Two days before Mothers day and I am hoping Monday would just come. Last year mother's day wasn't sad at all, people around me showered me with gifts and affection and sympathy, after all it was my first mothers day without Preston. But I really wasn't very sad. I just had Micah and was adjusting to my role as mommy of two, maybe I was just too tired to be sad ha ha. This year is entirely different. One reason I absolutely hate facebook is because everyone is on their shouting how happy they are that it's mothers day, aka bragging, boo status updates... I try to be sensitive to other ppls journeys with my updates and try not to brag, but I know it won't always work, maybe I'll just never write a status again lol. wow... I think i could write an entire post on that.
So if you haven't left my blog I'll continue I promise it gets nicer....
This past year has been an incredible journey, ups and downs and super highs and super lows... I've really experienced being a single mom. On one hand I feel as if I deserve a year at a spa and on the other hand I feel SO blessed and I am blown away by the gifts that are my children, what a privilege it is to be their mommy. I should really focus on that and just breath in that moment, but I'm going to wallow in self pity for just a moment, then I"ll let it rest, thanks for listening.
Being a mom can be a very thankless job, although Jake is always quick to declare his love for his mama and is never short on compliments... I do love that. But I don't hear too many thank you mom for changing my pee soaked sheets at 2am or thanks mom for making me breakfast or thank you mom for searching every inch of the house until you found my special blanket (ok I don't expect a one and three year old to say thanks for those things, i'm just saying..) Not to say I am super mom, I am so imperfect, but I do alot and at the end of the day I don't have Preston there encouraging me or rubbing my aching shoulders, or just to talk through the day with. I am so thankful for God's role in my life, he truly is a husband to the widow, I just wish he was physically here!
To know what it is like to feel and experience love is by far one of the greatest gifts of life. So to lose such a love and to be intensely aware of what you had is of course deeply painful. Once in awhile I'll still get the urge to call Preston, or today as I was at the grocery store with Micah (jake was at preschool) I had flashbacks to when I was at the same store with Jake as a baby, getting groceries for P, jake and I, and after we would take the same route Micah and I were on to go see Preston at the church. I think memories like that will always tear at my heart. I miss Preston. I don't just miss him because I'm insanely selfish and want him here to encourage me and affirm my role as mother, but today I miss him for the role he played as husband and father which completed my role...
I'm pretty sure marriage and parenthood was meant to be done as a team, and when that is done well and both people have given their whole hearts to this mission it is incredibly beautiful, I crave that connection today. I pray that God gives me the chance to love again, to cherish, appreciate, encourage and love with every ounce of my being whoever that man might be for all that he is and all that he can be. And side note I am not dumb and desperate, I'm waiting on God's perfect timing if it's meant to be! Love is a gift and even though love in itself is a journey it's completely worth it.
So conclusion... I KNOW my boys love me, their vocabulary just can't articulate the thanks they feel:) and ultimately that's not my point. I will not wallow in this lame (but real) self pity for too much longer, it's good just to get it out, otherwise it builds up and then the emotional explosion might be pretty nasty. I stay here for a moment, ok a few moments, unleash all my emotion and then because I am not in this moment alone God shows me there is light and showers me in his amazing peace. And with a whisper he tells me, your life is very real, there is no point in living in an alter reality, embrace this day, you are without a husband, but you are with me and I have great things for you to do now. Trust in that truth and walk into that role with my strength, dignity and grace. See the good that awaits and be open and available for whatever I have for you today... follow me Tara, it will be ok. That's a truth worth investing in. How sweet, when I am weak He is strong.
This mothers day may be far from how I imagined life would look, but this is how it was meant to be.
God, I give you my pain, all my tears (that I wish I could cry - I suck at crying) and my alter reality in which I often dwell in. Please take them and mold me through them, help me to invest in making the most of my day and this life that I have NOW. Love you.
Sorry mom this post was not about you in the least, I'm having a selfish moment, but I do love and appreciate you and ALL you do SO much!!!