Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Just sitting here...

Well, I am just sitting here, I should be sleeping, but Jake went to bed super late tonight - note to self, NEVER give a two year old a chocolate cupcake for dessert; and I need some Tara time, i can't ever sleep until I write or read.

I love to write, never have I realized how healing it is for me. I still have my dorky journals from third grade. The teacher always made us write about our day, what we were doing or going to do. I'm not sure if she realized that third graders didn't have that much going on, or maybe it was just me, so my friend and I, on a regular basis made crazy crazy things up about our daily adventures - I think I didn't consider it lying because it was so funny (bad moral lesson I know...) My teacher never fell for our schemes, as the pages of my journal are packed with comments like, "oh really?!" or "did you tell your mother about that one?" Nevertheless, I'm glad they made us journal from an early age, not only have the pages of my journals stored incredible memories, and every weekly crush I had in school, but they also hold deep lessons that I have learned throughout the years.
I am writing a book, a book about the love and life that Preston and I shared. I don't know if it is something that will be publishable, they might just write me back with a big sticky note saying, "Try writing childrens books instead" on it, but at least my children can see the legacy and life that their father left behind. My goal to have the book done is fall of 2O10, not published by then, just finished on my end. Maybe if I tell you I'll be more motivated to finish! I'm thinking of taking some writing classes, a friend did and said it was awesome. I don't want my book to be just another book about the lessons of grief, although some of that is inevitable, so as i write I'm trusting that God will lead and direct my words and make it into something beautiful and useful.
The writing process is so amazing to me. As I write each part of our life together I grieve that time. For a moment I get to relive the past, although it's not half as good as the real thing i consider it a gift to be absorbed in memories for even just a little while. When I think of Preston ever day i remember such a faint part of such a detailed picture. So when I write I remember little things, invaluable things like fondue night, or how we celebrated the arrival of my green card, or how I felt when I saw him walk through the door each day.
Maybe this is a gift more to myself than to my boys... hmm...
I am also realizing through looking at our past, that there are certain areas of our life that I haven't dealt with, areas that I didn't do so good in and things that I should change, or areas that i'm a little bitter about (ew I hate bitterness) and on a good note, there are areas where I totally stunk at something but I don't anymore and it's amazing to see the growth.
As I step into each journey we walked and then step out, I am able to say goodbye to Preston and Tara. Not goodbye like, so long, fairwell, I hope I never see you again, but goodbye enough to cherish the memories instead of desperately wishing I was there instead of here. I am embracing the past and allowing God to mold me through it so that I can somehow have a healthy and hopefully happy future. It's hearbreaking, incredible, surreal, beautiful and a whole mix of emotion to write "our story" but I think in years to come I'll be so glad I took this walk and wrote all I did....
Ok, enough about me! Has journaling been healing for you?

5 comments:

Abbi said...

Tara, because I don't know how else to contact you... On the news today here in Dallas/Ft. Worth area, an Arlington motorcycle police officer was killed when he was attempting to pull over a speeding vehicle and was hit by a school bus. He has a 2 year old and just recently he and his wife found out they were pregnant with their second wife. I immediately thought of you and your strength...

http://www.nbcdfw.com/news/local-beat/Arlington-Cop-Hit-By-School-Bus-81316632.html

ashleyalvina said...

I have been journalling in some fashion since I could hold a pencil, I think. At first they were filled out by assignment, like you ("I love puppies and kitties" I wrote, and my grade one teacher wrote: "You *know* puppies and kitties get bigger, right?").

In grade 8, a former student & then University Lit student came in to our english class and talked about journaling. I went home immediately after school and started my first one - and haven't stopped since. Now it's transformed itself into every aspect I think there can be: poetry, song writing, my blog, book(s?); and my faithful journal still sits by my bedside!

I've said before that "I write for me" - I would write even if nobody ever read it. I have no doubt that this book is going to be a large part in your healing process, as well as the healing processes of many others who knew him!

love ya
a.

Andrea said...

Awe pooper... I'm so happy you are writing a book!!!
I still have all my journals from when we were roommies at BBC... I re read them every year just for a good laugh... I wrote all about when you first met Preston, and how that one night he gave you a blue rose and you had never told him that that was your favorite flower... I think I even wrote in the part that it made me cry!! ha silly me but man do they help with keeping the memories fresh and beautiful! Love you crusty booger!

Anonymous said...

Good for you Tara, your book will be amazing I am sure! We just finished doing a ladies bible study and one of the weeks was on journaling and the power that is in it, as well as the freedom that you get once you write things down. I am glad that writing is helping you through a difficult time. I love reading your blog and look foreward to reading your book one day :) Thinking of you often.

Shawna

Bearing the Bering said...

Journaling is the only way I can see my thoughts. I started a blog this year about being married to a fisherman, and interviewed other wives in the same situation. I don't even like the thought of being separated from my husband for our earthly lifespan. I lost a brother I was very close too years ago and writing about that in my college years was helpful, but I still feel the pain of that loss today. Thank you for sharing your life with strangers. I know it's not easy! Keep writing!