Sunday, September 06, 2009

Currently and upcoming News...

Life has been hectic this past week and a bit, but we are surviving! I had a super hard time with the boys sleep, Micah decided to wake every two hours, which would wake Jake at times and then I had to get both back to sleep - one became hungry, the other scared of shadows or monsters or would rather sleep in mommys bed! I was on the verge of insanity, literally I was becoming a different person, lack of sleep can really do a person in!  I know such is the way of life as a parent, but my goodness, it's crazy! I was calling my mom at 3am crying... she had been planning on coming this Wednesday for Orlando, but came yesterday to give me a bit of a break! I am very thankful she is so willing to help, the love of a mother is truly endless. 

The 11 month mark has been really difficult for me, I've heard ppl say, it's not so bad, but my gosh for me, it's bad! The 11 month is hard because you are anticipating the one year mark... and you have all that emotion rolling inside of you, the anxiety of hitting that day. I have been so busy with the boys that I haven't had time to cry, I know I am allowed to cry whenever I want, but I honestly can't cry very easily (and those of you that know me well know this!!) I want to cry and the tears are right there, they just don't come... I often wonder if I should feel guilty for not crying as much as some.. I've come to the conclusion that NO I shouldn't feel guilty because I am still grieving in my own way, I still get what I need to OUT emotionally, but I do feel there are times when the pain & emotion builds up so tremendously that physically you need to let it out....working on finding time for that.  
The anxiety I feel about the 15th is a very dominant feeling, simply put, I cannot believe it has been one year since I touched or talked to the person who I had believed I would grow old with. I know i have mentioned this several times, but I am dealing with it on such an extreme level of emotion that it's all I can talk about.  The realization that Preston is now a memory is sad, forever he will be a part of us, but the harsh reality is that life does moves on and I have to as well, it all just seems so warped. I am not yet ready to say good bye to him. 

I did an interview this week with our local fox station (FOX 12) they wanted to do an update on us and highlight the insurance story. Jamie, the girl who interviewed me asked me off camera, (paraphrased) so aren't you mad at God, that he would take someone who had so much potential? With the Lords strength I was able to boldly answer her that not for one second have I ever been angry with God. I don't understand exactly why he allowed this to happen, but I trust and know that he has a plan far greater than our human knowledge can comprehend - it is a God given peace. I have seen so much purpose come out of Preston's death and that is what he would want. I actually don't remember what her comment back was, maybe there wasn't one... 
But the point of me telling you this is that these are the truths I need to be brought back to when I become overwhelmed with the reality of it being one year.  That said, it doesn't mean I'm not allowed to hurt, but I am at the point where it could potentially be easy to drown in the pain so I have to pull myself out of that pit with these truths, instilled in me by God. I think the interview went rather well, with each interview or public sharing I am at I consistently see the Lord speak through me, I always look back and think, how was I able to do that?! 
God you are AMAZING.  Throughout the interview, I was able to share Preston's character and hopefully the public will be able to see a man who deeply loved and cared for his family and friends BECAUSE of the love he had for the Lord. 
Tuesday Newsweek comes out! I am headed bright and early to pick up some copies, you'd laugh if you knew what time bright and early was for us so we'll keep it secret, but go get your copy too! I'll post the article on here as I can.  
The boys are asleep, my mom is scrubbing my floors (kidding, she's at the store) and there is silence, I am now off now to write my short speech for Orlando, pray for me that I don't say anything too dorky.


20 comments:

Erin said...

I'm so glad you have your Mom there to help you! I had a few months of those sleepless nights due to the kids crying and waking eachother up and I almost went crazy. And I mean CRAZY!!

I'll be heading out tomorrow to get a copy of Newsweek!

Hoping everything goes smoothy for you in Orlando!!

KK said...

Way to go Mom for helping out. Praying for you. (I can't cry often either and have thought before, if only I could cry!)

Glenda said...

Great Post! You're an inspiration! Good Luck with the Orlando speech. Hoping everyting goes smoothly for you! Sending you hugs and prayers and gratefully your mom is there to help! XX

Chillin' with Lemonade said...

Girl, Your words ring TRUE!

The 11th mark was worse for me, too. I was expecting and anticipating the year mark- dreading it. I also found that I couldn't cry like I wanted to. I hungered for that "fall down to the ground" sobs. They just wouldn't come.

