Remembering our Engagement

Being "kids" on lover lane at BBC

Typical conversation :)

Our first date - look how young we were!! (18)

Today is a day that many remember the sacrifices of members of the armed forces and of civilians in times of war, and we should... they are stronger than I! But today I also remember the day that Preston and I got engaged. It was a crisp late fall day when Preston and I decided to step into the rest of our lives together. Two journeys colliding into what we believed would be Preston and Tara - forever. The memories of that day are sweet, they are innocent and blushing with an extreme passion known only as true love.

Preston and I were attending Briercrest Bible College at the time and were into our second year. We were going on a date to the "big" city of Regina - whoo hoo! (i hear the laughs) and we went to our favorite restaurant Montana's - we ate more than our tummies should handle, have you ever experienced their mile high mud pie? YUM! That night we did. Then I asked Preston if we could go dancing... not clubbing. Just me and him under the stars with our favorite band playing... he looked at me and said, "Well Tara, that was already in the plans" (yay!) Leave it to me to ruin the surprise! So we went downtown to the river by the parliament buildings. He pushed play and we met on the rivershore, Switchfoot began to sing 'our' song - On Fire and we danced. Nothing fancy - I think it was more like hugging and gliding back and forth - hey we had to keep warm:) Preston is noticably quiet. Then he steps back and puts his hand in his pocket and I'm like oh my gosh, he's going to pop the question - weird he's not on one knee...maybe he doesn't know he's supposed to! but I really didn't care. Then he pulls out my thumb ring i had been wearing at dinner and says, "I gotcha!" What! we laughed - that was us and he was so dang nervous i think he just wanted to have a practice run! Then a second later he gets down on one knee cause he really was that smart and after he pulls out the real ring says, "Tara I would be honored if you would be my wife, will you marry me?" YES! We kissed and hugged and got so excited at our new future. Then we raced back to school. I ran onto my hall and was greeted by the lovely ladies of whit 2 who joyfully did the "someone's engaged scream (there is a certain girly scream that announces it to all) and we drank Christian wine - bubbly apple cider stuff with our friends in the beloved whit foyer. We didn't sleep much that night;)

But today these memories are also bitter and what was once so wonderful stings so deep. The future that we once thought we had captured as our life together was suddenly (and without our permission!) taken from our hands. And our dreams could be no more.

I am not weeping solely bitter tears, they are mixed with the sweetness and love that we did share. The kisses, the morning snuggles the long talks, growing up together.... I cherish those moments but it is so so so painful to have the daily moments with Preston replaced with silence. I MISS YOU. I know that we were blessed with an incredible and passionate love - God knew our time was short, and He is gracious. It is just the pain of realizing that OUR journey together is finished - hard words to even think about.

It is often very difficult not to be envious of the friends who married when we did but who are still growing in their relationship and adding to their families. But the truth is really like it is every time I have a time of great sorrow, that I cannot remain here...sometimes I really want to... it seems easier to sulk and feel sorry for yourself then to call on the Lord and work through (emphasis the word WORK) this moment. I will try and cherish the memories and even relive them step by step in my mind and then I will begin again to move on in my new journey.... it is in these moments I feel the Lord's grace fall like rain - this is a good place to begin tomorrow.

Halloween Adventures

Here are our Halloween adventures...

Micah was quite obviously a pumpkin!

Jake was a dragon but he thought he was a dinosaur!

Here we all are! I was the paper bag princess

(if you haven't heard of it... it's an awesome book my Robert Munsch)

We went trick or treating! Jake LOVED It

The Dragon and his princess

Posing as a scarecrow.... love this kid!

Decorating cookies... in our underwear, i mean not all of us...

The day mommy went out...

Micah pulled himself up!!! 6 1/2 months

Life is g o o d!

Can I actually say life is good? It has the temptation to feel wrong, but I can't live there. Life has been better than ever since the accident...that's something to be thankful for - IT DOES GET BETTER - words I never imagined I'd say. Moving into a new house really helped, I grieved the fact that Preston would not be moving on with us.... I grieved it deeply and for an entire month (you're like really tara, did you honestly count?) so I'm happy to say I've accepted that sad fact and can "move on" from there. The center of living life without Preston is realizing that to some degree you must say good bye to "Preston and Tara." Preston was my future and now he is just my past?!?! The words cut me like a knife. Every single day God helps me get through this, I don't think I'll ever fully get over it nor do I want to, but he is leading me to a healthy form of living with such a reality. The really bad days are fewer.

One thing that really helps me is knowing that Preston would want me to move on and keep living in a healthy way. He is happy and he knows that the journey ends with all of us together again. I am pretty positive he has a far clearer outlook on all of this than I do so that comforts me. He sees the bigger picture, I'm still watching it be painted...

There is one thing I have always always prayed, "God, please mold me into the girl who YOU see for me to be," It is so easy for us to pick out what we want to change... whereas God sees the whole picture and can capture areas in our life that need to be mended.

