Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Here there and everywhere


Sorry for the lack of blogging, it is really hard to find the time! Another factor was that some good friends of mine recently said goodbye to their sweet little boy, Josiah, he is now with his heavenly father, Jesus and his new friend Preston....  He was the same age as Jacob and despite the odds he fought a good fight and brought joy to countless ppl (his daddy blogged his journey here). It simply astounds me the vast impact one little life can have on so many people, it is a passionate reminder of how you live each day and each moment. 

For the past six weeks we were in Canada! I had an amazing time visiting family and friends and reconnecting and making new relationships with other friends - wow that was a mouthful!
My parents live in a smaller house so it gets a little cramped, they are gracious enough to let us stay, but by the end I welcome my own space with open arms!   We went to the beach alot and spent most of our time outside, (we close down the igloos and put away the dogsleds for a few months of the year) I love where my parents live! People often ask if I'll stay here or there, but for now I have chosen to stay in Portland, this is where Preston and I began our life and where we have established very close relationships with people that would break my heart to leave. I know how one second can change a lifetime so I am well aware I can't plan too far in advance. 

My mom drove back with us from the mother country, as I thought me + two kids + 11hrs would make me go just slightly crazy! She's here until tomorrow and then she will go home and will be back for our trip to Florida in Sept. BUT my oh so amazing friend Mandi is coming to stay with us for just over a week! She is wonderful with kids and I can't wait to spend time with her. 
I am very much a ppl person and struggle daily wondering how I will cope being alone after she leaves.... (don't worry, I won't send for a mail order husband!)  but I will talk more on that in a minute... 
FIRST.... 
Good News!!!! I mentioned previously that I am going to share our story at a national life insurance conference in Orlando, but part of it is that Newsweek publishes an editorial on our story as well. It will come out at the end of August and I just got the call today that we made the cover!! It is so bittersweet, the reason all this began is because my sweet Preston is gone, but I have to be honest and say I'm thankful we can have a little fun amidst the sorrow. 

I'm getting excited about Orlando, we get to go to Disneyworld as well, whooo hoo! My mom, sister and Kristin and Jonathan are coming so without a doubt we'll have a great time. We have been to Disneyland with Jacob, but if you have any tips on the best things to do and not to do at Disneyworld and around the park let me know!!  Farmers Insurance is the one who really kicked off this life insurance adventure and they have been incredibly great to us. They have treated me as a friend and not just a number... they are super and I have to give credit where credit is due:)

The Orlando trip will extend over the first "anniversary" and I have mixed feelings. I have been well informed that "IT" is never as bad as one would imagine, and i'm thankful and hopeful that is true. But, wow. One year, that is breathtaking. I am greatly anticipating it because I can say, "I survived!!" When you can't imagine making it past a minute a year is HUGE!!! I pray that this was by far the worst of it.  

Overall I have had a really good summer - grief wise. It seemed that about once a week I just crashed... and i would have a good cry, journal and spend intimate time with God, I would get it all out and be better from it! But lately everyday has been brutal. If you were to see me you might think I'm doing fine, but inside I'm like a freakin storm!
I am nervous to be on my own, I know physically I can do it, although I will be tired, but I get all worked up that at the end of the day I'll just crash, washed over in exhaustion - both emotionally and physically, overcome with the responsibility before me.  And the reality of not having anyone to talk to - namely my best friend, after the kids are in bed hangs over me like a vicious cloud.  I will be honest in saying I haven't spent alot of quality time with the Lord, I just haven't made the time and that does affect my day.  And while I feel I have been a little unfaithful to God, he remained faithful to me - he never changes. I prayed that God would help me through this time and a few days went by where I just was....you know that feeling, just ugh...!? But let me say that God is NEVER silent. While it can appear that he is, he is not. It is in these times that he gives you deep personal instruction and today he made my instruction clear to me. 
I was reading my devo (my utmost for his highest - best ever!) In short:

There is no need to panic!  While my panic and fears may be very real I am forgetting "the bottom line" which is just as real, but leads to a healthy outcome... The bottom line is that God has been teaching me amazing things over these months, and I've learned a great deal from Preston throughout our time together, I need to hold onto those lessons and live them - LOUD, and have CONFIDENCE in God cause he will never ever abandon his children, he loves me with an unquenchable love. I really do believe the key to remembering this through the "storms" of our days is to memorize scripture... meditate on it, my mom is good at it, but dang, i gotta get better! 

 Once again God has molded my grief and I have grown, I pray he is magnified through my experience - "to live is Christ..."

I am currently house hunting for a rental! It is probably one of my least favorite hobbies right now so please pray that I find a place, with a yard and three bedrooms and for my budget!! And just for my everyday...  

11 comments:

Bonnie said...

Tara-what a great post. It does make me breathe a little faster at the things that I will soon be facing as well...I totally feel the same way after the kids (soon to be plural!) are in bed.
Congrats on the cover!!! I'm going to have you sign mine when you are here in November! I can't wait to see it!
So much more to say-I will call soon. Love, Bonnie

Anonymous said...

Tara, you'll be fine because God is your strength and your help. I say this but think that I'll need therapy myself being away from you and the kids...(JK), yet we know that God has never failed us.
We don't know what the future looks like, but God does and knowing that He will carry you through gives us all great peace. He alone is faithful.
We love you so much,
Mom and Dad

ashpuck said...

Hi Tara, I've been following your blog for a while now, but rarely comment. The journey you share helps me see how God is working in my life.

Today while I was folding laundry and listening to some music on the TV I heard your commercial! I ran into the other room to see it but missed it by a couple of seconds. I know you have it posted online but I thought it was neat to see/hear it on the TV.

Thanks for sharing your story!

~Ashley

Lindsey said...

I will be praying specifically for the perfect house to pop up! Something better than you ever imagined (and for the right rent)!!

ashleyalvina said...

Tara! House hunting - bah, exhausting but once you find a good one, totally worth it. I too will pray for lovely circumstances and clarity to lead you to the place of your dreams.

On the 'anniversary', please know we'll be praying for you.

love ya!
ashley

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