What do you do in the waiting?

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I have been plotting and planning for this blog post literally for months.
I have written and rewritten it so many times. And each time I couldn't finish it, but today, oh today is the day!

I feel soo blessed with the life I have! Kevin is incredible, he has adjusted to life with a family amazingly well. The boys adore him. He has taught them to ride bikes, responsibility, how to play baseball, and what it means to be a boy - in ways I won't even begin to describe here haha
and kevin has a patience with them that i certainly dont have! patience isnt my forte....

We have learnt more than we ever anticipated! They say that a child learns more in the first five years of their life than at any other time of life. Well I would seriously like to debate that one! This last five years I have learned more about raw, real life.... I have seen many many mountain tops, and many low valleys, even been stuck in a pit or two, or twenty, but who's counting;-)

And through every single step, every moment of our lives we haven't sunk into the deep, thrashing waters.
And oh u bet u know exactly why.
J-E-S-U-S :-)
Melt my heart, I stand in awe,
MY GOD IS GREAT!!! He is real and moving in incredible ways.
Don't miss Him.

A girl from my bible study recently lost her precious baby boy.
Heart twisting... How could this happen? God knows.

Do you want to know what she first told us ladies at study? "Girls, I want you to know how great our God is" !!!!!!!
Soak that in....

You absolutely cannot make that up. Grief is flooding, it eats you, and yet she saw and felt God right in the midst of deep pain. God has and is and will continue to work in their lives , they will have scars but they will not succumb to the pain. Its unimaginable pain but you must know and trust that God meets the grieving in unreal ways. I know first hand.

God doesn't take away our pain but he meets us at every single step of the way.
He Carries us
He walks with us
and through it all he is building in us depth,

"We rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering PRODUCES endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us. (Romans 5:3-5 ESV)

All this is made through his astonishing mercy, grace and love that no one can take from us... Not even death.

Kevin and I have not endured the loss of a child.
But, we have had our own real struggle this year.
I want to share it so maybe it can encourage someone else struggling with unanswered questions.... With hopes and dreams that just aren't coming to pass like they thought they would.

Babies. Oh babies!!
We really would love to have a third child! Oh the gift of a child. Don't u ever for one second take your baby or pregnancy for granted. You have a gift that many so deeply desire.

I know I have two adorable, wonderful boys and not at all have I been ungrateful for what I have! Kevin and I would just like to have a child together.

So, pregnancy isn't happening for us but no reason why. And yes we know every tiny detail of how haha

It's been a huge year but for so many reasons we wanted to try right away, even though there was alot of stress and realistically it might have been smarter to wait. (Like I said, I'm not so patient;-)
This has been a very painful journey that I never ever expected to go through but im here, i cant ignore it is effecting me even though i have two kids. Its still disapointing every month. i try to pretend its not but it is. So i have to deal with it, not live my life around it, deal with it - work through it.

I can truly say I am glad I have experienced it so I can say to another woman, I know what it's like to live month to month just waiting and hoping.... And then hopes dashed. Oh it is no fun at all. And watching everyone around u get pregnant. It's sad. And exhausting.

So what do you do with disappointment as a Christian?

With that waiting period? With the Impatience?
You have two choices, like Job (story in the bible) tell Jesus how mad you are, how frustrated u are and how this was NOT YOUR plan... And then you turn the switch off. Sorry God I'm done here, I just don't get you.
OR like Job did, you can tell God all those same pains, and then fall at his feet, curl up in his comforting arms, and sob. He is a very BIG God, he can take our rage.

And more than anything he wants his children to be raw and honest before him... Let Him pour his love upon us, and It is then that he can work so fluidly in our lives. When we let him come in and surrender all, casting our desires before him. And if you are bad at surrendering so am I!!! (Ill explain that later) but Jesus can help u get there, abandoned before Him.

And Oh did I let him in! I know by now I am dumb not to do that. What's the point of remaining in your slump?
And It's humbling really.
Look around you, great suffering plastered on newspapers, online, next door... Around the world, those big issues like... Hungry children and nations at war, genocides, way bigger issues than my little pain at not getting what I want when I want it. And YET, HE meets us wherever we are... He picks us up so gently and speaks love over us... He gently refines and restores. Digging out all our dirt.
The big pains to the little pains. He is your deliverer.

I thought, if I got through the death of Preston I could certainly get through anything!!! Ha. Not exactly. I mean, i can get through it but it doesn't mean it isn't painful.
I'm exhausted from the rollercoaster from the last five years and yet I love the growth that can come from it. So... Onward we go, I am not a quitter.

I am soo bad at surrendering my "stuff" to God. One huge reason is one you need to hear....

I don't always trust that Gods plan is best. True sad story:-/
Do you relate?

I want to control the timing of this baby. But I just haven't been able to convince God my timing is best:-/

I was mentally and emotionally exhausted and God knew it. He brought a dear lady into my life who has helped me come before Jesus. Mama Shelley sharkey!! She prays over me, she prays for me and speaks truth into my life. Everyone can use a good dose of godly life coaching.

Look at this picture: (actually scroll down Bc I can't seem to put it in the right place here through Blogger app)

It's me and a tree. A fruit tree.
I'm fruity so it's perfect.
What was I doing staring at a tree? Well... I was remembering truth.
For every lie you hear you need to remember the truths.
God takes care of his children. He prunes us when we need it - he knows when we do, you CAN trust him.
He takes away everything that gets in the way of your relationship with him Because he knows that the road to happiness is holiness and holiness ain't gonna happen if its up to us. Let him set your feet upon the path.

