Florida

Written yesterday

I just arrived in fort Myers Florida! It was snowing back home so I think ill survive with 80degree temps for a few days:) Though my starch white skin may not.

I'm speaking at a life insurance conference. It's such a privilege to do this. It is still healing knowing that I am helping people, encouraging and motivating them to speak to their clients about the need for life insurance.
I flew alot of hours today. But honestly I love to fly. Ok I don't like getting up at 4am or going through security, the stinky (love that word) plane, the grumpy ppl or the germs I can hear being coughed into the air.

But I love the time i have. When I fly I know I am going to meet with God (not literally, I like my planes in the air thank u:) but I know I will find God because I am looking for Him. He is always there.
My bible opened, journal opened, waiting, waiting for the words, the lesson(s) he will show me, the Grace he Bestows upon me and the humility i know i Will discover. It's a privilege to sit before God. To seek Him is an honor, it's not a chore.
I feel close to God when I fly. Walking in the airport I drift past the magazine store, they aren't bad but ya gotta admit, they distract. They take me away from discovering what god has for me, the greater joy that I know is there. Although God did create Martha Stewart :) and I do read magazines, but not today, not at the airport.
I want to b filled with the right things, I am craving more.
I am also reminded that I can have this alone time with God anywhere (after the babes are in bed or out) but I have to take that time too.
I look out the plane window, just after 7am, which to me is the most beautiful time of day. The clouds float below, we rise above. The sunrise in the distance, coral colored beauty teasing the tops of the clouds, daylight is coming.

And what catches my eye most of all is the moon, dangling without a care. Crescent shaped, just a sliver of a greater thing. And I am reminded that what I will experience of the Lord today is only a sliver of his greatness, of his glory. And yet that is all I need to fill and overflow this girl.
What love to let us experience him, to fill us with himself, with a joy that surpasses all joy.
Let yourself seek Him, ask for Him, and wait in expectation as u spend time with him.
Beg to see his blessings, beg to see the face of God through your day. Let him have his way with you.
And let the words you read be a reflection of the life you live today.

You never know who God will lead you to, when u open your eyes to him he will always give u clearer Lenses to see a greater need than yourself.
(coming from experience)

Well I'm off to hunt for alligators! (I actually really Want to see one!)

One of those days....

I write it in my journal for the fourth or fifth time: 


"JOY: it is most difficult to find joy for me in the everyday life." 


What is joy anyway? - rejoicing, gladness, enjoyment, bliss - to celebrate. 


The Bible talks alot about joy over and over,  joy only comes from God. Joy is different than happiness because happiness is an emotion, joy is truth that can (but doesn't always) become emotion. Joy is so entangled in God that you could say joy is God and God is joy.
Joy is/can be constant whereas happiness is not. 


Yet It is a constant battle for me. It always has been. It's easy when you have something to look forward to, when you can keep looking forward to the next "happy" time. When you know you will get a break from the "everyday." But when it is just day to day stuff dealing with people, for me, little people and doing stuff..... finding joy can be a battle. 
Doing the dishes, making food, cleaning toilets, making beds, doing laundry, folding laundry..... it can so easily be actions...and mundane and can easily make anyone grumpy!


Today was just, "one of those days." The boys were a lot of work today and I know it is these days that are opportunities for some of my biggest times of growing, but today I just wanted to crawl back into bed and sleep and grow another day! Alas we had to go grocery shopping. As we pulled in and I stopped the car, I just stared, you know that stare right? The I am so so tired, and tired of kids who aren't obeying stare, the stare that says, my fridge is almost empty so I absolutely have to open my car door and walk into that store but everything else in me wants to drive home and sink beneath my covers and catch up on the sleep i am obviously missing?!!? Yes that stare. 


I prayed for strength. Then i turned around and told the boys how they were to behave and 1 1/2 hrs later we were back in the car. The boys did awesome. i actually felt a little refreshed.

