Saturday, December 19, 2009

Today....

Lot's of thoughts on my mind...

To look back on pictures and video of Preston and to see the memories in real color not just in my mind does something wild to my heart. Lump forms in my throat, and it’s difficult to swallow let alone breath. A feeling of paralysis overwhelms my body. A war brews in my mind, I don’t, I can’t move to the next thought…. Because the next thought is the end… the end that Tara and Preston are [humanly] speaking no more, those memories are all that is left and ”till death do us part” has become our reality. Our hopes and our future together have been torn from us.

When I think back to “us” I remember a simple life - for the most part. The memories that stand out the most are a couple striving to get through college, it was such a simple life from the life I know now. I was looking through a friends pictures the other day – her and her husband just a few years into their marriage and I could tell from the pictures that they definitely didn’t have a money tree growing in their backyard, but what I saw was absolute joy – joy in being together and being with friends making ginger bread houses, icing sugar everywhere and laughter filling the room. It is those memories that I cherish… we were blessed to live in married student housing when we first got married and it was amazing! To walk in the beginning stages of marriage alongside others doing the exact same thing and amidst some who have walked that journey for quite some time was simply astounding.

I wish I would have been told to treasure it more and not wish I had more money or wish we had a house and a white picket fence.... I did love it, we had alot of fun, but now that it's gone and really, really gone for me I wish I could go back for just a moment...ok an hour, maybe a day. To soak in the simple things of life like $40 grocery runs, raman, hot dogs and cheaply decorated walls.

How can someone who was once so near to me be so far… so unreachable? It breaks my heart to know that I once shared in a love so strong and wonderful that is now G O N E forever.

H o w e v e r this only introduces my next point... i think I'll actually write a new blog about it because this one is getting long... and Micah is crying himself to sleep! Why is that so so dang distracting!?

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