Life is moving.... Quickly!!!

Wow, I get engaged and bam i stink at blogging! I have totally legitimate excuses though, i promise:)
Let's sum it up:
We're selling two houses, buying a third, raising two wild, yet wonderful little boys and learning how to do it as two parents instead of just one (which rocks!) maintaining relationships with family and friends and plan a wedding! All really wonderful things, but well... it's alot to juggle.

We're getting married on June 17th, which is fathers day. (Three weeks away!!!!!!)
We just chose the day randomly, but later realized it's fathers day! I think i know what we'll get Kev.... how does a whole family sound?! What a gift! But it's a gift for us too, on Fathers day, My heavenly Father and my earthly father will give me away (again:) to the new daddy of my boys:) It's all just so incredible to me.
It is a very small wedding, which is very difficult not inviting ALL those you love, but we had to keep it small, one for the smaller venue, and two because it's the boys day too and my eldest doesn't do well at all with large crowds, especially with ppl he doesn't see very often. He isn't a cheek pincher kind of kid;) So we're just praying ppl understand our choice and love us anyway! The boys are SOOO excited to get a new daddy, now they say, they have three dads! God, Preston and Kevin:)
We're having a rooftop wedding! It overlooks a lake, so beautiful! We chose such an amazing location sober didn't have to feel we had to decorate a ton, if u know me u know I love to decorate but I didn't want to make the wedding a show, it's a celebration of a very huge and important commitment and we wanted that to b the focus.

I think about my life today and all I can really say is thank you God!! His blessings are the sweetest, he wants more than just ok for us, and he will show us that if we walk closely with Him.
Although life is great, It can b easy to complain about the small things, the day to say things, parenting is still hard, ( 5 is a great age, 3, not so much!) but I think I have a different perspective because of losing Preston. I know that I love much deeper. And I appreciate things far more! I try to treasure moments more because I know how a moment can become a memory so fast and often times a memory u wish u appreciated a little more.
After u lose someone I think it's safe to say you see life through different lenses. Life Sloooooooows down. You stop and see The bigger picture more, u value the little things more, u see things u didn't see before, and your mind isn't wondering what the future has in store as often. I am more content then I ever have been. And I know I can say I was even before I met Kevin but yea he adds a whole new dimension that is nothing short of fabulous.
I know he is Gods best for me so if u are single or a single parent dont ever settle because u are lonely, wait on God and in his perfect timing he will bring along that one he picked for just you.
It was soo hard for me to imagine anyone loving me and my kids. Especially if they weren't his flesh and blood, one friend who is a step parent told me he will never love my kids as much as he will love his own biological kids. And now I think that is such a lie, with God u can love deeper than u ever imagined. And as I watch Kevin's affection for the boys I know that is true, he constantly blows me away through his words and actions.
How he loves them!! He will call them his sons and they will call him their daddy, a dad is not always blood.

They think the world of him, they wrestle with him and do man stuff and he reads them bible stories. They always are quick to inform me - when I am telling them to slow it down or stop being so rough - that I just don't understand man stuff (jake pulls that one)! Kevin was away all week working 14hr days so I told them that when Kevin comes back we have to take it easy on him and let him rest but jake says, "mom, no, he will b fine, he is so tough!"
Please don't think we have forgotten Preston. We talk about him almost everyday. Micah is still trying to figure out the difference between God the Father and Preston his father haha but they know and will always know how awesome Preston was.

I am just in awe that God brought me two wonderful men who love Jesus! My absolute favorite thing about Kevin is that he is a praying man. That man prays with me all the time, he knows exactly where to go when things get hard, when we need to say thanks, and when we just don't know what to do. There is a huge amount of confidence in that for me. When u know God is first in your mans life, well That tells me a whole lot about his character and how our life will go.
I can depend on Kevin, because he depends on God.
It's a huge deal becoming a new dad and husband, I pray for my man everyday, and I am so excited for our new adventures and our future as a family!
I'll make sure I post wedding pics:)

Engaged!!!

I'M ENGANGED!!!!!!....... No wait..... I'M ENGAGED!!!!!!!!!!

Seriously. 

I can't spell that word right. I don't know what it is, i don't spell the word often, but when i do.... I usually do it wrong. Like when I text all my friends that we were ENGANGED. I'm sure they assumed it was auto correct. They were wrong. 

