Sunday, October 04, 2009

Yesterday

Last night I was doing my bible study ( Esther, by Beth Moore). As I was reading, a song came on in the background... I don't know the name, it is by Shawn Mcdonald and says "the sunsets, the sunrise I will not forget all that you've done for me..." and it raced me back to moments past.... Preston and I listened randomly to that song throughout our days. It wasn't a special song, we liked it, but we could take it or leave it. However, this moment this song captured my heart and pulled me back into the sweet moments of Preston and Tara. I remembered running errands with him around NE Portland... every day things that were mundane, but are now precious - so don't take even those little things for granted, thank God you have them. I wished I could put the song on repeat and just for a few moments live in yesterday.

I feel SO far away from Preston. I know that he will always be apart of Tara, Micah and Jacob, BUT what I mean is that I am drifting further and further from Preston and Tara and that is excruciatingly difficult. When you imagine your entire future with someone and then that dream becomes an impossibility and there's not a thing you can do about it..... well there are no words to even describe how crappy that is. When someone you love dies there is an obvious void, but the hardest part to accept is just that...knowing there is a void that wont' ever be filled. There are a billion things in life we can "fix" or make better, but not death.
SO THEN... I was journaling my tears and then my rage and while I was in my rage I looked over at a picture of Preston - the one where he has a thumbs up and looks so happy. I instantly thought... LOOK UP Tara... Preston would not want you to soak in this moment of anger about a reality you can't change...yes live here for a moment, but DON'T soak - look upwards, to God and the eternal perspective you so believe in. And so I did. It's really like running a nasty marathon... in my friend Shelly's words, "you feel like you're gonna die, but you just keep going and you somehow finish" and so I did...i looked to God and managed to praise him in the storm... i had to, it would be ridiculous and do nothing for me to stay there. I find the deeper I grow in my relationship with the Lord the easier these "drowning" moments are to come out of...
Pastor Jim said it perfectly today, (hit me with a punch and brought peace)
"As believers in our Lord Jesus Christ, our hope DOES NOT reside in the rescue of American ideals... or the realization of the American dream from an economic nightmare. That ship has sailed. Besides, it was a destination to Nowhere. For us, the prophet Isaiah put it well:
One day God
"Will swallow up death FOREVER.
The Sovereign LORD will wipe away the tears
from all faces;
he will remove the disgrace of his people
from all the earth.
For The LORD has spoken."

This is MY God, the God whom I put my trust and hope in - how incredible!

8 comments:

Pam said...

It is hard to move on without Preston but we have to! I'm very proud of you! Keep looking up, knowing that Preston is where he wants to be....with His precious Lord and Savior! We too will be there with him someday soon! As we both know, this lifetime is very short! I love you Tara! You and the boys mean everything to Phil and I!

Malory said...

Hey poop...I'm sorry this is reality. I would give anything to change it for you...for us...but I love you so much and you know whats neat, is that God has been laying you on my heart extra much these past few days...he knows when you need the extra prayers and he lets his people know it so that you will be lifted up and strengthened! I Love you and I can't wait to see you! Your one and only super awesome...super tired sister (i just ogt off night shift...)

Elissa said...

I continue to check your blog sporadically. I am praying the Lord will grant you even just a small amount of peace...and comfort. Even in very small ways today. He loves you SO much!

KK said...

Praying for you. I don't know how we'd get through something like this without HIS strength. Also loved Esther!

Risa said...

Tara,
I'm remembering you in my prayers.

Kristin said...

So proud of you, buddy! Your words are beautiful as you share your story.

Heidi said...

Tara,

Hi! My name is Heidi, and somehow I came across your blog this spring. I check on it every so often but have never made a comment (I guess that makes me a lurker!), but I wanted to tell you that I'm also doing the Esther study right now and last night we watched the Week 4 video where Beth talked about facing our greatest fears (I'm not sure if you've done that one yet, but it's GREAT), and you kept coming to my mind while watching the video. When you watch that one (if you haven't yet) I think you'll know why...anyways, I just thought it was neat when I happened to check your blog this morning and you talked about doing the Esther study. So I decided I should finally post and say hi, and let you know that you are a great source of encouragement to me when I fear (yes, that's related to the Esther video!) something happening to my husband or children. You have reminded me that God would be my strength and He would still be there. Thank you for sharing your story and your life with us.

Heidi
hjsmith373@cs.com

Tricia York said...

What an excellent reminder. I needed to hear that! Thank you, Tara!