Saturday, October 24, 2009

Life is g o o d!

Can I actually say life is good? It has the temptation to feel wrong, but I can't live there. Life has been better than ever since the accident...that's something to be thankful for - IT DOES GET BETTER - words I never imagined I'd say. Moving into a new house really helped, I grieved the fact that Preston would not be moving on with us.... I grieved it deeply and for an entire month (you're like really tara, did you honestly count?) so I'm happy to say I've accepted that sad fact and can "move on" from there. The center of living life without Preston is realizing that to some degree you must say good bye to "Preston and Tara." Preston was my future and now he is just my past?!?! The words cut me like a knife. Every single day God helps me get through this, I don't think I'll ever fully get over it nor do I want to, but he is leading me to a healthy form of living with such a reality. The really bad days are fewer.

One thing that really helps me is knowing that Preston would want me to move on and keep living in a healthy way. He is happy and he knows that the journey ends with all of us together again. I am pretty positive he has a far clearer outlook on all of this than I do so that comforts me. He sees the bigger picture, I'm still watching it be painted...

There is one thing I have always always prayed, "God, please mold me into the girl who YOU see for me to be," It is so easy for us to pick out what we want to change... whereas God sees the whole picture and can capture areas in our life that need to be mended.

"But now, O LORD, You are our Father,We are the clay, and You our potter;And all of us are the work of Your hand." - Isaiah 64:8

And lately that area has been FEAR. I have been talking to some friends about what is generally going on in my head and more than one has said, well, it sounds like you're struggling with fear... the day to day fear, not the scared of the dark fear (but that's also up there ha ha.) I think I find it easier to trust that God is in the big things, like the fact that he allowed Preston to die, but harder to trust him in the every day things like raising my children or being on my own. I know God is my strength, the calmer of my storm and the rock of my life, BUT I fear my failure. I fear I won't be faithful, that I won't walk as closely to Him as I need to to survive this. I fear I'll cave to my "humanity," to my frailty and collapse under the heaviness that is the responsibility (loaded word) set before me. So what do I do? How Lord do I overcome this fear?
I find I am constantly giving it back to him...and I will do so until he has conquered this in my life. I fear, then I pray: I give it up to you Lord! I am trying to focus on what I know to be true, that he is my rock and that he has promised never to leave me. I have to make it a priority to meditate on His word and walk closely to him, this is always the answer. I know when I seek him with all of my heart I will find him and his ways will be my ways... so much easier to write though.

Micah is recovering really well from his surgery, he was super happy the next day and one day he'll thank me in the locker room! AND super great, he is sleeping better... I let him cry it out this week - oh my gosh is that not the hardest thing to do?!!?! I can only do it if I have a friend over to force me to sit and not go up there... I have a video monitor so I can see but not hear! Video monitors are amazing, worth every penny, then again when I started to see someone elses's child on another chanel that was creepy... invasion of privacy anyone?

So all in all life is good, our new normal is not as bad as I thought it would be and every day brings new hope and new adventures... but we still need you guys praying! I am so thankful for you all...


Pam said...

I'm proud of you sweetie! I know that Preston would want you to go on also. I know that you will keep his memory alive for the boys to know about their Father. Have a good time with your family! Looking forward to seeing you in November! Love ya!


Mandi Bartel said...

I'm so so so so glad that you get to spend some time in BC. I think I would give my left arm to go home at the moment! Enjoy yourself and say hi to Renee for me, tell her to post some more pics of her belly!! I'm glad that you are feeling better and you're kicking fear in the butt :)


p.s. I'm glad that Micah is recovering well...he will be thankful in the locker room later in life.

Courtney said...

You are the bravest for sharing all these insightful & private thoughts that you do, Tara. Thank you. I'm glad you are feeling more joy in your life - I've told you before & it's true. You inspire me. I've had some small speedbumps & your faith reminds me of God's love. Slightly embarassed to admit, but I need that.

Was hoping to meet in Nov. but heard it's postponed to Dec. :) Had Alan told you?...coming to the NorthWest!

KK said...

I'll definitely keep praying!

ashleyalvina said...

If my cousin holds her baby monitor in a certain corner of her living room, she gets the feed from her neighbors security cameras, so she can see who's going in and out of their gate. Definitely creepy :) But funny, all at the same time.

Lots of love to you today Tara!

ashleyalvina said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
ashleyalvina said...

oops - posted twice!