Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Remembering our Engagement

Being "kids" on lover lane at BBC

Typical conversation :)

Our first date - look how young we were!! (18)

Today is a day that many remember the sacrifices of members of the armed forces and of civilians in times of war, and we should... they are stronger than I! But today I also remember the day that Preston and I got engaged. It was a crisp late fall day when Preston and I decided to step into the rest of our lives together. Two journeys colliding into what we believed would be Preston and Tara - forever. The memories of that day are sweet, they are innocent and blushing with an extreme passion known only as true love.

Preston and I were attending Briercrest Bible College at the time and were into our second year. We were going on a date to the "big" city of Regina - whoo hoo! (i hear the laughs) and we went to our favorite restaurant Montana's - we ate more than our tummies should handle, have you ever experienced their mile high mud pie? YUM! That night we did. Then I asked Preston if we could go dancing... not clubbing. Just me and him under the stars with our favorite band playing... he looked at me and said, "Well Tara, that was already in the plans" (yay!) Leave it to me to ruin the surprise! So we went downtown to the river by the parliament buildings. He pushed play and we met on the rivershore, Switchfoot began to sing 'our' song - On Fire and we danced. Nothing fancy - I think it was more like hugging and gliding back and forth - hey we had to keep warm:) Preston is noticably quiet. Then he steps back and puts his hand in his pocket and I'm like oh my gosh, he's going to pop the question - weird he's not on one knee...maybe he doesn't know he's supposed to! but I really didn't care. Then he pulls out my thumb ring i had been wearing at dinner and says, "I gotcha!" What! we laughed - that was us and he was so dang nervous i think he just wanted to have a practice run! Then a second later he gets down on one knee cause he really was that smart and after he pulls out the real ring says, "Tara I would be honored if you would be my wife, will you marry me?" YES! We kissed and hugged and got so excited at our new future. Then we raced back to school. I ran onto my hall and was greeted by the lovely ladies of whit 2 who joyfully did the "someone's engaged scream (there is a certain girly scream that announces it to all) and we drank Christian wine - bubbly apple cider stuff with our friends in the beloved whit foyer. We didn't sleep much that night;)

But today these memories are also bitter and what was once so wonderful stings so deep. The future that we once thought we had captured as our life together was suddenly (and without our permission!) taken from our hands. And our dreams could be no more.
I am not weeping solely bitter tears, they are mixed with the sweetness and love that we did share. The kisses, the morning snuggles the long talks, growing up together.... I cherish those moments but it is so so so painful to have the daily moments with Preston replaced with silence. I MISS YOU. I know that we were blessed with an incredible and passionate love - God knew our time was short, and He is gracious. It is just the pain of realizing that OUR journey together is finished - hard words to even think about.
It is often very difficult not to be envious of the friends who married when we did but who are still growing in their relationship and adding to their families. But the truth is really like it is every time I have a time of great sorrow, that I cannot remain here...sometimes I really want to... it seems easier to sulk and feel sorry for yourself then to call on the Lord and work through (emphasis the word WORK) this moment. I will try and cherish the memories and even relive them step by step in my mind and then I will begin again to move on in my new journey.... it is in these moments I feel the Lord's grace fall like rain - this is a good place to begin tomorrow.

8 comments:

Erin said...

beautiful memories Tara, thanks for sharing :) i remember hearing those girly engagement announcement screams many times over the years i spent there!

Anonymous said...

sweet memories! praying for God's grace to continue to fall on you!
renee

ashleyalvina said...

Tara,
These words are so beautiful – I’m now at a teary eyed, misty hearted standstill. I remember so many things about school, and one specifically was that time I walked out of Whit 2 and saw you and Preston standing by the cafeteria doors, and I just remember stopping and going “Huh!” In my head, because I *knew* you two would end up together. And I remember you guys getting engaged and being like “HA! I am SO gifted!” hahaha just kidding (only kind of not :) ). You two certainly were (and in many ways still are) destined for the greater good of God’s purposes. My heart will ache with yours today (even though you wrote this yesterday…), and I will continue to lift you up into the hands of our gracious Father. You are incredibly loved Tara!

Malory said...

Hey T-Dot, that was a good post, you really are a gifted writer, you should start believing it! I prayed specially for you yesterday, I always remember that day as you and Preston, everytime I hear Nov. 11, I think of it. I just always hesitate to bring things up, cuz I don't want to make you sadder if you weren't already. I love you! And I can't wait to see you kinda soon!

Mandi Bartel said...

I remember this evening like it was yesterday. We sat in the metal shelving outside the caf...then hung out in your room later. What a special day! I just had an awesome idea for the boys...you could ask people to write them letters about these significant days like engagement, bible school, portland, wedding...and then put them in one of your scrap books. I'm sure there would be some crazy stories...just an idea.

you're the best!

m

Katie Spinks said...

I like Mandi's idea - if you haven't already thought of it. And I agree you really are the best! What a special day yesterday was for many reasons but especially for you as you look back and yet as special as Remembrance Day is it brings with it the sting of death, the pain and sadness .... The love you and Preston shared was magical you could tell that God had made you two for each other and what you two shared in what we consider a lifetime cut too short some will spend a lifetime trying to have. You are loved girl not just today or yesterday but every day to come.

Robin Forsyth said...

Tara,

I loved the pictures of you and Preston...you made such a sweet couple!!

You should publish a book of your story...you have wonderful writing skills. Your walk with the Lord combined with your gift of writing would inspire so many readers.

Anonymous said...

i agree with mandi and robins ideas :) it would be a great idea to get letters from everyone and laminate them or put them in a scrapbook sort of idea for the boys to read later (and you as well!). as well i think u are a great writer, and should do a book :)

that said, i didnt know u were engaged on nov 11th....our friends birthday is that day and he calls it remember me day :) would suit you guys too "remember us" day :)

love u!
STEF