Hearts

Oh Valentines day..... you suck. There I said it, I've been wanting to say it all week. It's obvious why, it's just sad.  The other night as I was working on organizing my cook book I grabbed an old binder to fill with recipes torn out of magazines and out of the binder fell four pieces of paper.
One, a handmade card made by non other than Preston Newby for me for Valentines day
Two, a creative letter from me to Preston for Valentines day
Three, a homemade coupon from Preston for "an amazing dessert" (we were poor, yet creative)
Four, an apology letter from Preston, 
How ironic to find these so randomly placed on such an appropriate week, the valentines letters were from our last v-day together - God, you're awesome.


There are times when I read old letters and I am thankful I could share in such a beautiful love, and other moments when I read an old letter and I fall apart.
This time, I put the letters aside to read at a time more meaningful than in front of the TV.  Reading Preston's letters draw me into "us" again and I embrace each word as if he was there speaking them to me. I waited until I was in bed for the night, so I read and read and read again and lay down to sleep and then... I just burst into tears! I am not a big crier, I don't try not to cry, the tears are just difficult to come, doesn't mean I don't grieve, I just get out my emotion through journalling and talking. So I was shocked at myself, at the raw emotion that quickly began to entertain the pain I felt Sept 16th, 2008 (the day after). I lived in the moment and I cried until there were no tears left and then I fell asleep, focusing on the promise that joy comes with the morning. And it did.


And what was different is that my heart was lighter. It has been lighter for quite some time, but even more so this day.  I felt as though "I remembered 'Preston' best...it was if the lifting of the sorrow removed a barrier." I don't mean to say, 'I got over it', but 'I remember him better because I have partly got over it" (inspired and quoted from 'a grief observed'  CS Lewis) Memories still sting, but day by day and sometimes moment by moment the memories make me smile instead of cry, they make me laugh instead of tremble. I know I will grieve new layers of the realities of losing Preston for the rest of my life, but somehow, through God moving in ways I can't even comprehend my suffering will produce perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope (Romans 5:3).


So it is a daunting week, and feels incredibly looooong, my emotions are like a rollercoaster and my heart has cried out to the Lord (and my mother) on several occasions, but I am still growing.
    I will fight the urge to sulk,
            I will focus on what I DO have
                  I will clasp my heart around my boys
                        I will cling to my sweet Savior
                               I will not let this week be a waste
                        And I will because God IS.


I'm still going with the feeling that Valentines day sucks, but I'm not going to ignore the day, I think that would make it worse after the fact because i wouldn't be dealing with it (when I know I am capable of dealing with it)  I've always loved V-day, so I'll do something fun and simple with the boys and mom (she's visiting), even if it's just eating an entire bag of lindt chocolate (my fav) and telling my babies I love them over and over again.