle it. I thought that was pretty brutal, but Ed assures me he knew what he was doing! Kevin wasn't scared away and his good reaction to it convinced me that maybe he was worth meeting.

So as any gentleman in the 21st century would do, Kevin added me to facebook;) I found out we actually had quite a few mutual friends, so like any good mom I asked them about him and only heard great things! We talked for a few days online and really, really connected. Aside from his mad hunting skills we seemed to be a really great match;) He was hilarious, sweet, kind, loves the Lord, and is a gentleman through and through. We talked on the phone for a few days after that, our first phone conversation was 4hrs! I haven't done that..... ever:) I hung up the phone and my heart was racing, joy filled my heart and I fell asleep smiling:) This all happened the week of the three year anniversary of Preston going home, what perfect timing God.

We decided to meet, and ended up hanging out the entire day! We just hit it off right away:) Kevin is a gift giver, (I'm a fan) so for our first date he got me a gift that had me rolling with laughter. I really don't like hunting, though I love outdoors, but shooting an animal and gutting it makes me want to heave. Kevin, well he loves to hunt, and actually he makes it sound much better than I had previously thought, or maybe I'm just blinded by his charming good looks. But we turned the whole love/hate hunting relationship into a joke and were able to laugh about it. So he bought me: silicone bear skin rug coasters! they are the greatest. He also bought me a nice mug to use them with them, this boy is goood.

After that it only went up hill. Well.... aside from my children putting him through the fire, ALOT. When he met the boys they hit it off right away. Jake is usually very reserved with ppl, especially men, he clings to my leg around new ppl but when he met Kevin he was totally himself. He was more than himself he was and still is like super Jake, he just adores Kevin. He talks his ear off and really enjoys playing with him. Kevin is a big kid at heart and enjoys the boys and their toys alot, so it's a perfect match. That is such a gift in itself. i know enough woman to know not every guy likes his woman's kids. But Kevin pursued me knowing i had them and chose to embrace them as well.

But the boys have sure put him through the ringer! The first night we had a poopy pants incident, the second night one cute little two year old chugged water so much that he threw it all up:( and another day Micah had a tantrum that was so bad he cried and screamed, did the whole arching his back, i hate you mom kind of thing for over an hour. It was bliss. Music to our ears. And at the same time as the tantrum my dessert was not working out but I didn't want Kevin to know that my Martha Stewart skills were failing so I tried my best to hold it all together but all I really wanted to do was burst into tears. Micah finally calmed down but man..... that was a tough one. Dating with kids does not allow for sugarcoating anything, I cannot hide our imperfections, kids bring out the best and worst of us. So Kevin has seen us at our absolute worst and he is still choosing us. He is good at reassuring me that he is hooked and isn't going anywhere:) What a good man.

I am SO thankful for him. actually, that is an understatement. I tell God so many times throughout my day, "Seriously Lord, did you really just bless me with Kevin? THANK YOU!!!" God didn't have to, but he did. Some say I deserve someone so great, but I don't. I didn't deserve to be saved, but God is gracious and his love abounds more than my imagination can handle. God didn't have to, but he did:) And his gifts are perfect.

Kevin makes me feel safe, I feel secure and cared for. He loves the Lord MORE than me which is a huge gift. A relationship is tough work, especially with kids lol so if he can look to God and depend on God for his strength and his wisdom and i do too, we will be just fine.

Kevin prays with me each time we hang out, last night he prayed, "Lord help me to be a man worthy of this woman.... I cherish this woman.... please lead us and guide us..." I feel the same, not about me haha about him of course. He is a man who wants to serve, who wants to love with his whole heart and who is so dang good at it.

He is a man that I know without a doubt Preston would think is awesome! That's a big deal. i am closing the Preston and Tara chapter on my life more than i ever have. I guess I want to make Preston proud of my choices in life and I know he would just love Kevin. i think they would actually be great friends.

So that is my newest and greatest story! I am in awe so much, I know God has led us together so no matter what happens when God is involved there it will be ok. Which is why i feel confident telling you all this. You can pray for us though:) We are so thankful for your prayers always!

"God has turned my mourning into dancing:) I am so thankful for the gifts God has given! There is a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance. The season of dancing is here:) God is so good!! No matter what you are going through, put your hope in Jesus alone.

AMAZING STORY

2011-09-13T16:58:00.000-07:00

I have always known my insurance agent Jerry Braun to be a great guy. He first met Preston when we were pregnant with Jacob and it was where he introduced us to the gift of life insurance. Usually you don't get to know your agent too well, but just two years later our lives would collide again and a friendship would grow into a lifelong relationship.

I remember when it was time for Jerry to deliver the life insurance check to me. He met me and a friend over lunch one sunny afternoon, and I can clearly remember how his hands shook and he passed me the check over pizza in downtown portland. It was a first for us both, my first life insurance check and his first death claim. Who knew you could bond over something so sad:) I couldn't believe this was even real yet and I was so thankful to have an agent who was so thoughtful and caring and sincere about his work.

Over the months we developed a good friendship. The same time Micah was born Jerry and his wife also welcomed their little boy into the world! Our families were able to hang out a fair bit, Jerry is full of amazing puns that often had us rolling in laughter. We all got to go to Florida together for the REAL LIFE stories banquet in 09 and had such a great time there.

We have stayed in touch ever since and today I got a call from Jerry who wanted to share a story with me. A client of his, let's call Frank, came into Jerry's office three years ago, right around the time of Preston's death. The man was fairly busy and didn't have alot of time to sit with Jerry and talk, but Jerry had his priorities straight. He told Frank that he couldn't sleep at night if he walked away and Jerry didn't ask him about his plans for life insurance. He asked and was surprised to find that Frank, at age 35, father of one, didn't have any life insurance. Jerry shared our story, which was still so fresh and Frank being deeply impacted immediately chose to sign up for life insurance.

Here is the climax of the story, two years later Frank got cancer and six months later he passed away. My heart breaks for his family who has lost someone so precious to them. But now his only daughter can go to college and is blessed with a gift that her father left her.

Is that not incredible? Gave me chills for sure! I told Jerry I was SO proud of him for listening to his heart and sharing our story with Frank. Life insurance is really an intimidating topic to bring up with clients but it can make ALL the difference in the world. Because let's be real, 10 out of 10 of us will pass away and life insurance is one gift we can leave behind with hopefully a beautiful legacy of a life well lived.

If you don't have life insurance, all it takes is one phone call:) It is worth it. Learn from our story and "Franks" story:)

Hope you're all enjoying these last days of summer!!

Part 1

2011-08-27T11:37:00.000-07:00

Life is good!! SO good! I have been seeing God working through my trials in a big way. And it has nothing to do with a guy or any other earthly form of happiness! That's a huge deal because so often we pray for something, for a significant other, a new job, a baby, new direction in life and the list goes on and on. But when the days pass and we discover that those things aren't coming our way for the time being it can be discouraging, frustrating and really cause us to either draw closer to God or walk away.
We always hear about those people in the Bible or throughout history who remained faithful to God through their trials and I so wanted to stay faithful to God. Ya, when life got hard (again) I wanted to give up on him but I couldn't because I knew he was real.

So last post I said how i was just trying to fill myself with Jesus everyday and it has been so amazing. And that is something anyone can do:)
I read one of the verses that says "delight yourself in the Lord" hmmmm what does that even mean!? We can talk about the Bible all we want but if we dont' live it out, what's the use? So i asked God to show me and throughout reading the Bible I discovered that what I think it means is to: 'Make God your prize and your goal in life because there is absolutely nothing better." So that is what I have been doing, focusing on learning and knowing God more. And by spending good quality time with him each day and living out what I read, He becomes my greates prize. And therefore, the more you know God the more you can TRUST him with your life, and then all the more he gives you a desire for his will for your life.

I feel so much more whole and I can honestly say that I desire Jesus more than I desire a husband. And let me tell you, I told God, it's hard for me to even imagine not desiring something so much. So I know that God was the one who totally transformed my heart!! I still want to get married, but now it just doesn't obsess me. And everyday I have to say like multiple times a day, "God here are my desires, my prayers etc, I give them up to you and I trust you with my life and then just REST in Jesus."

So i don't have a guy in my life, but I'm totally ok with that! God has been opening my eyes to see the blessings all around me, he has been giving me such a heart of thankfulness and joy that I could NEVER have realized on my own. I feel so much more whole. Maybe it's because I'm doing what I was made to do. And the man who gets me one day will have a girl who doesn't need him to fulfill her, because she is already fulfilled in Christ.

I encourage you to remain faithful, even when you feel God has ignored or abandoned you! HE HASN'T!!! You are his treasure, he wants you to remain faithful, he LOVES you and I promise that you will feel that. There WILL be results in your waiting and in your trials, "Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart" -Ps 37. That might not be a physical blessing, maybe your faith will grow so tremendously that it will fulfill you more than anything on this earth ever could and that is the biggest prize! Trust me, it's refreshing and freeing.

I'm going to write another blog just under this one that is like part 2 to this one...... it's more of what is happening in my life:)

Part 2

2011-08-27T11:36:00.000-07:00

I took a very quick trip to portland this last week, I had to take care of a few things and I missed everyone sooo much; it was perfect timing. Sadly i didn't get to see everyone i wanted to, but there is always next time:) My amazing family watched the boys! I seriously was so happy I wanted to cry - u know those tears of joy? I am beyond thankful for all the ppl in my life, God has given me more than I could even imagine!!! So I had a great great great time and just wish Portland was closer!

I wrote this on the plane coming home. And is the continuation of part 2 to my above post:)

As I fly back from Portland this evening, I look down and it only takes a quick scan to find the 1-5. The highway where Preston died. The highway where part of me died. The highway that shattered my world and will forever b a part of my heart.

Before my trip to Portland, I had a bad flashback, I was driving home from a friends house late at night. Suddenly my eyes became fixed on the yellow stripe that runs down the middle of the road and instantly my mind was looking at the road Preston and I drove on that fateful night. I saw myself running across the road to Preston lying there, I knelt down to his side, badly scraping my knees, and all I could see was blood, fresh wounds, and the horror of the scene before me. I actually felt some of the same emotions i did that night, which may have been the most difficult part of the flashback. And then it was over.

I began to cry. Biting my lip and fighting back the loads of tears just waiting to come. I hate crying. I truly hate being sad. Then the song comes on, "give me Jesus" (Played at the funeral) and those tears that were waiting to come burst out.

But on this flight back from Portland as I look down onto I-5 i didn't see the blood or the horror, i saw me and Preston driving moments before the accident. He was holding my hand, Jake was fast asleep in the backseat. We were so enjoying each other. I had just read a book about heaven and I was telling Preston all about it (I'm still blown away by this) we talked about how incredible it would b to go to heaven (that has to be God). I remember looking at him and thinking, boy how I love this man. Minutes later he was taken home into the presence of Jesus.

As I'm writing this (on the plane) my iPod is playing the song, "Only You" by David Crowder. It was a song I had played repeatedly when the accident had first happened. One of the lines is: "It's just you and me here now (God)." and I was and still am so comforted by those words. No matter what happens God will faithfully be here with me and not only is he just here, He is molding and refining my heart into a girl who is crazy about him. I wouldn't want it any other way and even though this last three years have had its fill of sad days I can honestly say that I would not have it any other way, BECAUSE of the closeness I have experienced with God.

Nothing is better than God. Our momentary happiness is nothing in comparison to the relationship you can have with God no matter what the circumstances of your life may be.

God has lots to do in my heart yet and I know that I will still have bad days. But I am so thankful that he kept me faithful despite my wanting to give up. I have seen results within my trial. God has transformed my heart from being angry at him and feeling abandoned to craving him above anything or anyone else. And it isn't about me at all, it's about Him and the beauty, the creativity, the absolute power of Gods work in our lives. He deserves all the glory.

If he did it for me, he can do it for you! God has a vision for you, who he wants you to be in Christ and he wont' let you settle for anything less, be patient while he works, rejoice in the transformation of what he is and will do. And trust him all the way through.

"Will I believe? Do I really dare to let God be all to me that He says he will be?" (my utmost for his highest July 9th)

"Though he brings grief, he will show compassion, so great is his unfailing love" Lamentations 3:32

Rawness at it's best

2011-08-03T00:55:00.001-07:00

I had a bit of heartbreak the last couple months. I had a relationship with a guy that ended up not working out, leaving alot of pain on my end. I was totally hopeful and truly thought it would work out, dont' all widows end up marrying the first guy they meet? haha i'm kidding, but really, three out of 6 widows I know did! It all threw me back into the valley of sorrow and I hated that, I didn't choose that either, but I suppose i'm glad it ended when it did and that we weren't more committed. I am so thankful he showed me that I can feel again.

I chose to endure the pain, face it, give it to God and let him lead me out of this valley. Though I'll admit along the way I told him I'm pretty darn sick of pain! I honestly didn't think i could handle even a second more. I cried myself to sleep every night for two weeks, just emotionally exhausted. Not just over a silly boy, but you know when one thing is upsetting the small frustrating things that weren't a huge deal seem to be magnified, so if you're gonna cry about one, why not just cry about them all? I think it might also be identified as self pity:) My wise friend Marie once said, it's ok to be in the valley, you are safely surrounded by strong mtns (God) and there is a river running through that quenches your thirst. She's right but i needed to believe it again.

I'll admit I said to God, this is all too much, I really want to give up, if this is what you want for my life then I'll just go find my own happiness. (ya that's bad hey?) I am almost hesitating writing that because it's so embarrassing, but it's real. Every christian is entitled to a raw conversation with her Father, it's where the conversation ends that matters most. I have known a few ppl to give up on God once it got hard, and it was heartbreaking, I watched them walk away so empty. Following Christ is not an easy road. But no matter how hard I try i CAN'T reject God. I have seen him transform my heart in ways no relationship in all this world could do. He has refined me in ways I could never have on my own. This, on top of the facts of Jesus, who he was and what he did... i could never get around God.

I was talking to my mom about all of this and was just at the end of myself. I told her I don't know what to even pray...i've prayed it all, I'm exhausted... does God even see me, does he have any desire to rescue me from this valley? She responded with such wisdom. She said, Tara, you are trying to do this yourself, praying all the right and honest things and that's good, but have you completely surrendered it all to Jesus, & left it at his feet? You have forgotten that it's the Holy Spirit who comes and transforms our hearts, no matter HOW HARD you try to overcome your struggles it's not you who can do that, you can tell God all you want that you're frustrated, but you have to actually give it to him, even if you have to surrender 10x a day, empty yourself of YOU so that he can come in and work!

I am a complete believer in just talking to God in all your rawness, saying everything on your heart, even if you're angry with him, trust me, he can handle it. And the beauty of it is that he holds me while I scream. So I said to him, "Lord, I don't understand why life is a rollercoaster again, I feel defeated at single parenting, I feel alone, and I really don't feel you love me (based on my circumstances), I'm starting to doubt I'll ever be free of pain and I'm not too sure I like your will.....

BUT i KNOW you are real, I KNOW you love me. I KNOW you have a plan through all of this storm, help me believe it again. Help me to desire your will, help me to feel you're love despite my circumstances (b/c his love is not dished out just when life is going well). I give you ALL of this heaviness, I cannot carry this, but I know you can, Please fill me with YOU and help me see you, even with my creeping doubt. Please just help me through my unbelief and create me into the woman you envision. If I'm going to stay in this valley please give me the strength to endure it!!

So, I made an effort to fill myself with Jesus, I made it a point to search out scriptures on issues where I struggled b/c I knew it would defeat my unbelief, there is power in that Bible, it's not just a paper weight:)

I listened to alot of sermons at www.marshill.com (the app is awesome too) Mark Driscoll doesn't sugar coat anything and that's refreshing. I read scripture and I found myself really excited to spend that time with God again! I knew It lifted me up, it gave me strength and regained my hope in the one who has never abandoned me.

A few things I learned: (and I say them not to go on and on b/c I think i'm an amazing writer (ya right!) but in the hopes that you can learn through what I went and am going through)

Rejoicing in your trials does not mean rejoicing IN the trial, but IN the results of the trial after God does his work - maturing your faith and isn't that most precious?

I'm just going to full on quote Mark Driscoll because really, i cannot say it better

" In the middle of the trial, you can lose sight, start asking questions like God where u? I thought you loved me, why dont' you rescue me from this?

And Jesus comes and says, "I've been here. Let me take you through it. My power is made perfect in weakness. When you are weak i am strong. Rejoice in the Lord always." It isn't that we LOVE pain, it is that we LOVE Jesus and if pain is what is necessary to be more like him and to have more of him then we rejoice in the pain b/c in the end we get Jesus! We get to be more like him and we get to be with him, our faith is purified and we rejoice in that.

LIke a woman in childbirth, It hurts, you're screaming, you're bleeding, you're weeping, you're crying it feels like you can't go on and you're smiling because LIFE IS COMING, newbirth is in front of you."

Feel it HARD and then rejoice, in an inexpressible way, rejoice in who Jesus is, what he did and what he is doing in your heart. Well said Mark.

After this I still had to deal with the fact that I felt a distance from God's love for me, I wanted to deal with it because why would I ever want to stay here!? I thought, If he really loved me why would he not give me some of the desires of my heart and rescue me from this valley? After all he gave me those desires. I surrendered this to God just a few nights ago and asked him to help me know how much he loves me, I actually didn't want him to give me anything physical because I have a tendency to see gifts as a big part of his love, which it can be, but his love is there regardless of his physical gifts. The next day I woke up literally in a blanket of his love, sounds totally cheesy right? But it was all consuming. I so strongly felt him saying that He loves me endlessly, and that he is in control of this valley.

So today it is not a matter of how long I am in this valley for, although I feel I am really coming out of it and am very thankful for that ~ learning is worth it, but it is difficult. What really matters is what God is doing within the valley, as painful as it is and he WILL b my strength to endure, and he will most definitely grow my patience. What has always been true still is. GOD IS GOOD. He IS working (and refining my faith). He DOES love me and he is ALWAYS faithful. He just helped me rediscover these truths in a way that I pray stays with me through every trial and valley I will go through.

I am working on being the best mom I can be, and trying my best to live out the transformation God has just done in my mind and my heart and continues to do in my life. I will never be the same b/c of it.

"But this I call to mind,
and therefore I have hope:

The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases;
   his mercies never come to an end;
they are new every morning;
    great is your faithfulness.
"The LORD is my portion," says my soul,
    "therefore I will hope in him."

²⁵The LORD is good to those who wait for him,
to the soul who seeks him." Lamentations 3:21-25

"Will I believe? Do I really dare to let God be to me all that he says He will be?" -My utmost for his highest, July 9th

Summer!

2011-08-03T00:55:00.000-07:00

Some of my dearest friends lost their dad this week in a farming accident. It's so so sad, and breaks my heart over and over again. All I can do is pray my heart out for them. It's so hard to understand, why does tragedy happen? But I experienced in my own life that God is the only one who can transform their hearts and help them get through one of the most difficult moments in their life. But please pray for the Haak family.

I have been super busy with the Farmers Market this past month, it takes up alot of my evenings, creating lovely little clips for the hair (so blogging gets neglected). But I have been living and learning a ton: see above post.

Summer has been great for us, the boys took swimming lessons and loved it! Jake's confidence level soared and he can now swim a few miles:) kidding! But he can swim with a life jacket, not touching the bottom! A big accomplishment for my timid little man:)

Micah jumps in (literally) with both feet, but I learned more than ever during his lessons that he is entirely stubborn, he will do what the teacher says and do it well, but always on his own time, not when she tells him... oy, what does this mean for when he is 16?! He is a bit of a bully, he picks on kids who seem weaker than him which usually means kids younger than him, but also means that sweet 3yr old who wouldn't hurt a fly:( Yet he is super sensitive! He crys if I raise my voice even a little, he has a HUGE heart and when he loves he loves so sweetly, he's so wonderful and so mean all in one cute little package. But I do notice an improvement if i tell him before we see friends he is not allowed to push, hit or pull hair! Let's hope he outgrows this one sooner than later!

tongues like the frog we caught!

Waterpark! They look so excited:)

Jake is into sneaking into my bed at 3am! I wake up to him kicking me, such a great feeling:) I asked him the other day how he gets here and he says, I just walk in, i dont' even ask so then you can't say no!" Smart little cookie. I said what if i ever got married? What would he do then? He says, "I'd sleep in the middle!"

We were able to spend a few days at the lake with some friends that Preston and I were really close to, it was such a refreshing time and made me wish so much that all my close friends and I could just live in the same place!!