"But now, O LORD, You are our Father,We are the clay, and You our potter;And all of us are the work of Your hand." - Isaiah 64:8

And lately that area has been FEAR. I have been talking to some friends about what is generally going on in my head and more than one has said, well, it sounds like you're struggling with fear... the day to day fear, not the scared of the dark fear (but that's also up there ha ha.) I think I find it easier to trust that God is in the big things, like the fact that he allowed Preston to die, but harder to trust him in the every day things like raising my children or being on my own. I know God is my strength, the calmer of my storm and the rock of my life, BUT I fear my failure. I fear I won't be faithful, that I won't walk as closely to Him as I need to to survive this. I fear I'll cave to my "humanity," to my frailty and collapse under the heaviness that is the responsibility (loaded word) set before me. So what do I do? How Lord do I overcome this fear?

I find I am constantly giving it back to him...and I will do so until he has conquered this in my life. I fear, then I pray: I give it up to you Lord! I am trying to focus on what I know to be true, that he is my rock and that he has promised never to leave me. I have to make it a priority to meditate on His word and walk closely to him, this is always the answer. I know when I seek him with all of my heart I will find him and his ways will be my ways... so much easier to write though.

Micah is recovering really well from his surgery, he was super happy the next day and one day he'll thank me in the locker room! AND super great, he is sleeping better... I let him cry it out this week - oh my gosh is that not the hardest thing to do?!!?! I can only do it if I have a friend over to force me to sit and not go up there... I have a video monitor so I can see but not hear! Video monitors are amazing, worth every penny, then again when I started to see someone elses's child on another chanel that was creepy... invasion of privacy anyone?

So all in all life is good, our new normal is not as bad as I thought it would be and every day brings new hope and new adventures... but we still need you guys praying! I am so thankful for you all...

Micah's surgery

Micah had his surgery today! It went super well! It was just for his little man part... fixed a few things:) He couldn't eat four hours before and that was actually what I was most worried for... he doesn't understand why mommy isn't feeding him! BUT the night before he ate an entire jar of chicken and sweet potato (that was a first) and ate alot through the night (only time I was ever glad for this!) so i think it all tied him over and he only fussed for 5minutes before he went in! The doctors and nurses were amazing and thanks to my friend Ashley who babysat Jake...she ended up having five kids under four! yikes!

When he came out of surgery and woke up he was screaming histerically!! I could hear him all the way down the hall! He was shaking and redder than a tomato, but as soon as I fed him he was good... he's doped up and sleeping now!

Thanks so much for praying, I felt a tremendous peace the entire time! I held onto this verse:

"Hear my cry, O God;

Attend to my prayer.

From the end of the earth I will cry to You,

When my heart is overwhelmed;

Lead me to the rock that is higher than I." psalm 61:1-2

Sobering times...

Lately I have heard about far too many deaths or people getting severely sick, depressed people and people without work or money... seriously depressing... I asked God, as I have during several different moments this year, "why?" I asked him, "God, what do I do with all of this? Watching those you love suffer and struggle with all of life's "moments," and even those you don't know is absolutely heart wrenching! My personality tends to want to make everything better...make my family feel better, my situation better, my personal struggles better... and I have FULL confidence that God CAN help me and them conquer each of those, but it still hurts.

God didn't say we wouldn't suffer, but he said he would be there THROUGH the suffering. "Even though we walk THROUGH the valley of the shadow of DEATH we shall fear NO evil" What an amazing reminder!? THROUGH the valley my friends... we aren't ever stuck there.

Even as I write this, tears well up in my eyes as i think of the tragic stories I've just heard this week that hit SO close to home but what is even more powerful is the immense peace God is giving me at the same time - He is in control of each tragedy, each job loss, each financial struggle and each heartbreak and HE WILL work everything out for the good of those who love him.

I wanted to share with you, if you haven't already read it: Preston's blog. I am still amazed that God uses even his blog to reach my soul... if you click here, PRESTON'S BLOG and scroll down to "accidental tragedies" he writes about the same thing as I do now...

"In this world you will have trouble, but take heart I (Jesus) have overcome the world" John 16:33

I always imagine one day when we are FOREVER in eternity and if we are able to look back on our life on earth the freedom and joy that will come from knowing our present struggles really were worth the joy that is now (heaven) before us. That's why it's so important to know where you are going when you die... realizing this in hell would suck more than anything this life can dish out! I beg you, not because I have to meet some quota of sharing my faith, but because I know this to be true and have lived having a relationship with Jesus Christ and the joy that comes from glorifying God with your life is better than any "joy" this world can give. I promise you. Don't put God on your to do list... God is there and is more real than the words in front of you. CLICK

In other things... we are all settled into our new place! We LOVE it... can I tell you what an enormous blessing it is? I am all unpacked and we even had company this weekend! I still have to decorate the walls, but I'm slow at that because I am freak at "trying" to perfect it all. I have alot coming up this week and one thing in particular... Micah is having surgery, the details are not bloggable, but please pray for both of us. I know that his chance of death are very slim, but still having your precious baby go under and get operated on is something I have never experienced and something I wish his daddy were here for. I need strength and lots of prayers!

