Saturday, December 19, 2009

Moving on....

It goes without saying that I have been grieving the loss of Preston for quite some time now... it comes in waves. Sometimes I miss him terribly and other times I'm more ok with what our life is. The latter of those feelings occurs more and more as time passes, AND as I am trusting that this was the Lords plan. From before time began Preston's first breath to his last were written down. He wasn't meant to be here today (I know he's ok with that!) and because the Lord works everything out for the good of those who love him then I know that we will be ok, the God who created this universe will not leave me out to dry - he has proved that over and over and over, he has and IS taking wonderful care of us.

As I grieve and even say good bye to 'Preston and Tara' (physically speaking) my mind is intrigued by the tomorrows - this is BIG for me to say when once I could only think about living the next hour let alone the next day! I guess you would say, in some form I'm beginning to move on - NEVER forgetting, but you cannot live in the past, you will drown and probably rot - seems like a strong word but fitting. I am realizing in a big way that a good life can still exist outside of the life I once knew as good. God gave me a wonderful relationship that I will always cherish and be thankful for. He gave me two wonderful, adorable little boys from Preston and they will always remind me of their daddy. I have so much to be thankful for. Much of who Preston was has made me into who I am today and i still continue to learn and be inspired by his life and character.
I loved Preston with all of my heart and I know he did the same, how amazing to be loved and to love! So today when I was reading another "widow's" blog (I still hate that word) she took the words straight out of my mouth, I can't say it any better so I'll let her.... "since I've had a big taste of what it's like to be happy with someone else, I don't think I want to live the rest of my life without that." That is the point all the above is trying to make. I want to love again because I've tasted love and it's incredible - it has made me a better person. Maybe my destiny is to be a single mom and alone, but I pray it's not. It's hard for me to tell you these words because I fear ppl won't accept them or judge me but I feel so strongly that God is leading me on this journey and this is where I'm at now. It really doesn't matter what ppl think because this is my reality and my journey.... I just couldn't hold out on sharing my heart any longer. And please don't get me wrong, I'm not saying I'm going to date tomorrow - I'm just thinking about what the future may hold. A year ago I couldn't even imagine saying these words, no one could replace Preston. AND no one will - it would be different and yet still will be beautiful.

12 comments:

Anonymous said...

Tara, I pray that you do find somebody else, who loves you and accepts your life story and your children. I wouldn't want to be alone either, I do not blame you. I hope nobody judges you either, I always am amazed at how honest you are, thank you for sharing.

Melissa Hoeker

Anonymous said...

you are amazing! and i agree with u completely and hope for u too to find someone else to love!

Chillin' with Lemonade said...

Tara,

It has been such an encouragement to read your blog and "Sweet Caroline"'s. I find a lot of comfort reading other widows blogs. they just "get it." Yours is filled with the Truth and scriptures that is so encouraging.

Leanne Marie said...

My dear friend thank you for sharing your heart! So sweet Jesus bring someone into Tara's life who will love her and her amazing boys, and who she will be able to love in return!

You never when know when Jesus will answer your prayer. You may think it will never happen and then poof it happens rather quickly.

Love you girl!!!!!

Anonymous said...

Hi Tara. I have known you for years, and think that you are an amazing and strong person. I have followed your blog and it has given me strength in difficult times. Thank you for always being so open and honest. I think that what you have written in your latest post is a very difficult thing to share, and a difficult realization to come to when you have loved somebody so much.

However, I don't think that this realization in any way takes away from the love that you felt for Preston...but shows how much you are capable of giving and sharing with others in your life.

Anonymous said...

Tara, I have been following your blog for about a year. Just a week or so ago, I was thinking that you might be ready for another relationship at some point, that you might be ready to to be open to it soon. I too pray for this blessing in your life. The right person at the right time, I know it will be God's blessing. Preston obviously was God's plan and blessing in your life, but God has a plan to bless you the rest of your life, too! I appreciate your honesty. You are a blessing to me and many others, and have so much to give. I believe some man will be very blessed to have you in his life. We will see what God will do!

Blessings to you!!
Nancy Jones (Ben Spiegel's aunt)

ashleyalvina said...

Oh Tara,
you have no idea how these words have healed even some of the brokenness in my own life. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

love
ashley

Saylorsmom said...

I really admire the way you view your situation. I am sure God has a wonderful plan for you to find love again and that person will love that you haven't stopped loving Preston just because he is no longer here. I know he is so proud of the mother and person you are today. May God bless you and your family and I hope you have a wonderful holiday season.

Risa said...

Tara,

Complete trust in God's goodness, is what I saw as I read this post.

Your hope to see what the Lord has in store for you from here on...gave me so much courage.

My husband and I are leaving for Ukraine soon to meet "our kids" that we know nothing about---age or gender,and we don't even know how many kids we'll come back with. But we, too, want to trust that we're in the hands of good God---it was his plan all along for us to experience heartaches in the past and yet we are not to give up hope for the future...

I want to tell you how much your life touched mine and inspired me to keep going as I walk the path God is giving me...

So thanks again for sharing, and I look forward to reading your future stories.

Hope you had a wonderful Christmas!

TJ & Cheryl said...

What a beautiful desire and such a testament to your marriage that you have the openness to another. Beautiful!

Becky said...

Tara,

No one would think badly of you or judge you. Everyone wants the best for you and your children. Especially Preston! I pray for your happiness in anyway you find it! We love you so much and I love to read your blog as it helps me grow closer to God! Thank you for helping my relationship with Him!

kristendyan said...

hi,
you don't know me at all but i read your blog from time to time because it's very inspiring to me ... to live my life with purpose, because that's what you've been doing even in the midst of pain and chaos.

i'm a friend of claudia's, that is how i found your blog ... i am incredibly inspired by the way you've trusted God on each step of this journey.

I was reading some of your blogs about a month ago and my heart felt compelled to pray for you and your boys. Along with comfort and peace, I also prayed that sometime, when the time is right, God would bring someone else into your lives, someone who could add to your joy and be a rock for you just as Preston was.

It warms my heart to see that God is opening your heart to the possibility. As you said ... God has a plan. Who knows what it might be, but the way that you trust him WHOLEHEARTEDLY is such an inspiration to me. Thank you.