Sunday, May 17, 2009

Flying solo

The three of us!

It's such a beautiful day here! So what the heck am I doing blogging? I guess I'm having "me" time, the boys are asleep, I should be asleep, but I feel it's such a waste of a day.... I may hate myself for that later on... but oh well, I need to feel productive and this sounded more exciting than cleaning out the bathtub!

We had a slightly crazy week, my mom went home (she'll be staying with me until I think I can fly solo...which I can't imagine happening, but I know with time and God's working in my life I will). I was a little nervous, but mostly excited as I figured it would be a great time to bond with my two sweet boys and learn how to do this single mom thing... I have to try right?! The most difficult part was sleeping and just being downright exhausted! It always seemed that they wouldn't sleep at the same time therefore I didn't get to nap. And then the one day I called in a friend to help they both slept and she didn't have to do a thing! Although she did my laundry and for that I am forever grateful! I think God must receive the, "God HELP MY BABY SLEEP!" prayer a million times, but it doesn't ever stop me from praying it over and over...
My "sleepy" sweetheart

Speaking of sleep, Micah sleeps fairly well, the other night he did a 5hr stint! ya baby! However one night he woke up every 2hrs so like all of life it is very unpredictable.
I didn't get any "me" time this week, and I find "me" time totally valuable because it refreshes me so that I am ready for the next moments of life. Being a mom is absolutely amazing, but mom is not my only identity! A friend recently got me a gift from Origins and while I snuck in a shower after the kids went to bed I lathered my loofa with the sweet ginger scrub and all fell silent as I heard the angels singing the hallelujah chorus... sweet me time; who knew a shower could be so heavenly?
Jacob had such a hard time when my mom first left, he has a very close bond with her, which is sweet to witness, and I'm thankful he has her in his life, but it makes it that much harder when she leaves. He woke up screaming for her, and he has an incredibly LOUD cry so he'd better be a powerful singer when he's older to make up for the "performances" he gives now! He'd wake Micah too so then I'd have two to get back to sleep, yuck! But we did it!
One night, mothers day I think, Jake woke up several times... it was such a sad cry or a scared cry, hard to tell the difference. I went to comfort him and asked him what was wrong, but as his vocabulary is limited he just stared at me.. ha ha, poor kid! I asked, are you scared (the usual issue), "no" he said firmly, are you mad? "no" are you sad? "YA" I went on to say, "sweetie, do you miss someone?" figuring it would be "mamu" (grandma) and he said, "ya" I went through a list of the usual ppl he sees in his life and all were no's so i said, well Jake, who do you miss? He responded in such a light whisper... "Dada...." I had no words, I fell silent as I felt silly for not assuming that in the first place, I guess I just thought he's moved on more than he has. It broke my heart, but I don't really know and can't assume he was as devastated as he seemed. God watches over the fatherless so this was one issue I cannot worry about and just let God work in his little life.
I also experienced the jealous sibling! Jake had not acted jealous prior because he had all my mom's attention if he wasn't receiving mine. One day, I took them for a walk to the park and the whole time Jake kept saying, "no baby Micah!" in other words, I want you mom, without Micah!! Micah was in the front pack so that was a little hard! Sorry buddy! But I tried my best to divide my attention evenly. It's hard with a newborn because you have to devote more attention to them as their needs like feeding are more of a priority. As the week moved on, Jake did better. And now he is so super excited to have my mom (and dad for a few days) back!

Mother's Day was good, so many people sent sweet words through cards or emails and I really appreciated it! The day was easier because of it:) The boys, through my mom got me a picture framed of the three of us, beautiful!
I am actually more nervous about fathers day as I already see all the commercialness of it and would much like to have nothing to do with it. In all honesty it's so hard not to tear up when I see an "intact" family enjoying a picnic or a hike or a day at the park...I actually would like to scream, but that might look kind of weird! I'm glad I appreciated those days that we had with Preston, and I hope ppl who are blessed with fathers for their families deeply cherish those times. On a much nicer note, mothers day was fun because a few of my girlfriends sacrificed their time with their families and in the evening came over to watch a movie with me, we all needed our girl time and laughed our heads off watching baby mama!

Lisa (Isaac) Ashley (callen) and Moi!

