A dry spell

Well I have been having a bit of a dry spell lately...... I'm not up, I'm not entirely down, I'm just going.... and I think that's ok. It's really the first time that it has happened, when I am ok for a longer period of time. Usually I go through times where I am washed with emotion and am confused as to what this or that feeling means, but there's always an end to it where I can look back and be like, oh! that's where those emotions were leading and I can see what I was learning. It's also known as God taking me on this journey and not myself!
I still have such a huge mix of emotions that I "try" to sort through everyday. I'm my own physcologist, constantly trying to self diagnose my feelings, and I was getting a little worried that I wasn't on the rollercoaster I've been riding! But I really do think it's ok to just BE... I know I will have other hard moments so I should not be anxious about the fact that I'm not constantly devasted!
My devotional (my utmost for his highest) reminded me in a big way that I need to rest in the Lord and wait patiently for where he is leading me, in the bad times, but also in the good or ok times!
"The Lord was never worried or anxious, because he was not "out" to realize his own ideas; he was "out" to realize God's ideas. "All our fret and worry is caused by calculating without God."

I thought I'd put a link on for Kristin's blog, she is far better with her words than I! She has been so incredible being there for me through this journey and I love her for it! Our conversations often go like this... tara: I'm feeling, bla bla bla..... Kristin: ok so what you are trying to say is..... tara: YES!! that's a perfect way to put it!
She is just good at sorting my feelings into words and reading my heart...I tell her she will be the first one to edit my "book" if I ever write it. What she blogged about is alot of how I'm feeling, but she just sais it better! And you gotta love the picture of Preston...

Kristin's Blog

Update on our days...

I survived! I made it through a hard day and I'm thankful. Fathers day wasn't as bad as I imagined. Although I skipped out on church because it is really difficult to hear how people will be spending their fathers day. Seeing fathers and their children is hard in general, but God gives me strength through those moments as you can't really hide from looking at intact families! And in time, with the Lord by my side I will heal from that pain.

For Fathers day we watched home videos with Preston in them! That was great, when I watch them I often pretend I am back in that moment for just a minute. When I snap out I still find it so surreal that this reality is my life, and yet the gifts that Preston left which is our boys brings me endless joy. When Jake saw daddy on the videos he waves and says, "hi daddy!...." such innocence. And you know what, the one thought that gets me through every sad moment is the amazing HOPE we have that one day we will be together with Preston again. That's real.

Today was the video shoot! I woke up and wanted to barf. I have had a few panic attacks in my life and I came close to another one this morning. Simply because it's hard to relive the accident! And I want so badly to do a good job because this is important! Life insurance is invaluable and I hope everyone, especially those that have kids has a policy (it's very inexpensive). The people who were in charge of this day were absolutely amazing! They were sweet and funny and just easy going! That was a relief for me and made everything easier. They interviewed me, mother, Kristin and Jonathan and then asked Jake and Susannah some questions! ha ha, I'm kidding, no exploiting kids here. Then they took some "B roll" (where it will be dubbed over with music or talking) they had us "talk" to one another or play together or do the makerana (ha ha that would have been fun though).

And now it's done! I'm excited to see the final version! Hopefully I'll be able to share it on here.

This week (the 26th) will be our fifth wedding anniversary:( I can't really talk about it much cause it makes me sad, 5 is a big number. Simple as that.

Thanks for all your prayers!! I'll end with some pics of my adorable children. Praise God for my kids.

Fathers Day

Well tomorrow looms like a vulture over it's prey...oy, doesn't that sound pretty? Don't worry this post won't be all ugly. Tomorrow like you all know is fathers day... I have been putting this day to the back of my mind for some time now. Bonnie and I had discussed what we would do for this day and I told her I wasn't sure but wanted to come up with something to remember Preston and what an amazing daddy he was and then to honor our heavenly Father who has led us through this journey with His perfect grace and unfailing love. But every time the topic popped into my mind to put something together i avoided it like the plague!  I just didn't want to deal with the subject! I've had a hard time lately so I didn't want to add to my emotional roller coaster. I was so negligent on the topic of fathers day that I in fact forgot to buy gifts for my own father and father in law (sorry guys). My mom asked me what I was going to do for Fathers day last night and I was like, oh ya, fathers day, crap! So now, one day before I am sitting here trying to think of what to do to honor the two fathers in my childrens life. Any ideas? I'm wimping out and asking for help cause to be honest I don't feel like I have the emotional energy to whip up something great..I just know I want to for the boys sake. 

