Six months...

Today marks six months since I lost the love of my life...  Usually I try not to notice the 15th of every month, but it's really hard not to, doesn't it seem when you try not to notice something you always do? I remember when the accident first happened (by the way, I posted my first blog in Sept on the side for those of you who haven't read it) and I thought that day would last forever and now here I am, six months later and still alive....it was hard to imagine how I'd survive. 

What a journey, you just never know what will happen tomorrow that will change the rest of your life.  Six months has actually been a really hard place for me, as noted by some of my other posts.  But I still have hope and that's the only way I move onto tomorrow with JOY.

The past few days have been super emotional because I miss Preston so deeply. I have been experiencing flashbacks to the night of the accident... and the worst parts of it...all of the blood and the moment I realized he had been hit. It's like a knife in my heart over and over and literally it just makes me want to barf - isn't that a pretty mental picture? The best way to describe what it is like to have flashbacks is to imagine yourself in a room with images of "that day" all over the walls and when you try to get out there is no door. I literally screamed (in my head) "Jesus, please stop this!!!" and then I try to think of every happy memory, but it doesn't stop immediatly. Some ppl say it's healthy to have flashbacks, but I can't see the health in it! ha! Maybe if I think about the hope that I have in seeing Prest again that will help next time.

I have just been craving Preston!! I want so desperately to talk to him, to touch him. You know there are things you only share with your husband or wife?  Or the intimate moments between the two of you that no on in the whole world would understand? Marriage for me was such a beautiful experience.  Both Preston and I had the mindset that if we are in this for life why not try to make it the absolute BEST we can? And the outcome was always amazing... the difficult moments made us stronger and the joyful moments brought us closer. I know that we were only married for four and half short years, but I can honestly say that I fell more in love with Preston each day. I would have told you this regardless if he had died or not.  I owe alot of our marriage success to him and his faith in the Lord, when we had a disagreement I am the type to run away and talk later! But Prest would gently hold me by the shoulders, looking me in the eyes and say, "Can we please deal with this now?" and how could I say no? He was so dang sweet! And we did, we'd talk it right through and then be better for it.  Preston and I were entirely transparent with each other, nothing kept secret nothing left quiet. Don't think I'm saying life was perfect, every couple has their trials, but I can say with confidence that we tried with all of our hearts.  I cherish those memories, but I would really like Preston to come back! 

I am due with our sweet baby boy in the next few weeks and I am reminded of the promise that there is life after death.  I will always be thankful of the hope that one day I will be in the presence of our almighty God and be reunited with Preston, but what a hope this little boy is in this life! I can't wait to meet him and name him... (b/c alas I still have no definite name!)  I love that although there are many storms in life God in all his mercy and grace provides us with many, many beautiful moments. 

I walk confidently into the days ahead only because of Jesus Christ. He has been my constant source of strength, peace and joy amidst the storm. I don't just need God in my life, I want him! He is the God who gives ecstatic joy, far more incredible than anything this world has to offer. 

I will forever be changed because of the death of the most amazing man I've ever known!  

Because of who Preston was and with God's help I will be ok and even better than ok in the days ahead.  I know that when I deliberately and daily receive the lavish, unreasonable, unfailing love of God all the way into my soul he will make me whole again. And that excites me.