“Even though my heart is torn, I will praise you through this storm” that’s a line from a Casting Crowns song and the theme of a late evening in my life this week.
The other day I desperately wanted to talk to Preston. I get these moments when something happens and I’m like, oh I have to call Prest and tell him, it’s a second of thought but it’s still there and very real. Anyway, I started to think about falling in love with him, and how breathtaking and fun that was!! We were so young and naïve and dorky. Many of you were there! I remembered “our song” which is, ‘On fire’ by switchfoot, it somehow became our song through the many car rides we took between Moose Jaw and our college, Briercrest. It was the song we got engaged to (we danced to it next to a river) and the song at our wedding for the first dance. I love to dance, even though I cannot! So we often spent time in the evening dancing… preston danced well, I stepped on his feet, but we had so much fun.
I’ve never been able to listen to this song but this night I wanted to. However I was fearful because once I start to cry the pain is literally so intense and not kidding you, it’s physically paralyzing. In these moments I find it hard to believe I can even step outside of them unless I die. But somehow God’s grace and strength bring me through and I always learn something after being in “the valley”. I have chosen to walk through the darkness of this journey and to embrace all it brings me and it will be worth it, I’m growing alot but man it’s a raw experience.
I turned the song on and put to paper my emotion. I relived ‘us’ and it was tearful and sad. But within that moment Jesus was closer to me than any human ever could be. I felt like my world had crashed (once again) but Jesus was standing strong and holding me. I began to worship Him for all he IS and I was comforted. When you start to discover the character of God you cannot help but trust him and know without doubt that he truly does work everything out for the good of those who love him. He has given me all the reason to trust in him and NONE not to. His love for us is so immeasurable….
So, super hard moment, but a good experience. There is joy in the midst of sorrow just because of who God is! I simply worshiped my creator and redeemer. It was actually the best comfort I have experienced, I emptied me of me and filled myself with the Lord. It made everything going on seem less compared with the greatness of God. Nothing will give us more pleasure than the Lord and this night proved it.
If you don’t have a personal relationship with Jesus, I challenge you to really think about why you don’t… We spend endless days searching for things to make us happy, but whenever we find something it’s joy lasts moments or days, but never a lifetime and it’s never truly fulfilling….even husbands and kids are amazing, but we are still left with a void for God.
Here is a picture of my two monkeys, Micah is growing and teething like crazy!