So get to the story already Tara!!!

Kevin and I had obviously talked about getting married, i think we knew fairly fast into 'us' that we could see a future. 

Actually, I knew on the first date. 

To quickly catch you up: a mutual friend had introduced us, we started talking on fb, talked on the phone and four days later met in person:) 

I really really liked Kevin from the emails and the four hour long phone calls, but you just never know! What if that chemistry just isn't there face to face?

So in the car on the way to meet him for coffee I started to fear.... i almost turned around. It can't go wrong if I don't go right? I just don't want to get close to someone and be vulnerable, and put yourself out there and expose your children if it all turns to shambles in a few months. 

I was listening to  'Jesus Culture' - your love never fails. And one of the lines is: "There maybe pain in the night but joy comes in the morning" I felt like the Lord was so clearly saying, Tara, this is your morning!!!!!!! And I had that peace wash over me, that peace that passes all understanding. Then the bridge of the song says, "You make all things work together for my good" (romans 8:28)  God was saying it again, "Tara, this is the good I worked out for you!! Go enjoy the gift I have for you!" And kevin has been a HUGE gift in our lives. God knows exactly what he is doing.

Bottom line: I SO clearly felt this was from God, He was behind this, and before it. So i went with peace, and alot of excitement. Ok and still a bit of nervousness. ANd we had the BEST date!!! Such instant chemistry and I just had a very strong feeling that this would be my last first date. 

So last Saturday Kev and I went on a date, actually it didn't start off like a typical, romantic, hey you're getting engaged kind of date - thanks to me. We went to superstore first, because that's what you do when you have no kids. Grocery shop. You take advantage of every second you don't have two little (precious) boys in your cart.  Hey i had no idea that Kevin had better plans:) 

We had already eaten dinner so the plan was to go for a nice dessert.  however in this town there is no where to go for a nice dessert. (oh i miss you papa haydns) so we did what we did at the end of our first date, we went to coldstone and got ice cream:)  then we stopped at a secluded look out over the beautiful lake. We ate our ice cream and talked, laughed and were just ourselves. i think eating ice cream in a car, feet on the dash and not in a fancy restaurant is so much more us, you can be yourselves, let loose and laugh as loud as you want :-)

We got out of the car and the air was chilly, but  the moon was bold and bright,  the stars were just peaking out through the clouds and the waves were splashing the rocks below. Me and Kevin, and Gods incredible creation, perfect.

He wrapped his arms around me. 

We snuggled. 

We kissed. 

We talked. 

We shivered. no wait, i shivered. 

And then he said something sweet and 

He got down on one knee.....

And you want to know what I did?

I was so shocked (because honestly i didn't expect it THIS night) 

I told him to.... shut up!!!

Let me re hash it for you: 

tara: shut up!! no way!!! Get outta here!!! KEVIN!!! 

Oh yes I did. 

I'm just glad he never took me literally. See he knows me well. 

Kevin: Tara, you are the most amazing blessing in my life....... 

And the sad thing is, i don't remember what else he said, but i do remember this: 

Tara, will you marry me?

YES!

There was no hesitation. I was over the moon. This was real and this was awesome.

When he put the ring on my finger I could see in the moonlight it was not a tiny rock, I'm ok with that;)  He did good girls. He did good! I like sparkle, the bigger the better and he took me quite literally. What a great man.

He designed the ring from scratch, drew a picture and had it waxed, then put into gold. I have never worn something so beautiful in all my life. 

The boys are super excited! I told them the next morning and MIcah was like, cool! now let's play spiderman! Jake jumped up and down a bit and smiled alot. They kind of already knew it was coming too:) Precious moment was when i heard jake tell Kev, "i'm so glad you're going to marry my mommy!" And he has been asking questions about what Kevin will get to do with us once we're married. I can't wait!!!!!!!!!!

To be blessed with a man who I trust with my kids. A man who has no lazy bone is his body, A man who makes me laugh.

A man who loves my kids as his own and takes his role with us very seriously. 

Becoming a new dad is a HUGE responsibility, a father is held responsible for alot and he knows this. And to see him know this and still embrace us and want to lead these boys through life with me, teaching and guiding them,  enjoying them and loving them and preparing them to go out into the world overwhelms me to tears.  He is soo intentional and loving with them and with me, life is sweet with Kevin.  