If we are rooted in Christ we will not be shaken, but The tree needs to be watered, it needs to be pruned or else it will overgrow and the branches will rub together and become more susceptible to disease. And disease leads to death.

And there is no way a good father is going to let his children go. Like a good father, Jesus cuts away our bad stuff, he nourishes and strengthens, he refines and restores so that we will produce "fruit" life giving fruit.
And we have the great hope that one day,
"He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor PAIN anymore, for the former things have passed away." And he who was seated on the throne said, "Behold, I am making all things NEW (emphasis mine)" (Revelation 21:4, 5 ESV)
Did you get that?
HOPE
When all seems lost and sad and broken and oh soo frustrating you have hope!
You have JOY, from your salvation - you are free!! Hello that's a reason to rejoice in the midst of anything.

Oh and ps rejoicing in suffering doesn't mean dancing in the streets like, guess what?? life totally sucks right now but i dont care Bc Jesus is fixing it all!!!!! :-) :-) :-) while that is indeed true, that Jesus is fixing it, it's ok to be sorrowful (yet always rejoicing.) He knows your heart and he isn't for one second thinking you are bad if you are feeling sad.

Remember? He meets you where u are at and takes you to where he knows you need to be!!

Rejoicing and being thankful is a command. And for good reason, God knows that when we rejoice and give thanks we see MORE of him and less of us. And there. THERE, He teaches us.
So go to him, knowing you can trust His plans and dig deep into his word. After all it is his love letter to us.
Memorize, study, soak it in.
And PRAY PRAY PRAY
Then...... Shh wait for it....
LISTEN. he has so much to say, through scripture, through the whispers into your heart. Through analogies of trees;-)

I am in a good place today. I do believe we will have a baby, and i can hardly wait to love on it!!
I am sad it isn't happening today but I know my God is good and his plan is great. I CAN trust him. And in the mean time I have plenty to be thankful for!
One day ill sit with Jesus and we will watch the story of my life and ill see... And realize that he DID work everything out for my good.

Im excited to hear how God is working in your life! Talk and share with me if u want:-)

Grief is like an onion

In beteeen a New house, kids, renos, crocheting (funnest winter hobby) watching ' lie to me' with my hubby, and making hair clips I just haven't had time to blog!

Last week we were in Portland, the city that I love!!
Gosh I love that place.
Kevin hasn't met our Portland family yet and I desperately missed them. Desperate is an understatement.
My heart would literally ache everytime I thought about it. And Kevin was soo sweet to take time off work so we could go and visit my sweet family and friends!

The love that he showed me on this trip was Just one example but I see more everyday why God brought us together. He is above and beyond the man that I need!. Not that life is perfect as ill soon explain but my goodness, that man loves me!! I think his goal in life is to make me happy and I can't argue there:)
Isn't it sweet how much love heals? Though u do NOT need a man to discover that. Jesus' love is deeper and quenches far more of our empty places than any human on this earth.

I have been so crazy emotional the last few weeks! And I'm not even pregnant - which would give me an excuse right? because I would prefer to have one.
Have you heard that grief is like an onion? Layers keep coming off and there is always more underneath. And, each layer usually makes you cry:-/
Well I was pretty sure my onion was peeled, chopped, served and done away with, not all the sadness but the pits, the deep heavy, heart wrenching pains!
Oh. was I wrong.
The last month I was sad all the time, though life was pretty perfect. Great man, wonderful kids, lovely house - everything I wanted, needed, craved - all mine, yet the tears still made their way onto my cheeks. I know u know what I mean.
I asked myself over and over, was i being ungrateful in some area? To some extent I suppose I was. But even deeper I had an inkling that my grief was creeping up on me again, but I didn't know why. I say creeping because to be honest I don't welcome it. I hate grief. Hate should be in BOLD.

I felt like I was pulling an emotional ball and chain, twisted around my ankle. And it was getting heavier.
I was restless for God to answer me, to tell me what my heart why my heart was in turmoil.

I prayed lots and lots and God told me to wait. EVERY time I have had an emotional 'ball and chain' so to speak God always brings me through and I knew he would here. I have been here before and thanks to Jesus' sweet faithfulness I completely trusted that he would work this one out too. Never does he fail us.
I prayed these verses into my life while i waited and prayed some more.....

"Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting" - Psalm 139:23 NIV
And
"Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in your sight, O Lord, my strength, and my redeemer" - psalm 19:14 (I was so emotional i had to pray my mind wouldn't go crazy on me - it's easy to get hung up on ANYTHING when you are emotionally broken)

And I chose JOY. My heart friend Bonnie who also lost her first husband around the same time i did reminded me of this. And It worked. My joy comes first from Jesus - layed out on the cross, my sins poured upon Him, my punishment TAKEN by Him, Him who loves me so so deeply, my debt was PAID, my chains are GONE. How can that NOT bring joy?

Make Jesus your source of joy:-)

Then i felt it as the weeks wore on.... rising up and up.... The answers were coming.... So thankful!
Know what it was? Guilt. I felt guilt. Ugh. Guilt for moving on with Kevin and with life.
Then that led to realizing I still carry Preston with me alot, but not always in a good way. I can't explain that one here.