We actually did go camping (outside our house) and survived! It was awesome, we'll go again sometime this summer. But I'm a two day kind of camper, any longer and I just feel dirty! We have company coming and a couple other trips in the works!

Anyway...I am up way to late, i need to sleep!

Camping inside

2011-06-25T23:35:00.000-07:00

It's not the norm that you camp inside, however summer has not yet arrived here!! We have wind in abundance and plenty of chilly evenings, although the swarms of mosquitos would say it's summer, it really isn't. I long to sit out on my deck at night and take in the beauty of the mountains, but it's cold and I'm totally a wimp. I'll be cold with a friend, but not by myself ha ha.
So we decided to set up our tent in our house. And it's a good thing we set it up in the biggest room in the house because it is a huge tent! check it out:

And can I tell you, tent instructions stink. My poor sweet children were so patient while I attempted not once but three times to properly set it up. i can't say I wish Preston were here, because I don't think he'd do much better than me! But we would have had a great time laughing at our failed attempts. We are city slickers at heart:) I grew up going camping - in a camper! And that is entirely different.

So I woke up and felt a little down. I'll admit. Weekends are still hard, almost three years later and I still miss weekends as an intact family. I had it really good. I cannot help but crave that again. It was beautiful. And I'm surrounded by almost entirely all married friends so weekends are when people hang out with their families and do all that family stuff where the dads are there to help out and husband and wife can sit and enjoy one another at night and not worry about the weekly grind. I know that's ideal and that doesn't happen every weekend in every house, but that's what I do think of when weekends hit. I remember those times. When Preston and I had down time we worked hard at reconnected and just enjoying each other. I miss that. I miss having that partner through life that no matter what happens it's not as bad because you have each other. Can you tell I've missed him a ton lately?

ANYWAY, sidetracked, oh the beautiful mind of a girl!

So I'm feeling down and I am a fighter. I refuse to stay down. I might feel sad all day long but I'm not going to let it take my life over. So we decided camping at home would be a great highlight to our weekend. We went out and bought a firepit, it's small and super cute and I'm not sure if those are words one should use to describe a firepit but once you see it you'll just have to agree. It's got city slicker written all over it.

We roasted hotdogs, Jake was very nervous that we would burn them, he watched them so closely. Micah just wanted a roasting stick to dig in the sandbox with.

My two sweethearts, enjoying their dinner! Can you tell they are brothers?

After, we roasted marshmellows with our neighbors! They are a great family, single mom as well with two boys, what are the chances we are neighbors? We have an open fence policy:) We watched a movie with them after and then slept in our tent! It took micah an hour and half to fall asleep, he is a fireball all day long, which I love. I love his joy and his passion for... everything. Ok, except at 10:30 at night.

This morning I had to wake up early to go to the Farmers Market! My mom was going to do it with me, but she got the stomach flu overnight (we all had it blech!) and had to cancel. But she did however help me set up, seriously she's amazing. I normally sell at a different market, but my buddy, Britt couldn't come today. We sell hairclips and headbands for girls of all ages! It's a ton of fun! I did great today and aside from a nasty gust of wind come up and blow all my displays down and also try to take my tent with it I had alot of fun!

This is us every thursday morning!

And now to explain this next picture of Jake. After coming to visit me at the market last week he told me I needed some man stuff on my table (coming from the boy in the pumpkin hat). So I think, teachable opportunity! I told him he can come up with something and we can try to sell it. His idea was to go to home depot, buy some tool and resell them, that's manly enough. I told him his idea was great, but it has to be something he makes himself and really he has to be like 18 or something to actually sell so I knew I had to make it with him to justify this. So we came up with tools printed onto a canvas. I printed the tools out with my oh so wonderful silhouette sd machine - cuts virtually whatever I want it to! and we decoupaged them on! He did that part and the painting. Oh wait. He poured the paint while I painted, his choice:)
So we tried to sell them today! He came and sat with me and did so good! He was so patient... until he found the pumpkin hat at another vendors booth. He wanted it soo badly. I had to laugh, isn't it funny what kids get attached to? I said if he sells a painting he can buy one, he wasn't impressed because he was fairly certain no one was looking at the paintings closely enough, he even put them out front in front of my designs! Well my sweet friend bought one and he eagerly took off with her to buy his toque (american translation: beanie) I love this kid. Over the day he turned his dorky little hat into a superhero costume, complete with a canucks towel for a cape ( I chose not to burn it after they lost) and soccer socks for extra super human strength. oh and only underwear. It was adorable and made the hat worth every penny.

So this weekend turned out to be good:) The boys had a ton of fun and although I am still left craving that "best friend" I am beyond thankful for how God has blessed me through my children!

Trust, this means everything.

2011-06-21T23:34:00.000-07:00

Trust.
I have been having major trust issues and my heart seriously needed to be fixed.
Maybe you can relate?
When you read the word trust is it a comforting feeling? Or does it bring back memories of broken trust and the pain that was left behind? Trust can be bittersweet! It leaves a little bitterness if it gets broken, but it's sure sweet when it is done right. I have the best relationships when trust is done well.

I have always thought that i am an incredibly trusting person, unless of course there is obvious reason not to trust. And that comes partially because I have not had anyone deeply and painfully break my trust, I open my heart easily because I haven't had anyone crush it. I'm thankful for that but I know people are people and my turn may just come, yikes!

So I trust people naturally and easily, but trusting God, now there is where I'm weak. Let me clarify: I can trust God wholeheartedly without doubt when I am praying for a certain situation. I'll pray that God will help my sweet friend have a baby and trust that he will work in a powerful way in her life. I'll pray that god will help a struggling friend and I know he will. But what happens when I pray for my life, particularly my future, that sweet bliss of the great unknown!? That hits such a tender spot within my heart because... I totally suck at trusting God with my future. There isn't even a nicer way to say that, I really really suck.
I KNOW God is in control of my future, I know that he knows what will happen five minutes from now or five years from now. But I've been realizing I'm not ok with what he has for me if it doesn't include my current desires. And that's a big problem because if tomorrow doesn't' go how I hope it will then I'm left disappointed. I trust God until I think that maybe what he could be doing isn't what I want or what I need. Cause I'm so smart right? ha ha

I was reading a fellow widows blog (who is so great by the way, and so inspiring) and she said this:

"i’m realizing that there’s something so safe in just fixing my eyes on Jesus and allowing HIM to sort through the rest of my life. It’s a freeing feeling to be desperately clinging to the only One who has the control in the first place. Free’s me to look around and see so many blessings all around me!"

As I finished reading the last word I could feel my breathing slow, my shoulders start to slump and my heart begin to sink. It's when I realized how much I suck at trusting God in my particular circumstances. Within my heart I knew that I did not feel free when i let God take control of all my unknown tomorrows, not because of anything God has done but because I've locked my heart into trying to convince God what he should be doing with my future. I was not letting go of my desires.

In that shallow moment I just had to tell God how sorry I was that I had been acting like such a fool, I had the key to my own little jail and I didn't even realize it (ok totally lame analogy but it kind of fits right :-)
My prayer went something like this,
"God, I'm just so sorry I haven't been trusting you in this situation! I've been hoping you'd do what I want and trusting that you could do THAT but not trusting you if THAT doesn't happen. Please Lord help me not to think this way! You seriously have to help me here because that is a big jump for me to imagine letting go of my desires and trusting that your desires are even better than mine!"

And that's what I adore about the Lord, he is so brilliant at transforming hearts he went straight to work. I started reading scriptures about trusting God and he kept speaking to me through them, like in really obvious verses that I could not deny. I kept hearing him say within my heart, "Tara, I LOVE YOU, why would I ever do something in your future to hurt you? I work everything out for YOUR good and my glory. Trust me Tara, just lay it all down and trust me, I AM trustworthy. I love that when I hear God speak to my heart I never hear him beg for my trust or my love. Its just a quite confidence that is so irresistible.

It was in the light of his love that I was able to start to trust him. Gods unconditional love swept me into his trusting arms. He allowed me to let go of my fears and helped me to fix my eyes on Jesus and not on my own desires that I don't have control of anyway! And not kidding you I feel free. I feel free from desperately hoping for something, because I know whatever God has for me will be more beautiful than i can even imagine!!! Walking in God's light is sweeter and more freeing than anything this life can offer, I get it now.

I want God's story for my life! I commented to a friend the other day who is going through hard times, that one day we're going to be standing in Heaven looking back on our life and realizing that life really was so short and that we'll be so thankful God had HIS story play out in our lives. God's story is about hearts becoming more beautiful and lives being transformed, yes there are so many amazing and happy moments, but life doesn't always go the way we imagined. At the end of our lives what is going to be of more value? Who we became because of our situations or what we got from them (physically speaking?)
Maybe - no for certain, the greatest joys of this life are not in our circumstances at all, but from the freedom that is found in Christ within our everyday circumstances and just letting go of the control we don't have anyway.

I'll end with a quote from a song with amazing words. "Blessings" by Laura Story
"What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy"

Restless

2011-06-08T16:11:00.000-07:00

Restless. I love that word, although it does not infer comfort, nor does it usually assume anything good. We become restless from life, from work, kids, within relationships, and we lay restless at night thinking of the days events (I think I just made myself restless from writing all that ha ha). I think we make ourselves far more restless then needed, the pressures of society drive us there, no matter what faith or religion you believe you will be restless at one time or another. Isn't that why yoga was invented, to make you rest?

Why I love the word restless is because whenever I'm feeling that way I know that there is relief in my near future. I am comfortable being restless because I know I will not stay there, there can be so much hope and relief in restlessness.

There is so much we have no control of, and who doesn't like to be in control just a little? I do! I feel restless and anxious alot because of the lack of control of my circumstances. I can control alot in my physical world, routine, to do lists, even attitudes but the things I desire the most I cannot and that makes me the most restless. What God are you doing? Why God is this happening?
I even see restlessness in my boys. More so in Jake who is my worrier, non social child, (don't get me wrong he's an amazing little boy he just has certain social preferences). When we're in big groups he gets restless and fidgety and clingy. I know he needs some space, and some relief from the busyness. When I am able to take him into another room, even if it's just to use the potty, I'll get down to his little man level and take him by the hands and pull him onto my lap, I give him a big mommy snuggle and tell him that I love him very much and it's going to be ok and sometimes we just sit there for you know, 3 seconds in silence while he relaxes. These are the times that I feel his little body relax, his eyes focus on me (even if it's only for 5 seconds) and I see my Jacob come back to me. He rests, and many times it seems to get him through the rest of the social gathering.

He did not get that trait from me at all, I do not get restless from being around my friends. But I have my own issues! And when I do, like today. I run (fast) into the arms of the one who holds my heart. God. Ya he really is the answer to everything.
"Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest" - Matthew 11:28

Life is all about choices and there is no wrong within this choice. It is here where I find relief, where God's grace finds me just as I am, where God restores me again, where he shelters me in his love and gives me rest. I pray to him and tell him all about my restlessness, I read my Bible, if I have time I do a page in a bible study that I never did while I was actually in the study and I get down on my knees and I pray. There really is something to be said about kneeling and praying. I grew up thinking only nuns did that;) but try it, when you are down on your knees, head bowed, or face turned to Heaven you are instantly humbled, it's like I sit there knowing I am praying to the most powerful one in all the universe, I am humbled at who I am in comparison to his glory, I am in awe and somehow it makes my prayer so much less about me and my plans and more about God's will for me. Not saying you can't pray while you're on the toilet, but there are times that need to be reserved for humbled, quite prayer.

I strongly believe that we are all restless until we have a relationship with Jesus. Ecclesiastes says God has laid eternity in the hearts of every man. Somewhere within us we know there is something bigger and greater than us, even Oprah knows that (didn't you watch the O finale).
I think “rest” in God means two things: freedom, Jesus offers us total freedom from the guilt that our sins ordinarily bring. The biggest source of fear and anxiety in all of human existence — death and the threat of being separated from God for all eternity — are put to rest. So therefore accepting Christ's redemption is the beginning of a relationship of trust with God that will ultimately lead to
the second type of rest, we can find rest knowing how much God loves us, how he showers us with grace, how he helps us bear our burdens. Trusting our problems to God is such a sweeter life then carrying it ourselves.

Sometimes I have to find my rest in God more than once a day, I have a good habit of taking what I gave him back:) But I always walk away from resting in the Lord feeling refreshed, knowing there is more of Him and less of me which is such a thing of beauty. If you're feeling restless I hope you can find your rest in the one who is so capable and entirely willing to carry your burdens for you. His love for you is unquenchable.

Here is my new favorite song, and what do ya know, it's called restless!

I'm back!

2011-06-06T22:58:00.000-07:00

Seriously! Where have I been!? I'm so sorry I blog so little. My goal was to blog once a week and obviously I have failed! To be honest there is alot going on that I just can't blog about because it involves other people.... :) Maybe one day I'll be able to share all of that! I have been learning so much through "that" which makes it hard to blog about because it would mean beating around the bush, maybe not telling the whole story and isn't a story so much better when you get all the pieces of the puzzle!? But it has kept me from writing and that is not ok! My journal is overflowing! And God has been transforming and working on my heart so much I've come to the point where how can I not share, God has been amazing and that's definitely share worthy. So I'm just going to write what I can and hope it's a blessing to your lives:)

But where have we been the last month!?

Jake started soccer! My cousin coaches him and he has a few friends on his team so he likes to go, but I think I might have a piano player or an intellectual instead of a sports fanatic! And that's ok, it's totally his dad in him. He is super excited to go but couldn't really care about playing, he'll do it but he's not into it at all! Tonight my cousin told him he had to kick the ball three times before he was alowd off the field bc he was asking to get off. So he did it right away and he did it well! That's what drives me crazy, he's super good at sports when he trys but if he doesn't care about something he won't give it anything. The opposite is true as well, if he loves it he'll work so hard at it.

I went on a short road trip over mothers day weekend for a friends baby shower with a few girls! It was a ton of fun, entirely a refreshing time:) (aside from getting lost ha)

We took an awesome trip to Portland, I miss the people so much there. But I know my heart is forever tied to a few good friends there and that bond will never fade. I thrive on relationships, not in the obsessive friend kind of way, but because they teach you so much about yourself as well as the other person and although they can be trying at times they can help shape and mold you into a more beautiful person. Sure the opposite can happen and they can make you worse, but really isn't that all in the choices you make? We also got to see prestons sister Ali graduate from college! And see his family as well:) It's always nice to see them!

This is my cousin Laurel, her little girl Galilee:), me and my friendly little monster out for brunch!

Good friends!!!

After I got home Sophie came up to visit from Portland! She is 15, and I used to mentor her. We are super close to her family and it just worked nicely for her to come up! We had a great time, and even got to go to a Switchfoot concert. However, I think she was a little disappointed i wasn't mosh pit material anymore.... I told her I once was, but somehow rubbing up against sweaty bodies just isn't appealing anymore!

I got to reconnect with Amanda in Seattle!!! She is my sweet angel who helped me the night Preston died. But that in itself deserves an entire blog. It was emotional seeing her again, not that I cried my eyes out, but we talked about the night of the accident and then an hour later I had to drive past the scene of it with our words fresh in the air. I am so thankful for her:)

We stopped in Victoria to see family, and my favorite moment as a family was reading bedtime stories on the beach, eating snacks out of tin pails, seeing how excited they were brought me the most joy!

Seeing our cousins on the island! (too bad Lauren you can't untag yourself here;)

Oh yes, here is Switchfoot!

And I had a birthday! It really wasn't a huge deal this year, the last two years my friends and family put on big parties for me and it was amazing! This year I wanted something low key because honestly I didn't think i deserved another party. Last year I had three surprise parties, so I didn't want to force anyone to try and top those ha ha! Ever since Preston died life has been alot about others caring for me, which I needed, but I'm so much more able on my own now and I would way rather pour into other people. So we just had a small family dinner and a girls night!

Well it's getting too late to even remember what else happened! So now that I've updated ya'll (I still love that word even though ppl make fun of me up here for saying it). I'll try super hard to update more often!

2011-04-20T22:05:00.000-07:00

What is up with us lately? I have been so busy that I almost forgot I had a blog! And to say you're busy in a small town is a big deal ha ha.
I'm working on my book. S...L....O...W...L....Y
It is a really hard process, part of me doesn't want to even write my story, but the other (more than 50%) half says DO IT! How can I not share what God has done in my life? I feel it's like keeping a secret that shouldn't be kept. It's bursting out of me most days so putting it all down on paper, ahem the computer (where yes I save it to multiple locations online and offline) just makes sense. I feel so inadequate, I'm fairly certain I'm not a natural writer, but I pray that if this is a God thing, he'll guide my hand. I hope that by sharing my story God can use what he has done in my life to penetrate the lives of many others (even if it's just my sweet friends and family who buy the book). I'm really confident aren't I? haha

I go through spurts of writing, but then I often hit a writers block, and those times are usually triggered by an emotional moment. Writing about an intimate time with Preston or reading an old journal or writing about the "old Tara." The difficulty comes from dealing with the reality that the pain of loss never goes away. I have had a healthy grieving, but it hasn't been without deep pain. I think that joy, peace and pain may always walk beside grief. And that's ok because if grief walked alone, well that would just be awful.

I am also a mom so time to write is hard to find! I am amazed at these mothers who write books! I hope that is all they do or I'm entirely jealous. Being a mom is wonderful. Being a stay at home mom is an enormous blessing! Don't get me wrong, I can live with the waking at 6am, the bedtime battles, the "brotherly love" and the sand that somehow made it to the third floor of our house from outside, but I still have a few things that make me Tara.
I am an artist.
And a crafter.
And they are my outlet! I find peace when I'm painting or crafting, I think alot while I work, but I'm a girl so when do I not think? I literally have counted two times in the last few years where I have actually been caught thinking about nothing. (how you men do it I dont' know) So I have been working on a few projects, that shall remain secret until I perfect them and actually get my butt in gear enough to finish them all and take some pics! I'm going to be selling a few of my things at the Farmers Market! I'm soo exciting! I'll be in Vernon, starting in June and I'll be the cutest booth. You won't miss me I"m certain.
Pray for me though, because coming up with enough inventory is alot of work for one mama!

The boys are doing well! Jacob has decided he shall be called Jake from now on, because he doesn't like the "ob" part to his name. He sais, "that's right mom, listen, JacOB, hear that mom? i don't like that part" I kindly smiled and said, "well ok then, that sounds good to me" and then I laughed hysterically inside. He is playing soccer and goes back and forth between LOVING it and telling me "it's just too hard!" My cousin is his coach and his team is full of friends and family (did I say i lived in a small town?) He doesn't kick the ball unless it comes to him so we'll see how the season goes!
Micah is well... he has red hair, he is just like me and... enough said? He is fiesty! He is so determined, he never gives up. But that strong will also means if he doesn't want to sit in the grocery cart he will let me know in his loudest voice, and if that doesn't work he'll use his sign language to wave my attention to his needs. We always have adventures at the store. Just yesterday I was talking to a friend at the bakery and looked down to see Micah laying under the counter with his little head sticking out, his hands perched on his chin as if to say, "check this out mommy!" Five minutes later as I talked to another friend (small town... ya...ya ok I'll quit it) he kept his finger up his nose the entire time with a small smirk that said "i'm doing this b/c no on is paying attention to me, oh wait now you are!" He only has about 20 single words, which is pretty low for his age so we're working on putting two words together. He understands everything but I guess he has found ways to communicate without alot of speech. Maybe his mommy is too good at knowing what he wants ha ha.

So life is busy, and our life is really sweet. I fall more in love with my boys each day. I'm working on being gracious in my parenting which mostly translates to being gracious in my speech and my tone of voice:)
We're looking forward to Easter! Jake summarizes it best, "Mom, you know, I keep forgetting, Easter is about JESUS!!" Yep. Isn't it easy to focus on putting the easter baskets together and coming up with creative place settings for the table? (ok maybe that's just me) but it really is about Jesus and I have already been spending some time focusing on that even if it is as small as just listening to "In Christ Alone" :) (love that song!)
Alright well I'm outta here, I have projects to work on! Hope you're all doing well!! Happy Easter! And I do encourage you to spend time thinking about Jesus and what he did for YOU no matter who you are. And come to church with me Sunday, (seriously I hate sitting alone): http://www.vernonalliance.org/

2011-03-30T21:34:00.000-07:00

Last night we had a bad night of sleep! I can't complain too much though because we really have had a good couple of weeks with no sickness, no teething and sleeping through the night in our own beds! (Jake had previously slept with me halfway through the night).