We're planning a short engagement, so listen for wedding bells this summer...sometime, somewhere, in this world.

Thanks for all your well wishes and prayers and sweet words. i am so thankful for all the love and support we have had. 

A crafty post!

Two posts in one day, this is a big deal! 
But Can I tell you how excited I am to write a crafty post? 
I have thought about starting another blog jsut for this reason, especially after discovering pinterest! Oh my! didn't just saying that word make you a little excited? Although I am a little bummed that pinterest is so huge now, i'ts like a giant city rather than a cute little village or farmers market. I was on there awhile before everyone else discovered how great it was. It's still great..... just bigger (for lack of a better word so late at night!).


This last Christmas I was trying to think of a present for my friends baby girl, she is the most precious little baby and I just adore her. I wanted to make her and her mommy something very special that represented this time in their life. I thought and and i thought and finally the last day before I had to send this package to them I got an idea. I really think my best ideas come at the last minute. 
I collect a few things, sewing hoops being one of them! You can pick them up for pennies at the thrift store. 

But always check to make sure the two pieces, the outside and the inside fit together tightly. 

I also love silhouettes! There is something so sweet about the outline of a face, gives a different feel than a real picture. So this is what i came up with for little Lyric (love the name!) An outline of her sweet little head - you gotta love those pigtails. I wish I had taken a picture without my hand and with all the extra fabric trimmed but I didn't, end of story;) My perfectionism is gonna have to suck it up. 

 How I did this was super easy, just a little time consuming! And you don't need any expensive machine:) I first took the picture of Lyric to the website www.picnik.com and followed the directions from HERE to make the silhouette. Picnik is closing in April so if you want to make one get on it now if you don't have photoshop which does the same trick just at a much more complicated rate. 


Then I printed it off on fabric using freezer paper. YOu can buy freezer paper in the same section at the grocery store where you buy tinfoil and parchment paper. It almost feels like wax paper but I assure you it has much more skill.  
Cut a piece of freezer paper to 8.5″ x 11″. Then cut a piece of nice quality cotton fabric to the same size. Iron the freezer paper to the fabric onto the waxy side. I put a thin towel over the project as I was ironing. This sticks the two together and adds a stiffness to the fabric which allows you to send it through the printer. Then make sure you put it into the printer the right way so it prints onto the fabric side and not the freezer paper! 


Print it off, peel back the freezer paper and voila! you're project is almost done! I was soo impressed with how this turned out. But it is not water proof so if you get any water on it it will smudge. Not so good for tshirts, totally fine for a wall hanging! Although you can buy ink that is waterproof:) 


Last step was just putting it into the sewing hoop and trimming the edges! I adore Lyric and her mommy and thought this was a great gift. Thankfully she did too:) If you want one and don't want to attempt this yourself, i do have extra hoops, just send me a message and we can make something 
beautiful together... ok that sounded really wrong, let's make umm. beautiful crafts together:)

Well sweet dreams, this girl is finally off to bed! 

Oh life is beautiful!

My heart is full. My joy is overflowing and life really is beautiful. 

I don't want to sit here and brag, it's hard to write about happiness when ppl i know and love are going through.... hell on earth. Thankfully the bad things on this earth are as close to hell as a Christian will ever come. But it doesn't make our hearts ache any less. So I write with a hope that if you are facing some of the worst moments in your life know that there is hope and God will bring you out of your pit. That we can be sure of. The timing is not certain but his love is. 

Yesterday Kevin and I took the boys snowshoeing! We didn't think too much about the decision because it would have been really easy to convince ourselves out of taking a 4 and a 2 year old snowshoeing. However we had a great time!!! Definitely some meltdowns, but overall a really fun day. Kev carried Micah in the backback as we thought we would hate snowshoeing had we let him try (next year little buddy). He did however walk for a whole km by himself:) We just did 3km, with Jake walking the whole thing! 

two minutes in.... uh oh

So Beautiful

Although we did ALOT of encouraging and motivating! And as we were nearing the end of our hike Jake falls into the snow for the 20th time and says he can't go on anymore. It was slightly humorous as  he was almost at the finish line! So Kev and I took the opportunity to shower him with life lessons. "See Jake, this is alot like life,  it can be hard but when you finish it is rewarding and you will be so thankful for the rough times because it made you stronger, on this occasion your muscles and endurance:) We asked him what reward he got at the end of snowshoeing (it was hard to get past the donut and hot chocolate we promised him) and we had to dig before he finally said he was proud of himself, but i think we talked his ear off enough that he got our point haha.  

