Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Labor and Life

Thanks for ALL your sweet comments:) I really do wish I could get back to each of you personally, but I barely find the time to write on here! Please know I read each word and take them to heart.  
Labor was as good as labor could go! I most definitely felt God's presence right from the start. Can I tell you how weird it was to wake up and know that today would be the day I meet my son?! It was bizarre, but also entirely amazing.  I had the time to do my hair and make up! ha ha how superficial is that? but let's be real, the labor pictures follow you for life! 
It was a little surreal going to the hospital with my sister instead of with Preston, I am SO thankful that she was there, but there lurked a hint of sadness.  I got all hooked up to my drugs and the contractions started fast and got more intense far quicker than with Jake.  I got the epideral before they broke my water because after that water breaks so does the pain scale - ouch!! And shortly after that things went fast and after pushing for ten minutes (praise the Lord!) out came Micah Preston! And you know what? I had no idea what his name was even when he was born... I thought for sure that when I saw him I would know, but I didn't! It took me three hours... It was between Micah and August and I figured August was just too seasonal.. (ha ha) 
I chose Micah because it has a great meaning - "who is like God?" Micah from the Bible was known for how he would always say, "who is like God? no one!" and I can sure identify with that the past seven months! And also, a verse that I love from Micah that I chose to "staple" onto my childs life:) Micah 6:8
      "He has showed you, O man, what is good. 
       And what does the LORD require of you? 
       To act justly and to love mercy 
       and to walk humbly with your God."
Preston lived his life like this and I constantly pray this for both my boys. I know Preston would have and is doing the same.
Micah was very small, he was only a few days early, but completely healthy! I know that there was no confusion as to when I got pregnant, but somewhere around 35-36 weeks I started to measure small and found out through ultrasound that baby was perfectly healthy, but was just a little guy. People have been asking why he was small, so the answer: no reason! I was also tiny at birth.

I wasn't able to look at the pictures I had brought to the hospital of Preston because it was far too emotional and I needed to focus on the task at hand! I had thought it might encourage me, but I was wrong! I am glad that in the couple weeks before i had Micah I was able to deal with the emotions of not having Preston there for the birth.  On the day of labor I had total peace and was ok that this was my reality, and that itself was a gift from God!  I was so blessed to be surrounded with so many people who love me. I made a commentto my "support crew" that I had peace on this day, but that it broke my heart that this child was entering this world without a daddy.  And Kristin responded by saying, "But Tara, this child is entering the world with SO much more love than many kids!" How very true! 

I was very eager to leave the hospital, although the nurses and doctors were AMAZING! I was just ready to get back to reality and deal with what lay ahead.  However this week I felt strangled in a web of emotion.  I am sure that the sleep depravation and hormones are not helping!!  Micah is truly a wonderful baby, he sleeps great, far more than jake did! I actually have to wake him at night to feed him.  He seems to enjoy "going potty" while I'm changing him, but truly, it has given me a good laugh and I need that now.  
So I am beyond thankful that Micah is mostly an easy baby (for now anyway!) because the emotion that comes with having a child and my circumstances are trying to take over my life! 

In a way I feel as if emotionally I have relived the accident all over again - in the sense that I am so intensely aware of what I lost. I have felt angry that Preston won't ever hold his sweet little boy, and overwhelmed at the concept of two kids and ONE parent. When you have two kids you feel more like a family, don't ask me why I just do and then I'm slapped in the face with the reality that Preston is gone....forever and I will never ever be that family that I had once imagined and that such a short time ago was going to be my reality. 

These are my raw, rough, ugly emotions that race through me and try to take me down each day, but...there is a good side to it all.  Throughout this week God has remained faithful.  I have said an encouraging Bible verse over and over and over and over and over..... (you get my point) just to make it through my day.  It gives me peace and confidence that while this really does stink, that God is bigger than my problems, he is sovereign - in complete control of my life and that he truly does work everything out for the good of those who love him. I trust this without doubt... it doesn't mean I'm not frustrated that this all happened, I just know God's plans are greater than mine and he loves me and my boys desperately.  When my world crashes around me, God is able to strengthen my faith and make it unshakeable. 
A couple of the verses that kept me going this week were, 

"Cast your cares on the LORD 
       and he will sustain you" - Psalm 55:22

"He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength..." 

God is good


sidenote: I updated my shutterfly account: check it out here or to the link on the side for recent pics!

13 comments:

Erin said...

Such a great name, and such a great verse!! I am so happy that Micah arrived safe and sound :)

Anonymous said...

Thanks for the update, Tara! We were worried about you. So many changes and so little time in a day, I'm sure! We're praying for you! Hard not to look back, but SO much to look forward to! How's Jake liking being a big brother?

Shawna said...

Hey Tara, I wish I could just give you a big hug, your words really make me take a look at my life and realize how much deeper I need to go with God and how much more I need to trust him. Thank you for sharing your journey with us and know that me and my family are praying for you and thinking of you and loving you. Love every minute that little Micha is small because it goes by too fast!
Love Shawna

Renee said...

I can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me. Phil 4:13
praying that God will give you the sleep and energy you need for each day!!! You'r boys are truely blessed to have such a godly mom!
Love (and hugs!)
renee

Sarah H. said...

Praying for you still. Micah is beautiful! Congratulations!

Vinjelu and Kathryn Muyaba said...

Hey Tara, thanx for the update. I was wondering how labour went for you. And it sounds like it was ok, I mean how good can it be right! :)

I love the name Micah, and the verse is a great inspiration, my husband was given a verse when he was baptized (he became a christian later in life) but that one verse has meant so much to him so many times.

I think of you alot, and pray for God's strength to continually be with you everyday and night!

Anonymous said...

Congratulations Micah is adorable
May the Lord continue to wrap his loving arms around you all.

Em
from Australia

Jen (a.k.a. motor mouth) said...

Congratualtions! Kristins comment made me cry, it's so true!! I'm continuing to lift you and your sweet boys in prayer!
Jen

Amy said...

You're amazing, Tara! And it sounds like the insurance stuff sorted itself out. That's wonderful.

Bonnie said...

Tara! Just saw this post! I have so many feelings going through me as I read your thoughts. Just know I love you and I pray for you and we both know God is in control, even when we feel completely out of control. Let's talk soon!

Teener said...

Hey its Tina, from church. Im soooooo glad Micah is safe and healthy. I pray for you all the time! Check out my blog. It's called Teener's Life.

Teener said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
York Family said...

Tara,

My heart aches for you, but I KNOW that the Lord will sustain you. I am not sure why He has allowed such a tragedy in our lives, but I know that He is using us to lead others to Him in the midst of our grief. Please know that a girl in Texas is praying for you and your sweet babies. May you feel His presence abundantly today and in the days to come. Big hugs to you!