Sunday, June 07, 2009

Down south we go...


I have re entered the blogging world:) I've been busy... We got back on Wednesday from visiting family and friends in the south! We went for a wedding, which was beautiful! I brought along my mom to help with the kids, I call her my little nanny... she does such a great job, but really, she's more than just a help with my kids, she is a great support!  
The wedding was really amazing, it was so exciting to see two ppl so in love commit their lives to one another... "till death do us part," gosh, when you say those words you don't actually think they'll become a part of your life.  As they uttered those words, I prayed they would never experience it.  What was bitter sweet for me was the memories their commitment brought... they so deeply wanted to glorify God with their relationship and show others Jesus Christ through their marriage and that is exactly what Preston and I desired for.  I was teary
 eyed the whole way through and had to distract myself with the boys so I didn't cry my eyes out. While my heart broke at the sweet memories of our marriage, and the reality of that chapter in my life being over God overwhelmed me with an immense peace. I felt as if God was saying to me that we tried hard in our marriage to honor him and he was happy with that, and now that chapter in my life is over and it's ok... well it's not all 
ok, it still hurts, but he will be there as I begin to move on. He is the same God i committed myself to honoring in marriage and the same whom I have committed to honoring even now.
The groom is a "cowboy" so this was to honor Billie! So cute!

On a lighter and super awesome note... I was blessed to meet my sweet friend Bonnie!! I've shared before how her and I came to know one another early this year as our circumstances paralleled one anothers and we found ourselves in the same place in life... we were connected through mutual friends and have talked over email and on the phone, but to meet was amazing!! It felt as if we had been friends forever, we hung out on a few different occasions, and had a great time! God definitely had his hand in bringing us together - even to the fact that she lived in the same town as Preston's extended family... where we were visiting! I can't wa
it until the next time we get together, I love you Bonnie!! 
Bonnie, Caroline, Jake (mr. happy) and moi!

After arriving home from down south the week became a little unbearable, and very bitter sweet... a little more bitter than sweet to be honest... i'll share with you the bitter sweet details, an idea which I copied from another blogging friend, who actually is sadly in the same place in life as Bonnie and I. It's amazing how God has brought people into my life who can relate 100% to what i am facing...it's awful to know these girls are going through the same thing as me, but comforting to know we can walk through it together.  

Bitter: I MISS PRESTON!!!  I feel like the accident just happened last week... grieving is like a rollercoaster, up and down and up and down. On a normal, mostly good day I get slapped in the face with the fact that Preston is gone like 3 or 4 times, but this week it has been like 50 times a day, it's that feeling in your chest when you hear really bad news and everything slows down around you.  I know, weird way to put that, but it's really like that.  I am strong for a time and then something triggers memories and I'm a wreck.... I wish I knew this had an end, aside from eternity. Tonight I drove past our old house where we first brought Jake home and past New Seasons market where Preston would bring me flowers from so spontaneously and where we would walk to get gelato or the occasional grocery item... I secretly wanted to just stop, go inside and pretend all was normal and I was buying ice cream for a late night treat fest... but that's a reality that will never ever come true and that breaks my heart... 
Sweet: My boys!! How I adore those two! I am so thankful I have been blessed with them. Jake is super funny, even at two... he brings me Joy to no end. Micah smiles already and his smiles are huge and light up a room... just like daddy's did! What a gift from God! He knew I needed them! 
Bitter: I feel SO FAR from Preston... 9 months without a word from my love, just dreams that aren't real. The distance is growing and that is no fun. 
Sweet: I WILL see him again...won't that be a sweet reunion? I have to focus here.
Bitter: FEAR, I often fear the death of other ppl in my life.... the thought temps to take over my mind
Sweet: Jesus feared too... in the garden of gethsemane, right before his journey to the cross. He sweat blood at the thought of what was to come, even though he knew the outcome. But at the end of his prayer to the Father he said, "Your will be done" and that was it... and that's where it ends for me. I fear, but I continuously need to hand it back to God and trust.
Bitter: We were by ourselves for a day this weekend and it's hard to be alone on weekends... knowing your friends are all with their husbands and kids enjoying the sun and no one will walk through the doors at the end of the day and give me a kiss or a hug or play with the boys... it's exhausting being alone... it's so fun being with the boys, we enjoy the sun too, but i just miss the presence of Prest. When will I get used to him being gone?
Sweet: My Lord! How great is my God! He is so constant in my life... so comforting and I wish I could explain this better... but he assures me that while this is a journey I have no choice but to walk through, he is here, carrying me at times, holding my hand at other times and growing me in Him. This is as real as the night in front of me. All that matters at lifes end is do you know Jesus Christ? not just as a historical figure, but do you have a personal relationship with him? have you put ALL your trust in him and repented of the sins in your life? Turning from them and following after God with all your heart? The joy that comes from following Jesus and magnifying God with your life is truly amazing... more than I could ever describe.
I do know Christ and I have so much hope that whatever tomorrow brings God is there and that on the other side of this life there will be no more pain... only JOY.
Sweet: To know God is continuously molding me through all this crap is encouraging.

Well I am so sincerely sorry if that was just a pooper of a post! Unbelievably, this was just a small part of what's going on, I am still having a hard day, so pray for us:) Thanks for walking in this journey with us... 
 

21 comments:

Leanne Marie said...

Tara your posts are never poopers. They are real and I love that! I love you my friend!

Your old rommie andrea! said...

Oh stinker. . . I'm thinking of you lots lately and will be keeping my prayers for you and the boys more frequent!! I like the bitter/sweet idea... Makes you realize for every horribly ugly valley there is a wonderous peak! Love you lots you crusty scab!

Anonymous said...