YES life can be hard! I know this too well, but if we quit right before the finish line, what joy is there in that? What reward or feeling of accomplishment? What does that say about your trust in God? "I have fought the GOOD fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith." - 2 Timothy 4:7 There is a reason it's called the "good fight" it's worth every hard and painful moment and thankfully we don't have to walk it alone. 

Ok i love that i just turned that into a teachable moment... you know you're a mom when.....! haha

My amazing parents watched the kids so Kevin and I could have date night after snowshoeing:) We're not married, but when there are kids in the relationship you need to work that much harder to have nights just for the two of you. And we're able to do that at least twice a month if not more, thanks to our awesome parents! 

It was one of those dates where you just fall more in love, head over heals crazy for each other kind of love. I didn't want the night to end. And the funny thing is that it wasn't even a date where we did anything super spectacular. Isn't it that way? the dates you don't plan are always the greatest? 

I feel that having kids has made me appreciate Kevin and date nights all the more, we don't take each other for granted that's for sure.  We went for dinner, had terrible service but we were able to laugh about it instead of get totally annoyed (always a good thing), then we drove through the Ford dealerships - yes we're that exciting:) Kevin has a love for Fords, we like to dream and joke around as he drools and i laugh at how he knows every single detail about every truck. Kind of like my kneen knowledge of decor on tv. I can watch most shows and tell you where they got this wall art from or that coffee table from.... is that sad? i dunno, i'm kind of proud.

Then we rolled home (after eating too much) and just hung out, then went out again and got a milkshake - because we could - no kids sleeping at home, this is a big deal for parents who are forced home everynight haha. The whole night we just talked and laughed alot.  Preston made me laugh and I didn't think I would ever find that again but God is good and I did. Kevin makes me roll with laughter, he brings me so much happiness. To be drenched in mourning then to be singing with joy and so much laughter is a beautiful gift. God is good. I know i am sharing the great moments of Kev and I, but of course it's not always easy, it's a huge adjustment for everyone and there have been hard moments but not red flag hard, worth it hard:) 

Some of what I love about Kevin is how he loves Jesus more than us and because of that he is able to love us so well, he constantly puts us before himself and always strives to show us and tell us how much he loves each of us. He is not just dating me, he knows I am a packaged deal:) 

He is such a great example to the boys, that is something you look for in a man when you have kids or even if you don't maybe that's a good thing to think about! Can my boys look up to him? Is he someone they will want to model their lives after? And he is very much that.  They adore him, micah calls him Pevin, "I miss my Pevin" and Jake wants to copy everything Kevin does. Kevin tells the boys, "We don't cry over the small things" so during the day Jake tells Micah the same thing, even when he hits his little brother, "now micah, stop crying over the small things!" well Jake.... that is a big thing... so we're working on what small and big things are haha 

Kevin prays with us and with me. He doesn't take this relationship or this role with the boys lightly. He is trusting and seeking God through it because it's not always smiles and laughter, as every parent out there knows! I'm so thankful for a man who seeks the Lord and how that shows in his daily life. It has been so awesome as well to see how God brought us together. To hear Kevin's history and story and how God led him to us is nothing short of a miracle, what he has learned through his life has helped him understand some of what I have gone through. He came into our lives at the most perfect time. God's timing is more than perfect, and in retrospect we always see that. 

It is in these monuments, when we see how faithful God is, how he walks with us, loves us and comforts us through the pain and then bring us up and out of our pits and into joy... these are the monuments we treasure and that help us know and trust God through every other hardship we will face in life. 

Anyway I think I have talked enough. I love talking about Kevin, i really do, I know it's so mushy, but it's real, and I'm so thankful for all of you who have loved and supported us over the years! And who still love me despite my disappearing act (aka i'm always with Kevin)!! 

Florida

Written yesterday

I just arrived in fort Myers Florida! It was snowing back home so I think ill survive with 80degree temps for a few days:) Though my starch white skin may not.

I'm speaking at a life insurance conference. It's such a privilege to do this. It is still healing knowing that I am helping people, encouraging and motivating them to speak to their clients about the need for life insurance.
I flew alot of hours today. But honestly I love to fly. Ok I don't like getting up at 4am or going through security, the stinky (love that word) plane, the grumpy ppl or the germs I can hear being coughed into the air.