I discovered that i didn't know how to move on without bringing parts of my past with me that I should leave behind.
And then I heard what I didn't want to.

"Go to The Grave."
Ughhhh!!!!!!!
I have never visited where Preston is buried. Never.
I had my reasons and they weren't bad at all, I shouldn't have gone until I was ready.
But I felt this was where God was leading me and I knew I had to wait until I got there before He told me why.

I asked my mentor, my second mother and friend Lori, to come with me. She came the night he died and she caught many of my tears, my angry words and my hurting heart. Not that she was the only one. But I knew it had to be her to come with me.
The day we went was cloudy, but it's portland, that's like everyday. We get there and guess what? we can't find the grave!!! No joke. I am feeling pretty lame about this moment. But Preston couldn't care, im sure he would have made it into a joke. thus I have to say I didn't feel painfully bad.

Finally we found it. As we stood there, it was so evident he wasn't there. this wasn't for Preston at all. I didn't feel his presence or anything not that i thought i would, in fact it was still weird.

But I had business to finish and dang it!! I was gonna get it done! Lori asked me how it felt to be here, "Sad" I said. "weird" and then she talked and I let her talk and I loved it. As she talked I prayed God would speak through her. And he did. I love Him so much.

And God completely rescued me and softened my heavy heart. And I knew exactly how God wanted me to move on.
She said, "Tara, maybe God is trying to show you that this will always be with you, maybe your onion won't ever be finished (sounds funny, but it's true). And that it's ok to always be with you.
As she said that i really was OK with it Bc God was showing me how I would manage it.
I had been angry that I would always have triggers that brought me back to my old life - to the accident, to missing Preston etc.
I was mad that I was feeling sad when life was so happy.
It was stealing my smiles.

The verse on Prestons' grave is,

"To Live is Christ, to die is gain"

"To live is Christ..." that's it. I need to live my life and USE my past to glorify God with it (aka giving God the credit and magnifying Him) that was easy to do when I was IN the midst of my pain but when its behind you and the majority of your deep grief isnt as intense its harder bc much of u wants to move on and let the past remain there.

As i have been meeting new people and telling our story (two kids, a new husband and all just doesn't add up - i can see it in ppl's eyes when i talk, they wonder how that happened and so i tell...)
But i had been getting emotional about it - in my heart. And it was ruining my day after i talked about it. Again, anger that triggers were effecting me so much.

But standing at the grave that fell off. All I have become through this, all I am, has been Gods transforming work in my life, isn't that worth bragging about!!?

So I left the grave, after many tears and THANKING God that I even had the chance to know Preston, and all who I became through knowing him.
So since, when I have had a trigger I have just said my thanks for my past and the moment passed much quicker:-)

Lori (my other Lori) told me something that another man at church had prayed the week preston had died. He said, 'isn't it great that Preston isn't looking down on us grieving, but that he is looking up at the Father praising Him?" ummm ya, that's absolutely incredible. He wants us to move on!
And what a great life I have to move onto!! I have a husband that is crazy for me and i for him!! and boys that I'm wild about!!
A God who constantly pursues me and meets all my needs.
I only hope I can live a life worthy of Him. Living in thanks Bc of all he has done.

I hope this was encouraging knowing that God redeems and heals ALL!!!!!! Our souls but also our everyday struggles.

LIFE INSURANCE IS A GIFT

Well, I can't ever seem to motivate myself to participate in a triathlon, or a marathon, or even a walkathon, but I can do a blogathon, lots of people are participating and helping make life insurance sweep the blogging world today!
http://www.goodfinancialcents.com/life-insurance-movement/#more-24037

 I am passionate about what we're talking about today! 

Protecting the ones you love by getting LIFE INSURANCE!!

It was September 16th, 2008.
The morning after Preston was swept into eternity. Not just 8 hours ago he was beside me. Now he was forever gone, and I could hardly keep up with all that was happening.
My heart was shattered. Close friends and family were flooding the hotel we were at. I was thankful, and I was overwhelmed. Someone mentioned funeral plans, of course, of course that's the next step, but oh what a sad step.
We made some calls, my fragile heart aching the whole time.
Then I stood back, and gazed across the hotel lobby, I saw friends working on the computer making arrangements. I saw others playing with my son Jacob.  And still more people, strangers, moving on with their life, no idea mine was just ripped apart.
And then it hit me.
I. Have. Life Insurance!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I took a big breath of relief, some relief in this painful moment was priceless. I pulled a friend aside. "we had a life insurance policy! I just remembered" She rejoiced with me. I think it brought relief and joy to everyone.
A young mother, 20 something. One young child, another on the way. And a dream that Preston and I had, to stay home with our babies should anything happen to one of us.
A dream that could now become a reality. When so much was crashing down around us we had a safety net. It didn't make anything ok, or take away even an ounce of pain but it was a gift that would be felt for years to come.

Life insurance has not just been a policy, it has been a gift! A gift from Preston, his last gift to us. And what a gift it was!! To not have the stress of finances is well, priceless.
While it has been an emotionally rough and painfuljourney, I am so thankful for the impact and freedom life insurance has broughtto my boys and I.  As a parent you wantdesperately to give them a beautiful life.  I know I cannot control everything, but it’s a blessing tobe able to establish things like education funds, paying for swimming andsoccer lessons, preschool, trips to see grandparents who are far away, maintaininga reliable car, and providing a home they can call their own and even startinga savings account for my retirement. 


