So you know how you hear about the "stages of grief?" I don't really get it because there are a number of stages and they all make sense, but they're broad . In reality I feel I go through every emotion known to man at different times throughout my day, every day. But lately I have been slightly angry.... I don't mean I punch a pillow every evening until the feathers fly out, although that might be fun, but anger that is built up inside. Angry at being alone, angry at having to be so dependent on others - losing some of my independence, and angry at seeing everyone else go back to their normal routines, knowing I won't. I have forced myself to deal with my anger before bed each night. I'll journal about it and read my Bible and/or talk to those close to me, especially God and every time I walk away feeling better then I did walking in, that's a good thing right!? These are all such new feelings that it's easy to feel so stupid for getting angry or sad and I could see how one could be in denial that they feel this way and ignore it, and I don't want that to happen to me. Why not allow the Lord to mold each feeling into something useful for Him? The journey hurts so bad, but the result is beautiful, even if that final result ends up being eternal life.
I've also been encouraged by the life of Jesus, He was called to what seemed absolute disaster, and look at the good that came from his life and especially death? Eternal life and a relationship with God is HUGE! Pain was but a moment in the big picture.
And in baby news, I felt the baby kick today!!!! I am 16 weeks which was the same time I felt it with Jake! It is such an incredible experience, and such a joy for me right now. I find out the sex in November and I think it's going to be a girl, but if it is a boy I'll love it with all my heart too!
Well I am exhausted and need to sleep! Thanks for loving and supporting me, never be afraid to ask how I am doing, I'd rather ppl say something, than nothing at all!