What else is new with us? Well... very EXCITING news, we're taking a trip to Florida this September! Me and "my story" were chosen to go to a national insurance conference, where agents from ins. companies all over the country will come to be more informed on the importance of different types of insurance (can I say that word just one more time please?)  Four families were chosen from across the country and a representative from each will speak to the agents on the last night!  I don't know if they know what they're getting themselves into having chosen me as one of the speakers! ha ha, but I know God, like he did Vegas, will use this to magnify who He is and to help others, I'm excited.  

And as well as going to the conference Newsweek magazine is doing an editorial on each of the four families attending! We had our photo shoot for that yesterday, and boy is it stinkin hard to get two children to cooperate at the same time. The photographer was so sweet and hung out with us the day before where he commented on how well behaved the boys were, well... I'm sure he had different feelings after the shoot. ha! We shot at two locations and took a billion pictures so considering all they had to endure they did great!  Oh and the newsweek will come out the last week of August or around that time:) 

This Monday we film a short video that they will show at the conference, detailing our story, who we are etc.  I've already done one for my ins company for Vegas and it is very emotionally draining because you have to relive the accident all over.  But the motivation that I am helping others encourages me to stay strong and do my absolute best. Pray for us on monday if you think about it!

We'll be in Florida for the "anniversary" date - 9-15, which is a HUGE blessing because it will be something good to look forward to. Especially because we get to go to Disneyworld! whoohoo! I'm so pumped, Disney anything makes me feel like a kid again and takes the sad out of life, momentarily anyway! My mom, sister and Kristin, Jonathan and Susannah will also come to support me and just have a good time.  

I'll end here with the last video we did... sorry it took me this long to share.   

warning: tears are inevitable

Down south we go...

I have re entered the blogging world:) I've been busy... We got back on Wednesday from visiting family and friends in the south! We went for a wedding, which was beautiful! I brought along my mom to help with the kids, I call her my little nanny... she does such a great job, but really, she's more than just a help with my kids, she is a great support!  

The wedding was really amazing, it was so exciting to see two ppl so in love commit their lives to one another... "till death do us part," gosh, when you say those words you don't actually think they'll become a part of your life.  As they uttered those words, I prayed they would never experience it.  What was bitter sweet for me was the memories their commitment brought... they so deeply wanted to glorify God with their relationship and show others Jesus Christ through their marriage and that is exactly what Preston and I desired for.  I was teary

 eyed the whole way through and had to distract myself with the boys so I didn't cry my eyes out. While my heart broke at the sweet memories of our marriage, and the reality of that chapter in my life being over God overwhelmed me with an immense peace. I felt as if God was saying to me that we tried hard in our marriage to honor him and he was happy with that, and now that chapter in my life is over and it's ok... well it's not all 

ok, it still hurts, but he will be there as I begin to move on. He is the same God i committed myself to honoring in marriage and the same whom I have committed to honoring even now.

The groom is a "cowboy" so this was to honor Billie! So cute!

On a lighter and super awesome note... I was blessed to meet my sweet friend Bonnie!! I've shared before how her and I came to know one another early this year as our circumstances paralleled one anothers and we found ourselves in the same place in life... we were connected through mutual friends and have talked over email and on the phone, but to meet was amazing!! It felt as if we had been friends forever, we hung out on a few different occasions, and had a great time! God definitely had his hand in bringing us together - even to the fact that she lived in the same town as Preston's extended family... where we were visiting! I can't wa

it until the next time we get together, I love you Bonnie!! 

Bonnie, Caroline, Jake (mr. happy) and moi!

After arriving home from down south the week became a little unbearable, and very bitter sweet... a little more bitter than sweet to be honest... i'll share with you the bitter sweet details, an idea which I copied from another blogging friend, who actually is sadly in the same place in life as Bonnie and I. It's amazing how God has brought people into my life who can relate 100% to what i am facing...it's awful to know these girls are going through the same thing as me, but comforting to know we can walk through it together.  

