Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Reality check!

The last week has been really great, my family was all here and I felt like I did so little in the way of being a mom! My sister, mom and dad were all so awesome about playing with Jake that when I compared this week to the week we had by ourselves it was a tremendous difference! Although we did get food poisoning and that was just gross! It came the morning of Jake's birthday, but thankfully he hadn't eaten what we had and he had an incredible party! My mom is still staying with me now until I have the baby and after until I'm ready to let her go! Right now I can't even comprehend how I could do the single mother life by myself but I know as God heals he will prepare me.

I have been thinking ALOT about our new sweet baby boy who will hopefully be arriving in three weeks or sometime within that time frame! I am 37weeks now so I'm ok with him coming anytime:) I have a mix of emotions racing through me... I definitely want my body back! I want to be able to roll over in bed in one turn and I want to be able to bend over without grunting, I would also prefer to only see the toilet a few times a day, not once an hour and I'm looking forward to running around with Jake without waddling!

Today I finished packing my hospital bag.... it was sure bittersweet, maybe it felt a little more bitter than sweet! The last time I did this, two years ago, Preston was here and I packed for him as well. We were so overcome with excitement and had no idea what to expect, but we just knew it was going to be the beginning of a great adventure and we were doing it together - that was the most exciting part - meandhim. So as I gathered stuff from around the house to throw into a suitcase (I don't pack lightly to go anywhere) I was overcome with sweet memories and then slapped with the reality that life is so different now. It is moments like this where I cling to God with all I have because it would be so easy to sink below the waters of grief. But the sweet part: I am SO SO EXCITED to meet our little boy, what gra
ce from God. I am so thankful God has given me this gift in a child, what hope in him! I remember when Jake was born and I first held him, he looked up at me with his giant blue eyes and while he was probably thinking what the heck just happened, it was those few seconds of bonding that will forever be embedded in my mind, words can't describe. And I look forward to that again.
I am bringing a picture of Preston and I from our wedding to have in the room with me. We are looking at one another with such passion, love and excitement for the future. We were beginning a new life together...and while this next chapter in my life begins without him I know that he is still loving me from afar and the man that I knew him to be will inspire me to hopefully push that much harder (ha ha). Here is the picture....
I have been able to move on a little bit more in the practical areas of life... I had left Preston's clothes and toiletries untouched, and I was just waiting for when I would be emotionally ready to move them.... that day finally came this week. It wasn't any specific reason why, I just felt ready, although I sat on the decision for a few days just to make sure it was the right one and not a "nesting" moment! Yesterday I finished and it ended up being far less emotional (in a negative way) than I had thought it might be, It was joyful emotion, probably because i was ready. I would go through his shirts and remember, this one he hated, this one he only wore cause I liked it, this one he LOVED and this one he wore when we were dating.... I wrote a few notes full of the memories attached to the item and put them in the pockets.

So this week was mostly a great week, when I had my rough spots God lead me to a verse in Psalms that says, "The Lords faithfulness overwhelms the one who trusts in him" - Ps 32:10 I love that picture! I would like to be overwhelmed with God more and more....
Please pray that God will sustain me these next few weeks and prepare me emotionally and in every way that I will need for this sweet baby's arrival!

Here are some pics of our week....

Jakes first NBA game!

Aunty Mal and Jake as cats!

I love you baby! 36wks

My family

Jakes party!

He has a "small" obsession with basketball (ba ketball)


Barclee said...

our prayers are still with you everyday. you will do amazing with this baby! :)

Thena said...

Brought me to tears. Prayers that you will have a easy delivery and and Mom and baby will be fine.

April Swarthout said...

Praying for GOD to just put his hands on you and confront you in these next few weeks for calmness to over come you.


Mandi Bartel said...

This post brought me to tears too! You have such a way of bearing it all in your words, but with an incredible amount of grace. I can almost picture you writing your thoughts out. :)

You'll be in my prayers these next few weeks as you prepare.

I love that picture of you and Preston! Whenever I think of your wedding I remember the rings being stuck inside that shell and that huge branch falling from the tree just before you walked down the aisle! And I also remember that song that he sang to you...so beautiful.

You are amazing...and I don't say that lightly! You really are.

Anonymous said...

thinking about u all the time! i hope you have a good delivery and i cannot wait to hear that he is here :)


Renee said...

you're looking awesome tara!! praying for strength for you emotionally and physically as your body prepares for the next few weeks!! your going to push that baby out like nobodys business!! haha!

Anonymous said...

tara, my friend, i am so excited for you.. this little one is going to be such a blessing, along with not having to pee as much. i love that picture of you and preston, i definitely remember that moment so well. that look of love in your guys eyes is so intense.

love you and praying for you in the next coming weeks

Anonymous said...

You, Jake & new baby boy are in my prayers. It's been said, but your blogs bring me to tears, as well. The grace & emotion with which you write is incredible. Thank you for sharing with all and inpiring me.
~Courtney G.

Among All Nations said...

Tara, you are in my prayers!! Can't wait to "meet" your new little guy :) Happy Birthday to Jake!

Anonymous said...

Tara, we don't know each other but I feel the need to let you know how sorry I'm for your loss. I can only imagine the suffering...I wish you the best of luck, hope God gives you the courage to carry on with your lives!!!
What a wonderful mother you have, happy she's there with you!
I'll follow the news....
Good luck & lot's of caring hugs,
Marisia ( a portuguese living in the north of Sweden)

Kelly said...

I blog hopped here and had to go back and read about your hubby. I know it doesn't bring him back, but they way he died - saving someone else - is a true testament to him and to you too. (((HUGS)))

Ginger said...

Just checking to see how you are doing. Sorry to hear you had food poisoning. Yuck. Not good.
Happy Birthday to Jake. He looks like he is enjoying his party.
Sweet picture of you and Preston at your wedding.
Time is getting close for the birth, I hope you have an easy labor. Well, as easy as labor can be. lol.

Krystal Schriner(Slade at bbc) said...

Tara! I just wanted to let you know I just had my baby boy #2 on March 8.. 12 days early!! My first boy was born April 12th and is almost 2.. I have been following your blog since Sept.. and am excited for your baby boy #2 too.. but beware... it may be soon!! another friend of mine had baby #2 14 days early... I want to try to add u on facebook and keep in touch.. I know its been years since bbc.. but with boys so close in age I'd love to chat!! PRAYING FOR YOU!!!