Then we came home and dinner brought me back to that hard place.  No one wanted to sit on their bottoms, no one wanted to eat all their food. So I pulled the oldest trick in the book. I sent them to bed. 6:20 and both boys were sound asleep.  

After preston died I always said that I had to fight for joy.

 I did. 

And I won. 

I won because of this one simple yet profound promise: 

"Draw near to God and he will draw near to you" - James 4:8

I clung to God with everything in me, He was all I wanted.  I fought for joy because I knew it was my survival to get through the day. I asked God for joy, I knew he was capable of giving it and I opened myself up to him to work in my heart so i could see the joy around me. 

Today looks different, I am dating a man so great.... so soooo great. A man who captures my attention, my heart and all the love I can muster. Life is more than i ever imagined. I am more content than i ever have been. I don't feel I need anything else. Anything else would just be icing on the cake. And that is the first time in my life I have ever been able to say that. 

I am so thankful. 

God's gift of my boys and Kevin gives me joy but I still live the everyday, I still do all the same things I did before Kevin, and it is there in the "doing" that I find joy hardest to find. 

Before Kev, I craved him. I craved that other person to help me and walk through life with and now praise God, I have him. I remember wondering ok so tara, God gives you a man and then what? life is just perfect? What will my relationship with God look like? Often when we finally get an answered prayer it is easy to step back from God, not away, not far away, just back a little.... bc we feel maybe we don't need him as often, maybe we're busier with our answered prayer - that you know, He gave. I never would want that. I prayed that I would always crave God above all else because I have worshiped man before and it's not fulfilling. And I think God is really really teaching me in a huge way what it means to need him everyday: when life is great. 

I know how to cling to God when life is hard, but when life is good... I didn't do such a good job at it before preston died, and after he died I had an excuse as to why i was having a bad day, oh i am grieving, oh I am a single mom. I have been given a second chance when life is good and I am not going to waste it.

On days like today I think about three things...

1. I think getting JOY starts with thankfulness and being thankful is praying and pretty sure that's a key to life. Thankfulness for big things but also little details, seeing God in the little details of our day.  I looked and found these details all day long today, it doesn't take away from my disobedient children haha, I wish it did!  but it does add joy where I was not seeing joy before. And when you are constantly in prayer you are far more likely to pray when those around you are driving you crazy and not act in anger. 

2. I am also thankful for my salvation. Salvation isn't something I can give myself, it was a gift from God through Jesus that I totally didn't deserve. It was by His grace that I was saved. 

And this thought is so helpful remembering that gift and that this is not all about me. I am not the center of my universe (as much as society tells me otherwise) Salvation is God's so it is about Him. And the irony that the world doesn't know is that when God is magnified and we aren't Joy results. I find joy when I remember my name is written in Heaven. 

3. I find joy in knowing that God is working in my life, even though I don't see how he can mold me and grow me some days through the "doing" in my day, if I allow him to work he will and I can rejoice and find joy in what he is and will do through the everyday.  And just a side note, when you do see God working write it down, then when you are struggling you can look back at your monuments and remember He is faithful. 

"You will seek me and find me, when you seek me^(C) with all your heart. I will be found by you, declares the LORD" - Jeremiah 29:13

So, bad mommy day. But I still found joy and I am thankful for that. Joy doesn't always mean a huge smile on your face, sometimes it's just peace in knowing that God is in the everyday. Finding Joy brings me closer to God, helps to lighten my mind, my mood.... my heart. And it magnifies God because he is the giver of all the little details I'm thankful for. 

Hope you can find joy in the everyday!

For all you crafters out there:)

You know those moments throughout the day or at that moment at the end of the day when you just feel your little world, as great or not so great as it is, has completely exhausted you and you just want to collapse right where you're standing and sleep for a week? But alas, you can't because you are not done being a mommy for the day or you have a pretty little mess awaiting you or ( you fill in the blank)? I felt like that tonight. 