But last night Jake woke up several times. And each time the first thing he would say, like always is "mommy! mommy!" Micah is the same when he wakes up, although it sounds a little more like "mUUUM! muuum!" The minute I walk into their room they are calm, their tears stop and they reach their arms to me. A couple snuggles later and they are on their way back to dreamland and so am I!

Last night I lay awake a little longer and was thinking how sweet it really is that they do call me, as tiring as it is! They know I will help calm their fears, they know I will give them loads of love and they know I WILL come. I am the very first thing they want because they know I will meet their needs. Although sometimes I know a snack at 4am is not what is best!

It reminded me of what my relationship with my Father in Heaven should be like, note I said should :) Where do I turn FIRST when I fear, when I have doubts, when I'm brokenhearted? When I'm lonely? When i wake up for the day? I still remember the night Preston died as clear as the words I write out tonight... and I am very much at peace with all that happened that night, although it's still extremely sad. The strongest memory that rises above all the other memories of deep pain and loss is WHO I looked to amidst it all. An enormous part of me felt like it died with Preston and I was empty. God met me in my emptiness and filled me up with himself. I wish I could explain it better but God was so supernaturally there that night. He gave me a peace that passes all understanding that still makes me just stand in awe and leaves me speechless that he carried me through such trauma with so much love.

I tell that story because ever since that night specifically, I have done such a better job at looking to God at the beginning of whatever trail or storm I have faced. I have failed a thousand times as well, don't get me wrong, i'm so imperfect! But I have seen over and overs that when i do call out to God before I try to figure it all out myself or ask my family and friends to help me God takes care of my needs. God is far more wise than me as much as I try to prove him wrong sometimes! I might as well just start off right b/c i'll probably end up coming to him anyway after everything I try fails.

Maybe we often don't call on God first because we're afraid of what he'll tell us, or how he'll mold us through our trial, or even that he'll give us what we don't feel we need. Let's be real we're often comfortable where we are at, even if we know it's not healthy. I think we just have to keep remembering that God knows better than us from the everyday to the hard days. He sees the whole picture, where we can only see the brushstrokes. He desires to make beauty out of our lives and everything he does is for the good of those that love him. Not a thing less.

When you trust God with whole hearted devotion you will never be disappointed.

"Trust in the Lord with all of your heart,

Do not lean on your own understanding;

In all your ways acknowledge him, and

He will make your paths straight" ~ Proverbs 3:5,6

This IS going somewhere...

2011-03-23T00:17:00.000-07:00

It can be difficult to blog when you're learning SO much.
Let's face it I'm just insanely intelligent. (extreme sarcasm noted for those of you who don't know me)
I was inspired to blog about like 6 different things. So how to choose? Let's go for 2.

I am reading Grace Based Parenting for a Bible Study group I go to (and love!), the book is amazing. Ok. The first two chapters are:) It is really challenging and motivating. I very much want my kids to leave home with a love that is secure, a purpose that is significant, and a hope that is strong. Go get it if you haven't read it yet! Then tell me how much you love it. And then we'll compare children in 18yrs. ha ha (I'm "image control" lol, ok so now you have to read it to see what I am talking about!) But really go. go now and get it;)

I'm also doing the Beth Moore study on the fruits of the spirit. The fruit of the spirit sounds Christianese I know:) But it's straight from the pages of scripture. Maybe you've heard it before, "The fruit of the spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, and self control..." The fruit of the spirit is "living proof that the spirit of God dwells in His children. God is so good, he deeply desires to create the best in his children and therefore he develops in us the fruits of the spirit. Inturn we grow in our relationship with God (beautiful), we affect lives around us for good, not bad and our lives magnify what an incredible God we serve and others just might be drawn to Him as we have been and discover the freedom found in Christ.

Last week we were talking about goodness at study. I suck at being good. No really. I do. Let me explain.

This past month I have been so RESTLESS. Maybe it's the long winter, I literally almost shoveled the snow out of my yard, instead I just spread it out so it melted faster! Maybe it's this small town that I am STILL adjusting to six months later. yes I'm beating myself up for not being content. I had a meltdown last week and decided to leave town. I would pack up the boys and head to the city for a few days. Any big city. Vancouver, Seattle, PORTLAND!! I didn't care I just wanted OUT. I stood on my deck and looked around. Yep I hate it here (clarification: not the people).
I decided to sleep on the decision because I knew my thoughts were well... irrational to say the least. But hey we're all entitled to a bad night right?
The next day I still wanted to leave but I had prior commitments so I was forced to wait it out. And wouldn't you know it, one of those commitments was bible study. I almost didn't go because I just knew God was going to teach me something, and most likely make me rational again and I'd have to stay here. Can't a girl just run away from reality sometimes!?

Here is where this all flows back to goodness.
This sums it up: IT'S NOT ABOUT ME. oh boy.

Isaiah 58:6-11 says it clearly. (u can read the whole thing, I just took the condensed version Beth Moore gave us.)

~If you spend yourself (doing good to others)

Your light will rise in the darkness

The Lord will guide you ALWAYS

Your needs will be SATISFIED

Your frame will be STRENGTHENED

You will be like well-watered gardens

And your healing will QUICKLY appear. ~

Wow. All that from just spending yourself on others? Maybe the answer to my restlessness is just this: STOP the self pity and focus on what I can do to serve those around me. Empty me of me.

I KNOW God brought me here for a reason, multiple reasons. I'm not grieving in survival mode anymore, I am able to really live and I better start doing it well! Maybe I will heal from my anxiety and restlessness by serving others. For the past couple of months I had really wanted to do some baking for my next door neighbors and kept putting it off for at least 40 different reasons (all very convincing of course). Well i finally did it. And I didn't tell you that to say look at me, I'm soo good, but to make the point. I spent an entire afternoon making cookies with the boys and thinking of others and obeying God's leading. After delivering the cookies and having a great talk with the neighbors I honestly didn't want to run away anymore. I was kind of relieved I didn't have to pack;) God had worked in my life and thankfully healed my irrational spirit b/c that was not going to end well!

I know that spending myself on others will not always be pretty. It will not always be something I want to do and maybe I won't even welcome God's leading with open ears, but God's word is never misleading, it never harms us, God's word is always for the purpose of bringing good. It's worth any displeasure we may endure.

God's grace found me just as I am. I was restless. But He is my rescuer and he rescued. He shattered my darkness and hopefully my light will shine again!

I hope you made it to the end of that, let me know if you did, maybe I'll make you cookies ha ha:)

Four years!

2011-03-13T23:32:00.000-07:00

Sunday night! The weekend is over, and I can hardly believe it's the middle of March! We have almost lived here for 6 months which some days is a blessing and other days seems way too far away from life in Portland! Jake just had his fourth birthday! 4 my friends!! A whole lot can happen in four years, I went to highschool for 4 years where I went from a dorky, mouthy, braceface to a girl who walked out confident in herself and in her identity in Christ (that in itself shows God is real ha ha, it's highschool after all).

I was married for 4 years, and that included marriage, immigration, P's college degree, 1 1/2 babies, two countries, 16 moves (felt like it) and a million and one memories with amazing friends. Now I have raised a sweet boy for 4 years! Jake is such a blessing. He is super smart, although I'm biased, I think others who spend alot of time with him would agree. He loves to learn how everything works and really pays attention when you tell him, his favorite is how the body works, he has a huge desire to learn - i see his daddy in him so much, he loooves music and he hates to sleep, he has a huge heart, and is incredibly clumsy (don't know where he got that from:) And he loves water, dancing, jumping and moving whenever he has to sit still.

But this little man has been through alot in these 4 years.
Year one, aside from having severe asthma and eczema was mostly smooth sailing for him, he was born into loads of love from mommy and daddy! Year two was the shattering, life altering year. Daddy went to heaven when he was 19months old. Grandma moved in for awhile, which i'm convinced he utterly loved and was a saving grace for us! He went to Disneyland and Disneyworld. He was in Newsweek magazine. He got a new baby brother, wow! And he won't remember any of it, ha ha, but I think that's a relief in some regards!
Year 3 he had child counseling, survived a single parent household and learned what it means to really be surrounded by love from friends, and family. oh he also moved countries, no biggie. Lots of changes!

So those years could sure be remembered as painful, full of change and events a child should never have to go through. But when I really think about it what stands out is love. SO SO MUCH LOVE. From the moment Jake was born he was showered with love, from the second his daddy died love poured in and through every aspect of his life. To the big move, the second biggest change in his life, love was waiting for him here and has not stopped. And his little brother has taught him that love should be unconditional and shown as much as possible, even when his hair is being pulled or he's being hit over the head with buzz lightyear:) I know he understands love because I so frequently hear the words, "I wuv you mommy," throughout the day, melts my heart everytime!

And in 4 short years he has been introduced and shown the absolute unconditional, gracious and perfect love of the God his mommy loves so much. And that is what I pray for his little life every night. That he will walk with God and be rooted in him all the days of his life and know, " how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ - the love that surpasses knowledge" (ephesians 3:18) And that he will love God with all his heart, all of his strength and all of his mind. Because as sweet as human love is, there is nothing in all the world that can replace the captivating love of the giver of life.
I'll include four pictures of my sweet boy!! One for each year of his life! Ok 5.

Hello daddy!! Such a priceless pic

He's 1 (and did not smile for a single pic, but he was sick!)

I'm 2!! Build a bear was awesome:)

3 what!?! Love this boy:)

I'm 4!! Such a big little man!

LOVE

2011-02-15T00:39:00.000-08:00

At the end of my life I want to be confident of one thing, that I loved and that I loved deeply.
Today I was reminded of ALL the love I have in my life. It was such a beautiful day. Valentines day the past couple years has been filled with such loss, a sweet love remembered and a reminder that love was gone from my life, romantic love anyway. Painful sums it up. And this year for various reasons was nothing like the last two years, I think I smiled through the entire day!
I woke up to my two favorite faces, Jake and Micah! Jake had something up his sleeve, (helped by Grandma and aunty) and he could not wait to give me my valentines! He eagerly ran downstairs to get it and with a smile from ear to ear handed me a beautiful bracelet, earrings and a necklace. Mom was just going to help him get a bracelet for me, but then Jake informed her he would also like a matching necklace and earrings to go with it! He is going to make one lady very happy one day!
We went to Bible Study in the morning which is always a highlight of my week. Getting together with girls who are willing to share life together, to be raw and honest and talk about how God can and is working in our lives. I am always amazed how much we get to talk about in between screaming children! I am challenged every week and to be challenged is a grand and beautiful thing indeed.
Then we had lunch with some amazing people, new to our life, but who have a way of lighting up our lives. I left Bible study and lunch so full of joy knowing of the love we were able to experience in just a few short hours. And looking in the backseat I saw those precious faces who I love so deeply, they are loved and so am I.

Wow... could this post get any more sappy? Ok maybe a little more.

My good friend Marissa and her three kids came over after naps so we could bake a cake for the v-day party we were going to. Ok I lied, let me rephrase: Marissa and her three kids came over and she made the cake while I encouraged her and ate the whipping cream. I love these guys. We are both single mothers so we're bonded in such a unique way. We spend so much time together that we are like family and I can even handle having an un-awkward silent moment. Because... as some may tell you, I am not so great with silent moments, unless I'm really comfortable, I will fill in that gap, sometimes to my embarrassment.
For dinner we all headed to our friend Sarah's, her hubby was away so us girls and kids bonded over mile high nachos, melt in your mouth cake, sweet cream soda (hadn't had that since I was 10!) and more candy. I learned two things tonight, never let my child eat red dye (in candy, pop and anything red), I swear it is straight poison and only results in over aggressive, uber hyper little kids. I also learned tonight, actually I was reminded of the love of friendship.

We got home, put the boys to bed and then my friend Renee came over to watch the bachelor. Yes we are that lame, however, I'm totally confident in my lame choice. We watched fake (or maybe not he he) love unfold as we talked about all that is going on in our own lives. I love this girl, she brings so much joy to my life. Thanks again Daniel for sharing your wife with me:)
And almost lastly I received a few really amazing heartfelt emails today.... ahem, facebook messages, because really, who emails anymore? Reading through these I was blown away by the love God has blessed me with. Deep, deep, meaningful kindred spirit type friendships. It is through the transparency I share with some of my closest friends where I see God working so obviously. They are friendships that prove God is real.
Today I have seen old friendships grow, new relationships blossom, and the love of God so obviously written all over my life. I have been praying God would show me his undying, never ending love and today He did that over and over and over!
We love because He loved us first. - 1 John 4:19

Without God loving me so perfectly I really do not believe I could love as much as I do or receive that love back so easily.
I hope that your V-day was at least a little bit good, hopefully alot good, and that you can think of at least one relationship where love flourishes and dance in the thankfulness of that.

You are MORE

2011-02-09T14:40:00.000-08:00

Guilt. Shame. Feelings that you're not good enough. pain. hypocrisy. anger. fear. lies.
Aren't these many of the things that keep us from God? Maybe from believing in him in the first place or from having a fulfilling relationship with him once you are HIS?

In my life lately it seems as though the devil's lies have been pouring into my life like a waterfall that doesn't have an end and I am soaked. It is those small thoughts, "you are not good enough for God to love you, there are so many people (moms) better than you, look at this or that you've done, God can't love you when you do that, you don't do enough to serve God, you're too selfish, God will take his love away if you do that, He loves 'so and so' far more than you."

I can't say there has even been a time in my life when I have heard these lies more than right now. And I don't really know why. Instinctively it's natural to believe them and look at myself and agree, ya, according to my actions I'm really not good enough for God to lavish his love on me. And there begins the wall between me and God, I put distance between myself and God because I believe the lies, I turn from Him when He is still there with his arms wide open.

Last night I just could not push these thoughts to the side, they were tormenting me and brought me to tears. I cried partly because I'm so annoyed at them and want so badly to overcome them and partly because I just haven't cried in awhile:)
I have learnt enough in life to know these are lies and that God does love me with such an unquenchable love. He is the only one who can help me defeat these lies. I will never let the devil get a foothold in my life and cripple my walk with the Lord. It is a fight for a joy, but a fight worth every moment if it means I come out stronger, which in Christ I will.

Nothing, absolutely nothing separates us from the Love of Christ. Once we are His, there is nothing that can take his love away. But it is a fight because we so easily believe the lies. We are human, we make mistakes so often and that is defeating! But there is nothing we can do that can make God love us more or anything we can do to take his love away.

Talking about God's love always reminds me of my relationship with my little boys. No matter how many bad choices they make, no matter how much they run away from me when I ask them to do something, no matter how much they fight each other, my love goes deeper and higher and wider than anything they could ever do. I love these boys with every ounce of my existence, so how much more does a perfect God love his children? Believe it!

"We are (FAR) more than the choices that we make, we've been remade."
This is a line from one of my favorite songs, "you are more" by Tenth avenue North.
Watch the video, it's powerful and gives such a vivid picture that no matter what choices we have made or what lies we have believed that when we have been remade through Jesus we are washed clean before him, his love on the cross conquers all.
This song reminds me of who I am in Christ, I hope it can encourage you like it did me.

What a weekend!

2011-02-01T23:39:00.000-08:00

I had such a fabulous weekend! I was able to go to Portland by myself to attend the church we used to go to woman's retreat! It was AMAZING! We stayed on the Oregon coast, filled with breathtaking views, great food and surrounded by some of my best friends.
I am not sure what was more fun, short sheeting Lori at 1am, doing a skit where I was "Tessa the Canadian toolmaster" strolling the beach with the girls while we took 1000 pictures, taking a Zumba class (me and rhythm don't get along) or staying up until all hours of the night talking and laughing about life and everything in between.

The speaker was Poppy Smith, who was simply wonderful, she was refreshing, hilarious and honest to the core. The theme was "flip this house" aka flip my Words, My heart and My attitudes and Thoughts and turn them to be more like Jesus Christ. I could definitely do some flipping in all areas mentioned, a more beautiful character is very much what I strive for!
I said before that Poppi was really honest, and was she ever! I loved her transparency, isn't it so refreshing to know others have the same struggles as you do? Through all her struggles and shortcomings in life she consistently looked to God for help. And then to see the beautiful woman that she is now because of her close walk with God was incredibly encouraging and motivating in my own journey!

I tore myself away from my friends for a while (seriously not easy to do when you only see them for a weekend) and sat on the beach to have some intimate time with the Lord and reflect on life.
Here is a little piece of what I wrote:
"Four years ago I sat in the same place, but life was vastly different then. I was much fatter and waddled down the beach in such an attractive manner, I was 8 months pregnant with Jacob! And we had just started the youth pastor job at Lake. We were loving life! That was my first womans retreat, it was full of other moms pouring into my life giving me loads of advice and it is where I began many of the friendships I hold so closely today. And here I am today, two kids later and no longer a husband. Paralling these two worlds is so surreal. It feels like a million years have passed and the girl I am today is so very different from four years ago. (You can actually read the post I wrote way back then here.) I have seen God work so intimately in my life, taken me and refined, restored and "flipped" where I was lacking and where I struggled. "

Reading that post reminds me of something huge, four years later there still remains the one constant in my life, God. Four years ago I had written:
"The ocean reminds me of God's holiness - perfect love and righteousness. How awesome is it that I have a relationship with this God, the one who created the ocean and that gorgeous sunset? I talk to Him every day! He is my rock and I find my strength and my joy in Him. He is my King and He is my love, He is Jesus, he changed my life, let him change yours."
He is still my joy and my rock, He is the God who never left my side, who has led me through the raging storm and brought me out to where I can see a sunrise so beautiful I can hardly stand it. I know for some reading this life isn't full of sunrises right now...it might be more like storms and hurricanes and a heck of alot pain. Life will get better, I promise you that!! I know it's hard to imagine but trust me on this one. And know there is hope, SO much hope in Jesus Christ and a life so beautiful you'll hardly be able to stand it.
This weekend I think I can say for one of the first times that going to an event was not bittersweet, it was just sweet! I was pretty prepared for all of life to be bittersweet and I know I'll have hard moments again, but it was nice to just embrace the sweet.

My wonderful family watched my sick children, thank you! Although I'm pretty sure my sister will never have kids since Micah was sick and woke up every hour most nights, but they did a great job!

Here are some pics from the fabulous weekend!

I'm alive!

2011-01-19T20:30:00.000-08:00

I have not left the blogging world for good, but I sure did abandon it for awhile! I think I did it on purpose... I was pretty down about single parenting! And usually I am full of ten different ways to summarize how I am feeling just ask my friends, but when I thought about blogging about life not a thing came to mind!

Life has been super great lately, it was mostly really difficult right after the holidays. Christmas was great, so great, I was totally excited for it! Every time there is a holiday I like to look back on the same holiday from the last year and compare how I am doing today. It's so encouraging to literally be able to see how God has grown and strengthened me. Last year I kind of just thought Christmas to be blaaaa, i know, that sounded extremely intelligent. But I think that's really what I wrote last year! It was true though, I wasn't really excited, but not overly sad, I just was.
This year I was SO much more alive! I loved that freedom. Grief is heavy, it's really like carrying a weight that is far too heavy for anyone to carry on their own. Even when you're happy there is still an air of sadness and pain and I'm so thankful to actually see, and not just hear from others that the heaviness does go away! Sure it comes back in waves, but the growth you've embraced helps carry you through the short time of sorrow.

The week after Christmas was hard, I am really really missing my portland friends, it's a loss to me... i mean I know they are still in my life, but not being able to see them when I like has been harder than I expected! I was pretty emotional about that and then knowing most of my friends were with their families enjoying the snow just hit a sore spot.

My biggest issue is single parenting, have I said this before? maybe like 50 times? It's nothing to do with the boys, they are my life, they are my sunshine and my joys! The difficulty is the go go go and then they go to bed and I have 15 projects I want to work on but zero energy to sail through them on. I know many parents feel the same! Parenting is hard in and of itself with two parents! Maybe I just really really miss having that quality time at the end of the day with someone. I am relationship oriented so that is a huge necessity in my life.
I have to say though my family rocks!!! My parents and sister help me out a ton! They even let me sleep in once a week, which I so need because I have this terrible little habit of going to bed far too late! oops! Maybe that's why single parenting is hard? ha!
Anyway, I was reading a fellow bloggers blog and she quoted something from my favorite devotional, "My utmost for his Highest" (even the name rocks) by Oswald Chambers, she quoted this:

""We do not need the Grace of God to withstand crises - human nature and pride are sufficient for us to face the stress and strain magnificently. But it does require the supernatureal grace of God to live 24 hrs of every day, as a saint, going through drudgery, and living an ordinary, unnoticed, and ignored existence as a disciple of Jesus. It is ingrained in us that we have to do exceptional things for God - but we do not. We have to be exceptional in the ordinary things of life, and holy on the ordinary streets, among ordinary people - and this is not learned in 5 minutes."