But I love the time i have. When I fly I know I am going to meet with God (not literally, I like my planes in the air thank u:) but I know I will find God because I am looking for Him. He is always there.
My bible opened, journal opened, waiting, waiting for the words, the lesson(s) he will show me, the Grace he Bestows upon me and the humility i know i Will discover. It's a privilege to sit before God. To seek Him is an honor, it's not a chore.
I feel close to God when I fly. Walking in the airport I drift past the magazine store, they aren't bad but ya gotta admit, they distract. They take me away from discovering what god has for me, the greater joy that I know is there. Although God did create Martha Stewart :) and I do read magazines, but not today, not at the airport.
I want to b filled with the right things, I am craving more.
I am also reminded that I can have this alone time with God anywhere (after the babes are in bed or out) but I have to take that time too.
I look out the plane window, just after 7am, which to me is the most beautiful time of day. The clouds float below, we rise above. The sunrise in the distance, coral colored beauty teasing the tops of the clouds, daylight is coming.

And what catches my eye most of all is the moon, dangling without a care. Crescent shaped, just a sliver of a greater thing. And I am reminded that what I will experience of the Lord today is only a sliver of his greatness, of his glory. And yet that is all I need to fill and overflow this girl.
What love to let us experience him, to fill us with himself, with a joy that surpasses all joy.
Let yourself seek Him, ask for Him, and wait in expectation as u spend time with him.
Beg to see his blessings, beg to see the face of God through your day. Let him have his way with you.
And let the words you read be a reflection of the life you live today.

You never know who God will lead you to, when u open your eyes to him he will always give u clearer Lenses to see a greater need than yourself.
(coming from experience)

Well I'm off to hunt for alligators! (I actually really Want to see one!)

One of those days....

I write it in my journal for the fourth or fifth time: 


"JOY: it is most difficult to find joy for me in the everyday life." 


What is joy anyway? - rejoicing, gladness, enjoyment, bliss - to celebrate. 


The Bible talks alot about joy over and over,  joy only comes from God. Joy is different than happiness because happiness is an emotion, joy is truth that can (but doesn't always) become emotion. Joy is so entangled in God that you could say joy is God and God is joy.
Joy is/can be constant whereas happiness is not. 


Yet It is a constant battle for me. It always has been. It's easy when you have something to look forward to, when you can keep looking forward to the next "happy" time. When you know you will get a break from the "everyday." But when it is just day to day stuff dealing with people, for me, little people and doing stuff..... finding joy can be a battle. 
Doing the dishes, making food, cleaning toilets, making beds, doing laundry, folding laundry..... it can so easily be actions...and mundane and can easily make anyone grumpy!


Today was just, "one of those days." The boys were a lot of work today and I know it is these days that are opportunities for some of my biggest times of growing, but today I just wanted to crawl back into bed and sleep and grow another day! Alas we had to go grocery shopping. As we pulled in and I stopped the car, I just stared, you know that stare right? The I am so so tired, and tired of kids who aren't obeying stare, the stare that says, my fridge is almost empty so I absolutely have to open my car door and walk into that store but everything else in me wants to drive home and sink beneath my covers and catch up on the sleep i am obviously missing?!!? Yes that stare. 


I prayed for strength. Then i turned around and told the boys how they were to behave and 1 1/2 hrs later we were back in the car. The boys did awesome. i actually felt a little refreshed.

Then we came home and dinner brought me back to that hard place.  No one wanted to sit on their bottoms, no one wanted to eat all their food. So I pulled the oldest trick in the book. I sent them to bed. 6:20 and both boys were sound asleep.  

After preston died I always said that I had to fight for joy.

 I did. 

And I won. 

I won because of this one simple yet profound promise: 

"Draw near to God and he will draw near to you" - James 4:8

I clung to God with everything in me, He was all I wanted.  I fought for joy because I knew it was my survival to get through the day. I asked God for joy, I knew he was capable of giving it and I opened myself up to him to work in my heart so i could see the joy around me. 

Today looks different, I am dating a man so great.... so soooo great. A man who captures my attention, my heart and all the love I can muster. Life is more than i ever imagined. I am more content than i ever have been. I don't feel I need anything else. Anything else would just be icing on the cake. And that is the first time in my life I have ever been able to say that. 