I told the boys it's time for bed so upstairs we ran - yes you read that right, I have two boys:) They had a bath, infused with glow sticks. And I don't know if it was the excitement of the glow sticks, the short nap they had today or the jawbreaker they licked for over an hour, (yummy) but their energy levels were no where near coming down.  I let them play for a little while longer while I sat on the floor and watched them race back and forth and back and forth, all while they are laughing hysterically over the fact that they are chasing one another, ps I love brothers. 

Well, It all ended when I smelled something burning and after I raced downstairs to make sure the christmas lights weren't burning (they weren't) I put my sniffer into action and smelled light sockets, nightlights, I smelled dirty pants (mmm), something still smelled like it was burning, but what!? 

Then I saw it.... 

a little smoke rising from the lamp on the nightstand between the boys bed, and a tiny rubber tire resting ontop of the lightbulb, innocently being burned bc a child was curious. I took a deep breath and pulled that melting tire off that light bulb. I looked into the faces of my boys, and the one who cannot lie, my eldest, was staring at me in complete repentance, "I'm so sorry mommy! I didn't know what would happen!" Well at least he was sorry, I lectured him and told him he almost burnt the house down (hey shock factor is a part of parenting right?) and he said he would never do it again! He was actually pretty cute, it would have been impossible to get really mad. Well, down came the energy, phew! I love them soo much and I am so thankful they had fun (aside from the burning tire;), I just couldn't keep up tonight!

I read them a story, sang, prayed with them and then sluggered downstairs to my awaiting mess of Christmas decor, that i had zero motivation to put up.

I resorted instead to doing one of my most favorite things, talking to Kevin (on the phone). Kevin is wonderful, he makes me laugh, he brings me endless joy and he is the biggest reason why I don't get too much done at night anymore. And I am becoming more and more ok with that - the not getting anything done part. I clean and get some things done when he isn't around, but when it comes time to talk to Kevin or for him to come here, everything else is put on hold. How many times do you really get to fall in love? I say soak it up! 

I have been enjoying every cuddle, and every sweet moment, and I smile until my cheeks hurt. Why not? Kev is easy to love, & we have a blast together. He is such a good good man. I am blessed to know him and even more blessed to be able to love him and be loved by him! 

But I get little done while falling madly in love with this man. I have been trying not to live my life as a hamster, running as fast as my legs can carry me on that little wheel (aka life) and it's hard. I run my own little business SEEN HERE and that is soo much fun, but takes priority after my boys and Kevin and is doing really well by the way - thank you to all those who have supported me! And I like to dip my fingers into crafts, art, writing, decorating, creative kid stuff! I always have some project going, always have someone I need and want to catch up with and then there are the LISTS, I am obsessed with lists, how does anyone get anything done without them? So then I have the things my lists remind me to do, the things that I have to do but would rather not, like pay bills, fix burnt out light bulbs (still on the list), set up this account, call that company, wash the dishes, do the laundry, dry cleaning (on the list for a year now) praise the Lord I don't have a pet (see one more reason you shouldn't have a pet:) I wish I was an animal lover, wait no i dont'...i just wish I was so I didnt' shudder when a dog licks me:P 


I think we convince ourselves we really need to do this or that or get such and such done if we want to succeed (not talking about bills and that type stuff) and we feel we failed if our mental to do list isn't completed by days end but I think alot of that is in our heads, I think that just maybe we put too much on our plates, i know I do! 

If I see a good craft I usually convince myself I have to make it! It's like my brain wont' stop thinking about it until I do. BUT.... in the big picture it's just going to stress me out more if I put it before doing something i really should be doing. (are you non crafters laughing at how i see craft projects as a vital part of life? laugh away haha i know you got your crutch too lol) 
So I realized if I'm going to spend my free time in the evenings with Kevin then i have to be alot more choosy about what I do when I have that little bit of free time without him there and lately it has been spent doing my bible studies (instead of crafts), which is pretty sweet too. 

I think this is called prioritizing :-) Apparently I'm still learning.

