Wednesday, October 08, 2008

Update

Complete exhaustion would describe the way I feel lately. Emotional exhaustion as well as physical exhaustion, due to my pregnancy! I just entered my second trimester, yay! I am still sick and even more sick at night - who coined the phrase morning sickness anyway, for some ppl it's all day!? But that precious gift at the end is indeed worth it!  This little one has been such a source of joy and hope for me. 

My roommate from college, Andrea was here for a few days and that was awesome!  I hadn't seen her in two years, and it was still like no time had passed and we were closer than ever. I love that. She was such an encouragement.  My mom is still here, I won't let her leave! And she's doing an amazing job helping us. 

Lately I have received a lot of questions like, now that things have slowed down and you can really think about the permanents of this, how are you doing? And it's a legitimate question. 
It breaks my heart to know just how permanent this is, I will never see Preston on this earth again. And every time I feel emotionally paralyzed I have to go straight to the Lord. If you're hungry don't you go straight to the fridge? God fills me up and gives me strength. And each time I bring my burden to the Lord he encourages me, he comforts me and he holds me so close to him that it would be impossible to deny he exists. He has been so real and active in my life.  I also talk alot to those around me, what Tara likes to talk?!?! ha ha It's helped me heal so much. 

2 Corinthians 6:10 says, "...Sorrowful, yet always rejoicing" and that is a good summary of what I feel. But Tara, what can you rejoice in? How can you have joy in this awful moment? I have hope. I know that "God works everything out for the good of those who love him", I have joy knowing that Preston is free of this world and completely happy, and that lives are changing as a result of his death.  The love of my life is gone so this is by no means easy, I cry alot and I miss him so deeply, I carry a constant pain within me. God has just led me to embrace my tears, cry when I need to, knowing that he will sustain me, he'll shape me and mold my grief into something beautiful and useful for him. 

And the last totally random thought I've had lately was, what if Preston could see me (maybe he can) or talk to me, what would he say, what would he feel? And I felt so strongly that he would have full confidence that I would be ok, that all of us who trust in the Lord would be ok, better than ok.  Not because I am super human (ha ha) but because Preston has stood in the presence of our God! In all his splendor and beauty, and sovereign power.  He knows first hand the God who is taking care of us, the God who gives strength, peace and love, the one who sustains our life.  It gives me chills and total joy. 

10 comments:

ashleyalvina said...

ah, so good to hear your thoughts! I have to admit, I check daily :)

Tara, we all say it but we have no reason to stop: you are an encouragement and a blessing. Thank you for always pointing to Christ with your life and words.

love to you today,
ashley

John said...

I can't say it any better than Ashley ... I echo her every word.

One piece of advice I doubt you've heard ... don't let all the "you're an encouragement to me's" give you any undue pressure (nothing wrong with them, either, because you ARE!). But I can only imagine if I heard that as much as I'm sure you have that I'd somehow be letting people down if I showed any weakness. Don't you worry about that! You couldn't possibly let anyone down with any weakness (even if you struggle at times with your faith ... don't be discouraged by that, either.)

I still pray for you all the time (sometimes I wake up late and wonder .. why am I up? Ok, I'll pray for Tara!) and fall back to sleep almost immediately.. the Lord wakes me up to pray for you! He is caring for you and it's evident from every angle. Enough of me .. this is your blog, not mine :)

In Christ,
John

\vinj&kath said...

Tara, I have been checking your blog alot too. I am so glad ot hear form you. You are always in my heart, praying for alot. Thanx for posting and sharing.
I was sick right up untill Seth was born, the Docotor gave me somthing called Diclectin, which I took until the end:) If you can find it it would help you through the nausia and helps you not throw up as much.
I pray God contiues to surround you, and embrace you!
Love Kathryn

Aaron and Jenny Meredith said...

Hi Tara,

I know we've never met, but i'm blessed to have been introduced to your blog. What a testimony you are of a person who has such authentic faith in the Lord. There is so much to be learned from you. My husband and I pray for you and your family just about every evening. Words cannot express, but we just care about your situation so much. May God continue to hold your heart and your babies. We will pray for your sickness to subside! My sister is pregnant with her first and definitely understands your pain. Bless you.

Jenny

andrea said...

I love you lots and miss you already!! (ha I told you I'd comment)!! I can't wait to see you soon again! I hope you know you encouraged me so much in the past few days. Give Jacob a big kiss and your mommy a big hug!

Mandi Bartel said...

I was just reading that verse yesterday...a few verses before "we are hard pressed on every side, BUT NOT CRUSHED' preplexed BUT NOT IN DESPAIR; persecuted BUT NOT ABANDONED; struck down, but NOT DESTROYED...for we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus' sake, so that his life may be revealed in our mortal body... life is at work in you!"

love you and I'm going to call you soon

Barclee Hugg"able" said...

"God has just led me to embrace my tears, cry when I need to, knowing that he will sustain me, he'll shape me and mold my grief into something beautiful and useful for him. "

this is one of the most impacting things, i have ever read. we pray for you every night.♥

Kristin said...

I love you buddy and am so privileged to count you as my friend. I have also been thinking often about what if he were looking over our shoulders as we go about the days... it has encouraged me to keep on fighting the good fight in this weird time. And it is so weird.

I hope Jakey likes his fish.. you can tell him it's from Nah-nah. : )

Anonymous said...

Soda crackers and ginger-ale! thats what I lived off of when I was baby sick!! I felt like an old lady pulling crackers and ginger-ale out of my purse when I was shopping or what ever, but it worked!!
We're praying for your physical and emotion strength, and also for Jacob and baby?
Love Renee and Daniel

Shelly and Jared said...

Even though you'ver heard it a million times, I thought a million - and - one wouldn't hurt...Preston's death is changing lives. I know Jared and I being changed, and in turn, Maggie Jane will too.
Love you! Shelly