Bitter: I MISS PRESTON!!!  I feel like the accident just happened last week... grieving is like a rollercoaster, up and down and up and down. On a normal, mostly good day I get slapped in the face with the fact that Preston is gone like 3 or 4 times, but this week it has been like 50 times a day, it's that feeling in your chest when you hear really bad news and everything slows down around you.  I know, weird way to put that, but it's really like that.  I am strong for a time and then something triggers memories and I'm a wreck.... I wish I knew this had an end, aside from eternity. Tonight I drove past our old house where we first brought Jake home and past New Seasons market where Preston would bring me flowers from so spontaneously and where we would walk to get gelato or the occasional grocery item... I secretly wanted to just stop, go inside and pretend all was normal and I was buying ice cream for a late night treat fest... but that's a reality that will never ever come true and that breaks my heart... 

Sweet: My boys!! How I adore those two! I am so thankful I have been blessed with them. Jake is super funny, even at two... he brings me Joy to no end. Micah smiles already and his smiles are huge and light up a room... just like daddy's did! What a gift from God! He knew I needed them! 

Bitter: I feel SO FAR from Preston... 9 months without a word from my love, just dreams that aren't real. The distance is growing and that is no fun. 

Sweet: I WILL see him again...won't that be a sweet reunion? I have to focus here.

Bitter: FEAR, I often fear the death of other ppl in my life.... the thought temps to take over my mind

Sweet: Jesus feared too... in the garden of gethsemane, right before his journey to the cross. He sweat blood at the thought of what was to come, even though he knew the outcome. But at the end of his prayer to the Father he said, "Your will be done" and that was it... and that's where it ends for me. I fear, but I continuously need to hand it back to God and trust.

Bitter: We were by ourselves for a day this weekend and it's hard to be alone on weekends... knowing your friends are all with their husbands and kids enjoying the sun and no one will walk through the doors at the end of the day and give me a kiss or a hug or play with the boys... it's exhausting being alone... it's so fun being with the boys, we enjoy the sun too, but i just miss the presence of Prest. When will I get used to him being gone?

Sweet: My Lord! How great is my God! He is so constant in my life... so comforting and I wish I could explain this better... but he assures me that while this is a journey I have no choice but to walk through, he is here, carrying me at times, holding my hand at other times and growing me in Him. This is as real as the night in front of me. All that matters at lifes end is do you know Jesus Christ? not just as a historical figure, but do you have a personal relationship with him? have you put ALL your trust in him and repented of the sins in your life? Turning from them and following after God with all your heart? The joy that comes from following Jesus and magnifying God with your life is truly amazing... more than I could ever describe.

I do know Christ and I have so much hope that whatever tomorrow brings God is there and that on the other side of this life there will be no more pain... only JOY.

Sweet: To know God is continuously molding me through all this crap is encouraging.

Well I am so sincerely sorry if that was just a pooper of a post! Unbelievably, this was just a small part of what's going on, I am still having a hard day, so pray for us:) Thanks for walking in this journey with us... 

 

Flying solo

The three of us!

It's such a beautiful day here! So what the heck am I doing blogging? I guess I'm having "me" time, the boys are asleep, I should be asleep, but I feel it's such a waste of a day.... I may hate myself for that later on... but oh well, I need to feel productive and this sounded more exciting than cleaning out the bathtub!

We had a slightly crazy week, my mom went home (she'll be staying with me until I think I can fly solo...which I can't imagine happening, but I know with time and God's working in my life I will). I was a little nervous, but mostly excited as I figured it would be a great time to bond with my two sweet boys and learn how to do this single mom thing... I have to try right?! The most difficult part was sleeping and just being downright exhausted! It always seemed that they wouldn't sleep at the same time therefore I didn't get to nap. And then the one day I called in a friend to help they both slept and she didn't have to do a thing! Although she did my laundry and for that I am forever grateful! I think God must receive the, "God HELP MY BABY SLEEP!" prayer a million times, but it doesn't ever stop me from praying it over and over...

My "sleepy" sweetheart

Speaking of sleep, Micah sleeps fairly well, the other night he did a 5hr stint! ya baby! However one night he woke up every 2hrs so like all of life it is very unpredictable.

I didn't get any "me" time this week, and I find "me" time totally valuable because it refreshes me so that I am ready for the next moments of life. Being a mom is absolutely amazing, but mom is not my only identity! A friend recently got me a gift from Origins and while I snuck in a shower after the kids went to bed I lathered my loofa with the sweet ginger scrub and all fell silent as I heard the angels singing the hallelujah chorus... sweet me time; who knew a shower could be so heavenly?