I will be praying for you to find continued strength in Him.

Peace, Erica

Krystal Schriner said...

oh sleepless nights. I had my bunch of noghts when we first brought home Idyn....in March... at the time my two year old only wanted me to put him to bed and I had to nurse and put down a baby too. it was super stressfull.. I am thankful you have your Mom's help. I know how emotional it is. How else are the boys doing? What's Micah like? And what is Jake learning these days and playing with? Our boys are so close in age.... I also wanted to say your words always lead me to God. Thank you.

Anonymous said...

Tara,
Your in my thoughts and prayers.
In Christ Love,
Michele

Anonymous said...

well, if you didn't say something dorky it wouldn't be you! haha! kidding. Glad your mom made it out! talk toy u soon,
Renee

deaconlarsen said...

Dear Tara,
I have never met you but my cousin has spoken of you with the highest regard and told me about your blog. I have spent the better part of 2 days reading it and I have to say that I am so impressed with your passion and love for the Lord and your family during this trial time in your life. I am given strength by your words and I will pray for you in your journey in God's love.
Blessings,
Katie

Anonymous said...

I've never met you personally but I pray for you often! I think I've probably cried enough tears for both you and I. I nearly weep every time I read your blog.

Thanks for always updating. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

MattandMelissaMenzel said...

Tara you are such an inspirations! Sometimes I get overwhelm with my life and feel lost. But whenever I read you blogs I see so clearly that God is our help and strength, I can see that in you. And if you can praise him in your life, than I have no excuse not to as well. You are in our prayers! I always thank God for you every time I think of you. Mine prayer for you is that you will feel the love and peace of God surrounding you like the biggest bear hug you have ever had!
much love
Melissa

ahaak said...

hi tara

thanks for your note. i just finished a cry-session of my own and thought of you so i came by to say hello :) i know this week is going to be horrible, lets face it. i still remember when and where i was when i heard the news. it rocked me to my core. i have been praying that in all things i will live right and think right, and i hope that you will find you have the right decisions, behavior, thoughts, and theology to pull you through the day. you have a courage and faith girl that i am in awe of - to grieve and walk slowly without a spouse is beyond my comprehension. God is good, easy to trust, but man i wish he would let us vote on some of the decisions he makes ... ;)

let me know if or when you hit the stage of memories being only sweet and without the sting. it feels a long way away for me.

i keep forgetting to grab a copy of the newsweek. if you end up with one you should scan it and post it here!

peace. love. truth. presence.
- Andrew

Anonymous said...

Tara,

You don't know me. I've seen your commercial a few times and finally Googled it to see if it was real. I found your blog and learned it was.

I am sorry for the loss you experienced nearly a year ago. I am about to become a father for the first time and have been reading a lot of blogs lately and find myself more emotional. I have sat here for two hours reading your blog. You are an amazing woman and I pray that the lord gives you the strength to continue on as strong as you have been. Good luck to you and your family for a safe, prosperous and glorious future!

- someone in Atlanta

Becky said...

Tara,

My family is praying for you and your family. I know Preston is so proud of who you are and how wonderfully you are taking care of your family. I love you and will be praying for you constantly. Try to feel the prayers.

Becke' said...

I just found your blog tonight (Sept. 14th)
My heart goes out to you. I pray you would be surrounded with the peace and love of God tomorrow. I commend you for your faith and I pray specifically that you will be able to see "good" in God's strange ways in the days to come. I will also pray that your kiddos will sleep...
Your sister in Christ

ashpuck said...

Thinking about you and your family today and saying a special prayer of comfort.

~Ashley

melanie.joy said...

I'm praying for you today!

Anonymous said...

I am praying for you today Tara. May you feel the everlasting arms around you and your boys today... Holding you, carrying you and comforting you. May peace be within you and around you.
blessings
S.A

Laurie said...

Hi Tara,

Thinking and praying for you and your boys today.

Daughter of the King said...

Praying for you and your precious boys today.

Amy said...

I have been thinking of you and your family this week, and then just now, your commerical came on tv. I almost couldn't believe my eyes. I thought, Oh, my gosh, I know her! Of course I really don't know you, but I feel like I kinda do. So here I am telling you this crazy story, from a crazy blog reader you don't even know.

Praying for you in Tennessee,
Amy