I am so thankful. 

God's gift of my boys and Kevin gives me joy but I still live the everyday, I still do all the same things I did before Kevin, and it is there in the "doing" that I find joy hardest to find. 

Before Kev, I craved him. I craved that other person to help me and walk through life with and now praise God, I have him. I remember wondering ok so tara, God gives you a man and then what? life is just perfect? What will my relationship with God look like? Often when we finally get an answered prayer it is easy to step back from God, not away, not far away, just back a little.... bc we feel maybe we don't need him as often, maybe we're busier with our answered prayer - that you know, He gave. I never would want that. I prayed that I would always crave God above all else because I have worshiped man before and it's not fulfilling. And I think God is really really teaching me in a huge way what it means to need him everyday: when life is great. 

I know how to cling to God when life is hard, but when life is good... I didn't do such a good job at it before preston died, and after he died I had an excuse as to why i was having a bad day, oh i am grieving, oh I am a single mom. I have been given a second chance when life is good and I am not going to waste it.

On days like today I think about three things...

1. I think getting JOY starts with thankfulness and being thankful is praying and pretty sure that's a key to life. Thankfulness for big things but also little details, seeing God in the little details of our day.  I looked and found these details all day long today, it doesn't take away from my disobedient children haha, I wish it did!  but it does add joy where I was not seeing joy before. And when you are constantly in prayer you are far more likely to pray when those around you are driving you crazy and not act in anger. 

2. I am also thankful for my salvation. Salvation isn't something I can give myself, it was a gift from God through Jesus that I totally didn't deserve. It was by His grace that I was saved. 

And this thought is so helpful remembering that gift and that this is not all about me. I am not the center of my universe (as much as society tells me otherwise) Salvation is God's so it is about Him. And the irony that the world doesn't know is that when God is magnified and we aren't Joy results. I find joy when I remember my name is written in Heaven. 

3. I find joy in knowing that God is working in my life, even though I don't see how he can mold me and grow me some days through the "doing" in my day, if I allow him to work he will and I can rejoice and find joy in what he is and will do through the everyday.  And just a side note, when you do see God working write it down, then when you are struggling you can look back at your monuments and remember He is faithful. 

"You will seek me and find me, when you seek me^(C) with all your heart. I will be found by you, declares the LORD" - Jeremiah 29:13

So, bad mommy day. But I still found joy and I am thankful for that. Joy doesn't always mean a huge smile on your face, sometimes it's just peace in knowing that God is in the everyday. Finding Joy brings me closer to God, helps to lighten my mind, my mood.... my heart. And it magnifies God because he is the giver of all the little details I'm thankful for. 

Hope you can find joy in the everyday!

For all you crafters out there:)

You know those moments throughout the day or at that moment at the end of the day when you just feel your little world, as great or not so great as it is, has completely exhausted you and you just want to collapse right where you're standing and sleep for a week? But alas, you can't because you are not done being a mommy for the day or you have a pretty little mess awaiting you or ( you fill in the blank)? I felt like that tonight. 

I told the boys it's time for bed so upstairs we ran - yes you read that right, I have two boys:) They had a bath, infused with glow sticks. And I don't know if it was the excitement of the glow sticks, the short nap they had today or the jawbreaker they licked for over an hour, (yummy) but their energy levels were no where near coming down.  I let them play for a little while longer while I sat on the floor and watched them race back and forth and back and forth, all while they are laughing hysterically over the fact that they are chasing one another, ps I love brothers. 

Well, It all ended when I smelled something burning and after I raced downstairs to make sure the christmas lights weren't burning (they weren't) I put my sniffer into action and smelled light sockets, nightlights, I smelled dirty pants (mmm), something still smelled like it was burning, but what!? 

Then I saw it.... 

a little smoke rising from the lamp on the nightstand between the boys bed, and a tiny rubber tire resting ontop of the lightbulb, innocently being burned bc a child was curious. I took a deep breath and pulled that melting tire off that light bulb. I looked into the faces of my boys, and the one who cannot lie, my eldest, was staring at me in complete repentance, "I'm so sorry mommy! I didn't know what would happen!" Well at least he was sorry, I lectured him and told him he almost burnt the house down (hey shock factor is a part of parenting right?) and he said he would never do it again! He was actually pretty cute, it would have been impossible to get really mad. Well, down came the energy, phew! I love them soo much and I am so thankful they had fun (aside from the burning tire;), I just couldn't keep up tonight!