Jacob had such a hard time when my mom first left, he has a very close bond with her, which is sweet to witness, and I'm thankful he has her in his life, but it makes it that much harder when she leaves. He woke up screaming for her, and he has an incredibly LOUD cry so he'd better be a powerful singer when he's older to make up for the "performances" he gives now! He'd wake Micah too so then I'd have two to get back to sleep, yuck! But we did it!

One night, mothers day I think, Jake woke up several times... it was such a sad cry or a scared cry, hard to tell the difference. I went to comfort him and asked him what was wrong, but as his vocabulary is limited he just stared at me.. ha ha, poor kid! I asked, are you scared (the usual issue), "no" he said firmly, are you mad? "no" are you sad? "YA" I went on to say, "sweetie, do you miss someone?" figuring it would be "mamu" (grandma) and he said, "ya" I went through a list of the usual ppl he sees in his life and all were no's so i said, well Jake, who do you miss? He responded in such a light whisper... "Dada...." I had no words, I fell silent as I felt silly for not assuming that in the first place, I guess I just thought he's moved on more than he has. It broke my heart, but I don't really know and can't assume he was as devastated as he seemed. God watches over the fatherless so this was one issue I cannot worry about and just let God work in his little life.

I also experienced the jealous sibling! Jake had not acted jealous prior because he had all my mom's attention if he wasn't receiving mine. One day, I took them for a walk to the park and the whole time Jake kept saying, "no baby Micah!" in other words, I want you mom, without Micah!! Micah was in the front pack so that was a little hard! Sorry buddy! But I tried my best to divide my attention evenly. It's hard with a newborn because you have to devote more attention to them as their needs like feeding are more of a priority. As the week moved on, Jake did better. And now he is so super excited to have my mom (and dad for a few days) back!

Mother's Day was good, so many people sent sweet words through cards or emails and I really appreciated it! The day was easier because of it:) The boys, through my mom got me a picture framed of the three of us, beautiful!

I am actually more nervous about fathers day as I already see all the commercialness of it and would much like to have nothing to do with it. In all honesty it's so hard not to tear up when I see an "intact" family enjoying a picnic or a hike or a day at the park...I actually would like to scream, but that might look kind of weird! I'm glad I appreciated those days that we had with Preston, and I hope ppl who are blessed with fathers for their families deeply cherish those times. On a much nicer note, mothers day was fun because a few of my girlfriends sacrificed their time with their families and in the evening came over to watch a movie with me, we all needed our girl time and laughed our heads off watching baby mama!

Lisa (Isaac) Ashley (callen) and Moi!

So all in all we survived this week, each day got easier and by the end of the week I managed to get places a few minutes earlier than at the beginning of the week, ha ha! (seriously how does anyone manage to get themselves and kids ready and on time!?) The days I had less sleep were definitely more difficult to endure, isn't that always the case?!? Thanks to all you amazing woman who came over to help at bedtime or nap time, I couldn't have done it "sanely" without you!

God remained close to us as he always does. It's easy for me to assume God will just move on like everyone else has, and the closeness I feel to him won't last, but that's an incredibly intense lie. "Never will I leave you, NEVER will I forsake you" (hebrews 13:5) God has NEVER changed, he is the same yesterday as he is today and will be forever, I know that, I just need to constantly remind myself!

Birthday Hoopla

I had an AMAZING birthday this year! Birthdays are HUGE to me, whether that means celebrating mine or someone else's! No one does anything spectacular to deserve a birthday, but what a great reason to have a party! (Actually, after having two kids I am pretty sure the mom is the one who deserves a party for all the hard work she did, but what can you do, it's all part of the sacrifice!) Well party we did, like it was 1999... literally, my Mom and Kristin, the wonderful women they are threw me a birthday party like I got when I was little! See, this year I was dreading my birthday because it is one of those BIG days where Preston's absence echos so loudly. He always treated me like a princess on my birthday, complete with a special hand picked card, writing filling both sides. From sunrise to sunset he made it known that I was his focus and he deeply loved me. It was a sweet day, not just for me, but for us as a couple. So Kristin and Mom invited my mommy friends over, those girls who I share so much of my life with, and they each brought a yummy dessert, girls + chocolate comes hand in hand! Then we had a treasure hunt, a pinata and a game! My mom used to throw me big big parties when I was little with treasure hunts and homemade pinatas! So she figured that I would appreciate being whisked away to a time when life was without grief and I could be a kid again. I LOVED it! We ended the night talking and being our dorky selves. I am so sincerely thankful for these ladies in my life, they have helped me work through not only my grieving journey but two years of poopy diapers and late night wakings! I couldn't have gotten here as I am without them.We had the party the day before my bday so on the actual day we went mini golfing with Jonathan, Kristin and Susannah! Jake just loves to golf, he really loves all sports, but golf is right up there! He is very intentional (like his daddy) about getting that ball in the hole. He got a bit of a head start by placing his ball three inches from the hole, but give him a break, he's two!! He also had a great time stopping everyone else's ball before it got to the hole and then went on to putt it in himself. Later that night mom treated me to dinner and my sweet and super crazy friends David and Britt and their little man Caleb and my lovely sister in law joined us. It was a perfect weekend to end a rough few weeks! Here are some pictures....

