Tuesday, July 21, 2009


“Even though my heart is torn, I will praise you through this storm” that’s a line from a Casting Crowns song and the theme of a late evening in my life this week.

The other day I desperately wanted to talk to Preston. I get these moments when something happens and I’m like, oh I have to call Prest and tell him, it’s a second of thought but it’s still there and very real. Anyway, I started to think about falling in love with him, and how breathtaking and fun that was!! We were so young and naïve and dorky. Many of you were there! I remembered “our song” which is, ‘On fire’ by switchfoot, it somehow became our song through the many car rides we took between Moose Jaw and our college, Briercrest. It was the song we got engaged to (we danced to it next to a river) and the song at our wedding for the first dance. I love to dance, even though I cannot! So we often spent time in the evening dancing… preston danced well, I stepped on his feet, but we had so much fun.

I’ve never been able to listen to this song but this night I wanted to. However I was fearful because once I start to cry the pain is literally so intense and not kidding you, it’s physically paralyzing. In these moments I find it hard to believe I can even step outside of them unless I die. But somehow God’s grace and strength bring me through and I always learn something after being in “the valley”. I have chosen to walk through the darkness of this journey and to embrace all it brings me and it will be worth it, I’m growing alot but man it’s a raw experience.

I turned the song on and put to paper my emotion. I relived ‘us’ and it was tearful and sad. But within that moment Jesus was closer to me than any human ever could be. I felt like my world had crashed (once again) but Jesus was standing strong and holding me. I began to worship Him for all he IS and I was comforted. When you start to discover the character of God you cannot help but trust him and know without doubt that he truly does work everything out for the good of those who love him. He has given me all the reason to trust in him and NONE not to. His love for us is so immeasurable….

So, super hard moment, but a good experience. There is joy in the midst of sorrow just because of who God is! I simply worshiped my creator and redeemer. It was actually the best comfort I have experienced, I emptied me of me and filled myself with the Lord. It made everything going on seem less compared with the greatness of God. Nothing will give us more pleasure than the Lord and this night proved it.

If you don’t have a personal relationship with Jesus, I challenge you to really think about why you don’t… We spend endless days searching for things to make us happy, but whenever we find something it’s joy lasts moments or days, but never a lifetime and it’s never truly fulfilling….even husbands and kids are amazing, but we are still left with a void for God.

Here is a picture of my two monkeys, Micah is growing and teething like crazy!

Mr. Mischievous

Mustache day!
Mr. Smiley!



Barclee said...

thank you for that post. your story is changing my life, i am still praying for you daily.

Anonymous said...

i love micahs smiles :)

Kimberly said...

Praying and knowing HE will continue to show up for you, every day!

Anonymous said...

love the mustache!!! JN

Anonymous said...

that must have been a tough evening! memories are so wonderful, but can be so hard at the same time,
i love that you drew a mustache on micah!! my mom would kill me if i did that! haha!
and we are finally back online so i got caught up on your last blog too....remind me not to take any veggies from your house.....someting about people poo as fertalizer makes me a little queezy! but yae for jake!! and super yae for the diaper bill~!!! talk to you later!

Anonymous said...

I found your blog through Bonnie Culp's. I've never even met Bonnie but she is a friend of my daughter. How my heart has ached for both of you but you are women of great faith which I believe is the only way you can make it through such heartache. He will never leave us or forsake us which is especially real in the darkest days of our lives. May He continue to lift you up through this season of life and continue to bring you joy in your sorrow. BTW, your boys are absolutely the cutest things ever!! I enjoyed seeing a new picture of Micah!
In His Love, Brenda Elmore

Laura said...

Agreed - we do need to get together. I may need to have you come over and potty train my child!!! It's not coming...

Cheryl Thompson said...

Tara, you have nailed why the God of the Bible is so different from how God is portrayed in other religions. We have the only Savior who said he would give us his peace. All the other religions encourage people to find peace within themselves. Only Jesus offers to replace our turmoil and sorrow with his personal presence and peace. How interesting that you started off longing to dance with your absent husband and ended up "dancing" with your very present Lord. How gracious of him to come to you in that hour. I believe Preston rejoices everyday to see how the Lord meets your needs because he knows better than ever now what the Lord is capable of doing for you. Thank you so much for this blog entry.

Anonymous said...

Hi Tara, Just wanted to let you know that your two boys are absoulutly adorable!!!!! What a blessing for you to have them in your life!!! Micah is truly the cutest sweetest little baby I 've seen, Congratulations to you!!!

Anonymous said...

Hi Tara. You don't know me, but i follow your blog often. I just wanted you to know that i am praying for you. Your story (as painful as it is) is such an instrument that God is using and working through. I just think that you are amazing! Your strength in God is so evident and encouraging.
I want to share with you a few verses from Isaiah 41 that i feel is what God's heart is for you Tara-capitals are my own and i added your name to verse 14)

v10 ... do not fear, for I am WITH YOU; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and HELP you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
v13 For I am the LORD, your God, WHO TAKES HOLD OF YOUR RIGHT HAND and says to you, Do not fear; I will HELP you.
v14 Do not be afraid, Tara, for I MYSELF will help you," declares the LORD, your Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel.