Monday, January 05, 2009

I'm home!

I am home in Portland! I was able to spend the month of December with my family in B.C. 
For the most part it was a great time! I absolutely loved seeing friends and family and was able to spend quality time with some of them, although not as much as I wanted to due to my super sweet snow driving skills or lack thereof!  I haven't driven in snow for SO long and I was a little nervous, ok, my dad was more afraid to let me drive his car, hey dad, I've only crashed like 5 times!  I actually felt like I was back in highschool, living with my parents and getting everyone to drive me and pick me up!  But that's ok we all have to be humbled sometimes!  

I had more time to think while I was there which was difficult. Nothing prepares you for the feelings that awaken each new day.  Emotions are unpredictable,  so you take them, place them before you, cry, hit something (ha ha) and then let your "cup" overflow into the Lord's hands.  And he is so gentle, I am often speechless in my grief, and all I can do is to ask Jesus to hold me and to remind me of his unfailing, unshakeable love. And never has he refused, it is truly a peace that passes all understanding. 

Christmas was so much better than I thought it would be! Actually I had no expectations, I've realized you can't expect anything for sure. But God gave me such an amazing peace, similar like I had on the night Preston passed away. 
Christmas eve was good, it snowed and was a winter wonderland!  We went to church service then had family over for yummy appy's (where I put on all my pregnancy weight) and games. We laughed and laughed and truly enjoyed each other.  Christmas morning was alot of fun! Jake and I both got spoiled! He was so cute, and loved opening presents, but by the end was totally overwhelmed and could care less about another gift! 
That night we went to my grandparents with the whole family and while we were there I began to miss Preston so intensely. The last time we were there, so was Preston, therefore I had those memories lurking in my mind and my cousin and his wife have two precious boys and that affected me more than I thought it would.  Then.... Jake got a super, super bad allergy to the cat!! He got a rash all over his face and arms and the poor kid couldn't stop itching!  I didn't want to chance it getting any worse so we left early.  God had to hold me that night. I had a couple other very rough moments over the course of my stay, but for the most part I was able to enjoy my family and friends, rest, and watch my little Jakester discover the wonderful mother country - he finally said the word hockey, which fulfilled all my dad's dreams!

Our trip home was eventful, as it always is with a toddler! But this time it wasn't Jake who made the adventure. We (my mom, Jake and I) were late leaving Kelowna due to de-icing the plane so we got to Seattle (where we'd connect to Portland) and after long immigration lines we got to our baggage where we discovered one piece - the one full of Jake's things (of course!) was missing! So after discovering it was taken off due to a heavy plane (apparently ppl ate too much over Christmas!) it was still in Kelowna and would follow us home later. By this time Jake had fallen asleep in his stroller, just in time to go through security!!! They made me wake him up, ugh! Poor kid was so mad, but seconds later became mommy's little energizer bunny! We ended up missing our connection and got on a later flight, where Jake decided it was time to FILL his diaper with the stinkiest poop ever - oh the poor girl next to us! I was so relieved to be greeted by Kristin and her precious baby girl, Susannah in Portland! 

Well it is a new year and for the first time in my life I actually care.  I am trying to face our new reality that is life without Preston.  I am beginning to plan how I will move on and discover who we are without him.  I want to turn our memories with him into treasures and cherish them rather than constantly dwell on what we don't have. Accept the present, learn from the past and let God mold me as I walk into my future.  The only way I can do this effectively is with the strength of God, I believe all that Jesus can do for my life, but I still need to pray what a man once said to Jesus, "I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!"  (Mark 9:23-24)


Barclee said...

i prayed for you today. just wanted to let you know.

Anonymous said...

I think and pray for you daily. You are such an encouragement to many. I love your honesty regarding your feelings. Your children have one AMAZING mother!

ashleyalvina said...

love to hear you.

Leanne Marie said...

Tara you are amazing, even though I am pretty sure there are days you do not feel amazing you are. You are right God is so tender and compassionate, and I love that He holds you. Keep letting him hold you. I know for me the only way I make it through the fertility journey somedays is because Jesus has held me from start to finish, and is still holding me!

Love you my dear!


Anonymous said...

Hey Tara,

I am sorry I missed you when you where here!!!!! Maybe next time, life can be so buisy sometimes. I really love reading your blog and I want to wish you all the best in 2009. You are an amazing woman and a great mother. I hope the next time you are home that we can get together. All the best, and all my love to you and your family..... Ashala

Kristin said...

I love you Buddy! Glad you're back in Portland! Your new blog layout is hot, just like you!
Midnight grocery shopping with you has never been better than it was yesterday... Maybe I will make us hats for our next trip....
Do check out "My Utmost" for 1/4... it reminded me of you...

Crystal Klassen said...

Thank you for sharing. You are in my prayers. Glad to hear you are home safe and sound. Keep leaning on the Lord and He will provide all your needs.