Well I should actually get something done around here.... thanks for your continued love and support I am blessed...

Yesterday

Last night I was doing my bible study ( Esther, by Beth Moore). As I was reading, a song came on in the background... I don't know the name, it is by Shawn Mcdonald and says "the sunsets, the sunrise I will not forget all that you've done for me..." and it raced me back to moments past.... Preston and I listened randomly to that song throughout our days. It wasn't a special song, we liked it, but we could take it or leave it. However, this moment this song captured my heart and pulled me back into the sweet moments of Preston and Tara. I remembered running errands with him around NE Portland... every day things that were mundane, but are now precious - so don't take even those little things for granted, thank God you have them. I wished I could put the song on repeat and just for a few moments live in yesterday.

I feel SO far away from Preston. I know that he will always be apart of Tara, Micah and Jacob, BUT what I mean is that I am drifting further and further from Preston and Tara and that is excruciatingly difficult. When you imagine your entire future with someone and then that dream becomes an impossibility and there's not a thing you can do about it..... well there are no words to even describe how crappy that is. When someone you love dies there is an obvious void, but the hardest part to accept is just that...knowing there is a void that wont' ever be filled. There are a billion things in life we can "fix" or make better, but not death.

SO THEN... I was journaling my tears and then my rage and while I was in my rage I looked over at a picture of Preston - the one where he has a thumbs up and looks so happy. I instantly thought... LOOK UP Tara... Preston would not want you to soak in this moment of anger about a reality you can't change...yes live here for a moment, but DON'T soak - look upwards, to God and the eternal perspective you so believe in. And so I did. It's really like running a nasty marathon... in my friend Shelly's words, "you feel like you're gonna die, but you just keep going and you somehow finish" and so I did...i looked to God and managed to praise him in the storm... i had to, it would be ridiculous and do nothing for me to stay there. I find the deeper I grow in my relationship with the Lord the easier these "drowning" moments are to come out of...

Pastor Jim said it perfectly today, (hit me with a punch and brought peace)

"As believers in our Lord Jesus Christ, our hope DOES NOT reside in the rescue of American ideals... or the realization of the American dream from an economic nightmare. That ship has sailed. Besides, it was a destination to Nowhere. For us, the prophet Isaiah put it well:

One day God

"Will swallow up death FOREVER.
The Sovereign LORD will wipe away the tears
from all faces;
he will remove the disgrace of his people
from all the earth.
For The LORD has spoken."

This is MY God, the God whom I put my trust and hope in - how incredible!

I'm BACK!

I have finally found my way back into the blogging world... usually I am so dang busy it's hard to find a minute here or there, but this time was different. I was hiding. I feel like "our story" has been so public, and while some may think that's really great, as "cool" as it is to have your face on a commercial or in a magazine it's also super difficult. Having to relive the story over and over was wearing on me. "Our story" has become my identity, at least for now. I think that happens alot in our life regardless the life you live. Sometimes we place "identities" on ourself or maybe our circumstances do, maybe it's good, maybe not! Ultimately we should be who God desires for us to be - he is the potter, we are the clay, and for good reason - he knows far better than we do!

In my case, I don't think this is a bad identity...just a tiring one! I know God wants me to share our story, I am so thankful that I can help people, but I think I needed to breath a little, seek God, and take a siesta from the public identity I've known for the past year. THAT SAID... I DO want God to use me and if that means sharing our story I will continue to do so.

We moved this weekend! It's so amazing. Seriously, to have a yard and more space throughout the house is HUGE! I never want to take it for granted. I felt bad even complaining about the last place cause I know there are a ton of ppl who live in smaller quarters than we did with multiple children, so I know God was gracious to give us this place. The amount of ppl that helped with the move was overwhelming in the best way possible! I am incredibly thankful for all of you helpers! Especially my mom, she is helping me and has put together a ton of new furniture and unpacked my entire kitchen... I am no handyman and to be honest have no desire to be! I stayed up until 1:30 setting up the playroom for jake, I realized he has too many toys, yikes! I created a cozy reading corner, an art center and made a music basket for him, hopefully he'll get alot of use out of it...I was so happy with it and then this morning I'm all excited for Jake to see it so I say to him, "jacob, I have your new playroom ready, do you want to see it?" He says, "no, want to eat bekfast!" I had to laugh. Typical man, stomach first. He did see it though and his sweet smile made the work all worth it!

Now I am unpacking and still praying my sweet Micah sleeps for longer than three hours at a time... jake goes one-two days a week of preschool and although he never wants to go he also doesn't want to leave! Ok... I am really having a gigantic brain fart as to what else is going on...so I'll save whatever it is for another blog!