I read them a story, sang, prayed with them and then sluggered downstairs to my awaiting mess of Christmas decor, that i had zero motivation to put up.

I resorted instead to doing one of my most favorite things, talking to Kevin (on the phone). Kevin is wonderful, he makes me laugh, he brings me endless joy and he is the biggest reason why I don't get too much done at night anymore. And I am becoming more and more ok with that - the not getting anything done part. I clean and get some things done when he isn't around, but when it comes time to talk to Kevin or for him to come here, everything else is put on hold. How many times do you really get to fall in love? I say soak it up! 

I have been enjoying every cuddle, and every sweet moment, and I smile until my cheeks hurt. Why not? Kev is easy to love, & we have a blast together. He is such a good good man. I am blessed to know him and even more blessed to be able to love him and be loved by him! 

But I get little done while falling madly in love with this man. I have been trying not to live my life as a hamster, running as fast as my legs can carry me on that little wheel (aka life) and it's hard. I run my own little business SEEN HERE and that is soo much fun, but takes priority after my boys and Kevin and is doing really well by the way - thank you to all those who have supported me! And I like to dip my fingers into crafts, art, writing, decorating, creative kid stuff! I always have some project going, always have someone I need and want to catch up with and then there are the LISTS, I am obsessed with lists, how does anyone get anything done without them? So then I have the things my lists remind me to do, the things that I have to do but would rather not, like pay bills, fix burnt out light bulbs (still on the list), set up this account, call that company, wash the dishes, do the laundry, dry cleaning (on the list for a year now) praise the Lord I don't have a pet (see one more reason you shouldn't have a pet:) I wish I was an animal lover, wait no i dont'...i just wish I was so I didnt' shudder when a dog licks me:P 


I think we convince ourselves we really need to do this or that or get such and such done if we want to succeed (not talking about bills and that type stuff) and we feel we failed if our mental to do list isn't completed by days end but I think alot of that is in our heads, I think that just maybe we put too much on our plates, i know I do! 

If I see a good craft I usually convince myself I have to make it! It's like my brain wont' stop thinking about it until I do. BUT.... in the big picture it's just going to stress me out more if I put it before doing something i really should be doing. (are you non crafters laughing at how i see craft projects as a vital part of life? laugh away haha i know you got your crutch too lol) 
So I realized if I'm going to spend my free time in the evenings with Kevin then i have to be alot more choosy about what I do when I have that little bit of free time without him there and lately it has been spent doing my bible studies (instead of crafts), which is pretty sweet too. 

I think this is called prioritizing :-) Apparently I'm still learning.

So I am trying my best to SLOW down, enjoy my boys more, enjoy Kevin and not stress about NOT doing EVERYTHING i think i should be doing.  I think we could all use a little slower pace of life, soak up every moment you can with your kids, with your special someone, pay those bills but don't stress if your house isn't perfect when you have company (telling myself that too) or if you haven't checked off everything on your list as you slip into bed, I think both you and I will be thankful we snuggled on the couch, played with our kids, read a good book or had coffee with a friend instead of finishing that Christmas wreath (my next project lol) or making the house spotless. 

As Kevin so graciously told me tonight, "Tara, you're mess will still be there in the morning, don't worry about it:)" ha ha exactly. Anyway... dating Kevin has caused me to learn alot, but today I am very grateful for the "slowing down and just enjoying part. I'm embracing the things that really matter and I am less anxious and I'm pretty sure that's a good thing for everyone close to me (unless you are my mom or my sister who helps me tidy up alot more now!!)

Brokenness

While I fall deeply into love, while I am swept off my feet by a man so wonderful, so great.  Chaos storms around us, not directly affecting us but our community. In the past month and a half four lives, all kids under the age of 19 have been swept into death and the cloud that covers this town is heavy. 

Death is all over the news in our towns, in our country, in our world. Isn't life so surreal? One falls in love, one dies, one marries, one buries a loved one? It's too much to think about some days, the journey of our lives, the laughter, the blessings, the joys, and then the valleys of loss, pain, sadness, and deep sorrow.