Heck no it's not learned in 5 minutes! And this is SO what I have been learning about single parenting, God's grace in the everyday. I have experienced his grace in tragedy, but now I've been discovering it in a whole new way. When there is only one parent you carry alot of weight that you probably don't need to. You are trying to be the mom and dad and meeting kids needs from every angle and there is no one to talk through it with. But I know I can depend on God, he probably laughs at all the random things I ask him in one day, but I'm serious when I say he does guide me and I often feel that little nudge pointing me in the right direction.

We have loved having so much snow this winter! We made an igloo:) ok so it didnt' have a roof, but I made up for it by building a slide going into it and a tunnel, jake played in it for two hours with me so I say the sweat and hard work paid off! Micah is busier than ever, he's almost two (in april) but still does not have very many words down, he is loving say peek a boo! It's so cute, it sounds more like pee A BOO! They got bunk beds and trying to get them to sleep has become quite the challenge! But tonight they went to bed in under 5 minutes... i guess that means I should too! but we know I won't!

I'll work on blogging more, and happy blogs too, I have so many i just don't write them all! But there is the long awaited holiday blog :) Hope your holidays were awesome!

Cowboys, I phones & airplanes

2010-12-21T21:47:00.000-08:00

I took a trip to Dallas this weekend to speak at a life insurance conference. It was an amazing experience. I have spoken at a few different events and every one seems to have just as profound effect on myself as it does to those that I speak to. I am so blessed to be able to do this. Although It is out of pain and sadness and tragedy that I share my story…. It is incredibly healing to be able to help others through my pain…. It adds a lot of purpose and while it doesn’t fix the hurt or take away the horror of what happened it somehow lightens the load. It brings a smile to my face when I see our story impacting other people lives…. Like I say in my talks, when we’re nearing the end of our life, what do we want to be remembered for? what do we want others to say? Who do we want to become!? You have to start to be that person today.

And shout out to ING/Insphere! They are two of the nicest companies I have ever dealt with, very professional and down to earth and they sure know how to take care of their guest speakers!

I didn’t take the boys on this trip because it was very last minute. We have a lot of family and friends in Dallas so I got to see them all, but I wished the boys could have come for that reason! It was A W E S O M E because I really wasn’t sure when the next time we would see them all would be. So double blessing!

I spent a lot of time by myself, which if you know me well you know I am NOT a fan of hanging out solo…. I try to like it but after two hours I crave a friend… it’s not even my insecurity… it’s just that my friends and family are that great. I had a spa night by myself… it was mud mask time! The last “spa” night I had was at a hotel with Marissa… I missed your company and laughter friend! (practicing my talk just wasn’t as fun without you!)

I traveled through a wack of airports on my way there and back, LAX is the worst airport ever!!! Seattle is the best by far!

I did alot of people watching on my trip to Dallas so I have compiled a few observations for you…

WARNING:

they will change your life.

Ok I’m totally kidding.

But they will entertain you greatly.

85% of people I saw have an iphone – this is the way it should be. Once you go I-phone you don’t go back! The iphone 4, which by the way will still be cool for at least 8 more months makes me drool.

20% of those people who have iphones were playing angry birds on the plane – this was proven by a quick trip to the bathroom.

I pulled angry birds out while in the green room at the conference and I had to laugh when the VP of a major company had beaten the game, he was 46.

If you live in Texas and you don’t like the cowboys you shouldn’t make that public knowledge

Many people love football more than Jesus

A majority of Dallas woman have a very distinct look about them, make up, more make up and perfect hair, they look good, I have nothing against it, I’m just saying I noticed.

There are indeed hockey fans in Texas, I was surprised. But I don’t think they tell anyone.

People from Texas are outrageously friendly, but terribly rude drivers… hmmm I haven’t really figured that one out yet, maybe they save their rage for the road.

You can have really amazing conversations with people on airplanes. I think people have their guards down more because they know they won’t ever see the person in the next seat again.

I am constantly amazed at the amount of people I talked to who were so open to talking about faith and God… try it you’ll be blessed and may even be surprised when the person next to you thanks you for telling them about Jesus. Or they might tell you they’d want your number if you lived closer, in that case they were probably just listening to you talk about God because they had an agenda so you laugh awkwardly and quickly dig through your purse to find a distraction. True story.

That is about all I can think of! I missed my boys so much, but my family kept them so well entertained I don’t think they even cared I was gone! How is it that you want a break from your kids and then when you leave you miss them terribly and can’t stop thinking about them!?

Well hope your Christmas preparations are going well and not making you want to pull your hair out! I'm actually excited for Christmas this year, which is HUGE, but that's another post:)

My week

2010-12-04T01:16:00.000-08:00

I had a great week, and I didn't even do anything out of the ordinary, no scuba diving or flying my own plane, no trip to Tahiti.
It was a breath of fresh air!
Just to have a trainride kind of week (much less up and down), not a roller coaster kind of week was oh so sweet. Here are some highlights.

I started the week by going to Bible study, I even got some cardio in while taking continued trips downstairs to break up Micah and Dexter's love hate relationship.

I met with an old friend who has been through more than most could ever imagine, we talked pain, shed some tears and laughed, and the loneliness that has invaded both our lives was a little lighter.

We had family photo's taken this week by Kate, click HERE to see how great she is. Family pics are stressful, although Jake is super great at posing, he'll do whatever you ask (typical man already?) the smile might not be real 90% of the time but at least he sits still right? I had to dance like a monkey to get a real smile from Micah, it worked though, so we all win. And then we took some snow pics, I think at this point i was getting as difficult as the children so we just threw snow, oh i mean they threw snow at me and Kate:) It was an adventure to say the least, but bonding with a friend and getting a sweet Christmas card makes it all worth it.

I am reading two books, "Hinds feet on high places" - interesting and creative allegory and "Crazy Love" by Francis Chan (looove this man as speaker and author), both have spoken so much wisdom into my life, they have really made me step up and take a brave look at how I live everyday.

We took up sledding this week! In portland if you blink the snow will disappear, but here in this little town that is beginning to grow on me the snow is abundant. Thanks to Brad, Mal's bf I have not had to shovel my driveway once (I do pride myself on that).
Ok, Right sledding... we me up with great friends and it does not pay to buy a cheap sled, but it does pay to have the right friends with the right equipment, thank you Shelby and Cory;). Jake loves Cory, he talks about him for hours after we see him, maybe it's the fact that he's a ton of fun and has an answer to everything Jake asks, even if it's outrageously untrue, or maybe it's how Cory goes out of his way to help my kid feel happy, like taking him on a tube, even if it means slamming his leg into a rock, although I'm not sure if he would have signed up for it had he known.... Then we met up with more friends for lunch and imagined what all our 16 kids, yes I said 16 would be like in ten years, we were pretty sure they'd be alot bigger.

Then I went Christmas shopping with Renee and Shawna, we had a great time. Taking 10 minutes at every stores register, getting beeped continuously while leaving one store by an employee who takes her job very seriously (we should have just ran), self check outs who hate us, and almost getting locked in another store did not stop us from getting some good girl time in and checking off our christmas lists.

Sure, i had some bad times, but there were alot of great moments, moments I will treasure in my heart and thank God for as I fall asleep, the good sure trumped the bad.

But I'm not cocky, I have learned, just because life is sailing smoothly it does not mean I can say so long you sucker to my pain; nor does it mean putting God to the side 'for now' until my pain returns. Don't think I am looking at the cup half empty, I need to be real with myself, because I am a "cup half full" kind of person, to the point when things get good and then they crash, my low from that crash can be very intense because I'm so disappointed my "high" didn't stick around, it's like summer camp all over again.

I think God allows us to have these times (half way up the mountain kind of times) that can be a test just as much as he allows us to have weeks down low in the valley (quick explanation: mountain tops are great, sweet, happy times, valley's are hard, sad or painful times and half way up..well i think you can figure that out;).
Will I include God in my life as much as I do when life is a mountain top experience? I want to and I still need to, but what does that look like? Or how will I include all I've learned from my valley days into my mountain days? The verse, "Draw near to God and He will draw near to you" (JAMES 4:8) never ceases to give my soul a jilt. It's true 100% of the time in the valley's and the mountain tops. Just because we're not laden with pain or hurt or frustration does not mean we don't need God as much, if we're thinking like that it probably means we need him more. Some ideas I thought of to draw near to God no matter the day but specifically in the good times... Read the Bible - always something to learn there, God says to "Rejoice Always," that's a big one, praying and thanking God for our blessings with a sincere and passionate heart, praising God - in this we are reminded, it's not about us, it is about Him! And one last one that I pray for myself everyday is, "God please mold me into the woman you desire and mold the events of my days to make me useful," because I have learned his ways are much more beautiful and fruitful than mine. If God just wanted to be there for us when times were hard i'm pretty sure he would have just given us his pager number!

And now I'll go to bed and pray the above, and finish with a short prayer something like, "God please help me to get the sleep that will make me feel refreshed, even though I chose to stay up way to late and blog :)"

New Blog look

2010-11-28T23:19:00.000-08:00

No more ugly blog!! If you had checked on here the last few days you would have found a very random and ugly look to my blog! I started to make my header but because I started at nap time I had to stop before I finished! Why would I even think to do anything productive at nap time!? Anyway so this new look is really not that exciting, unless you're me who spent a couple hours making the header:) I love to design and it was fun so i hope your eyes have a good feast!

I went to a movie with Jake tonight, we saw Tangled, it was great! He loved it. We went after dinner but he was living in so much anticipation he kindly told me he wasn't hungry so we should just go! I love age 3/4 it's so much fun! They say the weirdest and most adorable things! My heart overflows and a smile can't help but light up my face when think how thankful I am for my boys.
This past few days I have had so much joy. My last post was a big pile of bummer and I am happy to say things have changed! Alot of prayer. Reading a great book. And time. There have been a few things this week where God used my pain to help someone else and that is true beauty.
Part of my joy stems from the season! I loove Christmas, decorating - even if you realized you only bought half the amount of garland and lights you would need and three bulbs were broken 5 minutes into being on the tree (thank you Micah), baking (which I haven't done yet hee hee), lots of family and friends, playing in the snow - I mean playing with the boys in the snow while they eat snow for 30 minutes:), listening to the same great Christmas music that has been around for ages, shopping - even if you have to stand in line for 20 minutes.. ok that's not so great ha ha. Celebrating the entrance into the world of the one who saved me (Jesus), it's refreshing to dwell on. And one of my favorite things about the Christmas season is seeing Christmas through Jacob's eyes. He has no idea what to think about Santa, I think it's fun, but it really really makes Christmas about the opposite of what it's about - JESUS CHRIST and the reason we have Christmas at all. I'm excited that this is really the first year Jacob gets what Christmas is about and I don't want it to be clouded over by a jolly fat man in a suit! I let Santa in the house, we watch him on tv and we'll even go see him at the mall but i try not to make a big deal of him, he's cool, nice guy type thing but we don't talk about him alot. These preschool years are when I think kids really begin to create the roots that their views of life will grow from, I want to try my best to get it right now and give them a good foundation and not have to back track when my son finds out Santa isn't all that. Even from watching Polar Express, super great movie, but it's like Santa worship...c'mon you have to agree there! But in the movie they say, "Seeing is believing" and that is SO not true on many levels, but especially with God where seeing is not going to happen in this life, but God says those who have not seen yet but believe with faith will be blessed, but it was interesting how Jake really picked up on that line. Anyway that was a total tangent! I hope that doesn't offend, it's just my own life view.
Christmas is awesome, the boys love it, I love it and I wish the joy people had around Christmas lasted all year! It really makes you think how much of our emotions are just mental.
Well I should get to bed, I'm so tired lately and it's because I stay up so late! But what do you do when you get your second wind at 10pm? ah!

2010-11-23T18:14:00.001-08:00

BLOG DOWN

CURRENTLY BECOMING AWESOME

But I ran out of time in the middle of designing :)

Let's be real

2010-11-18T23:51:00.000-08:00

I have come to vent... I am at the computer and am so tired I don't have the desire to get up and write in my journal so here I am to share with you! I'm hoping that as I write God will speak to my heart and out through my words.

Bittersweet. That is the song of my life right now. For every bitter thing there is something entirely sweet! I am so thankful for that, cause life covered in all bitter would really bite. Everyone could really say their life is bittersweet, but when you experience such a trauma or a loss in your life it's very easy to stay a little longer in your bitter... in the pain of the bitter. Because mostly the pain is a result of the loss you experienced or it might be... sometimes you don't know if you're emotional because of your loss or just because you didn't get enough sleep, maybe both! I'll think... "If Preston was here, I would have someone to share this with..., if he hadn't died I wouldn't have this or that pain or emotion or that "side effect." BUT on the flip and sweeter side, I am so thankful for the girl I have become as a result of him dying! I have grown in ways I never would have otherwise and our story has reached so many lives and that is the meat of life, that is what matters! And I love that.

I would really love to have a week, or a month where my emotions are pretty stable! Maybe I am getting down on myself because I have had that stability! When we were in Portland I was doing really good, I was moving on so well!

And. then. we. moved.

I know it was the right choice, but change has been hard! I am the person who would really just like to move and get on with it, in some senses, start fresh with no baggage, but with love comes pain. I LOVE Portland and all my friends and I love the memories I (and preston) have made all over the city so therefore I have pain from the loss of that part of my life. It's true, it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. See, it's very bittersweet. I read other widows blogs and it's mostly a good thing, but it can also be bad if you compare, and it's really really easy to compare.. "oh she's there, I should be doing better than where I am! Oh and wait, I was there, but I'm struggling again." If I'm being real I guess I am embarrassed that I have "stepped back" when I was doing so well. But maybe all the steps forward I have had will help me through these ones.

I think grief can be a pit... but it is never a pit without a ladder! I think someone could stay in their grief because of sooo many reasons and I just don't want to get stuck, I won't get stuck and I have a great God who will fight for me! I know i am mourning the loss of the end of a life in Portland and it will take time to adjust and I'm honestly excited for what is around the corner, today (please be sleep lol), tomorrow and a year from now.
I have had so much stuff to do lately that I have been slacking in my God time, why do we do that to ourselves? I know there is so much strength from God's word, but I put it off for other less important tasks that ya...still have to get done, BUT could get done better and more joyfully if I had my God time. Well I am at a loss for words, so I will end this blog like I end all my journaling, with a prayer. Because I can talk and talk and talk, I'm really good at it:) But I know, the best source of healing is from God... he knows the song of my heart more than I do.
God,
I come to you so incredible weak right now, I hurt and I don't even know entirely why. I'm tired of grief, but I don't want to skip over any of this journey, i want to be better for this moment. I am the clay you are the potter, so mold me... use this pain I feel, use this heart to reach lives for you, you have never failed me, you are GREAT, your love is endless, you meet me here where I am at. Please pick me up out of this pit that wants to keep me here. Let me look back on this time and be amazed at what you were doing through this pain. I am lost for words, You are my heavenly father who carries me through these moments. I trust you, I love you, I am entirely yours and I trust and know that your plan is far greater than i can imagine. Thank you for never changing. ~ Tara

A B C's

2010-11-16T22:31:00.000-08:00

So I have not updated because we have been so busy! Isn't that always the story though? I always say I'll do this or do that when life slows down, but I'm realizing when you have kids life never slows down so you just better be supremely good at multitasking! I multitask three days a week:)
We have done so much lately,

A. I GOT MY US CITIZENSHIP!!!!! WHOOHOO! I now have dual, as do the boys and I have already memorized the pledge of allegiance, the national anthem and been summoned for jury duty. Ok so I'm kidding about memorizing, I already memorized the anthem when I was five out of the church hymnal ha ha (i always thought it would be cool to be American) and I did get summoned for jury, but I ended up not having to do it;)
I am really proud that I got my citizenship. It is a very BIG deal for me. I could write a book on all our immigration journey! Immigration is expensive and is defined by: alot of papers, alot of money and alot of waiting, it can make you or break you as a couple but we chose to grow through it and the fruit of that growth has been incredible. Immigration was how we began our marriage, it grew so much of our faith in God because it was very much OUT of our hands, it bonded Preston and I in ways that still blow me away. When a relationship comes to an end, or just any chapter in our lives it is easier to look at the bigger picture and maybe see some of the reasons God might have allowed us to go through certain things. And I see immigration as such a blessing because there were ways I grew that could have only come from something like this, even after Preston died much of the faith that carried me through his death came from the waiting journey of immigration!

I shed a ton of tears the nights before my citizenship interview. I cried because I missed Preston and wished we could have experienced this together, I cried because my life is so different than it was when we started this journey (but very sweet too!). He was the one who wanted me to become American, I was like, nah, I'm a faithful Canadian, I don't want to trade hockey for basketball, nestle tea for sweet tea ha ha. But i caved.
I was thankful my good friend and mentor came with me to my interview! My interviewer was sooo sweet, she encouraged me through the 15 minute process (so short!) and I got 100% on my history test, what what! The oath ceremony was totally cheesy, see pics below but it was equally as exciting! I know deep in my heart I'll never feel entirely American, that's not what i was going for, but now I carry a part of Preston and my boys AND kind of honor the wonderful life i have lived in the United States of America. Canadians can make fun of it all they want, I even do sometimes, but I really have to say I love that country as much as I love my own!

B. On a lesser and far more superficial note: I got a scar removed that has been an eye sore for me, I got it sometime in college when I wacked the boys who were trying to climb into our dorm room window - don't mess with me! (ok truth is, i have no idea how I got the scar) anyway it turned into a keyloid scar which is a scar that grows - how gross! It is now GONE and I'm praying it doesn't come back, the chances are up to 50% ah! I got it done at a plastic surgeon just so it would heal better!

C. We just took a trip to Portland, loved "almost" every minute of it. We got the stomach flu when we were there, it was perfect timing don't you agree? Well I suppose it bonded me and the boys and the family we were staying with! Why does it seem that the stomach flu hits you in the middle of the night? First I got it and then Jake, however Micah was spared! I was sharing a bed with Jake and the first night at 3:30am I hear movement, then I hear groaning, then I hear Jake say he's not feeling well and I just know this is serious. I rush him to the potty only to discover he has already throw up... in his mouth, and was holding it until we reached the potty. TMI I know, sorry! The next night I wasn't so lucky, I woke up at 1am to "moooommmy..ughh.." and this time the chunks flew... all over the bed. Why am I telling all these details? Maybe it's because I don't have a husband to share these moments with ha ha so if you're still reading, we did survive, I lost weight but put it all back on eating chocolate. Tis the season I guess:)
So the trip was great, visiting with such amazing friends, shopping and stocking up on trader joe's goodies, and getting to know my boys more! But Micah woke up 3-4 times a night and we were so busy they barely napped so I am very happy to be home where I have an amazing mommy who will watch the boys so I can sleep in tomorrow! Ok and a million other reasons, isn't it good I wanted to come home? If you read my last post:)

And now I'll post pics of my update!

The boys looking out the airplane window, two seconds later it wasn't so peaceful!

Saying the Oath of Allegiance, I was proud

The Newest US Citizen! and Alejandro Mayorkas - director of all USCIS

I might have bought this tshirt four months ago:)

The Sign Shelly and the kids made for me!!

Trader Joe's littlest and cutest shopper!

Ugly scar is GONE!

Deep thoughts

2010-11-01T22:34:00.000-07:00

I have been thinking about Heaven so much lately. Ever since the accident eternity has been a HUGE part of my life. In the last moments of Preston's life, as he lay in my arms and I lost his heartbeat I remember thinking, Is he rising up to Heaven right now, is he looking down on me? are there angels carrying him? Then of course came the feelings that my life has forever changed and I cannot believe this is real, but in that pivotal life altering moment God was very very real and near to me like nothing I've ever experienced. I had a peace that I can't explain and i know it wasn't the shock of it all, it was ok with me that he was in Heaven, yes there have been many a day where I wish he was here instead, but as time has worn on I can honestly say I'm glad he's there and not here, for his sake at least, that doesn't mean i don't miss him terribly some days, but I trust God and know that God is always good, and his plans are good, and if this was part of God's plan then it's good, maybe it wasn't my plan A, but it was always God's. And I have lived and survived this loss, and I know life goes on and I do smile again with every fiber in my body, my heart and my mind, and not just my lips!

