Thursday, January 21, 2010

Home again...

We are home again! We were in BC for Christmas and New Years and everything in between and after, we were there for awhile! But it was such a blessing have the help of my family. And they let me sleep in once in awhile which is awesome. I got to visit with alot of wonderful friends and played the wii for the first time! I know it's been out forever and I just played, but seriously... I love it! I am slightly competitive, but mostly I just want to have fun and I definitely did that!

We have traveled so much since the accident, so Jake is a well versed traveler. But since the event of that awful man who attempted to blow up a plane, but blew up his family jewels instead airport security coming into the states is appalling. First they searched every single item we had in our carry ons which wasn't too many because you are only allowed one carry on each, but still when you have two under two it's tedious. Then we were ushered into a roped off area for passengers bound to the US, but they don't tell you that you're roped off from the rest of airport civilization until you attempt to get out and are met by a security guard - which obviously happened to us! I was like, "how do you get out!?" and the security guard said with such distaste that we were trapped until our plane was ready to go. When it was time we were led by the security guards, followed by one RCMP (which translated in American = Police officer) Can you say CRAZY!!! Thankfully the kids did well and the flights were great.

Coming home is never great, but it had been getting easier and less emotional. However.... this time while we were walking to get our bags and passing through the area where family and friends waits to greet their loved ones tears stung my eyes. To the left a couple in a tight embrace, to the right an intact family greeting their daddy. I walked faster and faster, my mind flooding with memories. Whenever I had come back from a trip Preston was there to welcome me home, and he always came with flowers in hand - gerber daisies or roses. And then of course came the wonderful hug that I can still feel... and the drive home was sweet too, always so much to talk about after a trip and an exciting night ahead being together as a family again.
So you can see what was weighing on my heart.
We got our bags and waited for Laurel, my cousin, to pick us up. And guess what? She got me flowers!!! And more specifically, gerber daisies. Isn't God absolutely amazing!!! Only he could have orchestrated such an amazing event. I was like "Laurel, you have no idea how much this means." She knows I was thankful, but she'll never know how much it meant. She also brought us other treats to refresh us. That set the mood for the night and coming home was actually enjoyable, wow that is a first!! And even greater is the reminder the Lord gave me that he is so very much in control, I've been slacking a little in my time with him, but he never forgets me... what a lesson.

Ok in other news, an update on the boys! Micah is cute as ever, sweetest boy during the day, and a nightmare at night. He still wakes at least 5 times and he's nine months! I'm just praying it ends soon. He's crawling up a storm and into everything! Jake is turning into such a little boy. He says the cutest things! Last week he was riding his (fake) pony and I said, "Jake, you're a cowboy!" he looks at me and is like, "mommy, I a horsey boy!" like duh mom, I'm on a horse! But the saddest thing came tonight... he's said this once before and it's a reminder that although he may forget the memories he's had with Preston, the grief he'll experience is only beginning. We were with some good friends tonight and the dad was playing with his boys and Jake, and he LOVED it, I think he's quite fond of this guy and thinks he's alot of fun. Anyway, we're walking out and Jake sais, "Mommy, their daddy not in Heaven..." as if it's as normal as noticing a I wear earrings. It really makes my heart break, I think so often that I can get through this, but why do they have to be without a daddy?
Jake also struggles alot with fears, his current fears are angels (there is a long story to this one) and shadows, oh and occasionally monsters. I know this is normal toddler stuff, but it's been the same thing for a month now, so if anyone has any tips on how they helped their fear ridden toddler let me know! I am starting to read a bible story with him right before bed so that's the last thing on his mind... I'm just praying about it alot and hoping it goes away because I know fear can be crippling (yes even if you're two) and I know even more that God is SO much bigger than any fear we have.
Oh and one prayer request, we have a woman's retreat coming up and my mom is going to come down to help out so I can go for the day, but I'm totally nervous! I'm only going for like 16hrs, but that seems like forever!!! Especially leaving Micah, Jake I'm like hey he's fine!! But sweet Micah needs his mama! I'm still nursing so I need him too (ha ha) but leaving before they wake and coming home after they go to bed... I don't want to do it, but I do... so pray I'll have peace.


Mrs Changstein said...

Hi Tara,

I've been lurking for a while, rarely leaving a comment.

Our son who was also afraid of monsters & bad guys at night - so we all sat down after dinner one night & made a weapon for him to use to "get" the bad guys - it was a cardboard roll wrapped in foil - his back up was his light sabre - and put it by his bed where he could reach it. Then, after we prayed @ bedtime, he took a few practice jabs w/it, and it really really helped. We role played it a couple of times after that too - Mom falling to the floor moaning & groaning gave him a great visual about how it would work on the monsters & bad guys!

Hope this helps - your family is in my prayers often! Cindy (a Briercrest alum from BC)

Zahra said...

Hi Tara,
A friend told me about your blog. First of all, my heart goes out to you and your 2 boys. What you are going through is very difficult. I know. I lost my husband in a car accident 16 weeks ago today. Our daughter was 4 months old and our son just turned 3 years. I am still in disbelief that our life has turned upside down. My son also wakes up during the night. He used to wake up screaming saying he was dreaming about Daddy. I would eventually have to turn on the light and read him stories to get his mind off things. I started to say a few prayers with him at bedtime which seemed to put him more at peace. Now he just wakes up and wonders to my room quietly.
Preston sounded alot like Ted. Ted always bought be Gerberas! What we had in 5 years of marriage, some people don't get in 30 years. However, just like you, I wanted more...needed more.
Seeing how you are managing, gives me hope. Some days are very hard.
You are in my thoughts....

ashleyalvina said...

Tara you've been on my mind so much this week...nay, so much on my HEART, that a few times I even went to your facebook and blog to look for updates....reading this blog makes sense. God really is caring for you in so many ways, even in ways you can't see! I know you know this, but this week reminded me (for me, too) that God is constantly at work for us.

Love you to bits & looking forward to the day I get to meet the boys in person :)


Anonymous said...

Ahh Tara, God is good. I love it when He works things out like your fav flowers. I am so glad you had a smooth transition back home this time. I pray many, many more for you. The only thing I have done with my kids when they have bad dreams is try to pray with them before bedtime and pray they dont have them first of all and then if they ever do we pray again and I assure them the Lord is watching over them. I have a friend who keeps a water spray bottle next to her kids beds and they spray the shadows and everything it touches melt. I think she used a Packing Popcorn(the kind that melt in water) to explain what happens when the special monster water gets on them. I dont know what you will do with your boys but I pray this stage ends quickly no matter what. I love you and your boys Tara and pray for many wonderful days ahead. JN

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