I dont' mean to dampen the mood of "love in the air" because it is soo there and trust me I have no doubt there will be more love posts! Kevin is incredible, he's hard to resist sharing about. But I do find it hard to only speak of love, as if to say when my pain ceases so does everyone elses. My fb pet peeve is insensitivity.

Life is going really well for me, but I still gaze into a painful world, a world full of brokenness. We can try to gaze beyond the brokenness, try and wear lenses that block it all out. Smile even though we're torn by all we see. The brokeness can fill our homes, we can't escape it, our families are torn by the cracks and the baggage of this world. It's easy when you watch the pain of others on the news, you can turn that off but to actually realize there is so much brokenness just outside your door and that it effects you and calls you to do something about it, or I suppose ignore it until you no longer can is a very big deal. 

I look around me and see the families of loved ones taken by death in unbearable pain, a friend cries herself to sleep over an ex that has ripped her world apart. I see a single mother barely holding on. I see the arrows of painful words pierce another friend. I see betrayal and lies and gossip. Some of that stuff is centered on selfishness, but some of it is the fact that we live in world littered with imperfect ppl doing imperfect things (aka sin). 

I am reading the book, "A thousand Gifts" by Ann Voskamp and wow, it is such a good read! A hard read though, but soo worth it!! And by hard I mean she doesnt' sugar coat a thing, says it just like it is, so by hard I mean great, life changing:) 

She describes humans so well: 

"We are hungry. We eat. We are filled...... and emptied" (because we eat the wrong things, the things that don't really fill us)

We crave something more than this brokenness. We crave LOVE so we find a compatible partner. We crave acceptance so we make sure we're accepted (I know, that was a deep one) We crave beauty so we dress the role, we wear beauty. We crave control so we find a way to be in control of something (just ask my strata president:) We can find love, we can find beauty and control but it wont' heal us, it will only help for a little while.


We try to fix what is broken, but we use glue that doesn't hold and definitely doesn't heal.  I am a crafter, I know glue doesn't hold as well as it claims. Spray glue, wood glue, gorilla glue, it's not all the same and none of it holds forever, just ask the pumpkins I tried to stack:) But you know what glue I mean...the stuff we use as bandaids to cover our brokenness. We all want a world not torn by evil, isn't peace the ultimate dream?

It's easy to find yourself at the end of the day, when the make-up is off, the friends are gone for the night, the fun is over for the day and we lay in our beds and our hearts are still left craving more, we can have a good day and still crave more. 

I think it is our hearts that are the real problem, our hearts have holes, our souls have holes, they need to be fixed if we are to live the way we were made to live... maybe I'm preaching to the choir, but just maybe one of you can't sing;) 


Our hearts, our souls, whatever you call it. The part of us that craves MORE. What if we fix the root of the problem rather than trying to decorate the branches? 


Even for Christians, the days I am craving something more are the days I filled myself with everything BUT Jesus. I fill myself with him and I am satisfied, everytime.

"In this world you will have trouble, but take heart, I HAVE OVERCOME THE WORLD" How did Jesus overcome the world? 


WITH LOVE

He overcame this broken messed up world so that our hearts could be fixed and that we can have a relationship with God, so that when we find ourselves feeling emptiness, and craving something more we find HIM and we are satisfied and crave no longer, He is enough. 

Even as Christians we may have the right foods in front of us but we don't always choose to eat the "God foods" which are the foods that heals, restores and fills until we are satisfied. 


We will constantly b disappointed if we search for the ultimate satisfaction in the things this world has to offer.

So if you are human. If you live in this world you see the brokenness and now you know, if you didn't already, that there is a healer, there is hope and there is beauty beyond the devastation. We were made for more, but our souls are lost, they r dislodged from their ultimate purpose, that purpose being found in Jesus' death and resurrection.  


I have craved alot in this life, but nothing satisfies like God, He is the one who fills that emptiness. there is No escaping the pain and the ruin, being a Christian doesn't mean life is fixed, but there is one who can save your soul from it's own ruin and restore you to what you were meant to be, bc there is only one who can complete you. And trust me when you are filled with Jesus your journey will be one of beauty, no matter what happens along the way. 
The beauty of feeling empty is that it opens us to the opportunity to b filled.


Grasp the immense love of God and soak in it. Let the love that Jesus showed at the cross rain down over your life, and soak in his grace, let him take your brokeness and your pain FROM living in a broken world and let his love penetrate your life. Choose Jesus and let him show you just who He is.