I was driving home the other day by myself so of course I turn up the music and I was listening to Hillsong United - the Stand. And it was beautiful, just me and God (and the odd smell of cow poop). I just imagined being in Heaven, everyone singing this song to the one who saved our souls, and I imagined looking around and I saw all the people I have known who I know, know Jesus, family, hometown friends, camp and college friends, Portland friends and all those I've met along the way. It was a moment I wish I could have stayed in for a lot longer, but it refreshed me.... You know that saying, "don't be too heavenly minded or you won't be any earthly good" well I disagree. I think the more we fix our minds and our hearts on Heaven the bigger difference we'll make on earth, we're far more aware of how we should be living. Since that moment I have thought far more about living as if it's my last. What would happen if I died today and stood before God; the one who created me, who has loved me endlessly and saved me b/c I couldn't save myself, and walked with me through the hardest moments of my life and remained faithful even when I was faithless, it leaves me speechless (which doesn't happen often ha ha) to think of standing before the one who is perfect, and Holy and sovereign... how humbling. I can't wait to actually be in heaven, where there is no more crying, no more hard days, no more bad.
I was snuggling Jake tonight as he was falling asleep and out of the silence he says to me, "mommy, I don't want you to die, I love you" I replied, "Jake, I don't want to die either, I hope we have a long time together here..." and I really do, there is alot that is really great about life, but let's be real, heaven will be so much sweeter! I guess it brings me back to Preston's life verse, "To live is Christ, but to die is gain" while I'm alive I will try my best to live for Jesus and make a difference out of love for him, but to actually be with Jesus....well now that is my gain.

I have soo much more to update ya'll on ( i love that word - ya'll) but I'll leave it for tomorrow!

The Move

2010-10-07T18:56:00.000-07:00

I have been non existent in the blogging world because we moved! I decided it was finally time to be closer to my family!! We had amazing support in Portland but nothing beats the help of family, especially when the boys are so young. It was a really hard decision for me, well wait.... the decision wasn't hard, that came pretty fast, it was the adjusting to what would be a new reality for us and accepting it - the latter which I still haven't entirely done.
Driving away from our home in Portland was the worst part, literally watching the distance grow between me and some of my best friends made my heart feel like it was being left behind as well, and I suppose part of it was. I thought that Portland would be our future for a really long time and I loved that. But when Preston died that "dream" slowly lost it's grip on my life so by the time we moved I was a little more adjusted to the reality that chances were high that Portland wasn't going to be my future. But it is still a HUGE loss to me. I already had close friends there before the accident, but when you face such an intense trauma with people the bond between friends can deepen and create a bond that nothing can ever take away. I know that those friends will always be my friends, but it's so painful to not be able to see them on such a regular basis like we were used to. We are again adjusting to a new normal. Jake is soo sweet, and has been a trooper through this all, he reminds me of his daddy everyday in how he has such a big heart, and he says to me almost everyday, "It's ok mommy, we'll go back to visit our friends in Portland and that will make you happy!" (sidenote: I am happy lol but he obviously has seen one too many tears)

I am a city girl or I guess suburb girl (ha ha) through and through. I love that there is always something to do in the city, so much diversity and the fast pace it brings. We have moved to a pretty small town and it is taking some adjusting to living here. I am not a fan of the high price of groceries, the knot in my stomach when I filled up with gas today - eww, the 12% sales tax on almost everything, the bank that closed at 3 today - b/c guess what time I got there? 2:55! Or the smell of cow poo, or the fact that I order tv, internet and phone and none will be hooked up next day, or the slow pace of life.
BUT I AM thankful for amazing family, great great friends, going to the grocery store and always seeing someone I know, rarely hearing sirens, all the "ehs," the view from my back porch, happy children and a beautiful house! (we'll be praying I discover more;)

I am overwhelmed with a to do list 3miles long, and I realized just how overwhelmed and emotional I was when the tv man came over and told me the proper wires to hook up my tv weren't wired up, and then two minutes later the phone and internet ppl call and tell me they can't install until a week after they said they would...i burst into tears and lay on the couch for 20 minutes. What a bum. I haven't done that in a long time and it felt awful. It wasn't entirely about the tv and phone stuff, it was more just the last straw! I admit I hate to be weak but I know when you are going through loss it's a necessary evil to let it all out, I think the important part is how you deal with it after the tears... and I have an incredible incredible God who picks me up, brushes me off, holds me close and strengthens me to keep going. I pray more times than there are minutes in a day, I just keep saying, God hold my heart, help me get through this and grow me through it. He will... it's just not always in my timing, but I do know his timing has been perfect and I trust in him abundantly and I have the monuments of all the other times he has gotten me through loss, if I can go through the loss of my best friend I can adjust to a small town! So I hope this wasn't too depressing, I have SUCH a peace that this is where God has led us and I know he has amazing things in our future....many adventures ahead, but it sure an adjustment!
Well I will stop here... my parents are playing with the boys, we're at their house for dinner and I should stop taking too much advantage of them, but man it's soo nice!!

Unsatisfied

2010-09-14T22:45:00.000-07:00

This is deep

And this is real

But if you start reading please finish or you might think I'm a turd.

"Unsatisfied" packs a punch. Maybe it hits you differently than it hits me but I think at one time or another it hits us all and sometimes the punch can hurt for a little longer. It has always been a huge issue in my life! I can't say exactly what I'm unsatisfied in because I am so not ready to bare my soul that much here, but you'll get what I mean.

It can generally be summed up as unsatisfied with certain things in life. I am SO beyond grateful for the blessings in my life, especially my boys!!!! And I thank God on a daily basis, sometimes far more, but then I think, "yes thank you for these blessings, they were unexpected blessings, but were not MY plan, what about my personal dreams and plans when will I have time for them? "Not my plan" big ugly words.... b/c they are so entirely self centered.

I'd ignore the thoughts for awhile, I'd chase them away temporarily but I don't think I've ever really really dealt with them to the point that I want desperately to crush the unsatisfaction. I think I've always felt it was my right to feel that way. But this was getting too much, my unsatisfaction was creating a wall between me and God - and that is a barren place to be.

I realized that what I was really saying is that God's plan is not good enough for me. I always say, well thank you God... BUT if I just had "this" or "that" then my life would be perfect, can't you just allow "that?" And when I was not receiving "that" it held me back from deepening my relationship with God and becoming slightly bitter to those who had what I desired. But I know, even when ppl get what they want, it only makes them happy for a moment and then they start the search all over again... looking for another "this" or "that." And knowing that why the heck was i still desiring something more (physically speaking)!? It's a sick cycle... please tell me I'm not the only one here who understands this!

So those are the raw thoughts.... i want to be transparent here because I feel like so many people always talk about the happy happy stuff and not the deep issues that we all face... I wanted to write this blog and conclude with what is below because there has to be others facing the same issues and no man should be an island... walking together is so much sweeter.

I had to deal with this unsatisfaction, it was eating me up so I prayed my unsatisfied heart out to God.
"God help me be at peace with your will for my life... lead me through these murky waters where I can't see what I could possibly learn from this or how i can feel differently..."
AND.. right away he led me. ((But I spent time with God through reading the BIble and praying, and didn't just pray and go on my merry way and shout to God - if you're real you better help me out here and expect him to shoot me an email on how to do that.. you know? He has already written us the most amazing letters, 66 in fact, the B I B L E. I know God can speak to us any way he wants and email would be sweet, but he has all the answers for us laid out in scripture so why not scour the pages in search of what we need, it's there everytime! And I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt I would find my answers and it was awesome.

God kept showing me verses saying, REJOICE (to feel or show great joy or delight) in Him.

"Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!" - Philipians 4:4

And verses that reminded me what I should be thinking.

..."whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. " Phil 4:8

And pray... continuously.

"Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer." - Romans 12:12

And then the big one for me came from a Psalm I have always heard, even ppl that don't go to church know this one, but it's when you know something "so well" that it no longer phases you..which is sad I know!

Psalm 23

The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not be in want. (that is me, oops)

He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,

(he makes me content and secure)

he restores my soul. ( but I need to make myself available for this)
       He guides me in paths of righteousness
       for his name's sake. (it's NOT about me)
  Even though I walk
       through the valley of the shadow of death, (aka the uncertainty of life)
       I will fear no evil,
       for you are with me;
       your rod and your staff,
       they comfort me...

(in shepherd days the rod was used to guide, rescue and protect. The staff was used for support)

Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, (God's love and the goodness he gives not that I create)
       and I will dwell in the house of the LORD
       forever.
The biggest thing I pulled from here was the first line, "I shall not be in want" sigh... I know this but I keep finding myself there again! He tells us over and over throughout scripture.. do not covet other ppl's stuff. It's a command not just a suggestion and that hit me in a new way.

And then I talked to Bonnie and she said that she feels very content and secure in the Lord and is at peace with how her life has gone and is going. That was soo incredibly encouraging to me because as most of you know, Bonnie lost her husband close to the same time as I lost Preston, leaving her with a sweet little girl and a baby boy in the belly (same as me)! So to know someone in my situation can feel content and satisfied did wonders for me.

So I may have God in my life and although he is my rock and my joy, there is still a fight going on; I have a self centered nature, like we all do, and we have a temptor who is constantly tempting us to be unsatisfied with where we are in life or what we have.... this time I have chosen to fight it with God's help.
I feel such relief from this burden... I still face those desires of wanting "this" or "that" and the temptation to sit in unsatisfaction, BUT I took the time to seek God in my weakness and when I am weak he is strong and he is the strength that has gotten me through this struggle and will see me through every other one. He's always so faithful it leaves me speechless everytime and sends chills down my spine.

Almost 2 years

2010-09-06T16:34:00.000-07:00

Sept 15th will mark the two year mark since Preston died. I can hardly believe it. "Preston" and "die" were never supposed to be in the same sentence for at least another 50 years! I keep looking at pictures of us from when we were dating, we would go to photo booths during college and we looked so young!! (ok we were) When I see these pics part of me is so full of joy thinking about what a great man I had and cherishing our memories in my heart. But the other side of me is heartbroken when I see the love and the hope we had in our eyes, we saw a lifetime of making so many more memories and growing old together...and that just didn't happen and two years later it's still so surreal. It's still soo sad.
I say that it's still so sad and you're probably thinking ya duh Tara, of course it's sad! But I think part of me wishes I wasn't sad anymore, ok alot of me, I hate being sad, I hate having pain in my life, I wish I didn't but I do... and I know that this isn't something one can get over. And maybe all the above was said because I feel like I'm a bit of a burden, I need alot of help with the boys still and I think two years ago I didn't imagine that in two years it would still be so complex! (It gets SOOOO much better, but still complex) I know that the accident is engraved into my life's journey and has helped define much of who I am today and I'm thankful for all I have learned and who I am. But I often wonder if this will hold me back from other things in life, like a relationship, and I don't really think so I just think it will take someone who will accept me for who I am and what I have been through and allow me to talk when I need to (although I'm totally aware that there are boundaries) and be ok that I will always love Preston - I wouldn't embrace anyone who wasn't madly in love with me and all of me anyway, there is absolutely NO settling for this girl:) I'm really satisfied where I'm at though, sure I hope one day someone comes and sweeps me off my feet again, but I have SO much else to focus on that it's not an aching desire. I have never walked here before so it's all new, i've never dated with children, I've never been widowed, I've never imagined this would be my life but I'm smiling and I'm excited for the adventures ahead, I'm happy that I've come soo far in just two years in alot of ways!
It's crazy to think that two years ago this is what we were doing (see Preston's blog in the link)! A normal day at the zoo... totally unaware that two weeks later our life would be changed tremendously for the rest of our lives. Micah will be 17 months this month! What! Man has time ever flown, my tiny little 5lb 9oz baby is now 21lb's and has a personality that is out of this world, his smile lights up a room just like his daddy's and I am so thankful God gave me the gift of a child to help get me through the darkness. But he will almost be the exact age that Jake was when Preston died... 18 months! And I have done this all without Preston and yet looking back when Jake was 18 months and the life that he and Preston and I had together it felt far longer. I am so thankful I have the hope that I will for sure, without a doubt see Preston again, I can't wait for that day, I imagine the hug will be sweet and last a very long time :) (Can I tell you how much I miss those hugs and kisses)

Last year for the one year we were in Disneyworld and having such a great time that the "anniversary" (using that word in a bad sense feels so wrong) wasn't as emotional as it might have been. And I was at a Life Insurance conference doing motivational speaking and helping others and thanking agents for what they do! But this year I'll be home, packing (b/c we're moving again) and and.... I don't know what to expect. I'm kind of dreading it - one reason is because you feel like you have to be sad, like if you aren't then you're a terrible person, it was the day that changed my life and it should affect me and ppl will call and say in that soft, sensitive voice, "how are you honey?" and I should be extremely sad and crippled, maybe I will be, but maybe.... I won't. And second if I am sad I dread that too so maybe what I"m trying to say is that there is a no win sitation for my emotions ha ha. I want to do something super fun, I know I can't compare to last year, but if you have a private jet that I can borrow I'd like to go to Hawaii for the day;) Maybe I need to spend the day doing something to help someone else like I did last year... hmmm...
Regardless of my emotional state I have not forgotten that although I am human and my emotions often tempt to torture me and bring me down (ex: all the above) God is my rock. WHAT an awesome comfort it is to know that the God who created me just as I am will not let me sink below the waters of grief. He will sustain me, he restores me, and he holds my heart... he is faithful above anyone else and because I know what an amazingly GREAT God he is I know I can trust him through my darkest days or my joyful ones.

I'll leave you with a great video from Hillsong - You Hold Me Now It really hits you that we are not here forever and that those who have gone before us who knew Jesus are being held by Gods sweet embrace.... His perfect embrace.

Cookie Adventures

2010-08-31T16:26:00.000-07:00

One morning this week the boys and I decided to embark on a cookie adventure. Yes I am making this a way bigger deal than most would who are making cookies, but baking with a three year old and a one year old is not a twenty minute moment. We had an entire morning to spare, so off we went, best cookie recipe in hand and new tips from the most wonderful bakers - my own friends:) I am a perfectionist. It is annoying and yet so satisfying when I do perfect something. Sadly making things perfect does not happen very often. My cookies always taste amazing, but never look perfect, and I end up truly wanting to throw them across the kitchen because they didn't look how I wanted them to... ok maybe this is more control freak than perfectionist ;) anyway, I decided today we were going to make the best looking cookies I have ever made. So I asked my friends on facebook - how do you make the perfect cookie? give me your tips! And wow I did not realize the response I would get, nor did I realize that making chocolate chip cookies is an art.
Here is what we did differently
- more brown sugar than white (makes them softer)
- mixed the dough without an electric mixer
- chilled the dough for an hour
- used a ton of chocolate chips and the good ol nestle recipe

Here is the pics from our adventure and yes it was an adventure:)

My helpers!

My little musician, Jake kept banging the measuring spoons on the counter - not a nice noise!

Micah was so done baking - he tried really hard for quite some time to get this cup in the garbage - and yes i was already done with it.

You decide: perfect or not,

three happy kids tell me they were AWESOME!

Happy Bday my love

2010-08-31T15:47:00.000-07:00

It was Preston's birthday on the 23rd... sooo weird, he would have been 26! His family was here with us which was nice but there was such a void without him here. Specifically on his birthday because you're recognizing a day that would have been a big celebration and now is not - now we devote a very small part of our day to remember the incredible man who was once celebrating with us. I missed him SO much this day, it choked me up alot. Sometimes I think it's harder when you're doing soo good emotionally and then you have a bad day, it makes you feel like you've gone backwards, although you know that's not possible it can be soo depressing. I know though that Preston is glad he's in Heaven, I have no doubt he's loving every second of it! I doubt they celebrate birthdays up there, isn't everyday a huge celebration!? Maybe they celebrate the day you came to heaven? We wrote little notes and tied them to balloons and sent them into the clouds... Jake thinks they are really going to Heaven and to be honest I really hope they do:) I think it's pretty perfect for the little guys.

This is what Jake wanted to write - simple and sweet:)

(I wrote it holding his hand)

Us with his family and our many balloons!

Better than I thought..

2010-08-11T23:30:00.000-07:00

So the trauma session today was better than I thought it would be! I feared it would be worse, maybe I was afraid I would unravel so much I couldn't be put back together but that wasn't the case at all!
I relived much of the accident, and everyone "feels," "remembers" differently but I chose to close my eyes and snuggle into the chair, I think me and the chair may have become bffs. Pat let me do what I needed to as I relived the worse moment of my life, it was insanely emotional although not as tearful as I imagined. The part I seemed to need to deal with the most was the twenty minutes that I held Preston in my arms, where he died and where I realized my life would never be the same - where the loss was initiated. And I really felt like I was there and I was able to talk through alot of it. It was so freeing to be able to just meet the memories I needed to and stay there as long as I had to. No interruptions, no children walking in, no "i have to go to bed." It was a safe place, where I could express my emotion and have someone guide me through it, a controlled environment where I could be uncontrolled, make sense?
And after it was all over I had relief. Like I had been holding my breath for two years over this and I finally breathed out. I can't even say why I instantly felt so relieved, I just talked and cried and relived and remembered things I didn't before and it made it better? ya it really did. All day after the session and I thought about the accident I didn't have this shattered heart, panic attack feeling. It's still sad, without question, but I wasn't screaming inside.

All day I have been exhausted, headache and all. I mean utterly and entirely feel like I might pass out for a week if I close my eyes.... I have soo much going on right now and am overwhelmed with maybe doing too much and I just need to slow down, but I literally have so much planned I won't be slowing down until October! yikes!
Tonight I shared a sweet and relaxing moment with my boys, it was all summed up when Jake said, "mommy, I love when you play with me" Anytime my sweet boy:) I filled the kiddie pool with pillows and balls and they jumped off the deck into it, then we lay there watching planes fly overhead and reading books.

Tomorrow I am going for a much needed massage and pedicure... a gift from my girlfriends! Love you girls;) I will soak it for all it's worth. Then we're off to Cali for a few days, oh sweet beloved warmth I need you, I think Portland is confused and has been dipping into fall way to early! We're going to see my college roomy that I've been saying I'll visit for 8 years so finally we're takin the trip! I am really excited to see her and her life:)

And thank you all for your encouragement and support, it means SOO much to me to see your comments, it's so so meaningful to know I am surrounded by such love!

Tomorrow...

2010-08-11T00:06:00.000-07:00

We have been so crazy busy lately! My friend Katie was in town this past week, she came all the way from Ontario to drive home with us and then flew out yesterday! We had such a great time and ate one too many desserts, but it was soo worth the extra love handle I gained:) My parents are here visiting now, and I love having company but I have to say I am pretty tired! I am not one who ever wants alone time, I could thrive on having 20 minutes a day of alone time, but this week I'm craving it! Nothing at all against my company, they are amazing, but I haven't slowed down enough and I'm mentally and physically spent! I say I'll go to bed early but it never happens, It's like I get my second (or third or fourth) wind at 10pm and I'm good for a couple more hours, I always regret it in the morning, but at least I got a ton done right?

I decided I am going to trauma counseling. I never felt like I needed alot of counseling, I have always prayed that God would lead me in my grief and help me to have a healthy grieving (whatever that looks like). And I believe I have, it hasn't been an easy road, but a blessed road, a road full of purpose and lessons etched in my heart that will stay with me for life; I would say I am better for [almost] every minute of it! But there is one piece in my life that is still so shattered and broken and painful and downright maddening!! This is of course, the accident... every moment of the accident.... leading up to and stepping away from. It's like so much of grief is a big knot, just sitting there until you deal with it. And with God's help I have worked out and walked through much of it, but there is still this giant knot that I can't seem to figure out. I can talk about the accident, I do it alot, but I don't talk about it emotionally, I just state the facts and somehow stay away from going there emotionally - it's that strong will my mother loved so much kicking in! But I can't even write about it, that is the one part of my book I haven't written at all, and I'm pretty sure that if I'm writing a book around 'that' it might be key to write about! So thus I decided trauma counseling sounded like the right option. My counselor is amazing, I trust her so much which is probably pretty important:)
But I'm scared. I'm afraid that I have been doing so well and now I'm allowing myself to go back to my deepest pain, the pit of pain that can radiate through every inch of my body and paralyze me. The moment that makes me want to scream NO THIS CANNOT BE REAL, THIS CANNOT BE HAPPENING TO ME!!! It almost feels like I'll be going backwards. But I trust that God has led me here, I trust that everything in my grieving has prepared me for this. I'm reminded of when my babies began to crawl, they both crawled backwards before they went forward, but boy when they went forward they went full force and they only got stronger from there... hmmm.... I like that.
I think there is a very strong stigma in Christian circles that counseling is only for the desperate or the weak in faith - "oh maybe they don't trust God can help them" type thing, but I totally disagree. I do believe that God can heal anything, I'm proof he heals. God has created us with all the right tools to heal and he leads that (if we allow), but there are certain issues where we just can't figure out how to use those tools to help put ourselves back together. Maybe God knows we need other people to help unravel these knots within us. We are not islands, we need others and isn't that part of the beauty of the body of the church? Coming together and being transparent and growing from one another, building each other up in Christ etc? I am so thankful that someone else is trained to know how God created our minds, so we can use that knowledge to process the roughest moments in our lives. It's really a gift.
So I'm a little afraid, but I trust God, I have always said, If you know the character of God it will be impossible NOT to trust in him. I want to trust in him with every fiber in my body, I know that he is my stronghold, he is faithful, he does not allow my feet to slip, he loves me with an unfailing love, he shields all who take refuge in him, he turns my darkness to light, and he restores. So I pray, God please help me to trust in you and what I know is true so that it penetrates my soul and becomes breath to me.
I don't think these sessions will stop the pain when I think about Sept 15th, 2008, but I'll have more tools and knowledge showing me how to deal with my thoughts rather than freaking out inside. I'm really excited to see what the other side of this looks like because I know just who is leading me through them and God works ALL things out for the good of those who love him. Your prayers would be so awesome:)
I'll really try to update tomorrow on how it goes!