A life insurance policy is worth every penny. And honestly, those pennies aren't much. For us it means giving up a dinner out each month, and really that isnt' so bad when you can have family pizza, movie night at home and make some wonderful memories together! 

I know you don't think it will ever happen to you. But it will. Have you heard this one undeniable fact? 10 out of 10 of us will indeed die! I know, shocking. So your family WILL USE your policy. You may not use it to raise your family if you pass away when you are older but think about the gift it will still be at any age for your kids.  Did you know that funerals cost up to $10,000?
Do you feel my passion? do you see how vital this choice is?

As you make your final conclusions on whether life insurance is right for you, imagine this, what would your family's life look like without Life Insurance should you pass away? Really, stop and imagine.

Here’s some great resources to help YOU CHOOSE life insurance. Because i know, you're gonna do it, today:) Don't put it off another minute, insure your family and sleep well knowing you are protecting the ones you love! 

• Life Insurance Needs Calculator: www.lifehappens.org/howmuch
• Life Insurance Product Decision Guide: www.lifehappens.org/whatkind
• Life Insurance 101 Guide: www.lifehappens.org/lifeinsurance
• Insurance Agent Locator Tool: www.lifehappens.org/agentlocator

PRIZE ALERT! You can also win some AWESOME Prizes just by mentioning life insurance through a number of ways online TODAY, August 22, 2012! Click here! 

And two become ONE!

Today was a beach day!!
Just me and the boys, and I think I might have embraced every second I had with those two sweet kids. Ok, i lied, I didn't embrace that moment when Jake splashed me [twice] after I told him girls don't like to be splashed. Does irritating girls come with being a boy? I'm certain it does.
As i sat on the beach I reflected. I am in constant reflection lately. Literally, alllll the time.
1. I got married - SO GREAT, big change:)  More on that in a second!!
2. My little though not so little boy is going to start kindergarten in two weeks!
3. It will be four years since Preston has been in heaven...

Let's go back to that very very exciting #1! I GOT MARRIED!!!! Here is a glimpse into our day!

We used our iphones to do our vows, we use it for everything so why not this?! 

It truly was my dream wedding, such an incredible day. Full of huge emotional meaning, and a TON of love. It was the day we started our new life together and I really could not have asked for a sweeter day. We got married on top of a hotel rooftop overlooking a gorgeous lake. It was a smaller wedding, which we loved, although it would have been nice to see all our family and friends, but in reality you can't visit with them all. In the ceremony Kevin gave a family vow. It was so meaningful and we will place the vow in our home. He wasn't just signing up for a wife, he was signing up to be a father and leader of our home and he does it really really well. 

As you may know it's not an easy job! 

The boys also gave Kevin his first fathers day present, hotwheels, because that is what he brought them once a week while we were dating:) and a picture of Kevin and the boys on a hike, where he is leading them up a path, holding his hands and trusting that he will lead them in the right way, and i have all the faith in the world that he will. 

We did it!!!!!!!! 

We live here! well not on this golf course... but in this city:) I am so thankful for the beauty around us

A new beginning, a new chapter with much to celebrate! 

Me and my Groom, my sweet sweet husband. I have been blessed.

does this really need a caption? 

(ALL pictures were taken by http://www.steshajordan.com/ You are wonderful my friend:) 

The day was just amazing. from the first moment that Kevin and i saw each other to the last look at my sweet groom before I fell asleep for the night. I am really blessed. I knew it then and I still know it. 

The wedding day was great, everything we dreamed it would be. 

Our honeymoon was amazing as well:) 

Ok I gotta post a picture... or 2:) We went to the San Juan Islands, off the coast of Washington and stayed in a B&B

 It was so wonderful. 

Just Kevin and I, Just Kevin and I, Just kevin and I!!! Did I make my point heard?  Yes, it was so so good to have just that time with him and I. No interruptions, no time crunches, it was so sweet. My favorite memory was one night when we were going to dinner. We had asked around about where to eat and decided on a fancy seafood place on the ocean. But we got there, pulled up and both of us said, do you really want to go? (thankfully we were on the same page haha) the place was beautiful, the food I'm sure was amazing, but we just didn't feel like sitting and being all fancy and put together, and we wanted more than 5 bites of food. (I really don't get that whole pay a ton of money for a little bit of food?) So we went to the grocery store, got a bunch of food and cooked it on the beach ourselves! (see first pic below) we just had the best time. It was so peaceful, so full of love and laughter and all while watching a beautiful sunset. I'm not trying to make it more than it was. It really was so amazing, I think it had extra meaning because we are so used to having the kids around that a break like this, our first one together was priceless. And when you have lost someone so precious to you and you have that love again you do not take it for granted. not one single second do you take it for granted. 

                                      

 The Turtleback in was so beautiful. We explored a little... and had just a little bit of fun:)

 This pictures makes me laugh so hard everytime i see it. who knew Kev was so graceful?!

