Tuesday, March 02, 2010

Struggling....

I am so not the person who enjoys in any way to write that I'm not doing so good.... I hate it actually, but I know those of you who read this for the most part care about me and I need you to keep praying for me! 
There are countless times in our life when we're feeling an emotional heap of this and that and thinking what is going on in this crazy mind, I get annoyed with myself in moments like this, trying to sort and process it all. And asking myself, how long will I stay here for, what is God teaching me through all this... But in my experience God has always turned those moments into lessons and I've been able to look back and see beauty created out of a jumble of feelings and those are the moments that have made me who I am today. But right now, I'm kind of in the middle of a deep down time... of wondering what the heck God is doing in my life... what is he trying to teach me? Is my purpose to solely stay at home with my boys? what about all my dreams and goals? (slightly selfish) I'm in a fog and it's difficult, really difficult to see through the other side, oh wait seeing the future is impossible, dang it.

Church captured a sweet moment yesterday and I really felt the Lord tugging at my heart. Pastor Jim said one simple statement that dropped me to my knees. He said, "Your number one goal should be to serve Jesus" hmmm.... so true, and I've heard it a million times, but when God wants to etch a truth into your heart he will and this time he did more so than ever before.  I really, really struggle adapting to being a mom, not that I'm bad at it... I love it, when I'm not with the boys I miss them terribly, but when I'm with them I question can God really use me when I'm wiping butts and making baby food? I also wish I had more time to paint or start my own business or fulfill my dreams...SO, it's a tug of war for me trying to balance what I want and love with what I want and think I'll love (I hope that came out right).  But I just need to serve Jesus, wherever I am in life. 

Ok! Wow... so as I was writing this I stopped to take a breather, writing your personal thoughts can be intense! I opened a tab to the "Desiring God" website and clicked on the first link that caught my eye... what I read blew me away, I didn't expect God to work this fast (and he will keep working I'm sure). I know this isn't as profound to you as it is to me, but I can't resist including you in on this experience.... i hope you keep reading, not for my glory, but for HIS, you are literally watching God work in my life.  This pretty much sums up what was so incredible to me: 
"...the one thing God seemed to honor and bless more than anything else, was faith. Abraham trusted God’s word. Isaac trusted God’s word. Rebekah trusted God’s word. Jacob trusted God’s word. All of them ultimately saw God’s faithfulness to his promises, despite circumstances and their own failings.
Faith-fueled peace doused the anxious fire in Joseph’s chest. “I trust you, my God,” he whispered. “Like my forefathers, I will wait for you. I have no idea what my being in an Egyptian prison has to do with your purposes. But I will keep honoring you here where you have placed me. Bring your word to pass as it seems best to you. I am yours. Use me!


I think God's message to me is clear,  trust him (through this present fog and always), and serve him with my WHOLE heart (where I am now and whatever may come).  This is what is true and right,  when everything around me is so unsure and unstable I need to hold TIGHTLY onto what is fact.  If serving Jesus means solely raising these boys and laying my dreams to the side for now then I'll do it because I am so in love with Him and I want my life to magnify what a wonderful God He is and I can only do that if I walk where he leads.


Please pray for me and the boys for direction.... and thank him for what a faithful, real and gracious God he is!  Thanks for sharing in this moment with me... 


Thank you Lord for YOU, I'd be so lost without you... I trust you.

12 comments:

Mandi Bartel said...

it always comes back to trust doesn't it. :) as much as it sucks to struggle these are also the times when we draw God even closer, when we look for those little God things in each moment and aren't as easily distracted. these are the moments that I picture God holding me close in his embrace. his love is steadfast and reaches from everlasting to everlasting (psalm 103).

mandi

Kate said...

Such a cool ephiany....it was good for me too!! I totally get the the 'where is the purpose and calling' in the day to day of being a mom. Sometimes I really do wonder where 'I' have went!! I love the thing about Joseph!! - Not that being a mom is akin to being in a egyptian prison BUT it was a season. As thankfully are diapers!!! lol

I think you are on to something with the balance thing. This season is chaotic and kids do demand the majority of the alloted time and energy in a day BUT it is amazing what an hour doing something for yourself can do.

I drag my kids with me to Jui-Jitsu during the week and go to day class...it may be more energy doing that than the workout itself but man I leave there feeling like me again :)

Malory said...

Thats a good reminder Tara, I'm glad that God has revealed this to you cuz it is the only thing that is fully comforting. It is amazing that the Lord has chosen you to be the mother of my sweet nephews. He will use you to teach them about God and Lord willing they will live their lives to glorify Him and to further the Kingdom. Without a mother like you who is trusting the Lord, they wouldn't have such a huge opportunity to learn about the Lord, so that one day they can make a HUGE difference in the world for the sake of the Lord. You are doing an amazing job and I'm so thankful to have you as my sister. Life is so much simpler when we remember that all we need to do is serve the Lord. I love you!

alvina g(ee) said...

Tara – I needed this too. So even though you are “just a mom” and you “just write a blog” – your life and example teach me more about God and how to live in faith each time I read it. God IS using you exactly where you are, and I know this because he’s using you to teach ME.
Love ya
a.

Elle said...

Hey Tara,
I must say, you are truly a woman of God! Thank you for baring your heart so freely! You truly DO trust God! He WILL/DOES have plans for you, & yes you love your children dearly, treasure EVERY minute you have with them, for time does slip away very quickly!
Both my children are now over 20, and both love the Lord, and serve Him!! So yes all the time you pour into telling/showing them about God, they DO remember!!
You are one precious woman! Thank you again for sharing from your heart & being brutaly honest!!

in Christ,
Elle

Anonymous said...

Your blogs are always so honest and really speak of what a great relationship you have with Jesus. It's great to read. Will pray for you. I have never thought of it myself that you need to focus solely on serving Him no matter where you are. Good food for thought. Thank you. Hope you are able to see the sunshine soon in the darkness.

Melissa H.

Pam Newby said...

I remember going through the same thing and having some of the same thoughts as you when Preston and Ali were small. Tara, God IS using you right where you are. Jacob and Micah need your Godly influence in their lives. Right now you are the only Jesus they see on a daily and consistent basis! We are so proud of you and the way you are raising our grandsons! Just know that YOU MATTER. To us and your family and friends but mainly to God himself! He created you to be exactly who you are and where you are today.

Chillin' with Lemonade said...

Great encouragement from Desiring God. I'll be praying for you.

Amy said...

Tara – I stumbled across your blog recently through Bonnie Culp's blog (after finding her blog through Kimberly Crumby's blog). Anyway, I wanted to say how sorry I am for your loss. I admire your strength, wisdom and courage – but I especially admire your faith. I just wanted you to know that I will be praying for you and for your sons.

Amy said...

Tara-thank you for your honest posts & reflections. I TOTALLY get the so called "balance" we strive for (unattainble) Praying for more encouragement for you and your precious boys!

Amy Bruce (Shelly's childhood friend)

Nanci said...

That is HUGE! I love it! I have similar thoughts as i too am a SAHM and wonder if God wants me to do more. I needed to read this too! Thank you for sharing!

Hannah said...

Tara, thank you for sharing about trusting God. I have spent part of my day today feeling sorry for myself and wallowing in that. True, I am not crazy about all of my life right now, but it is SO good to be reminded of those people who have TRUSTED GOD in some crappy circumstances. THANK YOU for that reminder!