Thursday, May 27, 2010

What a week!

Well well.. this has been quite the week! I woke up Tuesday night and was sick all over... it was awful. I was crouched over in the bathroom at 5am when in walks a little Jacob (who must have heard me) and comes over and tells me he's going to sit on my lap and snuggle... I couldn't resist, but let me tell you it was a really short snuggle. I was sick the entire next day, and I mean really sick. Throwing up and you know all that, no energy, fever etc... but you still have to look after your kids! thankfully I have amazing friends who helped me out. Kristin came and watched the boys for an hour and a half while I slept and then brought them dinner because the thought of food made me want to vomit. And another friend brought eloctrolight drinks so I didn't dehydrate. 
Today was better, I stopped feeling sick last night and am now left with the cold that I had before I started throwing up but I still felt so week and gross and i wasn't entirely convinced that the boys weren't sick so we stayed home again. (But after spending the whole day with them they aren't, thank you Lord!) 
I am not a good housebound person, I have to have other human adult interaction! Thankfully a couple ppl stopped by to visit, but otherwise it was really lonely. And to top it off it was pouring out!!! I decided to suck it up and be a true Oregonian and go puddle jumping with the boys so after we got all bundled up we went outside and as i was holding micah and a tricycle in the other hand I slipped on the wet deck!!!! OUCH!! My legs went out from under me and I landed mostly on my back and ribs, and therefore got the wind knocked out of me!! So there I am, pathetic as ever, sprawled on my back entirely sure I had broken something while Micah (who landed last) was screaming beside me. Jake was still on the other side of the deck unaware and playing in his puddle. Micah was fine, just scared! So I am sore, I don't think i did break anything, maybe just bruised half of my body ha ha! (ok soo not funny yet)

We have alot of "lonely" days, when we have to stay home and it's raining and no one comes to visit, but when you have low energy it's a little bit harder to entertain two energetic children. My perspective is, if you want to have fun you will! So we did... and we had some fun moments. And then I got mad at Jake for something little and he burst into tears, not the temper tantrum tears but the defeated life is awful type tears. And he ran to my arms and stayed there for a good 10 minutes while I held him. I asked what is wrong, I said, talk to me baby, tell mommy what is making you so sad and angry. And he dove into the pillow and quietly whispered I want my daddy back. UGH. ouch. Pain pain pain. My child, I'm so sorry. What to say... My response was simply, I know sweetie, I know, it hurts and I held him some more. Then we prayed together. He acted happier, but again in bed he talked about how much he missed Preston, (I think he is missing having him in life and experiencing having a daddy, because I don't believe he actually remembers him other than seeing him in movies and pictures) He just knows something is missing. I told him he could look at pictures and his reply was, "NO, I want my real daddy." We talked and prayed again and he fell asleep.   Moments like this are what makes this all so hard, seeing what my boys will have to go through is heartbreaking. I can't even fathom what it will be like when Micah gets to this stage. 

So after all this I'm looking out the window, at the pounding, depressing rain, in pain physically and emotionally and I just thought, "this place is a God forsaken land" ya... I'm that low. And then I thought, man, actually it's really green everywhere and green is so not a sign of God forsakenness... and then God met me in a powerful way.  He reminded me that even when it's pouring out (metaphorically) he is still creating something beautiful in me. When it rains, it often pours, but God is not any farther than he was when it was sunny out, he is always working and when we're willing to embrace that work the outcome will always be beautiful. If we're willing to allow him in... the rain will just be rain, not the end of the world. I needed that reminder so much. 

" Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. The rain came down and the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, yet it did not fall, because it had it's foundation on the rock." 
I have confidence where my foundation is, it got me through today. 


ahaak said...

Hello friend, looks like you're up as late as I am tonight :)

The retelling of Jake's lament broke my heart. My most recent time of 'pillow tears' is still fresh in my memory, and so my soul aches with yours. You have a beautiful strength, lil' sister, and it's my prayer that through the storms you'll continue to perceive and cling to truth.

Stop by in Abbotsford if you ever need a hug ;)

Krystal said...

your blog often brings me to tears...
not because of Jake's words.. and my imagining going through that with my Josh...well it does bring tears to my eyes for Jake and breaks my heart for you...
BUT YOUR WORDS bring the tears... somehow God speaks right from your blog to my heart.. and I needed this tonight too.. I've been so down about the rain too the last few days.. and well...I don't go to church anymore... but god still speaks.. through you..
thank you Tara.

Amy said...

Praying for you & your sweet boys Tara. Thank GOD for you & your wisdom shared on this blog.

Anonymous said...

sorry you're feeling so low these days, but i have to say i am very encouraged by how you still do whatever it takes to make good memories with your boys, even if you dont feel like having fun! praying for you,

Marissa said...

I'm sorry, again, that you're having such a tough time :( I wish I could hug you and give you chocolate! You can bet that when you're up here, you can call me at the drop of a hat when days like this come and I'll be your entertainment :)
I love that verse at the end - I needed that reminder myself.
Love you!

Josie said...

Hi Tara,
I don't know you and you don't know me, but I am a friend of Dominique's and I found your blog through hers. I have read it from time to time and am often moved to tears. I lost my dad when I was three, and so much of what I hear your son processing resonates deeply with me. I don't think I can offer any "it'll get better-s", because each child's journey is different, but I wanted to let you know that your strenth will be a blessing to him as he walks through life. Blessings on you as you navigate these tough waters.


Tricia York said...

Your resolve and spirit are beautiful, Tara. What an inspiration you are. God's love shines through you!