A year ago today...

Wow. One year ago I was holding Micah for the first time, six hours old and smaller than any baby I've ever held before! He was 5'lb9oz, and only a week early (he just stopped growing after 36weeks, nothing wrong, he just likes being small:)
After the accident alot of people commented to me or to those close to me that it was going to be soo hard (and some couldn't comprehend how God would allow tragedy at such a time as this) to have two small kids and be a single mom, and let it be known that there were times when I agreed. And there were moments before Micah was born and I was trying to wrap my grief stricken mind around having two under two when I asked God, "are you sure you know better than me? cause I'm pretty sure I can't do this, or at least do this and turn out two normal children (ha ha).
And then Micah came along, I had so much peace and joy the entire day he was born. I felt God so close to my heart, his presence and his love for this girl was so very real. He was about to give me a gift that he knew would have such a profound effect on my life.

I honestly can't believe it has been one year, it really does blow my mind. In one year Micah has gone from laying like a blob (a cute one) to rolling, and crawling and signing and talking and walking and chasing his brother around, even fighting back once in awhile (he can make Jacob cry)! I pray that the bond of brotherhood only grows, I tell them that they are going to be best friends and do so many things together, although Jake did tell me he was going to take Micah to his teachers so they could show him everything, oh well, I think he'll figure his part out in time!

I think Jake said it best the other night while we were snuggling reading bedtime books; we were looking at an elmo book and came across a picture of elmo's daddy in elmo's room, Jake says, "a picture of his daddy, just like I have on my wall!" I said, "that's right Jake, that's so special." then he says, "He died, but we're still happy!" I wasn't sure whether to cry or to smile, so I smiled as tears sparkled in my eyes. Yes, it is really brutal that Preston died, but we ARE happy and I am SO thankful that my precious little three year old sees that. Maybe I have done a good job. Thank you Lord.

As I see Micah (and Jacob) grow physically I am reminded of my emotional and spiritual growth as well, when they grow I grow. I can say that in confidence because I have and will continue to give my grief and my pain and my happiness to the Lord and allow him to refine me and allow him to mold my journey into something beautiful, the ugly parts, the nice parts and the painful ones too. The Lord is the author and perfecter of my faith and my life... I'm in good hands.

Micah physically initiated a new beginning for the three of us, God completely and entirely knew what he was doing, he created me for such a time as this and he is walking with me through it and giving me strength to get through my days. Even just from the past year I have a stack of monuments that SHOUT:
God is faithful. God is powerful. God is loving. God is gracious. God IS real. Very real.

A year ago I had written that i was angry Preston will never hold his baby boy or take him to the park or teach him how to ride a bike, and I still think that is brutally sad, but it doesn't pierce my heart as it once did. I think that if we could see what Preston sees in Heaven and all the glory we can't even begin to imagine then I think we would live differently knowing that this present suffering is so small in comparison to the beauty that awaits us...
My boys are my joy here on earth and as chaotic and crazy as some days can get (like today but i'll blog that later) i wouldn't give it up for anything, God was so gracious to me by giving me Jacob and Micah.


what! a year already!! Happy birthday to Micah!
Giselle said…
You're making your mother cry! What a joyous picture of sweet Micah on his Birthday. Wish I could have been there. I like what you said about the birth of Micah being a new beginning for the three of you. As John Avery Whitaker used to say, "The best is yet to come!" I love you, Tara.
Pam Newby said…
You made your mother in law cry too! You know I love you guys. Wish I could have been there to help celebrate Micah's birthday. I'm so sorry that the boys aren't feeling well though! I love this picture of you two. He looks so much like Preston that it brings joy to my heart. He looks a lot like you too Tara. He's a good combination of the two of you. I know that you have endured a lot since Prestons death, but truly God has been faithful through it all.
Mandi Bartel said…
what a beautiful post :)it made me think that about micah's birth being a puzzle piece moment...no matter how hard it was, it fit. God created him to fit.

love you.
BrendaE said…
Happy Birthday to your precious Micah! He truly is a gift from God at exactly the most perfect time. So thankful you can say and really mean that you are happy again. Because God wants you to be happy (and I'm sure Preston does too)
From a sister in Christ whom you've never met but checks on you regularly through your blog.
In His Love, Brenda Elmore
Malory said…
thats was good, I love you! I love that picture! MIcah is amazingly cute!
Anonymous said…
i love how scripture comes out in everything you say. you know you are full of the word when it is an natural extension to your speech.
you amaze me all the time tara. may we all learn to live in and embrace the desires and plans that God has for us as you do.
Britt said…
Hey buddy. this blog totally encouraged me. Tomorrow Dave goes back to work, and for the first time, i'm going to be left with two kids by myself, and i'm SOOO worried about it! Reading about your joy and peace amidst going it alone gives me so much confidence that I can do it too, and the Lord will be gracious with me as I learn and grow into a mother of two. Thanks, friend. I love you a ton. and HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MICAH!!!!!!!
Jenny said…
Happy 1st Birthday, Micah! (a couple of days late). :) Tara, I always feel inspired after reading your posts. I am encouraged to strive to be a better mom and to seek and praise God in each moment. Thank you!
Tara! I've already commented here but I wanted to be the first to say it....LOVE the new blog design! It's perfect & totally suits you.
MaRia said…
You are such an inspiration to me. . .and so many others you can't even imagine!

Prayers your way,

Maria in IN

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