Tara, I always enjoy reading your blogs. I like that you are so honest and real. I hope and pray that you can feel God's presence and that it gets easier with time. Really good you have found such a good friend with Bonnie. God is amazing isn't he?

Anonymous said...

Tara,
I can only imagine how you must feel but what I do know is that everyday that goes by is one more day the Lord has brought you through. It has been an amazing and life changing process to share with you. Thank you for your honesty and speaking from your heart.
Being a mom of 3, I know that there are stages in the life of mothering that you feel like saying...is this my life? We love our children beyond words but the daily grind of it all seems to be endless. Just know that as the boys get just a little bit older their activities and energy will give you even more to look forward to.
You will have VBS and soccer, swimming lessons and t-ball, lessons on how to ride a bike and make a spear out of a stick and a rock (with a little duck-tape).
My prayer for you is that God will continue to surround you with his presence and will help you to see all that wonderful joyful memories that are ahead of you as you raise these sweet boys. We love you Tara and wish there was more we could do but in the mean time we will continue to do what we do best and keep praying for you. God will give you the strength you need to get through each day. JN

Catrina said...

You're amazing, Tara! Hang in there. I'll be praying for you.

nici said...

hey you its your cuz in law ...in no way is your blog a pooper you are being honest and there will be no other way to work through your pain without honesty ...we love you and are so excited you will be coming home for some of the summer ....kisses and hugs to the boys and you .
oh and just remember even though your life feels like a pooper God is our pooper scooper heeehee ...let him just sift all that crap right out of your life heehee (just a little different spin on it )

Dana Martin said...

I love reading your blog Tara, you always have a way of reminding of what's important, and that every day is important. Thank you for allowing God to speak through you!

York Family said...

Tara,

Your strength gives me strength and hope. I am praying for you and your boys! I pray that the Lord continues to carry you through your bitter days and gives you LOTS of sweet days in between!

But you do see! Indeed you note trouble and grief; that you may take it into your hands; the helpless commit themselves to you; you are the helper of the fatherless. Psalm 10:14

Hugs!
Tricia York

Malory said...

I love you Tara, I'm praying for you!

Risa said...

Tara,
Thank you for sharing. You're in my prayers!
Risa Hoffman

MattandMelissaMenzel said...

Tara, it is amazing how honest you can be about the way you are struggling through this incredibly difficult time. I love reading you blog, I have to hold back the tears because I can not imagine the pain you are feeling, but my heard is elated with joy knowing how great our God is and how marvelous that he would give you peace and strength when you need it the most. I praise God because of you, because I can see his glory at work in you. Your in my prayers.
Lots of love
Melissa

Kristina said...

I am a friend of Bonnie's and what you have done for her, and what she has done for you in return--could have only been the work of God in your lives, it is amazing! i am So very sorry for your loss and both you and Bonnie are such an example to hundreds and thousands of people who come across your stories. You have managed to find strength in the midst of a storm and I'm grateful for the support you have from so many.

Love,
Kristina

Anonymous said...

Tara, my heart aches for you as you write about your experiences, but I thank God for you whenever I read them because you are such an encouragement to those of us who are following your story. I am encouraged to remember to trust God in everything, I can allow fear and worry to cloud my relationship with him and it is only through letting it go that I experience the freedom to feel joy no matter what circumstances are. Thank you for that reminder today, thank you for reminding all of us to trust God on our darkest days. You are amazing, I am praying for you always <3
Shawna

Bonnie said...

Tara-I can't stand it. But at the same time I feel exactly the same way. It is such a roller coaster with no end in sight. I'm glad we can pray each other through this. Thanks for being so honest. I miss you terribly.

Becky said...

Tara, Bonnie asked if I read this post yet tonight because it's exactly how she feels. I love reading your thoughts but it is very bitter sweet for me also because I can't stand knowing how bad you girls are hurting. It hurts me. It is so crazy that this is life now. It's very hard to believe. Your faith is so uplifting and God is using you to witness to so many people. I wish we could know how many people have been impacted by your girls and your amazing faith. It was so great to meet you and I hope you didn't mind me leaving you and Bonnie. You two needed that time. I love you like a sister and am also praying for you. I am so proud of you and thankful that Bonnie has you. Love you.

Becky said...

Tara, Bonnie asked if I read this post yet tonight because it's exactly how she feels. I love reading your thoughts but it is very bitter sweet for me also because I can't stand knowing how bad you girls are hurting. It hurts me. It is so crazy that this is life now. It's very hard to believe. Your faith is so uplifting and God is using you to witness to so many people. I wish we could know how many people have been impacted by your girls and your amazing faith. It was so great to meet you and I hope you didn't mind me leaving you and Bonnie. You two needed that time. I love you like a sister and am also praying for you. I am so proud of you and thankful that Bonnie has you. Love you.

Anonymous said...

Hey Tara,

Congratulations on you Beautiful BABY Boy!!! What a blessing, i think of you often and hope you are doing well, Love reading your blog you are truly an amazing woman!!
Ashala

Chillin' with Lemonade said...

What a real and authentic post. I am very familiar with those bitter sweet moments.

Anonymous said...

so glad u finally got to meet bonnie! I too love reading ur blog, as i have said a million times before :) cant wait to see u in a few weeks!!
STEF

Marissa said...

I love reading your blogs Tara. I love your honesty. I am praying for you and looking forward to seeing you this summer. Come stay with me, I miss having someone walk in the door at the end of the day and kiss me and play with the kids.... I'll come help, but I'm not sure about the kiss part ;)
<3 you!
~Marissa

Tina said...

Hey tara... its tina i am glad you finally got to meet your blogging friend bonnie! Was it the first time you'd met her? I hope to see you this sunday and i'm glad you are doing a little better. Tell little micah and jacob i say hi and that anna says hi too. Bye

LOve Tina Kimsy