New Chairs

2010-08-04T15:35:00.000-07:00

I refinished two chairs i found at goodwill and had to share! Cause I know there are some design geeks out there just like me who appreciate posts like this;)

Electric sanders are my best friend, as is primer/paint in one! I did both chairs for $57, not too bad. Chairs: $20 at goodwill, paint: $11 home depot, Pillow: $5 each at second hand store Fabric: $16 on sale

BEFORE AFTER

There are actually two chairs but I only took the picture of the one. The color is a little daring for me, but it will fit perfectly in my decor in my new house. I wasn't sure if the pillow fit with the chair pad, but I decided I liked it enough for now! It was so fun to do, but lack of time and having kids made for a long project!

Music is power

2010-07-27T23:49:00.000-07:00

Listening to music.... late at night... tired... and now tears sting my eyes. Music just brings it out of me! In the best way though.... I was listening to 'Your love oh Lord' by third day and it was a song that Preston's best friend Tim and his beautiful wife Sarah sang at our wedding, but it also holds so much more emotion for me, other memories.
And then yesterday I was driving in the car by myself and instead of listening to our beloved Raffi I got to listen to my music! I heard this song, "unashamed love" by Ten sheckel shirt and that was a song we sung at Briercrest that reminded me of when I first starting to date Preston. I remember singing that song and actually singing it to God and not being distracted by the hottie next to me! I was always distracted when it came to guys, but when it was right I wasn't, God was first for a change. Isn't it "funny" how everything in life sails so much smoother when God is number 1?
The next song was an old one too... "everything" by Lifehouse... six minutes of complete reflection. That song takes me all the way back to my first concert in highschool, but it has so much meaning to me now as well.
Maybe all this to say, music is powerful! It can break you and bring forth the river of tears, it can make you laugh and dance and at times look like an idiot (maybe that's just me). I know for me God has used music to express my heart when I had no words. So I don't live on every word my ipod whispers into my ear, but lately I have been loving the power music has in my life.

God thank you for working in my life even through music.... you are breathtaking.

Summer

2010-07-17T22:20:00.000-07:00

I love summer, I never realized how weather can so effect the mood, but it is an enormous factor, although we have a choice about how to respond to our initial feeling of grumpiness it's not so fun when you wake up to rain! I'm thankful for sun, beaches, boating and getting tanned!

Speaking of getting tanned, I got a spray tan, my friend has her own spray tanning thing (ya that sounds official right?) so I asked her to spray me.... let me tell you it was an experience. I laughed through most of it and so did she, partly awkward at having someone spray you while you're clothes are barely there, we bonded to say the least. I am far more tanned, however.... I quickly got two streaks running down my leg so I looked like I was wearing nylons and then I touched them to blend it - without gloves, such a rookie! Now I'm left with an orange hand, orange heels and one orange thumb (on the other hand) but the rest of me looks really good! If it was free every time I would be this tanned all year long.

This past month we drove to Canada with some great friends, the boys did amazing! It's only five hours, but five H O U R S can be a L O O O O O N G time with two children. Driving past the scene of the accident was not even close to ok. It was actually terrible emotionally. I think one reason is because i have been doing so well and then it's like a slap in the face and whips that memory against me sending my emotions every which way.. you just have no idea how you'll respond to "triggers" and obviously this one is the biggest. My amazing amazing friend Lori was with me and she "held my hand" through and let me talk and talk and talk and talk until i felt ok... yes talking really helps me ha ha. We spent some time in North Vancouver and Jake discovered a ball pit... did you know they still made those things, I thought they were all banned for fear of germs!?!? I even got excited when i saw it and was really disappointed when they had a height restriction ha ha

And on a far more intimate and serious level ( I'm running low on creative sentence transitions;) I have been entirely amazed and blown away by the grace of God. I have been watching as two of my close friends have started new and amazing relationships - and so clearly from God. Both ppl have gone through very difficult times in their life and I am watching as God is turning mourning to dancing, and replacing sorrow with happiness! I remember when the accident first happened and ppl would say, "time, tara, it takes time and you'll heal and feel better" I thought, "ya sure, I can't imagine ever feeling "happy" again, and even if you want to there is part of you that doesn't want to because the happier you get and the less time you spend grieving the farther you feel like you move from that person you lost - even though they would want you to move on you have to come to a place where you accept that it's ok to move on.
Bottom line, it was hard to ever imagine God turning mourning into dancing, but he ALWAYS will. It doesn't mean life won't be hard again, but isn't there so much peace and hope knowing there will always be future grace? I'm so thankful that even when life seems bleak and dark and deep and appears that those painful lenses that you are viewing life through will never go away, they will and there will be happy moments again and even moments - like love when we'll say GOD, you are too good to me and your heart will overflow and overflow with adoration and appreciation for the grace of God. He gives and he takes away, but he is GOOD and faithful through every second of it.

2010-07-03T00:02:00.000-07:00

As i type my boy Jake is sleeping on the couch, and he just fell asleep - 10:30, wow. I am currently sitting on a bum numbing stool at my out of date breakfast bar and I just about peed my pants at the POW of fireworks, heart still racing... dang I hate those things, am I old?
Anyway sweet Jacob, he hates sleep, he is scared of his curtains and then he is afraid of shadows and monsters and after the monster spray doesn't work and he's peed and gotten water he just wants to sleep in mommies bed. Tonight I gave in ( I wont' tell you how many times I actually do.. maybe that is my problem) I gave him the land line phone while I dialed him in on my cell phone and sang to him over speakerphone so I could do the dishes and watch my movie... and at last he fell asleep. Then 25 minutes later I heard the cry from the top of the stairs, "MOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMY" My blood froze, crap. Well it turned out to be my fault because after he fell asleep I turned my phone off but not his... BEEP BEEP BEEP.... oops. So that is how he ended up on the couch, I couldn't handle his tears so I hulled him down the stairs and plopped him right onto the couch where he fell asleep in less than three minutes. So here we are now.

I am watching Julie and Julia, so far a completely enchanting movie. Makes me want to cook more, although I'm not sure what the boys would think about cow foot or screaming lobsters, then again I don't think I'm a fan of cows foot:)
I love that Julia is so fun and carefree, and yet is still elegant. I hate that it's so easy to grow up and get got up in adulthood or whatever adulthood is supposed to be... I think we're still guessing what that is even into our fourties, am I right? It's like this ideal that we have to be so proper, and not have a hint of child left in us, we're parents and career types after all! We should be the mature ones and that's true to a point, but maybe it can go so far as to say there is no fun or play in you left because you're too consumed with who you should be. If you know me you know I have indeed not entirely adopted every adult way and i am ok with that. I have fun, although that being mature junk does get to me sometimes and I think, dang girl you need to be more poised! But if we're to live everyday likes it our last I'd rather laugh and laugh with good friends and play a game of spoons like we're at an elementary birthday party and drink chocolate milk instead of wine and not care!

So none of that was even about grief. Relief. I mean I am still grieving, it's just different, not all consuming. To be honest lately I have been so annoyed by grief. It lingers like bacon (seriously, how do you get rid of that bacon smell?) I guess this is all to say I don't want every blog to be about grief... i don't always have something to write about in that aspect, and as time passes it gets less and less. Hopefully i'll fill this blog space with other moments in our life and other ways we have seen the hand of God touch our life... a little grief share, a little "other" only time will tell what that other is. I do have some chairs I am re-doing... ok I know, some of you want to gag yourself with a spoon, but trust me it isn't the topic, it's the heart behind the words and the flow of the letters that are most powerful... hoping you stay with me through many more random letters ;)

Pedi blog

2010-06-16T22:48:00.000-07:00

I am sitting getting a pedicure and loving every minute. The massage chair just turned off
which reminds me that my relaxation hour is almost at it's glorious end and in a few moments I will have to step back into reality. And today I am entirely ok with that! My mom is visiting and I'm so so so thankful! She is like super grandma helping me so much, I swear I don't deserve any if it for the crappy way I treated her as a teenager! But a mothers love covers a multitude of shortcomings and I've learned to accept the help!

Yesterday was a good day... I had my girls over, we ate a delicious dessert (cause I made it duh!) chocolate cake - then whipping cream - roasted strawberries - more cake - more whipped cream - more strawberries then drizzled with peppermint chocolate sauce YUM! We talked alot and just shared our lives with one another... I treasure my friendships and girl time, I would never want to be a man, except when I really have to pee and I'm outside, such freedom that would be...

Anyway.... The last girl left and I brushed my teeth, washed my face, kissed my boys and climbed into my princess bed ( four poster bed i love u) and I lay down listening to Priscilla Ahn on my iPod.... As my head hit the pillow my eyes rested on the same thing they do every night, a picture of Preston, smiling his light up a room smile! Memories flashed back to "us" and then I remembered the accident and then thoughts flooded my mind of that raw all consuming pain that clung to me so tightly after Preston died. Sometimes these nightly moments have broken me, brought me back and made me sad all over again. But last night was the realization that I am not that girl anymore, actually on most nights I am able to look at Preston's picture and be thankful I had such a love and am not torn to pieces and I fall asleep without torment. I still have those raw moments but I am not living in pain like I did. I am happy far more than I am sad, I smile way more than I used to, I laugh because I actually want to (not because I feel like I should), and I see a brilliant future ahead! It's such a freedom...

Bonnie and I were talking the other night how it's unbelievable how much we have healed, and how far we have come since day 1. The wound is not mended and we both know it won't ever be but in time joy and happiness have flooded our hearts and replaced that awful unbearable 24/7 pain... Being in pain like that is restricting and that is unbelievably frustrating (imagine yourself in a freakin box), but you don't always have a choice, and what is victory without trial? Thankfully God works within our pain. Both of us never fathomed that we would get to such a good place.... But God in his goodness and immense love would never even think of leaving us as we were/are. And still I'm sure we'll look back in a year and say again, "my friend, can you even believe how far we've come and how much we've grown?" To journey through this with Bonnie has been one of God's most gracious gifts. To connect with someone on a regular day is wonderful, but to connect with someone in the midst of your pain, journey with them through the grief and walk into the sunshine together is even more indescribable, it's a connection that will never fade.

So amen to sweet friends and God's incredible way that he transforms the broken hearted...
"Indescribable, uncontainable, You place the stars in the sky and You know them by name, You are amazing God! All powerful, untameable, awestruck we fall to our knees as we humbly proclaim, You are amazing God" - chris tomlin (thanks Nellie for the reminder;)

Who will I be at 90?

2010-06-08T22:09:00.000-07:00

The storm of my last post has past, thank the Lord! That was miserable, but I pray I am better for having walked... wait sat through it ha ha. I treasure the beauty God taught me along the way and am constantly amazed how he never ceases to remind me he never leaves us, never. I am going to an amazing counselor who is teaching me and jake how to walk through his grief through play therapy, it's amazing and i'll blog it later - hopefully!

I am doing a Beth Moore study at church with a group of incredible ladies called "the Inheritance" - about all that we inherit when we give our life to Jesus and all we will inherit when we pass on from this life. So we had a bit of homework to do one week that was hilarious and entirely captivating. We had to sit back and envision ourselves at the ripe age of 90 what would ppl say about how we lived? What!? We even went as far as describing what we would look like and then because our group is led by amazing and hilarious woman, we had a 90th birthday celebration. Sadly I was sick that week, but I heard the highlight was when one girls "saggy" boobs fell out. love it!
I can't even imagine being 90, seems like a million years away, but I know time goes so fast. Here are some of the things I wrote:
I hope that I'll be a sweet and cute old lady, I think how you feel on the inside comes out on the outside so I hope that my funky personality matches my high heels and bright red lipstick, wait that sounds like a hooker, don't worry I won't go there!
I hope that I can pinch my lose skin and laugh at my saggy hooters (cant imagine, but I can hope right!?) I want to cherish my wrinkles as a life well lived and full of laughter. I hope overall that I don't sit around drinking prune juice and complaining of all my deficiencies, and that I'm just downright joyful. I want to be beautiful inside and as best as i can on the outside despite how wrinkly or crippled I am.
I hope I am a hardworker and that laziness isn't even part of my vocabulary.
I hope that I'm loving to ALL (I suck at loving those that are hard to love, let's be honest) loving all because Jesus first loved me and all my crap. (I'm such an elegant writer)
I hope that I am an example to my boys, and that I'll always be cooler to them than anyone else - ha ha I'm totally kidding... just a little:) I pray they call me blessed and that they see a woman striving to serve the Lord with all my heart.
I hope that I am humble, and that pride will never have a foothold in my life. Ppl who are full of pride make me want to vomit. I have seen many ppl fall because of their pride, Lord, please don't let me be one of them!
Overall, I hope that those who know me would say that i was a joy to be around (don't we all want to be liked? ha!) and that the difference that they see in me is Jesus Christ because he's the one who changes lives not super little ol me. I hope no one ever sees me as "an island" but that I am transparent, sharing my lifes experiences to inspire and build others up, not just to hear myself speak! I hope ppl will say that Tara lived her life without selfish motives and that she put others before herself and served Christ with all her heart, that he was her foundation and nothing else. And that she was a joy to all that met her and above all else was faithful to her God, honoring and magnifying him through every painful and beautiful moment in her life.
Ultimately I want to live a life worthy of standing in front of my creator... I think every day what it must have been like for Preston to do that... it makes my mind go crazy just imagining it!

So a silly, but completely life changing assignment. It's amazing to live your life in light of the end, and not depressing at all. Our bodies will fail us and hopefully we will be able to laugh at them, wrinkly skin, and all that sags (if we live so long), but to think what others will say of how we lived and WHO we lived for is a really impacting aspect I believe of how you live everyday now!

"Even after all we've endured, when we see our inheritance, our exlamation will be ALL THIS!?" - B. Moore

What a week!

2010-05-27T00:09:00.000-07:00

Well well.. this has been quite the week! I woke up Tuesday night and was sick all over... it was awful. I was crouched over in the bathroom at 5am when in walks a little Jacob (who must have heard me) and comes over and tells me he's going to sit on my lap and snuggle... I couldn't resist, but let me tell you it was a really short snuggle. I was sick the entire next day, and I mean really sick. Throwing up and you know all that, no energy, fever etc... but you still have to look after your kids! thankfully I have amazing friends who helped me out. Kristin came and watched the boys for an hour and a half while I slept and then brought them dinner because the thought of food made me want to vomit. And another friend brought eloctrolight drinks so I didn't dehydrate.
Today was better, I stopped feeling sick last night and am now left with the cold that I had before I started throwing up but I still felt so week and gross and i wasn't entirely convinced that the boys weren't sick so we stayed home again. (But after spending the whole day with them they aren't, thank you Lord!)
I am not a good housebound person, I have to have other human adult interaction! Thankfully a couple ppl stopped by to visit, but otherwise it was really lonely. And to top it off it was pouring out!!! I decided to suck it up and be a true Oregonian and go puddle jumping with the boys so after we got all bundled up we went outside and as i was holding micah and a tricycle in the other hand I slipped on the wet deck!!!! OUCH!! My legs went out from under me and I landed mostly on my back and ribs, and therefore got the wind knocked out of me!! So there I am, pathetic as ever, sprawled on my back entirely sure I had broken something while Micah (who landed last) was screaming beside me. Jake was still on the other side of the deck unaware and playing in his puddle. Micah was fine, just scared! So I am sore, I don't think i did break anything, maybe just bruised half of my body ha ha! (ok soo not funny yet)

We have alot of "lonely" days, when we have to stay home and it's raining and no one comes to visit, but when you have low energy it's a little bit harder to entertain two energetic children. My perspective is, if you want to have fun you will! So we did... and we had some fun moments. And then I got mad at Jake for something little and he burst into tears, not the temper tantrum tears but the defeated life is awful type tears. And he ran to my arms and stayed there for a good 10 minutes while I held him. I asked what is wrong, I said, talk to me baby, tell mommy what is making you so sad and angry. And he dove into the pillow and quietly whispered I want my daddy back. UGH. ouch. Pain pain pain. My child, I'm so sorry. What to say... My response was simply, I know sweetie, I know, it hurts and I held him some more. Then we prayed together. He acted happier, but again in bed he talked about how much he missed Preston, (I think he is missing having him in life and experiencing having a daddy, because I don't believe he actually remembers him other than seeing him in movies and pictures) He just knows something is missing. I told him he could look at pictures and his reply was, "NO, I want my real daddy." We talked and prayed again and he fell asleep. Moments like this are what makes this all so hard, seeing what my boys will have to go through is heartbreaking. I can't even fathom what it will be like when Micah gets to this stage.

So after all this I'm looking out the window, at the pounding, depressing rain, in pain physically and emotionally and I just thought, "this place is a God forsaken land" ya... I'm that low. And then I thought, man, actually it's really green everywhere and green is so not a sign of God forsakenness... and then God met me in a powerful way. He reminded me that even when it's pouring out (metaphorically) he is still creating something beautiful in me. When it rains, it often pours, but God is not any farther than he was when it was sunny out, he is always working and when we're willing to embrace that work the outcome will always be beautiful. If we're willing to allow him in... the rain will just be rain, not the end of the world. I needed that reminder so much.

" Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. The rain came down and the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, yet it did not fall, because it had it's foundation on the rock."
I have confidence where my foundation is, it got me through today.

Oh. SO. exciting.

2010-05-20T16:18:00.000-07:00

Apparently I am a BAAAD blogger, life is just so dang busy, how people update their blog several times a week is beyond me!

I had a birthday and had two parties! One was a surprise and they got me good!! I didn't expect a thing, which made it even sweeter!

I have had alot of company in town, Preston's Grandma and her sister were here and then Preston's family came, it was a full but fun house! We went to the coast and Multnomah Falls (the usual hot visitor spots) and ate a ton of good food! I have a goal to be perfect.. ha ha I am kidding, I have a goal to be a much better cook than I am. When it is just me and the boys it's really hard to cook a big, gourmet meal, talk to me in ten years and I'm sure they'll eat twice as much as me, but for now it doesn't feel worth it to cook up a storm for the three of us. So i love to have company because it gives me a good excuse to use my oh so incredible cooking skills (spoken with sarcasm). I get most of my recipes from cookinglight.com or I use recipes I've eaten at others houses so I KNOW it's good. I have learned NOT to experiment when I have company, maybe in time I'll be so skilled I'll be a fabulous cook all the time, but now i'll learn from others. I found a roasted chicken, rubbed with salt and pepper and stuffed with a whole lemon cut up, celery and oregano sprigs, and red potatoes and other root vegetables cut up to fill the roaster around the chicken and it was SO amazing. I was proud.

My sister and her four friends are in town right now, that is super fun. It is actually quite refreshing to be around young 20 somethings, they have so much energy and are hilarious. They love to work out (in whatever way gives them the most laughs, aka bellydancing, and a few other "interesting" work out videos, carmen electra anyone?) and really enjoy photo documenting their adventures. Jake and Micah love all the attention, they are quite the ladies men . It'll be so quiet when they leave, I really really enjoy a full house.

I've also been working on my book, I go through times when I write write write and seem to have alot of great ideas and it flows so well and other times when I'm stumped beyond stumped and couldn't write if I had a gun to my head. I think it's supposed to be like that though. I'm trying to think about publishers now, I've done some research and am really thinking it will be best to get a trustworthy literary agent... if you have good reliable info let me know;)

Well that was a pretty non exciting blog, God has been teaching me SO much, I wish I could write it all, but i'll leave it for another post, the boys are awake!! Mommy love calls!

