Wednesday, December 02, 2009


What I am about to tell you is HUGE HUGE HUGE for me.

Since the accident I have struggled badly with FEAR mostly because my biggest fear came true - my husband died (still saying those words are so difficult and unbelievable). But I am surviving my fear and I am walking through the journey of grieving and I am thankful for how far I have come. I know that God is in control I still fear losing someone else close to me because the thought of hurting like this again is unbearable and I've often caught myself telling God just that. I have known I've been afraid of DEATH and of the dark (ha ha but I'm serious!) for awhile but I haven't dealt with it because there seemed to be so much more at the forefront of this journey to deal with. I worship an absolutely amazing God who has no intention to leave us as we are. My fear was getting worse by the day and was manipulating and slowly crippling my life. It was time to knock FEAR out of my life and overcome myself.

It goes without questioning that we all have fear in our was the "what if's" that were eating me up. Many times we don't name the fear, maybe we joke about it and just accept that we have areas in our life that make us who we are - we cherish our fears and therefore it can make it all the more difficult to let them go. But if there is something threatening your joy and your walk in life, then why not get rid of it, you cannot be who God created you to be with these things in your life. It might be a fight to get rid of it, but a fight well worth it.

The other night I was watching tv and a Christian man from the middle east was talking. He is an ex muslim turned Christian and there is a bounty on his life for an enormous amount (60 million) because of his ministry to reach muslims and share the message and power of Jesus with them. He KNEW there was something very real to fear, talk about a major psychological battle, and still he had an awe-inspiring joy about him and he feared NOTHING. He said, "Because I believe that I am in the hands of God and He protects me and there is no fear," "Jesus said don't fear and there are about 366 promises in the Bible, don't fear." It was like the Lord was talking straight to my face, I hid it in my heart and slept peacefully all night - this was a first in a looong time of unrestful sleeps (due to fear - not baby).
The next day I went to Bible Study and we watched a video from Beth Moore's study on Esther. It shook me to my core and changed me FOREVER!! I walked out of that room feeling refreshed and on my way to being fearless.

Jesus said don't fear but TAKE courage... literally take it! He's offering it. Take it! We're only doing a disservice to ourselves not to. I love this because I never really thought about literally taking it. The biggest thing that penetrated my heart was that no matter what my fear - fear of living "without" or fear of the "what if's," the answer is always - GOD. No matter what may happen in life God will take care of me! It's one of those truths that I've always heard and "known" but to actually let it seep into every ounce of who I am and live it is very different. And this is where I have decided to begin to live.

Death of a loved one is utterly tormenting to live through, it hurts tremendously and shakes your soul to it's core. I pray that this cup passes by me, but to live in this fear is so so not the freedom that Christ intended for us to live in. I find it deeply encouraging to remember that death is NOT our destination, but rather a part of our destiny (Beth Moore said it first:))
I choose to be brave - because Christ is living in and through me - not because I am my own hero - if that were the case I might fall back into my fear in an hour ha ha. So now when I hear a sound at night or fear losing someone I love I still get that prick of fear - but I know better than to stay there and I remember a verse that brings comfort and focus on that and remember that no matter what happens God will be with me.
Death (or fear in general) holds no threat in my life because GOD is bigger than my fears.

"Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgement that something else is more important than fear" - Ambrose Redmoon

"Where, O death, is your victory?
Where, O death, is your sting?" - 1 corinthians 15:55


Pam Newby said...

I'm encouraged from your blog. Living in fear....well its hard to really live when fear controls you. This too is something I've struggled with, but like you I've chosen not to live by it anymore!
Thank you Tara for your honest blogging. It not only helps you heal but helps other people to know how you feel and how to pray for you and the boys as well as love on you guys! Phil and I are very grateful for your church family and friends. Love you!


Malory said...

Good blog Tara, I'm glad that God is drawing you so close to him and teaching you so much. In the end that it all that really matters right! I love you sista!

Anonymous said...

Tara you really contunue to inspire me with your journey.
love you, and see you soon,

Mandi Bartel said...


...gotta love blog spam :)

Leanne said...

I rencently listened to CD on which Beth Moore spoke on fear. The Verse she used was Hab. 3:19 "The Lord God is my strength, my personal bravery, and my invincible army. He makes my feet like hinds feet and will make me to walk [not stand still in terror, but to walk] and make spiritual progress upon my high places of trouble, hardship or responsibility." I love it! I have had to remind myself that God is "my personal bravery" countless times over the last several weeks. It has been so powerful for me. I wish I would have known this verse 20 years ago... I could have really used it!

Anonymous said...

Wow, im speechless. JN

Laurie said...

Great post, Tara! So happy to see the Lord so visibly working in your life and through your grief. I agree that fear is definitely something I struggle with...mostly all the "what ifs?" Your words (and Beth Moore's!) are an encouragement to me as I struggle with fear in my own life. Here is one quote I've always loved...I believe it's a Chinese proverb: "Courage is just fear that has said its prayers." Be encouraged!

Risa said...

Thank you for sharing this...

Our only pregnancy in the seven year of our marriage ended in miscarriage. We prayed, our friends and family prayed for that baby. We didn't get to meet our baby, but we will some day in heaven. We're still a childless couple, but God is faithfully guiding us each day...

Once in a while fear creeps back into my life, too, that says, if God allowed that to happen, then what's next? But you're right, I can't live like that forever... and I don't want to! So thank you for your encouragement!

Amy's Adventures said...

Your blog encourages me so much and this post spoke straight to my heart! I am friends with Laura Holt which is how I found your blog :)

The York Family said...

Tara, THANK YOU for this post! When you lose someone you love, it makes death all to real. I, like you, have struggled with the fear of death since Jimmy passed away. It was so good to be reminded that we should not fear. We serve a God that is bigger than death and I am SO thankful for that!