The question I have received alot lately is, "How are you doing?" and ppl seem to phrase it in a very concerned and sympathetic tone that only cries, I can't imagine what this is like for you without Preston. And I am very appreciative of anyone caring! I try to answer them as best I can, but sometimes I feel like I should be more upset than I am or at least ppl expect me to be. Mind you, I have many moments where it feels like the world is crashing around me and I cannot imagine going on another minute let alone pushing out this baby and living afterwards! I'm nervous, but I am excited as well. It has never been, Preston, Jake, the baby and me so I won't have anything to compare it to like I do now. It will be sad in it's own way I have no doubts, but I'd like to see it as a new adventure. I had the baby blues with Jacob (a milder form of postpartum) for about a month so I am expecting it again, but I am trying my best to focus on the cup being half full, however, realizing it will be difficult.
Isn't it true how we always try to plan for the unknown? Even what course our emotions will run? You can see how my mind is racing, trying to prepare myself for the good, the bad and the ugly! But in reality there is only so much I can do. I'm sure I can even damage myself by thinking too much, wait I know I can! God reminded me of this last night as I had my quiet time with him. Slow down girl! How have you survived the past 7 months? Has it been by me planning how I would respond to the next days events? Not at all, especially b/c it never goes as I imagined it would! I trusted in God! With all his unfailing love and mercy he has sustained and strengthened me! And it's almost embarrassing that he had to remind me of this again. He sent me such a overwhelming peace that softly whispered, "I'm going to take care of you, just like I have been doing" It was one of those, "DUHH" moments! I absolutely love love love that God never changes, though our circumstances change moment by moment he does not. He is the same yesterday, today and forever and I'm really praying that one day knowing this truth will just become so second nature that I never have to be reminded again.
Alot of this "trying" to plan for the upcoming week stems from Friday. I thought I was leaking amniotic fluid so I called the advice nurse who sent me straight to the hospital, just in case it was fluid. I was so nervous, I was walking into the unknown and as I packed Jake's snack bag (he was coming until we knew exactly what was happening) I was intensely quiet, shaken with emotion. We got there and they tested for fluid, and it turned out, I had just peed my pants!!!!! Oh my goodness! I just went to the hospital because I peed my stinkin pants! How embarrassing! But I swear to this moment I'm pretty sure I can feel when I pee my pants, how could I not know this day? All in all it was slightly humorous (after the fact!) a good trial run to the hospital, and an even better reminder to keep my eyes on Jesus, especially in the rush.
Jake is doing pretty good with the prospect of having a little brother, he seems to go through ups and downs, he is human after all! I'd love to get inside his head and see how much he actually understands though! I think he believes my belly is not called a belly, it's called baby. He loves the bobby (the nursing pillow) and watches t.v while sitting in it, so after I told him it was for the baby (oops) he let me know he did not want baby, "no baby" he says, I asked, but why Jake? He responded with "baby cry!" As he imitates a crying baby. I love that boy!
I will try to update the blog shortly after he arrives, and facebook as well, but who knows what will happen:) Thanks for ALL your prayers and sweet words!