Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Pedi blog

I am sitting getting a pedicure and loving every minute. The massage chair just turned off
which reminds me that my relaxation hour is almost at it's glorious end and in a few moments I will have to step back into reality. And today I am entirely ok with that! My mom is visiting and I'm so so so thankful! She is like super grandma helping me so much, I swear I don't deserve any if it for the crappy way I treated her as a teenager! But a mothers love covers a multitude of shortcomings and I've learned to accept the help!


Yesterday was a good day... I had my girls over, we ate a delicious dessert (cause I made it duh!) chocolate cake - then whipping cream - roasted strawberries - more cake - more whipped cream - more strawberries then drizzled with peppermint chocolate sauce YUM! We talked alot and just shared our lives with one another... I treasure my friendships and girl time, I would never want to be a man, except when I really have to pee and I'm outside, such freedom that would be...

Anyway.... The last girl left and I brushed my teeth, washed my face, kissed my boys and climbed into my princess bed ( four poster bed i love u) and I lay down listening to Priscilla Ahn on my iPod.... As my head hit the pillow my eyes rested on the same thing they do every night, a picture of Preston, smiling his light up a room smile! Memories flashed back to "us" and then I remembered the accident and then thoughts flooded my mind of that raw all consuming pain that clung to me so tightly after Preston died. Sometimes these nightly moments have broken me, brought me back and made me sad all over again. But last night was the realization that I am not that girl anymore, actually on most nights I am able to look at Preston's picture and be thankful I had such a love and am not torn to pieces and I fall asleep without torment. I still have those raw moments but I am not living in pain like I did. I am happy far more than I am sad, I smile way more than I used to, I laugh because I actually want to (not because I feel like I should), and I see a brilliant future ahead! It's such a freedom... 


Bonnie and I were talking the other night how it's unbelievable how much we have healed, and how far we have come since day 1.  The wound is not mended and we both know it won't ever be but in time joy and happiness have flooded our hearts and replaced that awful unbearable 24/7 pain... Being in pain like that is restricting and that is unbelievably frustrating (imagine yourself in a freakin box), but you don't always have a choice, and what is victory without trial? Thankfully God works within our pain. Both of us never fathomed that we would get to such a good place.... But God in his goodness and immense love would never even think of leaving us as we were/are. And still I'm sure we'll look back in a year and say again, "my friend, can you even believe how far we've come and how much we've grown?" To journey through this with Bonnie has been one of God's most gracious gifts.  To connect with someone on a regular day is wonderful, but to connect with someone in the midst of your pain, journey with them through the grief and walk into the sunshine together is even more indescribable, it's a connection that will never fade. 


So amen to sweet friends and God's incredible way that he transforms the broken hearted...
"Indescribable, uncontainable, You place the stars in the sky and You know them by name, You are amazing God! All powerful, untameable, awestruck we fall to our knees as we humbly proclaim, You are amazing God" - chris tomlin (thanks Nellie for the reminder;) 

4 comments:

afterthoughtcomposer said...

thanks Tara,
this was a sweet sweet
confirmation today.
a.

Renee said...

umm, i would like to be a tester in your gourmet cooking adventures!!!

Marissa said...

We do serve an amazing, always-there God who reminds us of His love. SO glad you're in a better spot, my friend. LOVE YOU!

Andrea said...

I loved your comparison regarding grief and bacon. "It lingers like bacon (seriously, how do you get rid of that bacon smell?)" I might quote you on that some time. Good thoughts.