Sunday, March 15, 2009

Six months...




Today marks six months since I lost the love of my life...  Usually I try not to notice the 15th of every month, but it's really hard not to, doesn't it seem when you try not to notice something you always do? I remember when the accident first happened (by the way, I posted my first blog in Sept on the side for those of you who haven't read it) and I thought that day would last forever and now here I am, six months later and still alive....it was hard to imagine how I'd survive. 
What a journey, you just never know what will happen tomorrow that will change the rest of your life.  Six months has actually been a really hard place for me, as noted by some of my other posts.  But I still have hope and that's the only way I move onto tomorrow with JOY.

The past few days have been super emotional because I miss Preston so deeply. I have been experiencing flashbacks to the night of the accident... and the worst parts of it...all of the blood and the moment I realized he had been hit. It's like a knife in my heart over and over and literally it just makes me want to barf - isn't that a pretty mental picture? The best way to describe what it is like to have flashbacks is to imagine yourself in a room with images of "that day" all over the walls and when you try to get out there is no door. I literally screamed (in my head) "Jesus, please stop this!!!" and then I try to think of every happy memory, but it doesn't stop immediatly. Some ppl say it's healthy to have flashbacks, but I can't see the health in it! ha! Maybe if I think about the hope that I have in seeing Prest again that will help next time.

I have just been craving Preston!! I want so desperately to talk to him, to touch him. You know there are things you only share with your husband or wife?  Or the intimate moments between the two of you that no on in the whole world would understand? Marriage for me was such a beautiful experience.  Both Preston and I had the mindset that if we are in this for life why not try to make it the absolute BEST we can? And the outcome was always amazing... the difficult moments made us stronger and the joyful moments brought us closer. I know that we were only married for four and half short years, but I can honestly say that I fell more in love with Preston each day. I would have told you this regardless if he had died or not.  I owe alot of our marriage success to him and his faith in the Lord, when we had a disagreement I am the type to run away and talk later! But Prest would gently hold me by the shoulders, looking me in the eyes and say, "Can we please deal with this now?" and how could I say no? He was so dang sweet! And we did, we'd talk it right through and then be better for it.  Preston and I were entirely transparent with each other, nothing kept secret nothing left quiet. Don't think I'm saying life was perfect, every couple has their trials, but I can say with confidence that we tried with all of our hearts.  I cherish those memories, but I would really like Preston to come back! 

I am due with our sweet baby boy in the next few weeks and I am reminded of the promise that there is life after death.  I will always be thankful of the hope that one day I will be in the presence of our almighty God and be reunited with Preston, but what a hope this little boy is in this life! I can't wait to meet him and name him... (b/c alas I still have no definite name!)  I love that although there are many storms in life God in all his mercy and grace provides us with many, many beautiful moments. 

I walk confidently into the days ahead only because of Jesus Christ. He has been my constant source of strength, peace and joy amidst the storm. I don't just need God in my life, I want him! He is the God who gives ecstatic joy, far more incredible than anything this world has to offer. 
I will forever be changed because of the death of the most amazing man I've ever known!  
Because of who Preston was and with God's help I will be ok and even better than ok in the days ahead.  I know that when I deliberately and daily receive the lavish, unreasonable, unfailing love of God all the way into my soul he will make me whole again. And that excites me.

17 comments:

Vinjelu and Kathryn Muyaba said...

tara thank you for sharing, it's amazing to hear your heart, you inspire me and my husband to make it the best we can. Thank you. I am with you on the naming your baby... I think it is one of the hardest decisions... But I stressed about seth's name... but as soon as he came out I knew his name, and while giving birth I was thinking if it was a a boy I would have no clue what to name him!

John said...

Every time I read your posts, I miss Preston right along side you. Of course not as uniquely as you do, but your pain is shared. You're not alone in this, Tara.

I see the light of Christ in you and am grateful for having known you and Preston. I have been watching you grow and heal, and look forward to your posts.

God bless you, sister!

Kathleen said...

Tara,
Three years ago my mother-in-law had a massive heart attack in my basement and passed away. I am a nurse and gave her CPR before the EMS and paramedics got there. She looked right at and said, "I am going to die" before she became unresponsive. I lived all those moments over and over in my head for months and months.

Slowly over the past three years those memories have faded and have given way to the memories of her sitting on the floor rolling a ball with my then two year old, the belly laughs we shared because she would always burn the rolls in the oven, and the love that she had for us. I know that Preston was far more to you but my prayer is that God will slowly take your memories of his death and replace them with the memories of the extraordinary life that you shared together.