So I am trying my best to SLOW down, enjoy my boys more, enjoy Kevin and not stress about NOT doing EVERYTHING i think i should be doing.  I think we could all use a little slower pace of life, soak up every moment you can with your kids, with your special someone, pay those bills but don't stress if your house isn't perfect when you have company (telling myself that too) or if you haven't checked off everything on your list as you slip into bed, I think both you and I will be thankful we snuggled on the couch, played with our kids, read a good book or had coffee with a friend instead of finishing that Christmas wreath (my next project lol) or making the house spotless. 

As Kevin so graciously told me tonight, "Tara, you're mess will still be there in the morning, don't worry about it:)" ha ha exactly. Anyway... dating Kevin has caused me to learn alot, but today I am very grateful for the "slowing down and just enjoying part. I'm embracing the things that really matter and I am less anxious and I'm pretty sure that's a good thing for everyone close to me (unless you are my mom or my sister who helps me tidy up alot more now!!)

Brokenness

While I fall deeply into love, while I am swept off my feet by a man so wonderful, so great.  Chaos storms around us, not directly affecting us but our community. In the past month and a half four lives, all kids under the age of 19 have been swept into death and the cloud that covers this town is heavy. 

Death is all over the news in our towns, in our country, in our world. Isn't life so surreal? One falls in love, one dies, one marries, one buries a loved one? It's too much to think about some days, the journey of our lives, the laughter, the blessings, the joys, and then the valleys of loss, pain, sadness, and deep sorrow.

I dont' mean to dampen the mood of "love in the air" because it is soo there and trust me I have no doubt there will be more love posts! Kevin is incredible, he's hard to resist sharing about. But I do find it hard to only speak of love, as if to say when my pain ceases so does everyone elses. My fb pet peeve is insensitivity.

Life is going really well for me, but I still gaze into a painful world, a world full of brokenness. We can try to gaze beyond the brokenness, try and wear lenses that block it all out. Smile even though we're torn by all we see. The brokeness can fill our homes, we can't escape it, our families are torn by the cracks and the baggage of this world. It's easy when you watch the pain of others on the news, you can turn that off but to actually realize there is so much brokenness just outside your door and that it effects you and calls you to do something about it, or I suppose ignore it until you no longer can is a very big deal. 

I look around me and see the families of loved ones taken by death in unbearable pain, a friend cries herself to sleep over an ex that has ripped her world apart. I see a single mother barely holding on. I see the arrows of painful words pierce another friend. I see betrayal and lies and gossip. Some of that stuff is centered on selfishness, but some of it is the fact that we live in world littered with imperfect ppl doing imperfect things (aka sin). 

I am reading the book, "A thousand Gifts" by Ann Voskamp and wow, it is such a good read! A hard read though, but soo worth it!! And by hard I mean she doesnt' sugar coat a thing, says it just like it is, so by hard I mean great, life changing:) 

She describes humans so well: 

"We are hungry. We eat. We are filled...... and emptied" (because we eat the wrong things, the things that don't really fill us)

We crave something more than this brokenness. We crave LOVE so we find a compatible partner. We crave acceptance so we make sure we're accepted (I know, that was a deep one) We crave beauty so we dress the role, we wear beauty. We crave control so we find a way to be in control of something (just ask my strata president:) We can find love, we can find beauty and control but it wont' heal us, it will only help for a little while.


We try to fix what is broken, but we use glue that doesn't hold and definitely doesn't heal.  I am a crafter, I know glue doesn't hold as well as it claims. Spray glue, wood glue, gorilla glue, it's not all the same and none of it holds forever, just ask the pumpkins I tried to stack:) But you know what glue I mean...the stuff we use as bandaids to cover our brokenness. We all want a world not torn by evil, isn't peace the ultimate dream?

It's easy to find yourself at the end of the day, when the make-up is off, the friends are gone for the night, the fun is over for the day and we lay in our beds and our hearts are still left craving more, we can have a good day and still crave more. 

