Friday, February 12, 2010

Hearts

Oh Valentines day..... you suck. There I said it, I've been wanting to say it all week. It's obvious why, it's just sad.  The other night as I was working on organizing my cook book I grabbed an old binder to fill with recipes torn out of magazines and out of the binder fell four pieces of paper.
One, a handmade card made by non other than Preston Newby for me for Valentines day
Two, a creative letter from me to Preston for Valentines day
Three, a homemade coupon from Preston for "an amazing dessert" (we were poor, yet creative)
Four, an apology letter from Preston, 
How ironic to find these so randomly placed on such an appropriate week, the valentines letters were from our last v-day together - God, you're awesome.


There are times when I read old letters and I am thankful I could share in such a beautiful love, and other moments when I read an old letter and I fall apart.
This time, I put the letters aside to read at a time more meaningful than in front of the TV.  Reading Preston's letters draw me into "us" again and I embrace each word as if he was there speaking them to me. I waited until I was in bed for the night, so I read and read and read again and lay down to sleep and then... I just burst into tears! I am not a big crier, I don't try not to cry, the tears are just difficult to come, doesn't mean I don't grieve, I just get out my emotion through journalling and talking. So I was shocked at myself, at the raw emotion that quickly began to entertain the pain I felt Sept 16th, 2008 (the day after). I lived in the moment and I cried until there were no tears left and then I fell asleep, focusing on the promise that joy comes with the morning. And it did.


And what was different is that my heart was lighter. It has been lighter for quite some time, but even more so this day.  I felt as though "I remembered 'Preston' best...it was if the lifting of the sorrow removed a barrier." I don't mean to say, 'I got over it', but 'I remember him better because I have partly got over it" (inspired and quoted from 'a grief observed'  CS Lewis) Memories still sting, but day by day and sometimes moment by moment the memories make me smile instead of cry, they make me laugh instead of tremble. I know I will grieve new layers of the realities of losing Preston for the rest of my life, but somehow, through God moving in ways I can't even comprehend my suffering will produce perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope (Romans 5:3).


So it is a daunting week, and feels incredibly looooong, my emotions are like a rollercoaster and my heart has cried out to the Lord (and my mother) on several occasions, but I am still growing.
    I will fight the urge to sulk,
            I will focus on what I DO have
                  I will clasp my heart around my boys
                        I will cling to my sweet Savior
                               I will not let this week be a waste
                        And I will because God IS.


I'm still going with the feeling that Valentines day sucks, but I'm not going to ignore the day, I think that would make it worse after the fact because i wouldn't be dealing with it (when I know I am capable of dealing with it)  I've always loved V-day, so I'll do something fun and simple with the boys and mom (she's visiting), even if it's just eating an entire bag of lindt chocolate (my fav) and telling my babies I love them over and over again.

8 comments:

Kate said...

I have long been a big supporter of boxing day valentines day... ie the day after valentines day. I feel it is a much better day to celebrate - cheap chocolate!!! ;)

Hugs and Love
kate steiner

Malory said...

Good one chicken butt. You inspire me sister!

Bonnie said...

I agree. It sucks. Majorly. Love your honesty, Tara.
What a gift from God finding those letters!! Each time something like that happens it reaffirms to me that God is saying "I'm here, I haven't forgotten you or your pain."
LOVE YOU TARA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Whitney said...

Yay just saw Canada get their first gold medal in moguls, anywho just thought of you- go Canada! Lol. thanks for showing me love on my blog, it's kinda funny how being authentic and not fake/conformist/wannabe-cool really repels people, or gets you close friends. You definitely fall into the close friend category! Happy Valentine's Day- you are a SWEET HEART! I know we are far apart now but you will definitely be a Thompson family lifelong pal and I can't wait to see how God works in your life over the years! xoxo- Whitney

Marie said...

I love you Tara. Thank you for sharing such raw emotion with us. I just want to cry for you and take the pain away from you. I also love the C.S. Lewis and I am so thankful that you experienced Preston in a new way. I remember that so clearly from the book and I am wainting for that day still. I am so proud of you for crying, grieving and still loving God. Many prayers to you today. Marie

Kelly said...

I came across your blog from another blog I was reading. I am in tears as I read your story. I lost my husband in 2005 to an illness. I also had small children. God is good and His grace is sufficent. He has brought me so far since that day in 2005. I will pray for you and your children that God will comfort you.

Mommy of Boys said...

I was trying to clean out my email inbox and work and created new folders to tuck important work-related emails. In my saving, I found an entire file full of emails from Brad (my husband who died January 6, 2009). It was such a treasure. I still haven't read many in there, but it was wonderful to find them!

Wander said...

Tara
You are so inspirational!
I've been reading over some of your posts and I can just feel your love for God and Preston.

Your testimony is incredible. I'm so glad I found your sweet blog!
I'm praying for God to hold you tight and fill your days with His peace.