The little pro

Us

Sweet fancy "hat"

This and that and that...

Life has been similar to the last post, a little trying but full of joyful moments!  The last few days have actually been really good, but I take one day at a time, trying so hard to focus on today and not dwelling on what may come tomorrow!   I continue to get flashes of reality that Preston is really gone and is never coming back, and it's still so unbelievable, death is too final - yuck!!  But it's also a great reminder to keep an eternal perspective and makes me thankful that I do have the joy from absolute assurance that I know where I am going when I die.  At Bible study today (we are doing Beth Moore's 'Beloved Disciple') she was talking about some of what we will experience in Heaven. Exciting! I cannot wait - to be with my heavenly father who has sustained me through out this life and to see Preston again, forever! What a sweet day! 

Jake is such a good brother! The first night Micah was home and woke up in the middle of the night, Jake woke up as well and instantly began crying, "BABY!!!" in a very worried tone. I reassured him baby was just fine, and was simply ready to eat! The past few days Jake has tested me like never before! He hit Micah once, head butted him and poked him "gently" in the eye, but each time looked right away at me as if he knows he did wrong! However, Jake loves to hug Micah and give him the pacifier, pronounces his name, MI....CAH and would really like it if Micah could play ball with him!

It is so awesome to see the boys interact, even at this age, I know it will only get better and I am excited for that, but just seeing Jake love on Micah is precious!  I tell Jake that he and Micah will grow to be best friends and will love to play together - Jake responds by saying, "basketball" in other words, they will play bball! 

So all in all Micah is a good baby, I totally forgot how much babies fill their diapers, how much they need to be burped and how it is next to impossible to get anything done around the house, but I wouldn't change it for anything!

I began to go through all the cards people had sent from the months around the accident, I had read them when they arrived, but had just stored them in a bag under the kitchen table until I could look at them again - really tidy, I know!  It was encouraging to read what others had written, I can't believe the number of people who didn't even know us who sent cards! I took what most had to say to heart because I know God led many to say what they did.  I came across a note that really spoke to me where I am at now. It's from Spurgeon (Strengthen My Spirit), 

"There are griefs in life that wealth cannot alleviate, and there is the deep need of a dying hour for which no riches can provide.  But when you have God for your portion, you have MORE than ALL else put together.  In Him every want is met, whether in life or in death.  With God for your portion you are rich indeed, for He will supply your need, comfort your heart, ease your grief, guide your steps, be with you in the dark valley, and then take you home to enjoy Him as your portion forever." 

This is such a good reminder! As a now single mom it's so easy to look ahead and try to forecast what will happen next. I think about the "what ifs" but what is the sense in that? I never end up thinking about the great things that could happen, and I have a huge imagination!  God is my everything and all I need to do is TRUST him moment by moment! He is in complete control of my tomorrow and if he works everything out for the good of those who love him why the heck do I ever worry? " I may be uncertain of my tomorrow, but I am certain of God, he is faithful. "Leave everything to Him and it will be gloriously and graciously uncertain how He will come in-but you can be certain that He will come. Remain faithful to Him." - (my utmost for his highest April 29th)

Insurance update: What a dork I am! I asked you to pray for my insurance needs and then never told you the outcome...it wasn't anything super profound, maybe that's why! It ended up being an accident that I was dropped from insurance so they straightened it all out and I am now covered!  Really anti-climactic, right? But it was an answered prayer!!!  And I praise God for the amazing people in my life who worked on this for me!