I think it is our hearts that are the real problem, our hearts have holes, our souls have holes, they need to be fixed if we are to live the way we were made to live... maybe I'm preaching to the choir, but just maybe one of you can't sing;) 


Our hearts, our souls, whatever you call it. The part of us that craves MORE. What if we fix the root of the problem rather than trying to decorate the branches? 


Even for Christians, the days I am craving something more are the days I filled myself with everything BUT Jesus. I fill myself with him and I am satisfied, everytime.

"In this world you will have trouble, but take heart, I HAVE OVERCOME THE WORLD" How did Jesus overcome the world? 


WITH LOVE

He overcame this broken messed up world so that our hearts could be fixed and that we can have a relationship with God, so that when we find ourselves feeling emptiness, and craving something more we find HIM and we are satisfied and crave no longer, He is enough. 

Even as Christians we may have the right foods in front of us but we don't always choose to eat the "God foods" which are the foods that heals, restores and fills until we are satisfied. 


We will constantly b disappointed if we search for the ultimate satisfaction in the things this world has to offer.

So if you are human. If you live in this world you see the brokenness and now you know, if you didn't already, that there is a healer, there is hope and there is beauty beyond the devastation. We were made for more, but our souls are lost, they r dislodged from their ultimate purpose, that purpose being found in Jesus' death and resurrection.  


I have craved alot in this life, but nothing satisfies like God, He is the one who fills that emptiness. there is No escaping the pain and the ruin, being a Christian doesn't mean life is fixed, but there is one who can save your soul from it's own ruin and restore you to what you were meant to be, bc there is only one who can complete you. And trust me when you are filled with Jesus your journey will be one of beauty, no matter what happens along the way. 
The beauty of feeling empty is that it opens us to the opportunity to b filled.


Grasp the immense love of God and soak in it. Let the love that Jesus showed at the cross rain down over your life, and soak in his grace, let him take your brokeness and your pain FROM living in a broken world and let his love penetrate your life. Choose Jesus and let him show you just who He is. 

The latest:)

This was one of my last journal entrys, 

"Lately I have felt there was a spiritual battle going on in my life, like I kept hearing this voice say, "God doesn't love you that much, he wouldn't let you suffer so much if he really loved you." But I am determined to stay faithful to you Lord because I know that is a lie. Though the wind blows and the thunder crashes this house will not blow down. You are my great God. Please God, help me. Help me remain faithful through the storms, help me to feel your love. 

Lord I have desires, 

    BUT I love and I want you more. 

I don't understand your plan God, 

    BUT I trust in you, you are trustworthy

I am not going to sit around and live in the reasons I could be sad about, or dwell on what I do not have, i am going to live a full and beautiful life, me and my boys. 

I look back on the past three years and i see a girl who has seen much pain. I cry for that girl, I ache for her still. 

   BUT I will rest in Jesus, I will hope in HIM

I will pray with confidence because I know he can do ALL things, and i will wait in eager expectation for God to bring my season of dancing.  

A week later I met Kevin:) 

My friend Ed worked with him and then told me he had found the perfect man for me. I was really hesitant, and more turned it into a joke, not that I doubted Ed's matchmaking skills, but I didn't know anything about this guy. That is scary for a mom with kids, you want to know something about a guy, some of his past, be friends with his friends, know a little of his character. But Ed is a good man too, he did all the hard work for me, i had no desire to meet a guy and have to tell him my whole story, that was actually something I prayed i wouldn't have to do shall i ever meet a guy. So Ed goes onto tell me he told Kevin all about my story and even showed him the insurance video that tells our whole story! He wanted to see if this guy could handle it.  I thought that was pretty brutal, but Ed assures me he knew what he was doing!  Kevin wasn't scared away and his good reaction to it convinced me that maybe he was worth meeting. 

So as any gentleman in the 21st century would do, Kevin added me to facebook;) I found out we actually had quite a few mutual friends, so like any good mom I asked them about him and only heard great things! We talked for a few days online and really, really connected. Aside from his mad hunting skills we seemed to be a really great match;) He was hilarious, sweet, kind, loves the Lord, and is a gentleman through and through.  We talked on the phone for a few days after that, our first phone conversation was 4hrs! I haven't done that..... ever:) I hung up the phone and my heart was racing, joy filled my heart and I fell asleep smiling:) This all happened the week of the three year anniversary of Preston going home, what perfect timing God. 

