I have been plotting and planning for this blog post literally for months.
I have written and rewritten it so many times. And each time I couldn't finish it, but today, oh today is the day!
I feel soo blessed with the life I have! Kevin is incredible, he has adjusted to life with a family amazingly well. The boys adore him. He has taught them to ride bikes, responsibility, how to play baseball, and what it means to be a boy - in ways I won't even begin to describe here haha
and kevin has a patience with them that i certainly dont have! patience isnt my forte....
We have learnt more than we ever anticipated! They say that a child learns more in the first five years of their life than at any other time of life. Well I would seriously like to debate that one! This last five years I have learned more about raw, real life.... I have seen many many mountain tops, and many low valleys, even been stuck in a pit or two, or twenty, but who's counting;-)
And through every single step, every moment of our lives we haven't sunk into the deep, thrashing waters.
And oh u bet u know exactly why.
Melt my heart, I stand in awe,
MY GOD IS GREAT!!! He is real and moving in incredible ways.
Don't miss Him.
A girl from my bible study recently lost her precious baby boy.
Heart twisting... How could this happen? God knows.
Do you want to know what she first told us ladies at study? "Girls, I want you to know how great our God is" !!!!!!!
Soak that in....
You absolutely cannot make that up. Grief is flooding, it eats you, and yet she saw and felt God right in the midst of deep pain. God has and is and will continue to work in their lives , they will have scars but they will not succumb to the pain. Its unimaginable pain but you must know and trust that God meets the grieving in unreal ways. I know first hand.
God doesn't take away our pain but he meets us at every single step of the way.
He Carries us
He walks with us
and through it all he is building in us depth,
"We rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering PRODUCES endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us. (Romans 5:3-5 ESV)
All this is made through his astonishing mercy, grace and love that no one can take from us... Not even death.
Kevin and I have not endured the loss of a child.
But, we have had our own real struggle this year.
I want to share it so maybe it can encourage someone else struggling with unanswered questions.... With hopes and dreams that just aren't coming to pass like they thought they would.
Babies. Oh babies!!
We really would love to have a third child! Oh the gift of a child. Don't u ever for one second take your baby or pregnancy for granted. You have a gift that many so deeply desire.
I know I have two adorable, wonderful boys and not at all have I been ungrateful for what I have! Kevin and I would just like to have a child together.
So, pregnancy isn't happening for us but no reason why. And yes we know every tiny detail of how haha
It's been a huge year but for so many reasons we wanted to try right away, even though there was alot of stress and realistically it might have been smarter to wait. (Like I said, I'm not so patient;-)
This has been a very painful journey that I never ever expected to go through but im here, i cant ignore it is effecting me even though i have two kids. Its still disapointing every month. i try to pretend its not but it is. So i have to deal with it, not live my life around it, deal with it - work through it.
I can truly say I am glad I have experienced it so I can say to another woman, I know what it's like to live month to month just waiting and hoping.... And then hopes dashed. Oh it is no fun at all. And watching everyone around u get pregnant. It's sad. And exhausting.
So what do you do with disappointment as a Christian?
With that waiting period? With the Impatience?
You have two choices, like Job (story in the bible) tell Jesus how mad you are, how frustrated u are and how this was NOT YOUR plan... And then you turn the switch off. Sorry God I'm done here, I just don't get you.
OR like Job did, you can tell God all those same pains, and then fall at his feet, curl up in his comforting arms, and sob. He is a very BIG God, he can take our rage.
And more than anything he wants his children to be raw and honest before him... Let Him pour his love upon us, and It is then that he can work so fluidly in our lives. When we let him come in and surrender all, casting our desires before him. And if you are bad at surrendering so am I!!! (Ill explain that later) but Jesus can help u get there, abandoned before Him.
And Oh did I let him in! I know by now I am dumb not to do that. What's the point of remaining in your slump?
And It's humbling really.
Look around you, great suffering plastered on newspapers, online, next door... Around the world, those big issues like... Hungry children and nations at war, genocides, way bigger issues than my little pain at not getting what I want when I want it. And YET, HE meets us wherever we are... He picks us up so gently and speaks love over us... He gently refines and restores. Digging out all our dirt.
The big pains to the little pains. He is your deliverer.
I thought, if I got through the death of Preston I could certainly get through anything!!! Ha. Not exactly. I mean, i can get through it but it doesn't mean it isn't painful.
I'm exhausted from the rollercoaster from the last five years and yet I love the growth that can come from it. So... Onward we go, I am not a quitter.
I am soo bad at surrendering my "stuff" to God. One huge reason is one you need to hear....
I don't always trust that Gods plan is best. True sad story:-/
Do you relate?
I want to control the timing of this baby. But I just haven't been able to convince God my timing is best:-/
I was mentally and emotionally exhausted and God knew it. He brought a dear lady into my life who has helped me come before Jesus. Mama Shelley sharkey!! She prays over me, she prays for me and speaks truth into my life. Everyone can use a good dose of godly life coaching.
Look at this picture: (actually scroll down Bc I can't seem to put it in the right place here through Blogger app)
It's me and a tree. A fruit tree.
I'm fruity so it's perfect.
What was I doing staring at a tree? Well... I was remembering truth.
For every lie you hear you need to remember the truths.
God takes care of his children. He prunes us when we need it - he knows when we do, you CAN trust him.
He takes away everything that gets in the way of your relationship with him Because he knows that the road to happiness is holiness and holiness ain't gonna happen if its up to us. Let him set your feet upon the path.
If we are rooted in Christ we will not be shaken, but The tree needs to be watered, it needs to be pruned or else it will overgrow and the branches will rub together and become more susceptible to disease. And disease leads to death.
And there is no way a good father is going to let his children go. Like a good father, Jesus cuts away our bad stuff, he nourishes and strengthens, he refines and restores so that we will produce "fruit" life giving fruit.
And we have the great hope that one day,
"He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor PAIN anymore, for the former things have passed away." And he who was seated on the throne said, "Behold, I am making all things NEW (emphasis mine)" (Revelation 21:4, 5 ESV)
Did you get that?
When all seems lost and sad and broken and oh soo frustrating you have hope!
You have JOY, from your salvation - you are free!! Hello that's a reason to rejoice in the midst of anything.
Oh and ps rejoicing in suffering doesn't mean dancing in the streets like, guess what?? life totally sucks right now but i dont care Bc Jesus is fixing it all!!!!! :-) :-) :-) while that is indeed true, that Jesus is fixing it, it's ok to be sorrowful (yet always rejoicing.) He knows your heart and he isn't for one second thinking you are bad if you are feeling sad.
Remember? He meets you where u are at and takes you to where he knows you need to be!!
Rejoicing and being thankful is a command. And for good reason, God knows that when we rejoice and give thanks we see MORE of him and less of us. And there. THERE, He teaches us.
So go to him, knowing you can trust His plans and dig deep into his word. After all it is his love letter to us.
Memorize, study, soak it in.
And PRAY PRAY PRAY
Then...... Shh wait for it....
LISTEN. he has so much to say, through scripture, through the whispers into your heart. Through analogies of trees;-)
I am in a good place today. I do believe we will have a baby, and i can hardly wait to love on it!!
I am sad it isn't happening today but I know my God is good and his plan is great. I CAN trust him. And in the mean time I have plenty to be thankful for!
One day ill sit with Jesus and we will watch the story of my life and ill see... And realize that he DID work everything out for my good.
Im excited to hear how God is working in your life! Talk and share with me if u want:-)