We have been so crazy busy lately! My friend Katie was in town this past week, she came all the way from Ontario to drive home with us and then flew out yesterday! We had such a great time and ate one too many desserts, but it was soo worth the extra love handle I gained:) My parents are here visiting now, and I love having company but I have to say I am pretty tired! I am not one who ever wants alone time, I could thrive on having 20 minutes a day of alone time, but this week I'm craving it! Nothing at all against my company, they are amazing, but I haven't slowed down enough and I'm mentally and physically spent! I say I'll go to bed early but it never happens, It's like I get my second (or third or fourth) wind at 10pm and I'm good for a couple more hours, I always regret it in the morning, but at least I got a ton done right?
I decided I am going to trauma counseling. I never felt like I needed alot of counseling, I have always prayed that God would lead me in my grief and help me to have a healthy grieving (whatever that looks like). And I believe I have, it hasn't been an easy road, but a blessed road, a road full of purpose and lessons etched in my heart that will stay with me for life; I would say I am better for [almost] every minute of it! But there is one piece in my life that is still so shattered and broken and painful and downright maddening!! This is of course, the accident... every moment of the accident.... leading up to and stepping away from. It's like so much of grief is a big knot, just sitting there until you deal with it. And with God's help I have worked out and walked through much of it, but there is still this giant knot that I can't seem to figure out. I can talk about the accident, I do it alot, but I don't talk about it emotionally, I just state the facts and somehow stay away from going there emotionally - it's that strong will my mother loved so much kicking in! But I can't even write about it, that is the one part of my book I haven't written at all, and I'm pretty sure that if I'm writing a book around 'that' it might be key to write about! So thus I decided trauma counseling sounded like the right option. My counselor is amazing, I trust her so much which is probably pretty important:)
But I'm scared. I'm afraid that I have been doing so well and now I'm allowing myself to go back to my deepest pain, the pit of pain that can radiate through every inch of my body and paralyze me. The moment that makes me want to scream NO THIS CANNOT BE REAL, THIS CANNOT BE HAPPENING TO ME!!! It almost feels like I'll be going backwards. But I trust that God has led me here, I trust that everything in my grieving has prepared me for this. I'm reminded of when my babies began to crawl, they both crawled backwards before they went forward, but boy when they went forward they went full force and they only got stronger from there... hmmm.... I like that.
I think there is a very strong stigma in Christian circles that counseling is only for the desperate or the weak in faith - "oh maybe they don't trust God can help them" type thing, but I totally disagree. I do believe that God can heal anything, I'm proof he heals. God has created us with all the right tools to heal and he leads that (if we allow), but there are certain issues where we just can't figure out how to use those tools to help put ourselves back together. Maybe God knows we need other people to help unravel these knots within us. We are not islands, we need others and isn't that part of the beauty of the body of the church? Coming together and being transparent and growing from one another, building each other up in Christ etc? I am so thankful that someone else is trained to know how God created our minds, so we can use that knowledge to process the roughest moments in our lives. It's really a gift.
So I'm a little afraid, but I trust God, I have always said, If you know the character of God it will be impossible NOT to trust in him. I want to trust in him with every fiber in my body, I know that he is my stronghold, he is faithful, he does not allow my feet to slip, he loves me with an unfailing love, he shields all who take refuge in him, he turns my darkness to light, and he restores. So I pray, God please help me to trust in you and what I know is true so that it penetrates my soul and becomes breath to me.
I don't think these sessions will stop the pain when I think about Sept 15th, 2008, but I'll have more tools and knowledge showing me how to deal with my thoughts rather than freaking out inside. I'm really excited to see what the other side of this looks like because I know just who is leading me through them and God works ALL things out for the good of those who love him. Your prayers would be so awesome:)
I'll really try to update tomorrow on how it goes!