I am so not the person who enjoys in any way to write that I'm not doing so good.... I hate it actually, but I know those of you who read this for the most part care about me and I need you to keep praying for me!
There are countless times in our life when we're feeling an emotional heap of this and that and thinking what is going on in this crazy mind, I get annoyed with myself in moments like this, trying to sort and process it all. And asking myself, how long will I stay here for, what is God teaching me through all this... But in my experience God has always turned those moments into lessons and I've been able to look back and see beauty created out of a jumble of feelings and those are the moments that have made me who I am today. But right now, I'm kind of in the middle of a deep down time... of wondering what the heck God is doing in my life... what is he trying to teach me? Is my purpose to solely stay at home with my boys? what about all my dreams and goals? (slightly selfish) I'm in a fog and it's difficult, really difficult to see through the other side, oh wait seeing the future is impossible, dang it.
Church captured a sweet moment yesterday and I really felt the Lord tugging at my heart. Pastor Jim said one simple statement that dropped me to my knees. He said, "Your number one goal should be to serve Jesus" hmmm.... so true, and I've heard it a million times, but when God wants to etch a truth into your heart he will and this time he did more so than ever before. I really, really struggle adapting to being a mom, not that I'm bad at it... I love it, when I'm not with the boys I miss them terribly, but when I'm with them I question can God really use me when I'm wiping butts and making baby food? I also wish I had more time to paint or start my own business or fulfill my dreams...SO, it's a tug of war for me trying to balance what I want and love with what I want and think I'll love (I hope that came out right). But I just need to serve Jesus, wherever I am in life.
Ok! Wow... so as I was writing this I stopped to take a breather, writing your personal thoughts can be intense! I opened a tab to the "Desiring God" website and clicked on the first link that caught my eye... what I read blew me away, I didn't expect God to work this fast (and he will keep working I'm sure). I know this isn't as profound to you as it is to me, but I can't resist including you in on this experience.... i hope you keep reading, not for my glory, but for HIS, you are literally watching God work in my life. This pretty much sums up what was so incredible to me:
"...the one thing God seemed to honor and bless more than anything else, was faith. Abraham trusted God’s word. Isaac trusted God’s word. Rebekah trusted God’s word. Jacob trusted God’s word. All of them ultimately saw God’s faithfulness to his promises, despite circumstances and their own failings.
Faith-fueled peace doused the anxious fire in Joseph’s chest. “I trust you, my God,” he whispered. “Like my forefathers, I will wait for you. I have no idea what my being in an Egyptian prison has to do with your purposes. But I will keep honoring you here where you have placed me. Bring your word to pass as it seems best to you. I am yours. Use me!”
I think God's message to me is clear, trust him (through this present fog and always), and serve him with my WHOLE heart (where I am now and whatever may come). This is what is true and right, when everything around me is so unsure and unstable I need to hold TIGHTLY onto what is fact. If serving Jesus means solely raising these boys and laying my dreams to the side for now then I'll do it because I am so in love with Him and I want my life to magnify what a wonderful God He is and I can only do that if I walk where he leads.
Please pray for me and the boys for direction.... and thank him for what a faithful, real and gracious God he is! Thanks for sharing in this moment with me...
Thank you Lord for YOU, I'd be so lost without you... I trust you.