We decided to meet, and ended up hanging out the entire day! We just hit it off right away:) Kevin is a gift giver, (I'm a fan) so for our first date he got me a gift that had me rolling with laughter. I really don't like hunting, though I love outdoors, but shooting an animal and gutting it makes me want to heave. Kevin, well he loves to hunt, and actually he makes it sound much better than I had previously thought, or maybe I'm just blinded by his charming good looks. But we turned the whole love/hate hunting relationship into a joke and were able to laugh about it.  So he bought me: silicone bear skin rug coasters! they are the greatest. He also bought me a nice mug to use them with them, this boy is goood. 

After that it only went up hill. Well.... aside from my children putting him through the fire, ALOT. When he met the boys they hit it off right away. Jake is usually very reserved with ppl, especially men, he clings to my leg around new ppl but when he met Kevin he was totally himself. He was more than himself he was and still is like super Jake, he just adores Kevin. He talks his ear off and really enjoys playing with him. Kevin is a big kid at heart and enjoys the boys and their toys alot, so it's a perfect match.  That is such a gift in itself. i know enough woman to know not every guy likes his woman's kids. But Kevin pursued me knowing i had them and chose to embrace them as well. 

But the boys have sure put him through the ringer! The first night we had a poopy pants incident, the second night one cute little two year old chugged water so much that he threw it all up:( and another day Micah had a tantrum that was so bad he cried and screamed, did the whole arching his back, i hate you mom kind of thing for over an hour. It was bliss. Music to our ears. And at the same time as the tantrum my dessert was not working out but I didn't want Kevin to know that my Martha Stewart skills were failing so I tried my best to hold it all together but all I really wanted to do was burst into tears. Micah finally calmed down but man..... that was a tough one. Dating with kids does not allow for sugarcoating anything, I cannot hide our imperfections, kids bring out the best and worst of us. So Kevin has seen us at our absolute worst and he is still choosing us.  He is good at reassuring me that he is hooked and isn't going anywhere:) What a good man. 

I am SO thankful for him. actually, that is an understatement. I tell God so many times throughout my day, "Seriously Lord, did you really just bless me with Kevin? THANK YOU!!!" God didn't have to, but he did. Some say I deserve someone so great, but I don't. I didn't deserve to be saved, but God is gracious and his love abounds more than my imagination can handle. God didn't have to, but he did:) And his gifts are perfect. 

Kevin makes me feel safe, I feel secure and cared for. He loves the Lord MORE than me which is a huge gift. A relationship is tough work, especially with kids lol so if he can look to God and depend on God for his strength and his wisdom and i do too, we will be just fine. 

Kevin prays with me each time we hang out, last night he prayed, "Lord help me to be a man worthy of this woman.... I cherish this woman.... please lead us and guide us..." I feel the same, not about me haha about him of course. He is a man who wants to serve, who wants to love with his whole heart and who is so dang good at it. 

He is a man that I know without a doubt Preston would think is awesome! That's a big deal. i am closing the Preston and Tara chapter on my life more than i ever have. I guess I want to make Preston proud of my choices in life and I know he would just love Kevin. i think they would actually be great friends. 

So that is my newest and greatest story! I am in awe so much, I know God has led us together so no matter what happens when God is involved there it will be ok. Which is why i feel confident telling you all this.  You can pray for us though:) We are so thankful for your prayers always! 

"God has turned my mourning into dancing:) I am so thankful for the gifts God has given! There is a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance. The season of dancing is here:) God is so good!! No matter what you are going through, put your hope in Jesus alone.

AMAZING STORY

I have always known my insurance agent Jerry Braun to be a great guy. He first met Preston when we were pregnant with Jacob and it was where he introduced us to the gift of life insurance. Usually you don't get to know your agent too well, but just two years later our lives would collide again and a friendship would grow into a lifelong relationship. 