So all in all we survived this week, each day got easier and by the end of the week I managed to get places a few minutes earlier than at the beginning of the week, ha ha! (seriously how does anyone manage to get themselves and kids ready and on time!?) The days I had less sleep were definitely more difficult to endure, isn't that always the case?!? Thanks to all you amazing woman who came over to help at bedtime or nap time, I couldn't have done it "sanely" without you!
God remained close to us as he always does. It's easy for me to assume God will just move on like everyone else has, and the closeness I feel to him won't last, but that's an incredibly intense lie. "Never will I leave you, NEVER will I forsake you" (hebrews 13:5) God has NEVER changed, he is the same yesterday as he is today and will be forever, I know that, I just need to constantly remind myself!


Anonymous said...

hey tara, was waiting for the next blog :) glad to hear u did it again with ur mom gone! but im sure u are glad to have her back as well!! i laughed at ur comment u dont know how people get their kids and themselves ready and somewhere on time, i have 3 kids and i manage to do it and actualy dont understand how people cant, LOL.....then again u have an infant, and ian is already 17mths :)
talk to u soon hopfully!

Katie Spinks said...

so proud of you yet again Tara. You mad it through another milestone being alone with your two boys. I will continue to pray for you daily - never can have enough prayer.

Anonymous said...

It is always great to read your blogs Tara, I feel like I am always checking to see if you have written anything new :) Don't worry about being on time, i think kids are the perfect excuse to be late for anyting, especially a new born as they tend to magicaly be able to time that massive diaper blowing pooh right before you head out the door and then you need to start all over again, lol. I agree with you about the shower, my day feels much more sane if I can get a shower in, it is amazing how much you appreciate the quiet of the shower once you have kids, and yet it was always something you took for granted and didn't even think about before hey? I am glad to hear that you had a great mother's day and you were able to do well this week on your own, you are amazing! We are still praying for you lots! Love Shawna

Crystal Klassen said...

YEs I have said the please one night of sleep prayer many times. Even when there older AHHHH LOL but I guess God know we can handle it. Blessings

John said...

Tara, I teared up when you said who Jake was missing. That invitation is always open if he needs a tickle buddy. Dustin and Jayden would love to play with him and Micah (tho Jayden might be too curious to be left alone with him!)

And you're never gonna be flying solo, really .. as you said, God is always the strength in your life, and your friends are just a phone call away.

I love reading your blog. You've got a way with words, and reading it, I feel as if I'm a part of your life even though I'm not, really. I sometimes forget that I know you better than you know me. I sure would like that to change! Let's hang out, for real, ok? We need to set up park time and go with the kids and play. I don't know if you're ready to hang out with, as you put it, an "intact" family, so I'll let you take the lead in that, and I will in no way feel bad if you never want to. I just want you to know that we're always here for you. You're never flying solo.

God bless you, Tara.

Mandi Bartel said...

hey Tara,

I have an interesting question to ask has to do with me visiting and helping you out this summer (if you'll have me!). I'm not sure what email address you are using, so I thought this was the safest way to connect with you. Give me a shout on my blog! Maybe we can arrange a skype date.


Maureen said...

Hi Tara,

I just thought I'd tell you a little bit about my husband. His father didn't pass away but he walked out of his life when he was two years old and never looked back. My husband was raised by his mother and grandmother. He grew to become the most kind and giving man I've ever known and now he's a fantastic father to our boys. Sometimes I think he turned out this way even more so because he had so much female influence on his life growing up. I tease him that he's such a sensitive man because he's more in touch with his 'feminine' side (don't get me wrong though, he's definitely all guy LOL). Anyway, I don't intend to belittle the importance of having a father but I guess I just mean to say that boys can definitely grow into fine men even if they don't have one in their lives. Having a great mom is key and it certainly looks like you're a great mom to your boys.


Anonymous said...

Aww, the picture of you and your boys is so cute. You all look great!!!!! Jessica N

Sarah from MN said...

Tara, I enjoy reading your blog and God has recently used it in a way I never would have imagined when I stumbled upon it several months ago. It's a long story but one I'd like your feedback on via email if possible. (ok, long story short so you don't think I'm totally odd....someone I loved dearly was killed in a motorcycle accident a week ago Sunday.) I have looked back over your blog entries since you lost Preston and have found more comfort and strength from your words that you can imagine. I'm wondering if you have suggestions for books or certain books of the Bible that you have turned to. I'd like to know for myself and for his family members. I had wondered previously why God led me to your blog and now I know personal email is Thank you. God bless.

Anonymous said...