After the honeymoon we knew reality and life was coming, FAST and with a BIG punch. We were trying to sell both our homes - in different towns and had hopes of buying another one together in the city Kevin lives in (an hour away) because he has a great job and it just makes sense. But his house is 800sq feet, (a bachelor pad, that mind you, he has made into a great little home).... and mine was 2400sq ft. Little bit of difference:) So we lived at my house on the weekends and his during the week.  His house was by the beach, tennis courts and had alot of hiking around so we just labeled it our summer house to make it a little more mentally exciting haha

It was an adventure to say the least and the adjustment for the boys was huge. Especially for micah. They acted out because of the change, not because of Kevin, though that was a change but they adore him and are so glad they have a "new" daddy. Going between two houses was getting to be alot of change, living out of suitcases and moving our fridge food every week between the houses was well...... getting old. We knew it would be like this though. We prayed and prayed one house would sell as we had been for quite awhile and then.. IT DID!!! 

We sold Kevins!!! And shortly after decided to rent mine out to friends:) 

Onward we go:) 

We moved permanently into Kevins house and started to look for houses. No luck, of course, i mean isnt' that the way real estate works? nothing, nothing then BAM, you find the house of your dreams, or your price range and most of your dreams;) The realtor called me and said i had to look at this house before it got an offer - it had an offer on it just that day. So me and the boys drove over and we loved it!!! It was perfect! four bedrooms, fenced backyard, 2900sq feet, three floors, garage, great neighborhood, great schools, and has alot of fun things to do in it:) Needs some paint, new countertops and knobs but that's the fun details. It doesn't need renovations at all. With kids I don't need renos! 

So we made an offer, and got the house! It's beyond exciting! I know we have only been married a couple months but it feels like we have lived alot of life in those two months!

We move in September 15th. 

Which you might remember as the day our sweet Preston went to Heaven, four years ago. i did not choose the date, the owners did. And I just thought what are the chances of that? But it's also the date that Kevin called me for the first time one year ago (ya we're fast movers:). So I am thinking our great God wants to give us some happy memories on that date:) And I am thankful for that and as well for staying busy on that day!

We are praying Jake gets into the school that is within walking distance to our house but the classes are already full:( so we're praying something changes, i'm working on that happening, but you can pray with us!  I know whatever school he goes to is the one where God needs him to be at. Kindergarten is a huge deal for the first time, for me more than him i think! I know it will be ok, but I just hope he makes wise choices, I hope that we have instilled in him enough to be kind, and loving, helpful and graceful and not a little turd;) I know that ultimately he is not ours, he is the Lords and our job is to raise him and teach him what God's word says and all that God has done in our lives to teach and grow and mold us. Already I see such a love for God from him, one may say he only believes because he has been raised in a Christian home but I SEE the conviction in his heart, i see the faith being built, through things I don't even say or teach him, but how God leads his little heart and mind. I can actively see God working and molding him into the boy God wants him to be, it's Gods work, and not mine and I have to keep trusting that God is holding  him closer than i ever will. 

                            

The boys love Kevin, they constantly ask when he will be home from work and run to him when he walks in the door. Or they wait on the steps for him to drive up. It has been such a sweet journey, although a very busy and large transition. We have seen God working and felt his love and his peace and I'm so thankful. 

Micah had a harder adjustment to Kevin than Jacob. He has never known what it is to have a daddy, he diddn't even know what a daddy does. Such a weird reality hey? He made a comment saying, "what does a daddy do?" so as he saw kevin love him, and play with him and even discipline him, i think he saw that he could trust Kevin and the last few weeks have been really rewarding for Kevin and Micah's relationship. 

I think it's such a sweet picture of God's love and faithfulness for us. We run from him, he pursues us. We ignore him, he loves us, we get mad at him, he comforts and teaches us and responds with love and grace and hopefully we respond to that love and wisdom and our relationship only flourishes. 

So I have constantly been in reflection because life has been so busy and yet SO great, i just don't want to miss a thing! I dont' want to get so stressed out that I miss a hug or a snuggle, or a romantic moment i could have had if i wasn't fretting over something.  I'm reflecting on trying to live in the moment with my sweet boys and be thankful for everything,  watching micah eat an ice cream cone was the highlight of my day yesterday, have you ever watched a toddler eat one? it's priceless. 

God is good and he is in way more than we think, and when you find Jesus and pursue him with ALL your heart you will see him work in your life and in the small details of your day and your joy and thankfulness will only grow more and more as you see that and as you live in service to Him. 

Thank you for all your prayers and congrats on the wedding and new chapter in our life!!! 

Life is moving.... Quickly!!!

Wow, I get engaged and bam i stink at blogging! I have totally legitimate excuses though, i promise:)
Let's sum it up:
We're selling two houses, buying a third, raising two wild, yet wonderful little boys and learning how to do it as two parents instead of just one (which rocks!) maintaining relationships with family and friends and plan a wedding! All really wonderful things, but well... it's alot to juggle.

We're getting married on June 17th, which is fathers day. (Three weeks away!!!!!!)
We just chose the day randomly, but later realized it's fathers day! I think i know what we'll get Kev.... how does a whole family sound?! What a gift! But it's a gift for us too, on Fathers day, My heavenly Father and my earthly father will give me away (again:) to the new daddy of my boys:) It's all just so incredible to me.
It is a very small wedding, which is very difficult not inviting ALL those you love, but we had to keep it small, one for the smaller venue, and two because it's the boys day too and my eldest doesn't do well at all with large crowds, especially with ppl he doesn't see very often. He isn't a cheek pincher kind of kid;) So we're just praying ppl understand our choice and love us anyway! The boys are SOOO excited to get a new daddy, now they say, they have three dads! God, Preston and Kevin:)
We're having a rooftop wedding! It overlooks a lake, so beautiful! We chose such an amazing location sober didn't have to feel we had to decorate a ton, if u know me u know I love to decorate but I didn't want to make the wedding a show, it's a celebration of a very huge and important commitment and we wanted that to b the focus.

