Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Better than I thought..

So the trauma session today was better than I thought it would be! I feared it would be worse, maybe I was afraid I would unravel so much I couldn't be put back together but that wasn't the case at all! 
I relived much of the accident, and everyone "feels," "remembers" differently but I chose to close my eyes and snuggle into the chair, I think me and the chair may have become bffs.  Pat let me do what I needed to as I relived the worse moment of my life, it was insanely emotional although not as tearful as I imagined.  The part I seemed to need to deal with the most was the twenty minutes that I held Preston in my arms, where he died and where I realized my life would never be the same - where the loss was initiated. And I really felt like I was there and I was able to talk through alot of it. It was so freeing to be able to just meet the memories I needed to and stay there as long as I had to. No interruptions, no children walking in, no "i have to go to bed."  It was a safe place, where I could express my emotion and have someone guide me through it, a controlled environment where I could be uncontrolled, make sense? 
And after it was all over I had relief. Like I had been holding my breath for two years over this and I finally breathed out. I can't even say why I instantly felt so relieved, I just talked and cried and relived and remembered things I didn't before and it made it better? ya it really did. All day after the session and I thought about the accident I didn't have this shattered heart, panic attack feeling. It's still sad, without question, but I wasn't screaming inside. 

All day I have been exhausted, headache and all. I mean utterly and entirely feel like I might pass out for a week if I close my eyes.... I have soo much going on right now and am overwhelmed with maybe doing too much and I just need to slow down, but I literally have so much planned I won't be slowing down until October! yikes! 
Tonight I shared a sweet and relaxing moment with my boys, it was all summed up when Jake said, "mommy, I love when you play with me" Anytime my sweet boy:) I filled the kiddie pool with pillows and balls and they jumped off the deck into it, then we lay there watching planes fly overhead and reading books. 

Tomorrow I am going for a much needed massage and pedicure... a gift from my girlfriends! Love you girls;) I will soak it for all it's worth. Then we're off to Cali for a few days, oh sweet beloved warmth I need you, I think Portland is confused and has been dipping into fall way to early!  We're going to see my college roomy that I've been saying I'll visit for 8 years so finally we're takin the trip! I am really excited to see her and her life:)

And thank you all for your encouragement and support, it means SOO much to me to see your comments, it's so so meaningful to know I am surrounded by such love!


Mandi Bartel said...

I'm so happy for you at the moment :) I can't imagine how hard it was to re-live that moment, but being able to breath is such a wonderful feeling. Rest in it! Have fun in Cali. love you friend. thinking of you.

The Nieboer News said...

I still follow your blog and pray for you often, although I rarely comment. So proud of you for hanging out in that chair for a while and doing something very difficult.

Kate said...

Is it weird that all I want to say is - I am proud of you!?!? I just know it took so much courage to continue on this journey and take that next step of facing it head on. I don't know what would be more appropriate, a big high five or a big hug but take your pick and its yours :)

Shawna said...

I am so glad that you have allowed yourself to find someone to help you continue to move foreward in your journey. I can't imagine how you must have felt going back to that place in your mind, you truly are an inspiring woman. I am praying for you as you continue this journey.

Glenda said...

Wow! So glad that you were able to go there... and can't imagine the fear. That was a big step! You're very inspiring! Enjoy your time in Cali. Have fun!

Jenny said...

Hi Tara, I think about you and pray for you often. I missed seeing your posts about the counseling until today, but I will be praying for you as you work through this next phase of your grief. I'm so glad that you've already felt some relief. God is so amazing.

dana martin said...

hey tara! i have been to counselling as well so i understand when you say that it made you feel better but can't exactly explain why. i understand that it's good to be in a guided environment - i guess because we are dealing with our emotions and sometimes those can be anything BUT guided, or logical. so it is so great to be able to talk to someone who is non-judgmental and educated to be able to help make logical sense of your feelings. i hope the counselling continues to go well for you. ♥