Monday, October 27, 2008

A week away

I am so bad at regularly blogging, but then again what is regular in the blogging world? I was in Canada for a week visiting my family. My mom is staying with me and the Jakester and she needed to go back so we came with her.  I was nervous to go because I felt like I was going to leave "Preston and my" life here, or what was our life, but when I got there it wasn't like that at all.  I actually felt refreshed! I have far more memories of growing up than I do of Preston and I in my hometown and in my parents house so it felt good to get away.  I was able to spend time with close friends and family and had an enjoyable time.  Jacob LOVES my sister Malory, he calls her "Mal Mal" and goes crazy when he gets to spend time with her. One night he was all calm sitting with me in bed reading stories when Mal gets home and comes in...well jake goes, "MAL MAL!!" Jumps off the bed and starts dancing in excitement.  Hey, I don't mind at all, it's adorable!

So you know how you hear about the "stages of grief?" I don't really get it because there are  a number of stages and they all make sense, but they're broad .  In reality I feel I go through every emotion known to man at different times throughout my day, every day.  But lately I have been slightly angry.... I don't mean I punch a pillow every evening until the feathers fly out, although that might be fun, but anger that is built up inside.  Angry at being alone, angry at having to be so dependent on others - losing some of my independence, and angry at seeing everyone else go back to their normal routines, knowing I won't.  I have forced myself to deal with my anger before bed each night.  I'll journal about it and read my Bible and/or talk to those close to me, especially God and every time I walk away feeling better then I did walking in, that's a good thing right!?  These are all such new feelings that it's easy to feel so stupid for getting angry or sad and I could see how one could be in denial that they feel this way and ignore it, and I don't want that to happen to me. Why not allow the Lord to mold each feeling into something useful for Him? The journey hurts so bad, but the result is beautiful, even if that final result ends up being eternal life.

I read this quote from Oswald Chambers that said, "Invest your faith
in the character of God" So simple, yet so utterly complex because we
have such difficulty doing it!
However it is so beautiful when we do put our trust entirely in the Lord.
I've found that I have gotten to know him so much better (because I've
actually tried to) and it has given me something to be thankful for
during this time, the more I know God the more I am able to trust in
Him. I encourage everyone no matter what you're going through, if life is wonderful or if it's falling apart, to get to know who the God of the Bible is and ask him to be part of your life. He's real and beyond anything I could ever describe. If God could be described in a paragraph would he really seem that incredible?  I know from experience and from seeing him work so intricately in my life and the lives of those around me that he is a GREAT God. 

I've also been encouraged by the life of Jesus, He was called to what seemed absolute disaster, and look at the good that came from his life and especially death? Eternal life and a relationship with God is HUGE!  Pain was but a moment in the big picture.  

And in baby news, I felt the baby kick today!!!! I am 16 weeks which was the same time I felt it with Jake! It is such an incredible experience, and such a joy for me right now.  I find out the sex in November and I think it's going to be a girl, but if it is a boy I'll love it with all my heart too! 

Well I am exhausted and need to sleep! Thanks for loving and supporting me, never be afraid to ask how I am doing, I'd rather ppl say something, than nothing at all!


Mandi Bartel said...

Wishing I could give you a hug! It's always a blessing to hear what is on your heart.

Hope to talk soon :)

ashleyalvina said...

hi Tara! Thank you SO much for continuing to update us on how you are doing. What a relief and blessing to hear that your time at home was a good one for you, and that baby#2 is doing well :)

I loved your honesty here and the reminder to continually bring our hearts and emotions to Christ. You are proof that He is strong and able to carry us.

with love,

Anonymous said...

Its great to hear your thoughts. Thank you for being so honest and sharing so others can be blessed. I hope you got your package in the mail that the Brownwood MOPS group sent you. We love you lots and are praying for you. Jessica Noble

Erin said...

hey tara,

how exciting that you felt the baby kick!! are you going to let people know what you are having, or keep it a secret?

melody said...

Hey Tara, I am so excited to go trick-or-treating with you and Jacob, and Ali, and Kristin, and Jonathan, and Susannah, and Kevin! Ha! We will be quite the crowd. I really can't wait to see you though, and Ali too. I think about you guys constantly.

John said...

Tara, I'm glad to see you came back :) Kelly and I think about you lots and pray for you lots. Take care of yourself and if Jacob wants some friends to play with, you guys can come over and Dustin & Jayden would love to play with him!

We (by we I mean Kelly) would love to cook you dinner if you'd like and we could chat and worship our Savior together. Just let Kelly know if you're interested ... the offer is always open.

Love in Christ
John and Kelly

Anonymous said...

Thanks for sharing, and for your open, honest approach to your grief process. We are all encouraged and guided by the way you have reflected Christ! I've been checking your blog and facebook on and off for updates, and I continue to keep you guys in my prayers. What an amazing quote. I read it several times before it really started to sink in. First I read it and it and completely skipped it mentally, then went back and thought. Great quote.

Blessings, Donna Leathers

Andrea Peters said...

i was up in canada last week too and it made me happie to know you were there! i'm excited to hear about your little kicker... that's going by so quick! give a big hug to jacob for me and one for yourself too! love you lots!!!

Barclee Hugg"able" said...

thank you for that.
remember, your changing lives.

lindseybear said...

hey! it's great to hear how you're doing, it gives me a better handle on how to pray for you...sometimes I just don't know what to say...but I want to say something :) I miss seeing you so much. Please know that because of Preston's death, things will never go back to what they were for's a struggle sometimes, but I'm determined that my relationship with the Lord will get deeper daily due to you and Preston's example. Love you so much!

\vinj&kath said...

Hey Tara, really good to hear how you're doing. I am thinking of you lots. Praying always.
16 weeks is earliy to feel the baby! Thats awesome! Excited to hear what the baby is! Hope your "morning" sickness is subsiding.

Murray's Corner said...

Thanks for keeping the blogging world updated with your incredible life journey! Everyday I have a routine of which blogs/sites I check and yours is one of them and everytime I see a new post from you I'm excited!!