I remember when it was time for Jerry to deliver the life insurance check to me. He met me and a friend over lunch one sunny afternoon, and I can clearly remember how his hands shook and he passed me the check over pizza in downtown portland.  It was a first for us both, my first life insurance check and his first death claim. Who knew you could bond over something so sad:) I couldn't believe this was even real yet and I was so thankful to have an agent who was so thoughtful and caring and sincere about his work. 

Over the months we developed a good friendship. The same time Micah was born Jerry and his wife also welcomed their little boy into the world! Our families were able to hang out a fair bit, Jerry is full of amazing puns that often had us rolling in laughter. We all got to go to Florida together for the REAL LIFE stories banquet in 09 and had such a great time there. 

We have stayed in touch ever since and today I got a call from Jerry who wanted to share a story with me. A client of his, let's call Frank, came into Jerry's office three years ago, right around the time of Preston's death. The man was fairly busy and didn't have alot of time to sit with Jerry and talk, but Jerry had his priorities straight. He told Frank that he couldn't sleep at night if he walked away and Jerry didn't ask him about his plans for  life insurance. He asked and was surprised to find that Frank, at age 35, father of one, didn't have any life insurance. Jerry shared our story, which was still so fresh and Frank being deeply impacted immediately chose to sign up for life insurance. 

Here is the climax of the story, two years later Frank got cancer and six months later he passed away. My heart breaks for his family who has lost someone so precious to them. But now his only daughter can go to college and is blessed with a gift that her father left her. 

Is that not incredible? Gave me chills for sure! I told Jerry I was SO proud of him for listening to his heart and sharing our story with Frank. Life insurance is really an intimidating topic to bring up with clients but it can make ALL the difference in the world. Because let's be real, 10 out of 10 of us will pass away and life insurance is one gift we can leave behind with hopefully a beautiful legacy of a life well lived. 

If you don't have life insurance, all it takes is one phone call:) It is worth it. Learn from our story and "Franks" story:) 

Hope you're all enjoying these last days of summer!!

Part 1

Life is good!! SO good! I have been seeing God working through my trials in a big way. And it has nothing to do with a guy or any other earthly form of happiness! That's a huge deal because so often we pray for something, for a significant other, a new job, a baby, new direction in life and the list goes on and on. But when the days pass and we discover that those things aren't coming our way for the time being it can be discouraging, frustrating and really cause us to either draw closer to God or walk away. 
We always hear about those people in the Bible or throughout history who remained faithful to God through their trials and I so wanted to stay faithful to God. Ya, when life got hard (again) I wanted to give up on him but I couldn't because I knew he was real. 


So last post I said how i was just trying to fill myself with Jesus everyday and it has been so amazing. And that is something anyone can do:) 
I read one of the verses that says "delight yourself in the Lord" hmmmm what does that even mean!? We can talk about the Bible all we want but if we dont' live it out, what's the use?  So i asked God to show me and throughout reading the Bible I discovered that what I think it means is to: 'Make God your prize and your goal in life because there is absolutely nothing better." So that is what I have been doing, focusing on learning and knowing God more.  And by spending good quality time with him each day and living out what I read, He becomes my greates prize.  And therefore, the more you know God the more you can TRUST him with your life, and then all the more he gives you a desire for his will for your life. 


I feel so much more whole and I can honestly say that I desire Jesus more than I desire a husband.  And let me tell you, I told God, it's hard for me to even imagine not desiring something so much. So I know that God was the one who totally transformed my heart!! I still want to get married, but now it just doesn't obsess me. And everyday I have to say like multiple times a day, "God here are my desires, my prayers etc, I give them up to you and I trust you with my life and then just REST in Jesus."


So i don't have a guy in my life, but I'm totally ok with that! God has been opening my eyes to see the blessings all around me, he has been giving me such a heart of thankfulness and joy that I could NEVER have realized on  my own. I feel so much more whole. Maybe it's because I'm doing what I was made to do. And the man who gets me one day will have a girl who doesn't need him to fulfill her, because she is already fulfilled in Christ. 