I think about my life today and all I can really say is thank you God!! His blessings are the sweetest, he wants more than just ok for us, and he will show us that if we walk closely with Him.
Although life is great, It can b easy to complain about the small things, the day to say things, parenting is still hard, ( 5 is a great age, 3, not so much!) but I think I have a different perspective because of losing Preston. I know that I love much deeper. And I appreciate things far more! I try to treasure moments more because I know how a moment can become a memory so fast and often times a memory u wish u appreciated a little more.
After u lose someone I think it's safe to say you see life through different lenses. Life Sloooooooows down. You stop and see The bigger picture more, u value the little things more, u see things u didn't see before, and your mind isn't wondering what the future has in store as often. I am more content then I ever have been. And I know I can say I was even before I met Kevin but yea he adds a whole new dimension that is nothing short of fabulous.
I know he is Gods best for me so if u are single or a single parent dont ever settle because u are lonely, wait on God and in his perfect timing he will bring along that one he picked for just you.
It was soo hard for me to imagine anyone loving me and my kids. Especially if they weren't his flesh and blood, one friend who is a step parent told me he will never love my kids as much as he will love his own biological kids. And now I think that is such a lie, with God u can love deeper than u ever imagined. And as I watch Kevin's affection for the boys I know that is true, he constantly blows me away through his words and actions.
How he loves them!! He will call them his sons and they will call him their daddy, a dad is not always blood.

They think the world of him, they wrestle with him and do man stuff and he reads them bible stories. They always are quick to inform me - when I am telling them to slow it down or stop being so rough - that I just don't understand man stuff (jake pulls that one)! Kevin was away all week working 14hr days so I told them that when Kevin comes back we have to take it easy on him and let him rest but jake says, "mom, no, he will b fine, he is so tough!"
Please don't think we have forgotten Preston. We talk about him almost everyday. Micah is still trying to figure out the difference between God the Father and Preston his father haha but they know and will always know how awesome Preston was.

I am just in awe that God brought me two wonderful men who love Jesus! My absolute favorite thing about Kevin is that he is a praying man. That man prays with me all the time, he knows exactly where to go when things get hard, when we need to say thanks, and when we just don't know what to do. There is a huge amount of confidence in that for me. When u know God is first in your mans life, well That tells me a whole lot about his character and how our life will go.
I can depend on Kevin, because he depends on God.
It's a huge deal becoming a new dad and husband, I pray for my man everyday, and I am so excited for our new adventures and our future as a family!
I'll make sure I post wedding pics:)

Engaged!!!

I'M ENGANGED!!!!!!....... No wait..... I'M ENGAGED!!!!!!!!!!

Seriously. 

I can't spell that word right. I don't know what it is, i don't spell the word often, but when i do.... I usually do it wrong. Like when I text all my friends that we were ENGANGED. I'm sure they assumed it was auto correct. They were wrong. 

So get to the story already Tara!!!

Kevin and I had obviously talked about getting married, i think we knew fairly fast into 'us' that we could see a future. 

Actually, I knew on the first date. 

To quickly catch you up: a mutual friend had introduced us, we started talking on fb, talked on the phone and four days later met in person:) 

I really really liked Kevin from the emails and the four hour long phone calls, but you just never know! What if that chemistry just isn't there face to face?

So in the car on the way to meet him for coffee I started to fear.... i almost turned around. It can't go wrong if I don't go right? I just don't want to get close to someone and be vulnerable, and put yourself out there and expose your children if it all turns to shambles in a few months. 

I was listening to  'Jesus Culture' - your love never fails. And one of the lines is: "There maybe pain in the night but joy comes in the morning" I felt like the Lord was so clearly saying, Tara, this is your morning!!!!!!! And I had that peace wash over me, that peace that passes all understanding. Then the bridge of the song says, "You make all things work together for my good" (romans 8:28)  God was saying it again, "Tara, this is the good I worked out for you!! Go enjoy the gift I have for you!" And kevin has been a HUGE gift in our lives. God knows exactly what he is doing.

Bottom line: I SO clearly felt this was from God, He was behind this, and before it. So i went with peace, and alot of excitement. Ok and still a bit of nervousness. ANd we had the BEST date!!! Such instant chemistry and I just had a very strong feeling that this would be my last first date. 

So last Saturday Kev and I went on a date, actually it didn't start off like a typical, romantic, hey you're getting engaged kind of date - thanks to me. We went to superstore first, because that's what you do when you have no kids. Grocery shop. You take advantage of every second you don't have two little (precious) boys in your cart.  Hey i had no idea that Kevin had better plans:) 

We had already eaten dinner so the plan was to go for a nice dessert.  however in this town there is no where to go for a nice dessert. (oh i miss you papa haydns) so we did what we did at the end of our first date, we went to coldstone and got ice cream:)  then we stopped at a secluded look out over the beautiful lake. We ate our ice cream and talked, laughed and were just ourselves. i think eating ice cream in a car, feet on the dash and not in a fancy restaurant is so much more us, you can be yourselves, let loose and laugh as loud as you want :-)

We got out of the car and the air was chilly, but  the moon was bold and bright,  the stars were just peaking out through the clouds and the waves were splashing the rocks below. Me and Kevin, and Gods incredible creation, perfect.

