I have re entered the blogging world:) I've been busy... We got back on Wednesday from visiting family and friends in the south! We went for a wedding, which was beautiful! I brought along my mom to help with the kids, I call her my little nanny... she does such a great job, but really, she's more than just a help with my kids, she is a great support!
The wedding was really amazing, it was so exciting to see two ppl so in love commit their lives to one another... "till death do us part," gosh, when you say those words you don't actually think they'll become a part of your life. As they uttered those words, I prayed they would never experience it. What was bitter sweet for me was the memories their commitment brought... they so deeply wanted to glorify God with their relationship and show others Jesus Christ through their marriage and that is exactly what Preston and I desired for. I was teary
eyed the whole way through and had to distract myself with the boys so I didn't cry my eyes out. While my heart broke at the sweet memories of our marriage, and the reality of that chapter in my life being over God overwhelmed me with an immense peace. I felt as if God was saying to me that we tried hard in our marriage to honor him and he was happy with that, and now that chapter in my life is over and it's ok... well it's not all
ok, it still hurts, but he will be there as I begin to move on. He is the same God i committed myself to honoring in marriage and the same whom I have committed to honoring even now.
The groom is a "cowboy" so this was to honor Billie! So cute!
On a lighter and super awesome note... I was blessed to meet my sweet friend Bonnie!! I've shared before how her and I came to know one another early this year as our circumstances paralleled one anothers and we found ourselves in the same place in life... we were connected through mutual friends and have talked over email and on the phone, but to meet was amazing!! It felt as if we had been friends forever, we hung out on a few different occasions, and had a great time! God definitely had his hand in bringing us together - even to the fact that she lived in the same town as Preston's extended family... where we were visiting! I can't wa
it until the next time we get together, I love you Bonnie!!
Bonnie, Caroline, Jake (mr. happy) and moi!
After arriving home from down south the week became a little unbearable, and very bitter sweet... a little more bitter than sweet to be honest... i'll share with you the bitter sweet details, an idea which I copied from another blogging friend, who actually is sadly in the same place in life as Bonnie and I. It's amazing how God has brought people into my life who can relate 100% to what i am facing...it's awful to know these girls are going through the same thing as me, but comforting to know we can walk through it together.
Bitter: I MISS PRESTON!!! I feel like the accident just happened last week... grieving is like a rollercoaster, up and down and up and down. On a normal, mostly good day I get slapped in the face with the fact that Preston is gone like 3 or 4 times, but this week it has been like 50 times a day, it's that feeling in your chest when you hear really bad news and everything slows down around you. I know, weird way to put that, but it's really like that. I am strong for a time and then something triggers memories and I'm a wreck.... I wish I knew this had an end, aside from eternity. Tonight I drove past our old house where we first brought Jake home and past New Seasons market where Preston would bring me flowers from so spontaneously and where we would walk to get gelato or the occasional grocery item... I secretly wanted to just stop, go inside and pretend all was normal and I was buying ice cream for a late night treat fest... but that's a reality that will never ever come true and that breaks my heart...
Sweet: My boys!! How I adore those two! I am so thankful I have been blessed with them. Jake is super funny, even at two... he brings me Joy to no end. Micah smiles already and his smiles are huge and light up a room... just like daddy's did! What a gift from God! He knew I needed them!
Bitter: I feel SO FAR from Preston... 9 months without a word from my love, just dreams that aren't real. The distance is growing and that is no fun.
Sweet: I WILL see him again...won't that be a sweet reunion? I have to focus here.
Bitter: FEAR, I often fear the death of other ppl in my life.... the thought temps to take over my mind
Sweet: Jesus feared too... in the garden of gethsemane, right before his journey to the cross. He sweat blood at the thought of what was to come, even though he knew the outcome. But at the end of his prayer to the Father he said, "Your will be done" and that was it... and that's where it ends for me. I fear, but I continuously need to hand it back to God and trust.
Bitter: We were by ourselves for a day this weekend and it's hard to be alone on weekends... knowing your friends are all with their husbands and kids enjoying the sun and no one will walk through the doors at the end of the day and give me a kiss or a hug or play with the boys... it's exhausting being alone... it's so fun being with the boys, we enjoy the sun too, but i just miss the presence of Prest. When will I get used to him being gone?
Sweet: My Lord! How great is my God! He is so constant in my life... so comforting and I wish I could explain this better... but he assures me that while this is a journey I have no choice but to walk through, he is here, carrying me at times, holding my hand at other times and growing me in Him. This is as real as the night in front of me. All that matters at lifes end is do you know Jesus Christ? not just as a historical figure, but do you have a personal relationship with him? have you put ALL your trust in him and repented of the sins in your life? Turning from them and following after God with all your heart? The joy that comes from following Jesus and magnifying God with your life is truly amazing... more than I could ever describe.
I do know Christ and I have so much hope that whatever tomorrow brings God is there and that on the other side of this life there will be no more pain... only JOY.
Sweet: To know God is continuously molding me through all this crap is encouraging.
Well I am so sincerely sorry if that was just a pooper of a post! Unbelievably, this was just a small part of what's going on, I am still having a hard day, so pray for us:) Thanks for walking in this journey with us...