HUGE

What I am about to tell you is HUGE HUGE HUGE for me.

Since the accident I have struggled badly with FEAR mostly because my biggest fear came true - my husband died (still saying those words are so difficult and unbelievable). But I am surviving my fear and I am walking through the journey of grieving and I am thankful for how far I have come. I know that God is in control I still fear losing someone else close to me because the thought of hurting like this again is unbearable and I've often caught myself telling God just that. I have known I've been afraid of DEATH and of the dark (ha ha but I'm serious!) for awhile but I haven't dealt with it because there seemed to be so much more at the forefront of this journey to deal with. I worship an absolutely amazing God who has no intention to leave us as we are. My fear was getting worse by the day and was manipulating and slowly crippling my life. It was time to knock FEAR out of my life and overcome myself.

It goes without questioning that we all have fear in our life...it was the "what if's" that were eating me up. Many times we don't name the fear, maybe we joke about it and just accept that we have areas in our life that make us who we are - we cherish our fears and therefore it can make it all the more difficult to let them go. But if there is something threatening your joy and your walk in life, then why not get rid of it, you cannot be who God created you to be with these things in your life. It might be a fight to get rid of it, but a fight well worth it.

The other night I was watching tv and a Christian man from the middle east was talking. He is an ex muslim turned Christian and there is a bounty on his life for an enormous amount (60 million) because of his ministry to reach muslims and share the message and power of Jesus with them. He KNEW there was something very real to fear, talk about a major psychological battle, and still he had an awe-inspiring joy about him and he feared NOTHING. He said, "Because I believe that I am in the hands of God and He protects me and there is no fear," "Jesus said don't fear and there are about 366 promises in the Bible, don't fear." It was like the Lord was talking straight to my face, I hid it in my heart and slept peacefully all night - this was a first in a looong time of unrestful sleeps (due to fear - not baby).

The next day I went to Bible Study and we watched a video from Beth Moore's study on Esther. It shook me to my core and changed me FOREVER!! I walked out of that room feeling refreshed and on my way to being fearless.

But Jesus immediately said to them: "Take courage! It is I. Don't be afraid." - matthew 14:27

Jesus said don't fear but TAKE courage... literally take it! He's offering it. Take it! We're only doing a disservice to ourselves not to. I love this because I never really thought about literally taking it. The biggest thing that penetrated my heart was that no matter what my fear - fear of living "without" or fear of the "what if's," the answer is always - GOD. No matter what may happen in life God will take care of me! It's one of those truths that I've always heard and "known" but to actually let it seep into every ounce of who I am and live it is very different. And this is where I have decided to begin to live.

Death of a loved one is utterly tormenting to live through, it hurts tremendously and shakes your soul to it's core. I pray that this cup passes by me, but to live in this fear is so so not the freedom that Christ intended for us to live in. I find it deeply encouraging to remember that death is NOT our destination, but rather a part of our destiny (Beth Moore said it first:))

I choose to be brave - because Christ is living in and through me - not because I am my own hero - if that were the case I might fall back into my fear in an hour ha ha. So now when I hear a sound at night or fear losing someone I love I still get that prick of fear - but I know better than to stay there and I remember a verse that brings comfort and focus on that and remember that no matter what happens God will be with me.

Death (or fear in general) holds no threat in my life because GOD is bigger than my fears.

"Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgement that something else is more important than fear" - Ambrose Redmoon

"Where, O death, is your victory?
Where, O death, is your sting?" - 1 corinthians 15:55