He wrapped his arms around me. 

We snuggled. 

We kissed. 

We talked. 

We shivered. no wait, i shivered. 

And then he said something sweet and 

He got down on one knee.....

And you want to know what I did?

I was so shocked (because honestly i didn't expect it THIS night) 

I told him to.... shut up!!!

Let me re hash it for you: 

tara: shut up!! no way!!! Get outta here!!! KEVIN!!! 

Oh yes I did. 

I'm just glad he never took me literally. See he knows me well. 

Kevin: Tara, you are the most amazing blessing in my life....... 

And the sad thing is, i don't remember what else he said, but i do remember this: 

Tara, will you marry me?

YES!

There was no hesitation. I was over the moon. This was real and this was awesome.

When he put the ring on my finger I could see in the moonlight it was not a tiny rock, I'm ok with that;)  He did good girls. He did good! I like sparkle, the bigger the better and he took me quite literally. What a great man.

He designed the ring from scratch, drew a picture and had it waxed, then put into gold. I have never worn something so beautiful in all my life. 

The boys are super excited! I told them the next morning and MIcah was like, cool! now let's play spiderman! Jake jumped up and down a bit and smiled alot. They kind of already knew it was coming too:) Precious moment was when i heard jake tell Kev, "i'm so glad you're going to marry my mommy!" And he has been asking questions about what Kevin will get to do with us once we're married. I can't wait!!!!!!!!!!

To be blessed with a man who I trust with my kids. A man who has no lazy bone is his body, A man who makes me laugh.

A man who loves my kids as his own and takes his role with us very seriously. 

Becoming a new dad is a HUGE responsibility, a father is held responsible for alot and he knows this. And to see him know this and still embrace us and want to lead these boys through life with me, teaching and guiding them,  enjoying them and loving them and preparing them to go out into the world overwhelms me to tears.  He is soo intentional and loving with them and with me, life is sweet with Kevin.  

We're planning a short engagement, so listen for wedding bells this summer...sometime, somewhere, in this world.

Thanks for all your well wishes and prayers and sweet words. i am so thankful for all the love and support we have had. 

A crafty post!

Two posts in one day, this is a big deal! 
But Can I tell you how excited I am to write a crafty post? 
I have thought about starting another blog jsut for this reason, especially after discovering pinterest! Oh my! didn't just saying that word make you a little excited? Although I am a little bummed that pinterest is so huge now, i'ts like a giant city rather than a cute little village or farmers market. I was on there awhile before everyone else discovered how great it was. It's still great..... just bigger (for lack of a better word so late at night!).


This last Christmas I was trying to think of a present for my friends baby girl, she is the most precious little baby and I just adore her. I wanted to make her and her mommy something very special that represented this time in their life. I thought and and i thought and finally the last day before I had to send this package to them I got an idea. I really think my best ideas come at the last minute. 
I collect a few things, sewing hoops being one of them! You can pick them up for pennies at the thrift store. 

But always check to make sure the two pieces, the outside and the inside fit together tightly. 

I also love silhouettes! There is something so sweet about the outline of a face, gives a different feel than a real picture. So this is what i came up with for little Lyric (love the name!) An outline of her sweet little head - you gotta love those pigtails. I wish I had taken a picture without my hand and with all the extra fabric trimmed but I didn't, end of story;) My perfectionism is gonna have to suck it up. 

 How I did this was super easy, just a little time consuming! And you don't need any expensive machine:) I first took the picture of Lyric to the website www.picnik.com and followed the directions from HERE to make the silhouette. Picnik is closing in April so if you want to make one get on it now if you don't have photoshop which does the same trick just at a much more complicated rate. 


Then I printed it off on fabric using freezer paper. YOu can buy freezer paper in the same section at the grocery store where you buy tinfoil and parchment paper. It almost feels like wax paper but I assure you it has much more skill.  
Cut a piece of freezer paper to 8.5″ x 11″. Then cut a piece of nice quality cotton fabric to the same size. Iron the freezer paper to the fabric onto the waxy side. I put a thin towel over the project as I was ironing. This sticks the two together and adds a stiffness to the fabric which allows you to send it through the printer. Then make sure you put it into the printer the right way so it prints onto the fabric side and not the freezer paper! 


Print it off, peel back the freezer paper and voila! you're project is almost done! I was soo impressed with how this turned out. But it is not water proof so if you get any water on it it will smudge. Not so good for tshirts, totally fine for a wall hanging! Although you can buy ink that is waterproof:) 


Last step was just putting it into the sewing hoop and trimming the edges! I adore Lyric and her mommy and thought this was a great gift. Thankfully she did too:) If you want one and don't want to attempt this yourself, i do have extra hoops, just send me a message and we can make something 
beautiful together... ok that sounded really wrong, let's make umm. beautiful crafts together:)

Well sweet dreams, this girl is finally off to bed! 