 I encourage you to remain faithful, even when you feel God has ignored or abandoned you! HE HASN'T!!! You are his treasure, he wants you to remain faithful, he LOVES you and I promise that you will feel that. There WILL be results in your waiting and in your trials, "Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart" -Ps 37. That might not be a physical blessing, maybe your faith will grow so tremendously that it will fulfill you more than anything on this earth ever could and that is the biggest prize! Trust me, it's refreshing and freeing.


  
I'm going to write another blog just under this one that is like part 2 to this one...... it's more of what is happening in my life:) 

Part 2

I took a very quick trip to portland this last week, I had to take care of a few things and I missed everyone sooo much; it was perfect timing. Sadly i didn't get to see everyone i wanted to, but there is always next time:) My amazing family watched the boys! I seriously was so happy I wanted to cry - u know those tears of joy? I am beyond thankful for all the ppl in my life, God has given me more than I could even imagine!!! So I had a great great great time and just wish Portland was closer!

I wrote this on the plane coming home. And is the continuation of part 2 to my above post:) 

As I fly back from Portland this evening, I look down and it only takes a quick scan to find the 1-5. The highway where Preston died. The highway where part of me died. The highway that shattered my world and will forever b a part of my heart.

Before my trip to Portland, I had a bad flashback, I was driving home from a friends house late at night. Suddenly my eyes became fixed on the yellow stripe that runs down the middle of the road and instantly my mind was looking at the road Preston and I drove on that fateful night. I saw myself running across the road to Preston lying there, I knelt down to his side, badly scraping my knees, and all I could see was blood, fresh wounds, and the horror of the scene before me. I actually felt some of the same emotions i did that night, which may have been the most difficult part of the flashback. And then it was over. 

I began to cry. Biting my lip and fighting back the loads of tears just waiting to come. I hate crying. I truly hate being sad. Then the song comes on, "give me Jesus" (Played at the funeral) and those tears that were waiting to come burst out. 

But on this flight back from Portland as I look down onto I-5 i didn't see the blood or the horror, i saw me and Preston driving moments before the accident. He was holding my hand, Jake was fast asleep in the backseat. We were so enjoying each other. I had just read a book about heaven and I was telling Preston all about it (I'm still blown away by this) we talked about how incredible it would b to go to heaven (that has to be God). I remember looking at him and thinking, boy how I love this man. Minutes later he was taken home into the presence of Jesus.

As I'm writing this (on the plane) my iPod is playing the song, "Only You" by David Crowder. It was a song I had played repeatedly when the accident had first happened. One of the lines is: "It's just you and me here now (God)." and I was and still am so comforted by those words. No matter what happens God will faithfully be here with me and not only is he just here, He is molding and refining my heart into a girl who is crazy about him. I wouldn't want it any other way and even though this last three years have had its fill of sad days I can honestly say that I would not have it any other way, BECAUSE of the closeness I have experienced with God.

Nothing is better than God. Our momentary happiness is nothing in comparison to the relationship you can have with God no matter what the circumstances of your life may be. 

God has lots to do in my heart yet and I know that I will still have bad days. But I am so thankful that he kept me faithful despite my wanting to give up. I have seen results within my trial. God has transformed my heart from being angry at him and feeling abandoned to craving him above anything or anyone else. And it isn't about me at all, it's about Him and the beauty, the creativity, the absolute power of Gods work in our lives. He deserves all the glory.

If he did it for me, he can do it for you! God has a vision for you, who he wants you to be in Christ and he wont' let you settle for anything less, be patient while he works, rejoice in the transformation of what he is and will do. And trust him all the way through. 

"Will I believe? Do I really dare to let God be all to me that He says he will be?" (my utmost for his highest July 9th)

"Though he brings grief, he will show compassion, so great is his unfailing love" Lamentations 3:32