Friday, August 28, 2009

Random thoughts..

Since I am worlds worst blogger here are several random thoughts and events in our life recently:

Preston's birthday was the 23rd... my first day without in-house-help.. the day started off great! We went to brunch downtown with our cousins, Josh and Laurel! We ate alot and had great conversation.  Then we each wrote a note "to Preston," Jake drew a picture and we went to the waterfront where we tied them to balloons and let them go "to heaven" (as I told Jacob anyway - kids think concretely!) It was a sweet time, Josh and Laurel have been an incredible strength in our lives and we are so thankful that we could share this time with them. However as the morning was awesome the latter part of the day was so lonely... weekends are still hard as friends are with their "intact" families and ours still feels broken. 

Being on our own has been ok, it's hard, but overall the boys are a total JOY and I'm so thankful the Lord blessed me with them. I try to make the day fun for all of us, today we had a picnic and played in the sand! By the time they go to bed I'm exhausted, but I have to clean b/c I cannot stand a messy house and I can't ever have "me" time if I see dirty distracts me!   The biggest struggle for me is that my children hate sleep. My mom and dad just say I'm getting it all back as I was a nightmare at bedtime, but my goodness does it ever suck!! 

First Micah, sweet little thing is not so sweet at night. He goes to bed great, but wakes up sometimes every hour until 12 and then every three hours after that... he's not always hungry either and can sometimes put himself back to sleep, but he still wakes up and lets me know, "mom, I'm awake!!" I think it's tummy issues, b/c he's often wiggling his little legs, I have a feeling it's diary, I really need to give it up to see for sure. 
And then there is Jacob, wow. Two year olds are very perceptive, they are very emotional and far smarter than we think. He repeats everything I say, which is precious, but he also listens to everything I say, which I often forget as I'm talking with a friend and will hear him repeat something later - regarding Preston. So much as happened in this childs life - daddy leaving, people continuously come in and out, staying for awhile and then leaving and we travel more than is probably healthy for him. I think it affects his sleep, he wakes up a couple times a night and is very angry and often wakes his little bro. He also doesn't like to fall asleep, he will sometimes stay awake until 11 just crying on and off - and it's not the normal, cry it out cry, it's a dreadful, I need you mommy and I'm scared cry. This has all been happening with him since my mom left and i think that has to be affecting him, but it breaks my heart..I just wish I knew intricately what was going on... these are the times I need help, but they are always last minute, which makes it hard for anyone to come and help. 

I will be honest and say I am lonely. I LOVE to be around people, don't get me wrong, we all need our alone time, but my alone time could be 10% me and 90% ppl and that would be great!  I am happy to say that I have never felt closer to God than I have this past year and specifically when I'm on my own. I am more focused on God when no one else is here which is why i can understand when Paul said it is better not to marry (but not wrong to marry) it is easier to stay focused on eternal things.   I've been thinking alot about Preston's heavenly perspective... he was taken in a blink of an eye and had no idea he had just breathed his last breath.  Now he has no more chances to do a "better job" his life and all that he will be held accountable for is finished. That is so crazy to think about. In my mind, I'm like, crap I did "blank" so bad, but I'll do better next time. NO, we need to live every moment the absolute BEST we can... and to live momently for Christ...there is no greater joy than that and I know when we stand before our Father in Heaven we'll be thankful we lived for him in everything and not just a little.... this is my goal, not entirely my reality, but I'm working on it each moment I get. 

Josh, jake, me and Laurel
and us with our balloons, Micah was totally into it


Anonymous said...

You are such a good mommy! I am so glad you have family and friends around to help you along and keep you company.JN

Giselle said...

Just a little correction, Tara...Dad is the one who has said that you might...just might be getting a little taste of what it was like for us with your bedtime craze. As for me, it breaks my heart that you would have to go through it. I'm hoping and praying that it is just a little blip and soon he'll be sleeping like a rock!
I love you,