Oh life is beautiful!

My heart is full. My joy is overflowing and life really is beautiful. 

I don't want to sit here and brag, it's hard to write about happiness when ppl i know and love are going through.... hell on earth. Thankfully the bad things on this earth are as close to hell as a Christian will ever come. But it doesn't make our hearts ache any less. So I write with a hope that if you are facing some of the worst moments in your life know that there is hope and God will bring you out of your pit. That we can be sure of. The timing is not certain but his love is. 

Yesterday Kevin and I took the boys snowshoeing! We didn't think too much about the decision because it would have been really easy to convince ourselves out of taking a 4 and a 2 year old snowshoeing. However we had a great time!!! Definitely some meltdowns, but overall a really fun day. Kev carried Micah in the backback as we thought we would hate snowshoeing had we let him try (next year little buddy). He did however walk for a whole km by himself:) We just did 3km, with Jake walking the whole thing! 

two minutes in.... uh oh

So Beautiful

Although we did ALOT of encouraging and motivating! And as we were nearing the end of our hike Jake falls into the snow for the 20th time and says he can't go on anymore. It was slightly humorous as  he was almost at the finish line! So Kev and I took the opportunity to shower him with life lessons. "See Jake, this is alot like life,  it can be hard but when you finish it is rewarding and you will be so thankful for the rough times because it made you stronger, on this occasion your muscles and endurance:) We asked him what reward he got at the end of snowshoeing (it was hard to get past the donut and hot chocolate we promised him) and we had to dig before he finally said he was proud of himself, but i think we talked his ear off enough that he got our point haha.  

YES life can be hard! I know this too well, but if we quit right before the finish line, what joy is there in that? What reward or feeling of accomplishment? What does that say about your trust in God? "I have fought the GOOD fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith." - 2 Timothy 4:7 There is a reason it's called the "good fight" it's worth every hard and painful moment and thankfully we don't have to walk it alone. 

Ok i love that i just turned that into a teachable moment... you know you're a mom when.....! haha

My amazing parents watched the kids so Kevin and I could have date night after snowshoeing:) We're not married, but when there are kids in the relationship you need to work that much harder to have nights just for the two of you. And we're able to do that at least twice a month if not more, thanks to our awesome parents! 

It was one of those dates where you just fall more in love, head over heals crazy for each other kind of love. I didn't want the night to end. And the funny thing is that it wasn't even a date where we did anything super spectacular. Isn't it that way? the dates you don't plan are always the greatest? 

I feel that having kids has made me appreciate Kevin and date nights all the more, we don't take each other for granted that's for sure.  We went for dinner, had terrible service but we were able to laugh about it instead of get totally annoyed (always a good thing), then we drove through the Ford dealerships - yes we're that exciting:) Kevin has a love for Fords, we like to dream and joke around as he drools and i laugh at how he knows every single detail about every truck. Kind of like my kneen knowledge of decor on tv. I can watch most shows and tell you where they got this wall art from or that coffee table from.... is that sad? i dunno, i'm kind of proud.

Then we rolled home (after eating too much) and just hung out, then went out again and got a milkshake - because we could - no kids sleeping at home, this is a big deal for parents who are forced home everynight haha. The whole night we just talked and laughed alot.  Preston made me laugh and I didn't think I would ever find that again but God is good and I did. Kevin makes me roll with laughter, he brings me so much happiness. To be drenched in mourning then to be singing with joy and so much laughter is a beautiful gift. God is good. I know i am sharing the great moments of Kev and I, but of course it's not always easy, it's a huge adjustment for everyone and there have been hard moments but not red flag hard, worth it hard:) 

Some of what I love about Kevin is how he loves Jesus more than us and because of that he is able to love us so well, he constantly puts us before himself and always strives to show us and tell us how much he loves each of us. He is not just dating me, he knows I am a packaged deal:) 

He is such a great example to the boys, that is something you look for in a man when you have kids or even if you don't maybe that's a good thing to think about! Can my boys look up to him? Is he someone they will want to model their lives after? And he is very much that.  They adore him, micah calls him Pevin, "I miss my Pevin" and Jake wants to copy everything Kevin does. Kevin tells the boys, "We don't cry over the small things" so during the day Jake tells Micah the same thing, even when he hits his little brother, "now micah, stop crying over the small things!" well Jake.... that is a big thing... so we're working on what small and big things are haha 

Kevin prays with us and with me. He doesn't take this relationship or this role with the boys lightly. He is trusting and seeking God through it because it's not always smiles and laughter, as every parent out there knows! I'm so thankful for a man who seeks the Lord and how that shows in his daily life. It has been so awesome as well to see how God brought us together. To hear Kevin's history and story and how God led him to us is nothing short of a miracle, what he has learned through his life has helped him understand some of what I have gone through. He came into our lives at the most perfect time. God's timing is more than perfect, and in retrospect we always see that. 

It is in these monuments, when we see how faithful God is, how he walks with us, loves us and comforts us through the pain and then bring us up and out of our pits and into joy... these are the monuments we treasure and that help us know and trust God through every other hardship we will face in life. 

Anyway I think I have talked enough. I love talking about Kevin, i really do, I know it's so mushy, but it's real, and I'm so thankful for all of you who have loved and supported us over the years! And who still love me despite my disappearing act (aka i'm always with Kevin)!!