I guess I just expected to be stronger this week. I know I don't have to be, no one expects me to, and yet I put those expectations on myself. Maybe I just want to be stronger.
As the week progressed we had good and bad moments... ok I did, Jake thought it was great to have mommy all to himself! Aside from the emptiness I felt without Preston, I realized more than ever just how overwhelming it is to be a single parent! I have always admired single parents, and now I do on a far greater scale because it's hard work!!! You have to be super efficient or you won't ever have a spare minute for yourself - which is so valuable! Putting things away immediately after you use them, staying on top of laundry and dishes and cleaning and changing all the diapers... and being the permanent playmate (which was all I wished I could do). You're probably thinking, mom's do this stuff all the time with a husband! And while that is very true, maybe I just feel overcome with the fact that it's all me all the time to be the responsible one...I got so used to the mindset of, oh when Preston comes home he can help me with this or play with Jake while I do that or at least we could carry the load together!
So i mention all the negative stuff... I am so encouraging aren't I?! But I can honestly say that although this was one of the toughest weeks since September I am glad I went through it because I learned alot! And as interesting (maybe) as the reality of our week was, the things I learnt are what truly made an impact in my life and will carry me into tomorrow... It was a refining week. Someone shared this verse with me, and boy was it a wake up call...
Romans 12:12 "Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, and faithful in prayer"
I am joyful in hope, that is what gets me through each day. But I am not patient in affliction!! And not as faithful in prayer as I'd like. Life can be brutal and so often I am overcome with intense and very real emotion and while I know God is growing me it is often hard to understand what he can do with such "rawness." But what an incredible and "simple" reminder to be patient while he works (b/c I KNOW he is doing something great in me). I mean duhh Tara! But so easier said then done! When I say to God, "ok I'm finished, this is not what I had planned" I feel God in all his grace say, "I know my child" and then he holds my hand or carries me through "the fire" (namely this week) and on the other side, my faith is refined and God is magnified; and that brings me joy. Once again, God has remained faithful.
One of the main reasons why I blog is that I am so passionate about the God that sustains me each day and brings me joy amidst the pain, I would be so empty without him. And I pray that anyone who reads my blog can see the incredible power of God as he actively works in my life and that God will use something I've said to draw you [closer] to himself. The experiences of life, whether everyday events or terrifying ones are powerless to separate me from the love of God and I so desperately want that for you.
The week ended on a sweet note, my sister did arrive on Friday morning much to our delight! It was also Jake's second birthday so we had an incredible day celebrating him! (i'll have to post pictures later) And thank you SO much for your continued prayers and words of encouragment and even humor, you'll never know how much you guys have made an impact on me.