Mothers Day

2010-05-07T14:54:00.000-07:00

Two days before Mothers day and I am hoping Monday would just come. Last year mother's day wasn't sad at all, people around me showered me with gifts and affection and sympathy, after all it was my first mothers day without Preston. But I really wasn't very sad. I just had Micah and was adjusting to my role as mommy of two, maybe I was just too tired to be sad ha ha. This year is entirely different. One reason I absolutely hate facebook is because everyone is on their shouting how happy they are that it's mothers day, aka bragging, boo status updates... I try to be sensitive to other ppls journeys with my updates and try not to brag, but I know it won't always work, maybe I'll just never write a status again lol. wow... I think i could write an entire post on that.

So if you haven't left my blog I'll continue I promise it gets nicer....

This past year has been an incredible journey, ups and downs and super highs and super lows... I've really experienced being a single mom. On one hand I feel as if I deserve a year at a spa and on the other hand I feel SO blessed and I am blown away by the gifts that are my children, what a privilege it is to be their mommy. I should really focus on that and just breath in that moment, but I'm going to wallow in self pity for just a moment, then I"ll let it rest, thanks for listening.
Being a mom can be a very thankless job, although Jake is always quick to declare his love for his mama and is never short on compliments... I do love that. But I don't hear too many thank you mom for changing my pee soaked sheets at 2am or thanks mom for making me breakfast or thank you mom for searching every inch of the house until you found my special blanket (ok I don't expect a one and three year old to say thanks for those things, i'm just saying..) Not to say I am super mom, I am so imperfect, but I do alot and at the end of the day I don't have Preston there encouraging me or rubbing my aching shoulders, or just to talk through the day with. I am so thankful for God's role in my life, he truly is a husband to the widow, I just wish he was physically here!

To know what it is like to feel and experience love is by far one of the greatest gifts of life. So to lose such a love and to be intensely aware of what you had is of course deeply painful. Once in awhile I'll still get the urge to call Preston, or today as I was at the grocery store with Micah (jake was at preschool) I had flashbacks to when I was at the same store with Jake as a baby, getting groceries for P, jake and I, and after we would take the same route Micah and I were on to go see Preston at the church. I think memories like that will always tear at my heart. I miss Preston. I don't just miss him because I'm insanely selfish and want him here to encourage me and affirm my role as mother, but today I miss him for the role he played as husband and father which completed my role...

I'm pretty sure marriage and parenthood was meant to be done as a team, and when that is done well and both people have given their whole hearts to this mission it is incredibly beautiful, I crave that connection today. I pray that God gives me the chance to love again, to cherish, appreciate, encourage and love with every ounce of my being whoever that man might be for all that he is and all that he can be. And side note I am not dumb and desperate, I'm waiting on God's perfect timing if it's meant to be! Love is a gift and even though love in itself is a journey it's completely worth it.

So conclusion... I KNOW my boys love me, their vocabulary just can't articulate the thanks they feel:) and ultimately that's not my point. I will not wallow in this lame (but real) self pity for too much longer, it's good just to get it out, otherwise it builds up and then the emotional explosion might be pretty nasty. I stay here for a moment, ok a few moments, unleash all my emotion and then because I am not in this moment alone God shows me there is light and showers me in his amazing peace. And with a whisper he tells me, your life is very real, there is no point in living in an alter reality, embrace this day, you are without a husband, but you are with me and I have great things for you to do now. Trust in that truth and walk into that role with my strength, dignity and grace. See the good that awaits and be open and available for whatever I have for you today... follow me Tara, it will be ok. That's a truth worth investing in. How sweet, when I am weak He is strong.
This mothers day may be far from how I imagined life would look, but this is how it was meant to be.
God, I give you my pain, all my tears (that I wish I could cry - I suck at crying) and my alter reality in which I often dwell in. Please take them and mold me through them, help me to invest in making the most of my day and this life that I have NOW. Love you.

Sorry mom this post was not about you in the least, I'm having a selfish moment, but I do love and appreciate you and ALL you do SO much!!!

Spring

2010-04-25T15:23:00.000-07:00

I think Spring is breathtaking, especially in Portland, but I am biased. All the trees full of blossoms, shouting new life has arrived, a new beginning has begun. I feel refreshed and reenergized. After the accident I remember thinking there is NO possible way I could ever have a healthy, abundant and beautiful life again, everything seemed so barren. What I had and loved was no more, it was gone in a second, thankfully I was left with the gift of my precious boys, but to imagine what a year from then looked like made my stomach sour.
As I was on a walk with my boys today, we stopped at a dirt pile, the boys with freshly cleaned clothes (what was I thinking) and right out of the bath (dumb mommy) they were like ants to a picnic.... (I'll include a picture later) and dived into the dirt. While they were enjoying being little boys I was taking in the blossoming trees.
I think nature is one of the best analogies of life, and today was profound for me. I was looking at the branches of the trees. On their own they are ugly, brown, bland, twisted and without life, but the next tree was full of branches sprinkled with blossoms and abundant with flowers. I think the same is true for how God works. On our own we are naked, without purpose, and our future is not looking too hopeful. But when you allow God to come into your life, coming to him as you are (whether you've been walking with Jesus for awhile or never before, he has the power to transform and refine us into a "tree" firmly planted with deep roots and whose leaf does not whither and whose flower does not fade.
So when I doubted that I could ever wake up refreshed and energized I was wrong, it took time and alot of bare days (and I still have them) but God in his wisdom and profound love created in me a life so full of hope and abundant with joy that tomorrow no longer makes my stomach churn and I can actually see sunshine in the distance. Only a living God can do that. Believe in that hope and embrace Jesus into your life, he will transform your hopelessness and clothe you with his glory and that is always breathtaking.

Here are a few pictures from our walk,

Micah liked more than just the dirt...

Bare Branches

Blossoms

Beauty

Abundant with flowers

A year ago today...

2010-04-09T22:18:00.000-07:00

Wow. One year ago I was holding Micah for the first time, six hours old and smaller than any baby I've ever held before! He was 5'lb9oz, and only a week early (he just stopped growing after 36weeks, nothing wrong, he just likes being small:)
HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY SWEET BOY!
After the accident alot of people commented to me or to those close to me that it was going to be soo hard (and some couldn't comprehend how God would allow tragedy at such a time as this) to have two small kids and be a single mom, and let it be known that there were times when I agreed. And there were moments before Micah was born and I was trying to wrap my grief stricken mind around having two under two when I asked God, "are you sure you know better than me? cause I'm pretty sure I can't do this, or at least do this and turn out two normal children (ha ha).
And then Micah came along, I had so much peace and joy the entire day he was born. I felt God so close to my heart, his presence and his love for this girl was so very real. He was about to give me a gift that he knew would have such a profound effect on my life.

I honestly can't believe it has been one year, it really does blow my mind. In one year Micah has gone from laying like a blob (a cute one) to rolling, and crawling and signing and talking and walking and chasing his brother around, even fighting back once in awhile (he can make Jacob cry)! I pray that the bond of brotherhood only grows, I tell them that they are going to be best friends and do so many things together, although Jake did tell me he was going to take Micah to his teachers so they could show him everything, oh well, I think he'll figure his part out in time!

I think Jake said it best the other night while we were snuggling reading bedtime books; we were looking at an elmo book and came across a picture of elmo's daddy in elmo's room, Jake says, "a picture of his daddy, just like I have on my wall!" I said, "that's right Jake, that's so special." then he says, "He died, but we're still happy!" I wasn't sure whether to cry or to smile, so I smiled as tears sparkled in my eyes. Yes, it is really brutal that Preston died, but we ARE happy and I am SO thankful that my precious little three year old sees that. Maybe I have done a good job. Thank you Lord.

As I see Micah (and Jacob) grow physically I am reminded of my emotional and spiritual growth as well, when they grow I grow. I can say that in confidence because I have and will continue to give my grief and my pain and my happiness to the Lord and allow him to refine me and allow him to mold my journey into something beautiful, the ugly parts, the nice parts and the painful ones too. The Lord is the author and perfecter of my faith and my life... I'm in good hands.

Micah physically initiated a new beginning for the three of us, God completely and entirely knew what he was doing, he created me for such a time as this and he is walking with me through it and giving me strength to get through my days. Even just from the past year I have a stack of monuments that SHOUT:
God is faithful. God is powerful. God is loving. God is gracious. God IS real. Very real.

A year ago I had written that i was angry Preston will never hold his baby boy or take him to the park or teach him how to ride a bike, and I still think that is brutally sad, but it doesn't pierce my heart as it once did. I think that if we could see what Preston sees in Heaven and all the glory we can't even begin to imagine then I think we would live differently knowing that this present suffering is so small in comparison to the beauty that awaits us...
My boys are my joy here on earth and as chaotic and crazy as some days can get (like today but i'll blog that later) i wouldn't give it up for anything, God was so gracious to me by giving me Jacob and Micah.

Happiness is not an anchor

2010-03-31T15:27:00.000-07:00

Living in Portland has it's ups, I love the beauty here, the rich, breathtaking colors of every season, the city life, the shopping (of course!), the green loving people and the scenic views of Mt hood displayed outside my window. But the downside is the RAIN... it's like a shadow looms over the city and breaths depression onto it's victims. Before Preston died I heard ppl say weather can be depressing and I really thought, "Get over it" it's your choice how you feel. But it was easy for me to make that choice to be happy despite the weather because there was nothing that so easily crippled my emotion.

(I promise you, keep reading and you will find this doesn't end in a puddle of depression)

Monday I woke up, peaked outside my (tacky) mini blinds and questioned whether or not I had slept until dusk, it was dark, dismal and rainy. My always smiling boys, quickly informed me that it was indeed morning, they were much of my sunshine this day!

I felt like I had this cloak of sadness around me, and I couldn't shake it off, it came quite against my will, like a swaddled baby, desperate for escape (at least my babies were that way!) I hate hate hate hate these days, I get them every so often since the accident and wish I could sleep through them instead of fight through them. They are SO not me or so not who I want to be, I'm a happy person, I'm crazy and charismatic and fun, not depressed and sad and without smiles! Maybe you can relate, there are days when you feel you can get out of "the mood" and others when it's wrapped so tightly around you there is no chance of escape.

So on these days I must accept this is the day the Lord has made and decide how I will survive and fight through them. I chose God, I'd be dumb not too. And the way I see it, at the end of my day do I want to say I was better for today or worse than before? God always makes it better. Always.

Sometimes I think God allows these days because if we choose to we can learn A TON through them.

I began to journal what I was thankful for, my boys, my friends, my family, my cute new dress (ha ha i'm kidding).... but what kept running through my mind was that which anchors my soul.

God is in control.

God is sovereign over it all, my good days and my bad days. Death and life.

John Piper says it well in his book "A sweet and bitter providence" (Amazing so amazing)

"The painful things that come into our lives are not described by God as accidental or as out of his control. This would be NO comfort. That God cannot stop a germ or a car or a bullet or a demon is NOT good news; it is not the news of the Bible. GOD CAN. And ten thousand times he does. But when he doesn't he has his reasons. And in Christ Jesus they are all loving"

What a confidence to have. To know that God is entirely in control of everything, and he works for MY good and ultimately his glory. All that God is anchors my soul.

And part of my downer of a day is that I am honestly not super happy, I have happy moments but overall i'm just not happy, it is mainly the single parenting that is really difficult and exhausting and the lack of relief that doesn't come is daunting and then just my situation in general. This is a super super hard thing to even say, I want people to see that I'm happy, even when I'm not because I hate putting a damper on life or being that girl who carries so much sorrow around no one can stand talking to her! I'll be honest if we're able to sit and talk about my day, but I'll rarely say I'm terrible, even if I am, why sadden your day?

BUT...whoohoo there is good here.

Happiness IS fleeting, but the joy in the Lord is eternal.

A truth we've all heard, but it's really making an impact right now. I can find happiness in this life, for sure. I can manipulate my circumstances and often my bank account to make me happy, but like so many of you have come to realize, those spurts of happiness never lasts and then we're onto finding the next thing. So being anchored in the joy of the Lord is powerful beyond measure. It's like eating a good healthy meal vs filling up on empty carbs like doritos (although i do love them:) The healthy meal is going to keep you going. God is gracious, he loves us immensely and he blesses us with moments, times and even seasons of happiness, but because happiness is not rooted in him it won't last or sustain our soul... I'm going for the soul sustainer!

So there you have it. One totally crappy day, but two pivotal things that my life is anchored in: God is in control of all it ALL. And my joy is found in the Lord. I can weep all I want, I can have endless rainy days, I can sway this way and that way emotionally but bottom line is that I have God's joy and that makes it better.

Beautiful Moments

2010-03-16T23:42:00.000-07:00

We have acted like dorks...alot

We have been fishing and caught... a reed

We are super adorable!

We made precious memories

We all had some really cranky moments

And even felt a little bewildered at times

We celebrated Jakes 3rd Birthday!

And enjoyed the beauty of spring

But the most priceless moment of all is the love we share everyday

These boys are my sunshine, their laughter is contagious and their smiles breathtaking.

One day they will grow up and have smelly feet, hairy faces and their friends will be cooler than me, but for now I'm trying to soak up every priceless moment I can and not take any for granted.

I'm learning how to balance being mommy and everything else I am or want to be,

but trying to focus on being here NOW, and loving my boys with all that is in me,

picking them up when they fall, holding them when they are afraid, telling them silly stories and dancing like a monkey on a daily basis (they looove to dance).

I will try with all that I am to build their character so they can be the men God created them to be, and teach them all I know about the God who loves them endlessly and unconditionally

We may have lost an enormous part of us, but our life is not empty,

Our pain has opened up new opportunities to see God's grace and feel his love and comfort in ways I never imagined

God is my rock, the source of my joy and my strength through each tomorrow

I have more joy than ever before since this journey began and I am thankful for that!

Struggling....

2010-03-02T01:37:00.000-08:00

I am so not the person who enjoys in any way to write that I'm not doing so good.... I hate it actually, but I know those of you who read this for the most part care about me and I need you to keep praying for me!

There are countless times in our life when we're feeling an emotional heap of this and that and thinking what is going on in this crazy mind, I get annoyed with myself in moments like this, trying to sort and process it all. And asking myself, how long will I stay here for, what is God teaching me through all this... But in my experience God has always turned those moments into lessons and I've been able to look back and see beauty created out of a jumble of feelings and those are the moments that have made me who I am today. But right now, I'm kind of in the middle of a deep down time... of wondering what the heck God is doing in my life... what is he trying to teach me? Is my purpose to solely stay at home with my boys? what about all my dreams and goals? (slightly selfish) I'm in a fog and it's difficult, really difficult to see through the other side, oh wait seeing the future is impossible, dang it.

Church captured a sweet moment yesterday and I really felt the Lord tugging at my heart. Pastor Jim said one simple statement that dropped me to my knees. He said, "Your number one goal should be to serve Jesus" hmmm.... so true, and I've heard it a million times, but when God wants to etch a truth into your heart he will and this time he did more so than ever before. I really, really struggle adapting to being a mom, not that I'm bad at it... I love it, when I'm not with the boys I miss them terribly, but when I'm with them I question can God really use me when I'm wiping butts and making baby food? I also wish I had more time to paint or start my own business or fulfill my dreams...SO, it's a tug of war for me trying to balance what I want and love with what I want and think I'll love (I hope that came out right). But I just need to serve Jesus, wherever I am in life.

Ok! Wow... so as I was writing this I stopped to take a breather, writing your personal thoughts can be intense! I opened a tab to the "Desiring God" website and clicked on the first link that caught my eye... what I read blew me away, I didn't expect God to work this fast (and he will keep working I'm sure). I know this isn't as profound to you as it is to me, but I can't resist including you in on this experience.... i hope you keep reading, not for my glory, but for HIS, you are literally watching God work in my life. This pretty much sums up what was so incredible to me:

"...the one thing God seemed to honor and bless more than anything else, was faith. Abraham trusted God’s word. Isaac trusted God’s word. Rebekah trusted God’s word. Jacob trusted God’s word. All of them ultimately saw God’s faithfulness to his promises, despite circumstances and their own failings.
Faith-fueled peace doused the anxious fire in Joseph’s chest. “I trust you, my God,” he whispered. “Like my forefathers, I will wait for you. I have no idea what my being in an Egyptian prison has to do with your purposes. But I will keep honoring you here where you have placed me. Bring your word to pass as it seems best to you. I am yours. Use me!”

I think God's message to me is clear, trust him (through this present fog and always), and serve him with my WHOLE heart (where I am now and whatever may come). This is what is true and right, when everything around me is so unsure and unstable I need to hold TIGHTLY onto what is fact. If serving Jesus means solely raising these boys and laying my dreams to the side for now then I'll do it because I am so in love with Him and I want my life to magnify what a wonderful God He is and I can only do that if I walk where he leads.

Please pray for me and the boys for direction.... and thank him for what a faithful, real and gracious God he is! Thanks for sharing in this moment with me...

Thank you Lord for YOU, I'd be so lost without you... I trust you.

Hearts

2010-02-12T23:29:00.000-08:00

Oh Valentines day..... you suck. There I said it, I've been wanting to say it all week. It's obvious why, it's just sad. The other night as I was working on organizing my cook book I grabbed an old binder to fill with recipes torn out of magazines and out of the binder fell four pieces of paper.
One, a handmade card made by non other than Preston Newby for me for Valentines day
Two, a creative letter from me to Preston for Valentines day
Three, a homemade coupon from Preston for "an amazing dessert" (we were poor, yet creative)
Four, an apology letter from Preston,
How ironic to find these so randomly placed on such an appropriate week, the valentines letters were from our last v-day together - God, you're awesome.

There are times when I read old letters and I am thankful I could share in such a beautiful love, and other moments when I read an old letter and I fall apart.
This time, I put the letters aside to read at a time more meaningful than in front of the TV. Reading Preston's letters draw me into "us" again and I embrace each word as if he was there speaking them to me. I waited until I was in bed for the night, so I read and read and read again and lay down to sleep and then... I just burst into tears! I am not a big crier, I don't try not to cry, the tears are just difficult to come, doesn't mean I don't grieve, I just get out my emotion through journalling and talking. So I was shocked at myself, at the raw emotion that quickly began to entertain the pain I felt Sept 16th, 2008 (the day after). I lived in the moment and I cried until there were no tears left and then I fell asleep, focusing on the promise that joy comes with the morning. And it did.

And what was different is that my heart was lighter. It has been lighter for quite some time, but even more so this day. I felt as though "I remembered 'Preston' best...it was if the lifting of the sorrow removed a barrier." I don't mean to say, 'I got over it', but 'I remember him better because I have partly got over it" (inspired and quoted from 'a grief observed' CS Lewis) Memories still sting, but day by day and sometimes moment by moment the memories make me smile instead of cry, they make me laugh instead of tremble. I know I will grieve new layers of the realities of losing Preston for the rest of my life, but somehow, through God moving in ways I can't even comprehend my suffering will produce perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope (Romans 5:3).

So it is a daunting week, and feels incredibly looooong, my emotions are like a rollercoaster and my heart has cried out to the Lord (and my mother) on several occasions, but I am still growing.
   I will fight the urge to sulk,
   I will focus on what I DO have
   I will clasp my heart around my boys
   I will cling to my sweet Savior
   I will not let this week be a waste
   And I will because God IS.

I'm still going with the feeling that Valentines day sucks, but I'm not going to ignore the day, I think that would make it worse after the fact because i wouldn't be dealing with it (when I know I am capable of dealing with it) I've always loved V-day, so I'll do something fun and simple with the boys and mom (she's visiting), even if it's just eating an entire bag of lindt chocolate (my fav) and telling my babies I love them over and over again.

Retreat at the coast...

2010-02-01T15:08:00.000-08:00

...Hope...

I attended woman's retreat this weekend with my church in Cannon Beach (on the Oregon coast), I went for the day with some other girls and can I tell you how amazing it was!?!?!? I'm still on a high from it, although the morning started at 6am and i thought I was going to have to be dragged to the coast I quickly got excited for all that was to come. Thanks to my wonderful mommy for watching the boys and surviving the day!

Last year was too difficult to go to retreat because the coast was such an insanely special place for Preston and I. We went there for each anniversary, random spontaneous weekends and many day trips. The memories were just too raw, but this year I felt it ok to go....

Stephanie Fast was the speaker, she has a horrific story, but when you hear her talk it's not the story you remember it is how she radiates Jesus through every word she says. Powerful.