In Him,

Kathleen

Chillin' with Lemonade said...

Dear one,

At my 6th month mark, I could not believe it had been 6 months. I have found that the more I talk about that day and the accident, the more real it becomes. Some say, that is good.

You will be in my prayers. Your honesty and the Hope that you hold onto are inspiring.

Laurie said...

Tara,

I'm coming out of "lurkdom" to tell you how much I admire your strength and your hope. You are an amazingly strong and beautiful woman. I feel like I've known you forever just by the way you so transparently share your heart here. You truly honor Preston's life and legacy with your words and by continually pointing to the Author of Life. My heart breaks for you and yet, I am excited to see what the Lord has in store for you and your boys. Thank you for sharing your life with "strangers." God bless!

Anonymous said...

I look forward to your posts, checking in all the time to see if something new has been written. You are my hero! You are amazing! I cannot believe it has been 6 months already. Seems like just last week we were in portland. we really want to come back to see the baby when you have him, so once things settle down maybe we can make some plans?! We love you and cannot wait to hear about your babies arrival! my heart is still with you - everyday, thinking of u all the time! LOVE YOU
STEF

Anonymous said...

praying for you today Tara! lots of love, daniel and renee

Beth said...

Tara,
You probably don't remember me. We went to BBC together 02/03 year. I remember Preston, cause I was in LA, You and I might have had a Few classes together, you do look familiar. I Heard about Preston, and was shocked. I can not believe how amazingly strong you are. I am in awwe of how you are doing this. I hope and Pray that as your new baby comes you will be filled with an amazing Joy. I wish I could help you out more than Just Pray for you, but I think that is the best any of us can do. The Lord is good and it sounds as if you have an amazing support around you.
stay strong.

Bonnie said...

Love you, Tara. So proud of you and you are an inspiration to me.

Tara said...

Tara,

I am one of Bonnie's good friends and Laurel E.(Josh's wife) and I grew up together and she was (still is) one of my best friends all my life. Anyway, it's a small world.

I just wanted to tell you that I pray for you everyday. I just had my second baby and I try to pray for you and Bonnie each time I get up in the night to feed my daughter. I know you two have been and encouragement to each other and everyone who knows your stories.

I look forward to reading all about you growing family!

Dell5 said...

I am new to your blog and I just wanted you to know I am saying a prayer for you and your precious children. You are carrying yourself with such grace and you are a great example to many of God's strength and love. Can't wait to meet the new baby. I will check in on you again.

Jen (a.k.a. motor mouth) said...

everytime I read your blog, I cry and laugh at the same time. You have a unique ability to write that way! It's a gift.
I'm praying for you Tara & Jacob, and I think of you often. Let me know if you need anything!
Jen

Ginger said...

Just checking in to see how you are doing. You are such a beautiful gal. I'm glad everything is going well with the pregnancy. I think everything that you are feeling is so "normal" for what you've been through.
Take care.
Ginger

Anonymous said...

Hi Tara,
I have been praying for you for the last 6 months. I am Tim's mom and you are very much in my heart almost daily. It's been 9 months for me since my husband went to be with the Lord. I sometimes ask the Lord why it is so hard at times to miss him so much. But I have marvelled at how God has met my every need in these months. I agree that God is always faithful and looks after so many details. He has truly carried me and will continue to carry you. I thank you for having the courage to blog your thoughts and victories. You are making a difference.
Held by Christ's love, E.R.

Becky said...

Tara-
This is Bonnie's sister, Becky. She has told me so much about you and how wonderful it is to have someone to connect with through all of this. We have been praying for you and your pregnancy. I can't imagine what you are going through. I am so sorry you are having to relive those moments. I am continuing to pray for you and your amazing strenght. I pray that God will walk you through all of these moments. He knows you cannot do it alone and He will provide you with strength. I love you and am so happy Bonnie and you have found each other. It will be so amazing when we are all re-united with Thomas and Preston in Heaven. I love you and am praying.

Anonymous said...

I love to read your posts. I pray for you often and will never forget your words. Take care my friend and I look forward to seeing the new little life that is inside of you. Thank God for new mornings!!! Jessica N

Risa said...

Tara,
You probably don't remember me...but I was in a Bible study group for that Maya was leading for Multnomah students' wives in 2004 and met you a few times. My name is Risa and if I told you that I'm Japanese, that might help a little...
Anyway, I've known the news of the accident and you have been in my prayers. Thank you for sharing your journey so openly, and I look forward to reading more.
Praying for the safe delivery of your second baby!
Risa