A year ago today...

Wow. One year ago I was holding Micah for the first time, six hours old and smaller than any baby I've ever held before! He was 5'lb9oz, and only a week early (he just stopped growing after 36weeks, nothing wrong, he just likes being small:)
HAPPY BIRTHDAY  MY SWEET BOY!
After the accident alot of people commented to me or to those close to me that it was going to be soo hard (and some couldn't comprehend how God would allow tragedy at such a time as this) to have two small kids and be a single mom, and let it be known that there were times when I agreed. And there were moments before Micah was born and I was trying to wrap my grief stricken mind around having two under two when I asked God, "are you sure you know better than me? cause I'm pretty sure I can't do this, or at least do this and turn out two normal children (ha ha).
And then Micah came along, I had so much peace and joy the entire day he was born. I felt God so close to my heart, his presence and his love for this girl was so very real. He was about to give me a gift that he knew would have such a profound effect on my life.

I honestly can't believe it has been one year, it really does blow my mind. In one year Micah has gone from laying like a blob (a cute one) to rolling, and crawling and signing and talking and walking and chasing his brother around, even fighting back once in awhile (he can make Jacob cry)! I pray that the bond of brotherhood only grows, I tell them that they are going to be best friends and do so many things together, although Jake did tell me he was going to take Micah to his teachers so they could show him everything, oh well, I think he'll figure his part out in time!

I think Jake said it best the other night while we were snuggling reading bedtime books; we were looking at an elmo book and came across a picture of elmo's daddy in elmo's room, Jake says, "a picture of his daddy, just like I have on my wall!" I said, "that's right Jake, that's so special." then he says, "He died, but we're still happy!" I wasn't sure whether to cry or to smile, so I smiled as tears sparkled in my eyes. Yes, it is really brutal that Preston died, but we ARE happy and I am SO thankful that my precious little three year old sees that. Maybe I have done a good job. Thank you Lord.

As I see Micah (and Jacob) grow physically I am reminded of my emotional and spiritual growth as well, when they grow I grow. I can say that in confidence because I have and will continue to give my grief and my pain and my happiness to the Lord and allow him to refine me and allow him to mold my journey into something beautiful, the ugly parts, the nice parts and the painful ones too. The Lord is the author and perfecter of my faith and my life... I'm in good hands.

Micah physically initiated a new beginning for the three of us, God completely and entirely knew what he was doing, he created me for such a time as this and he is walking with me through it and giving me strength to get through my days. Even just from the past year I have a stack of monuments that SHOUT:
God is faithful. God is powerful. God is loving. God is gracious. God IS real. Very real.

A year ago I had written that i was angry Preston will never hold his baby boy or take him to the park or teach him how to ride a bike, and I still think that is brutally sad, but it doesn't pierce my heart as it once did. I think that if we could see what Preston sees in Heaven and all the glory we can't even begin to imagine then I think we would live differently knowing that this present suffering is so small in comparison to the beauty that awaits us...
My boys are my joy here on earth and as chaotic and crazy as some days can get (like today but i'll blog that later) i wouldn't give it up for anything, God was so gracious to me by giving me Jacob and Micah.