This past while leading up to retreat I'd been feeling alot of guilt for wanting to move on in life..not physically moving on, but mentally. Guilt for wanting to be happy when so many others are suffering, guilt that I could forget Preston (won't happen but it's weird to explain) the list really goes on... so I was journalling my heart and trying to figure out what the heck this wall was that is keeping me from moving on. Then I read "Believe" by Jennifer Silvera, best book on grief ever! She talked about the exact thing I was feeling and she labeled it: F E A R. Crap! There it is again, it's creeping back in a different form this time. I had brought my raw feelings before the Lord and he led me to read instead of playing on my phone (while nursing) and I'm so so glad I did.

I have come such a long way, I've crossed (some of) the muddy murky waters of grief and I did not want to stop on the other side just to stare (and stare some more) at where I've been! I've walked through this grief because I know there is more on the other side than just a shoreline and I wasn't about to let fear stop me from having a future, I was entirely willing to come before the Lord, naked and transparent and let him break these walls down....he's done it before why not now?

I have hope, not only eternal hope but also hope that there is life after death on earth. I do. And I want to commit to building a new life without Preston. It's scary to step into the unknown. With Preston in my life I felt secure, and comfortable. Our circumstances changed, but he was my constant, life changed, but our love didn't. Now I am without that comfort... but I have the Lord and I've always had the Lord, that will never change no matter what.

The ocean reminded me of that, as I watched the crashing waves I remembered walking that beach with Preston, I grieved the fact that we will never do that again, but I saw the same ocean I saw with him, still beautiful, and still powerful. Like God, it never changes. That is comfortable.

God just really gave it to me this weekend, gently, but so effectively. In the past year and a half He has been molding my character, he has been creating someone in me that will be able to walk into tomorrow and the next day and the next....if I fear moving on maybe I'm doubting the God of yesterday and forgetting all the monuments he has established in my life, all that he has done. Why would he stop walking with me into the unknown? The character God has been molding in me refuses not to move on.

With a God who works like that I am confident I can walk into an unknown future without Preston (that is something I once never imagined saying). I don't know what's ahead, I'll have to deal with that as it comes, but for now I will try my best to embrace each moment he gives me. Letting the Lord teach me through those moments and trusting that the life God has for me is full of possibilities and adventure.

As Jacob tells me, "you can do it mommy, just keep trying!" I did not choose this pain, but I will choose new life.

wow... that was freeing.

"Blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD, whose confidence is in him.

He will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out it's roots by the stream.

It does not fear when heat comes, It's leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought.

And never fails to bear fruit" ~ Jeremiah 17:7-8

Home again...

2010-01-21T22:24:00.000-08:00

We are home again! We were in BC for Christmas and New Years and everything in between and after, we were there for awhile! But it was such a blessing have the help of my family. And they let me sleep in once in awhile which is awesome. I got to visit with alot of wonderful friends and played the wii for the first time! I know it's been out forever and I just played, but seriously... I love it! I am slightly competitive, but mostly I just want to have fun and I definitely did that!

We have traveled so much since the accident, so Jake is a well versed traveler. But since the event of that awful man who attempted to blow up a plane, but blew up his family jewels instead airport security coming into the states is appalling. First they searched every single item we had in our carry ons which wasn't too many because you are only allowed one carry on each, but still when you have two under two it's tedious. Then we were ushered into a roped off area for passengers bound to the US, but they don't tell you that you're roped off from the rest of airport civilization until you attempt to get out and are met by a security guard - which obviously happened to us! I was like, "how do you get out!?" and the security guard said with such distaste that we were trapped until our plane was ready to go. When it was time we were led by the security guards, followed by one RCMP (which translated in American = Police officer) Can you say CRAZY!!! Thankfully the kids did well and the flights were great.

Coming home is never great, but it had been getting easier and less emotional. However.... this time while we were walking to get our bags and passing through the area where family and friends waits to greet their loved ones tears stung my eyes. To the left a couple in a tight embrace, to the right an intact family greeting their daddy. I walked faster and faster, my mind flooding with memories. Whenever I had come back from a trip Preston was there to welcome me home, and he always came with flowers in hand - gerber daisies or roses. And then of course came the wonderful hug that I can still feel... and the drive home was sweet too, always so much to talk about after a trip and an exciting night ahead being together as a family again.

So you can see what was weighing on my heart.

We got our bags and waited for Laurel, my cousin, to pick us up. And guess what? She got me flowers!!! And more specifically, gerber daisies. Isn't God absolutely amazing!!! Only he could have orchestrated such an amazing event. I was like "Laurel, you have no idea how much this means." She knows I was thankful, but she'll never know how much it meant. She also brought us other treats to refresh us. That set the mood for the night and coming home was actually enjoyable, wow that is a first!! And even greater is the reminder the Lord gave me that he is so very much in control, I've been slacking a little in my time with him, but he never forgets me... what a lesson.

Ok in other news, an update on the boys! Micah is cute as ever, sweetest boy during the day, and a nightmare at night. He still wakes at least 5 times and he's nine months! I'm just praying it ends soon. He's crawling up a storm and into everything! Jake is turning into such a little boy. He says the cutest things! Last week he was riding his (fake) pony and I said, "Jake, you're a cowboy!" he looks at me and is like, "mommy, I a horsey boy!" like duh mom, I'm on a horse! But the saddest thing came tonight... he's said this once before and it's a reminder that although he may forget the memories he's had with Preston, the grief he'll experience is only beginning. We were with some good friends tonight and the dad was playing with his boys and Jake, and he LOVED it, I think he's quite fond of this guy and thinks he's alot of fun. Anyway, we're walking out and Jake sais, "Mommy, their daddy not in Heaven..." as if it's as normal as noticing a I wear earrings. It really makes my heart break, I think so often that I can get through this, but why do they have to be without a daddy?

Jake also struggles alot with fears, his current fears are angels (there is a long story to this one) and shadows, oh and occasionally monsters. I know this is normal toddler stuff, but it's been the same thing for a month now, so if anyone has any tips on how they helped their fear ridden toddler let me know! I am starting to read a bible story with him right before bed so that's the last thing on his mind... I'm just praying about it alot and hoping it goes away because I know fear can be crippling (yes even if you're two) and I know even more that God is SO much bigger than any fear we have.

Oh and one prayer request, we have a woman's retreat coming up and my mom is going to come down to help out so I can go for the day, but I'm totally nervous! I'm only going for like 16hrs, but that seems like forever!!! Especially leaving Micah, Jake I'm like hey he's fine!! But sweet Micah needs his mama! I'm still nursing so I need him too (ha ha) but leaving before they wake and coming home after they go to bed... I don't want to do it, but I do... so pray I'll have peace.

Just sitting here...

2010-01-13T23:07:00.001-08:00

Well, I am just sitting here, I should be sleeping, but Jake went to bed super late tonight - note to self, NEVER give a two year old a chocolate cupcake for dessert; and I need some Tara time, i can't ever sleep until I write or read.

I love to write, never have I realized how healing it is for me. I still have my dorky journals from third grade. The teacher always made us write about our day, what we were doing or going to do. I'm not sure if she realized that third graders didn't have that much going on, or maybe it was just me, so my friend and I, on a regular basis made crazy crazy things up about our daily adventures - I think I didn't consider it lying because it was so funny (bad moral lesson I know...) My teacher never fell for our schemes, as the pages of my journal are packed with comments like, "oh really?!" or "did you tell your mother about that one?" Nevertheless, I'm glad they made us journal from an early age, not only have the pages of my journals stored incredible memories, and every weekly crush I had in school, but they also hold deep lessons that I have learned throughout the years.

I am writing a book, a book about the love and life that Preston and I shared. I don't know if it is something that will be publishable, they might just write me back with a big sticky note saying, "Try writing childrens books instead" on it, but at least my children can see the legacy and life that their father left behind. My goal to have the book done is fall of 2O10, not published by then, just finished on my end. Maybe if I tell you I'll be more motivated to finish! I'm thinking of taking some writing classes, a friend did and said it was awesome. I don't want my book to be just another book about the lessons of grief, although some of that is inevitable, so as i write I'm trusting that God will lead and direct my words and make it into something beautiful and useful.

The writing process is so amazing to me. As I write each part of our life together I grieve that time. For a moment I get to relive the past, although it's not half as good as the real thing i consider it a gift to be absorbed in memories for even just a little while. When I think of Preston ever day i remember such a faint part of such a detailed picture. So when I write I remember little things, invaluable things like fondue night, or how we celebrated the arrival of my green card, or how I felt when I saw him walk through the door each day.

Maybe this is a gift more to myself than to my boys... hmm...

I am also realizing through looking at our past, that there are certain areas of our life that I haven't dealt with, areas that I didn't do so good in and things that I should change, or areas that i'm a little bitter about (ew I hate bitterness) and on a good note, there are areas where I totally stunk at something but I don't anymore and it's amazing to see the growth.

As I step into each journey we walked and then step out, I am able to say goodbye to Preston and Tara. Not goodbye like, so long, fairwell, I hope I never see you again, but goodbye enough to cherish the memories instead of desperately wishing I was there instead of here. I am embracing the past and allowing God to mold me through it so that I can somehow have a healthy and hopefully happy future. It's hearbreaking, incredible, surreal, beautiful and a whole mix of emotion to write "our story" but I think in years to come I'll be so glad I took this walk and wrote all I did....

Ok, enough about me! Has journaling been healing for you?

email

2010-01-03T00:18:00.002-08:00

I was randomly checking my old email account, and I came across a "Preston" folder. I had kept every single email that Preston had ever written me. While I read through a few of them I was captivated... by his love for me, my love for him... and while it was extremely painful to read I was really just so thankful that we had such a wonderful relationship. I had to share two emails... one from before we were married and one after...

Engaged

Tara,

Wow.... so much to say.... I'm trying to figure out where to start....You are incredible!! Every little thing you do.... i love!! I love you so much.... everytime i see a picture of you... or hear your voice.... my eyes tear up.... not that you're ugly.... he he..... it's the fact that i'm a thousand miles away from the greatest person in the world..... the one person that i love more than anyone else.... i want to be with you soo bad!! i miss you so much it makes me sick!! i can't think about that too long....

what a Godsend you are!!! So indescribable!! Words cannot describe the love i have for you!! I would without hesitation give my life for you..... gosh..... i can't get you off my mind!!! i love it!!!! everyone around me is probably tired of me going on and on about tara..... the most incredible woman in the world..... and she loves me!!!!! and i love her!!!!! how can i complain about anything? God has already granted me the greatest gift possible in life here on earth.....that is you!!!!!

I hold on so tight to every word you speak, or write!!! Every time.... i find myself not breathing until i've completed a paragraph, or a sentence ( i can't hold my breath very well ) .... you are perfect for me Tara!! I love every single thing you do, from every giggle to every sound to every sarcastic remark to every time you open your heart and your passions to me...... oh wow!!!! how great it is to be loved by you!! (isn't that a song)

I love you with all of my heart Tara!!! I want to be with you everywhere you go...... (i know... kinda like a stalker... he he) i'm excited for what is to come in the next year!!! so excited!!! Tara.... keep God first in all that you do!!! His love is so much deeper and wider and higher than mine could ever be!!!! He is the reason we live..... He is our joy!!!!

With undying love, Your soul-mate!!!

Married

Subject: you are so dear to me!

Tara,

No, you're not a deer, but you are dear to me.... he he... that was a good one!? Anyways, I really miss you! You are such a wonderful woman... I love your heart Tara, I know that you want to serve God and you want to live for Him.... Thank you for your willingness to work full-time right now...I can't wait until I can take that burden off of your shoulders!

Know that I love you more than words could ever express! You are God's gift and grace to me in this life...

You are my fire baby! I love you with everything in me!

With undying love, Preston F.U.L

F.U.L - it means, Forever undying love, ya ya, kind of cheesy, but we had read in a book that this couple had a saying like that that they left all over the house for one another to find... on notes in shoes, on the toilet paper roll (ha ha) on mirrors, on the bed etc you get the point. It was just a way of saying, I'm thinking of you and I love you with all of my heart. It melted my heart each time I found a note from Preston with F.U.L.... forever undying love - it has so much more meaning now that he is gone. God knew, even then and he directed us, even in our cheesy romantic ways.

Christmas

2009-12-29T22:57:00.001-08:00

Micah is Such a happy baby!

Adorable outfits!

Snuggling and reading with Grandma!

To eat or not to eat? he ate!

C U T E!

Sister love

Precious picture: Jake putting his Daddy's "1st Xmas ornament" up

We were beyond blessed to have a great Christmas. I think back to last year and how everything Christmas - "intact families," Christmas trees, Christmas music, Christmas movies just tore at me. This year was still sad, but the pain didn't ripple through me like it did last year. Time really does help, it doesn't make the pain vanish (dang it) but my spirit is much more calm. I know I will always carry some form of pain, but time and the Lord working change it and maybe even soften the pain.

Christmas was fairly undramatic, I wasn't super emotional, and not really uppity either, I kind of just was, if that makes sense. I really enjoyed watching the boys and participating in all the festivities, i even decorated my house and listened to Christmas music with joy. However, that shadow looms, the one that reminds me how very surreal that Preston will never interact with his boys on Christmas morning, he will never put together their toys, he'll never help me choose their gifts or buy me jewelry on Christmas eve (our tradition) or eat my oh so yummy almond roca (once I discover how to make it ha). I don't imagine my mind will ever wrap itself around the idea that physical Preston is our past... it just seems so.. so... wrong.

My family spoiled Jake and Micah, I bought them a few presents, my parents bought them a dozen! But that's what grandparents and aunts and uncles are for right? kidding... :)

It always seems the presents I think Jake will like (the little piano or buzz light year) pale in comparison with the 2$ m&m holder he got, go figure, I could have saved alot of money. Micah likes everything, he loves, loves people and for that reason hates to sleep. When I am rocking him or nursing him at night and he hears Jake's voice, that sweet little head of his turns sharply to the door. It is incredible to watch them together, even now at such a young age. Micah just learned to crawl - watch out cupboards! and he attempts to follow jake and play with whatever he is playing with, so precious! My prayer for them is that they truly will become best friends and that a bond will grow between them that is like no other.

Jake is saying things every hour it seems that are priceless!! We have been talking alot about the reason for Christmas - Jesus' birth and he always follows with, "you bewieve in Jesus, you go to Heaven! He loves to sing Jingle Bells (his favorite part being "HEY!") and twinkle twinkle little star.

Please keep us in your prayers, a friend told me she was praying for us in these ways and I thought they were perfect, if you remember to pray for just one I'll be entirely thankful:

that the Lord will comfort my heart and take as much of the heartache away as possible.

that the Lord will give me a great sense of meaning and purpose in my life.

that the Lord will use my life in a powerful way for His Kingdom.

that He will give me wisdom for everything I have to face, esp. with the boys.

that the boys will walk with the Lord like Preston did.

that people will surround me with physical and emotional support - a big thing for me.

And now I'm going to sleep! Why do I always manage to stay up until midnight every single night!?!? I know Micah will wake up in the night and at exactly 8am every morning and yet I still go to bed late!

Trust...

2009-12-23T23:29:00.000-08:00

(written a few days before Christmas - our Christmas was good, I'll post that later)

"There's a peace I've come to know

Though my heart and flesh may fail

There's an anchor for my soul

I can say, "It is Well"

Jesus has overcome and the grave is overwhelmed....

I will rise when he calls my name, no more sorrow, no more pain...

There's a day that's drawing near when this darkness breaks to light

& the shadows disappear and MY FAITH SHALL BE MY EYES"

Chris Tomlin - I will rise

Um, hello!! I cannot wait for my faith to be my eyes! It's so hard to believe Preston has now confirmed what his faith told him all along.... I'm jealous, but one day...one day, I too shall see. H O P E

Tonight I am a little broken, ok alot broken. I am overwhelmed by life... my goodness, it's Christmas, and I L O V E Christmas. But it was a tiring mommy day and I have alot of people on my mind tonight. I have been hearing alot of deep pain around, death, cancer, loneliness... and alot of people say, "God I just don't understand WHY has "this" or "that" happened?!! And I cannot hear someone say that without my heart breaking for them because I have asked that too.... and I'm still on that journey, I understand the why. As my friend Andrew says, "It would be nice if God were more democratic and let us have a vote!"

So I had all these thoughts racing around my mind about the "why," but what I kept stopping at was the truth that although I do not understand these "storms" I know without a doubt that God is riding these waves with me! He is here, he's never left and his presence only grows stronger as I draw nearer to him. The only thing that has ever brought lasting comfort to me is lifting my pain and my questions to God and trusting Him - nothing else we can do will bring comfort or peace like trusting in the one who has allowed that situation in our lives - leaving it to the only one who is in control of it all.

I have seen God in every direction I look. I trust God because I have SEEN him so faithful in my life. What I mean is that I see the effects of God; like the wind, you cannot see the wind, but you see the effects of it. Not once have I called on the Lord and not found Him, not once have I cried and not been comforted by him. Not once have I spent time with the Lord and not walked away a little more refreshed.

But I want you to know that trust for me hasn't meant lifting my situation before the Lord and walking away with a smile on my face. It usually means I've cried until my face was blotchy. I've written or declared an angry letter to God or maybe I've pounded my fists into a pillow until the feathers dusted the ground AND THEN after I've worked through whatever the moment was I read the Bible and dwell earnestly on the promises God has made - knowing the facts, not living in the raw and (many a time) angry emotion. There is ALOT we don't know, much we can't understand so in times like this going back to what we do know is crucial.

This is usually where I come to:

~"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him" (rom 8:28)

~"...We also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. - romans 5:3 (hard promise but so true!)

~"I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us" - Romans 8:18

~"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." - Matthew 11:28

~"Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, theycomfort me." psalm 23

~"The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." ps 34:18

~"For his anger lasts only a moment, but his favor lasts a lifetime;

weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning" ps 30:5

What I mean is that when I focus on what I know to be true and trust God, He uses my human frailty as the clay to form something in me that will strengthen me and keep me trusting in Him alone.

So be encouraged... If you remain faithful to God during these uncertain seasons of life, you won't get all your questions answered or be in any more control of how "life" turns out, but your faith will be refined and your relationship with God deepened. If you chose to learn from your experiences, you won't ask the question, 'what was the point of all the pain, all the tears, all the fears the doubts and questions.' I know this all too well.

"I will not let this experience be wasted on me." - beth moore

Moving on....

2009-12-19T14:40:00.000-08:00

It goes without saying that I have been grieving the loss of Preston for quite some time now... it comes in waves. Sometimes I miss him terribly and other times I'm more ok with what our life is. The latter of those feelings occurs more and more as time passes, AND as I am trusting that this was the Lords plan. From before time began Preston's first breath to his last were written down. He wasn't meant to be here today (I know he's ok with that!) and because the Lord works everything out for the good of those who love him then I know that we will be ok, the God who created this universe will not leave me out to dry - he has proved that over and over and over, he has and IS taking wonderful care of us.

As I grieve and even say good bye to 'Preston and Tara' (physically speaking) my mind is intrigued by the tomorrows - this is BIG for me to say when once I could only think about living the next hour let alone the next day! I guess you would say, in some form I'm beginning to move on - NEVER forgetting, but you cannot live in the past, you will drown and probably rot - seems like a strong word but fitting. I am realizing in a big way that a good life can still exist outside of the life I once knew as good. God gave me a wonderful relationship that I will always cherish and be thankful for. He gave me two wonderful, adorable little boys from Preston and they will always remind me of their daddy. I have so much to be thankful for. Much of who Preston was has made me into who I am today and i still continue to learn and be inspired by his life and character.

I loved Preston with all of my heart and I know he did the same, how amazing to be loved and to love! So today when I was reading another "widow's" blog (I still hate that word) she took the words straight out of my mouth, I can't say it any better so I'll let her.... "since I've had a big taste of what it's like to be happy with someone else, I don't think I want to live the rest of my life without that." That is the point all the above is trying to make. I want to love again because I've tasted love and it's incredible - it has made me a better person. Maybe my destiny is to be a single mom and alone, but I pray it's not. It's hard for me to tell you these words because I fear ppl won't accept them or judge me but I feel so strongly that God is leading me on this journey and this is where I'm at now. It really doesn't matter what ppl think because this is my reality and my journey.... I just couldn't hold out on sharing my heart any longer. And please don't get me wrong, I'm not saying I'm going to date tomorrow - I'm just thinking about what the future may hold. A year ago I couldn't even imagine saying these words, no one could replace Preston. AND no one will - it would be different and yet still will be beautiful.