The 11 month mark has been really difficult for me, I've heard ppl say, it's not so bad, but my gosh for me, it's bad! The 11 month is hard because you are anticipating the one year mark... and you have all that emotion rolling inside of you, the anxiety of hitting that day. I have been so busy with the boys that I haven't had time to cry, I know I am allowed to cry whenever I want, but I honestly can't cry very easily (and those of you that know me well know this!!) I want to cry and the tears are right there, they just don't come... I often wonder if I should feel guilty for not crying as much as some.. I've come to the conclusion that NO I shouldn't feel guilty because I am still grieving in my own way, I still get what I need to OUT emotionally, but I do feel there are times when the pain & emotion builds up so tremendously that physically you need to let it out....working on finding time for that.
The anxiety I feel about the 15th is a very dominant feeling, simply put, I cannot believe it has been one year since I touched or talked to the person who I had believed I would grow old with. I know i have mentioned this several times, but I am dealing with it on such an extreme level of emotion that it's all I can talk about. The realization that Preston is now a memory is sad, forever he will be a part of us, but the harsh reality is that life does moves on and I have to as well, it all just seems so warped. I am not yet ready to say good bye to him.
I did an interview this week with our local fox station (FOX 12) they wanted to do an update on us and highlight the insurance story. Jamie, the girl who interviewed me asked me off camera, (paraphrased) so aren't you mad at God, that he would take someone who had so much potential? With the Lords strength I was able to boldly answer her that not for one second have I ever been angry with God. I don't understand exactly why he allowed this to happen, but I trust and know that he has a plan far greater than our human knowledge can comprehend - it is a God given peace. I have seen so much purpose come out of Preston's death and that is what he would want. I actually don't remember what her comment back was, maybe there wasn't one...
But the point of me telling you this is that these are the truths I need to be brought back to when I become overwhelmed with the reality of it being one year. That said, it doesn't mean I'm not allowed to hurt, but I am at the point where it could potentially be easy to drown in the pain so I have to pull myself out of that pit with these truths, instilled in me by God. I think the interview went rather well, with each interview or public sharing I am at I consistently see the Lord speak through me, I always look back and think, how was I able to do that?!
God you are AMAZING. Throughout the interview, I was able to share Preston's character and hopefully the public will be able to see a man who deeply loved and cared for his family and friends BECAUSE of the love he had for the Lord.
Tuesday Newsweek comes out! I am headed bright and early to pick up some copies, you'd laugh if you knew what time bright and early was for us so we'll keep it secret, but go get your copy too! I'll post the article on here as I can.
The boys are asleep, my mom is scrubbing my floors (kidding, she's at the store) and there is silence, I am now off now to write my short speech for Orlando, pray for me that I don't say anything too dorky.