Monday, September 06, 2010

Almost 2 years

Sept 15th will mark the two year mark since Preston died. I can hardly believe it. "Preston" and "die" were never supposed to be in the same sentence for at least another 50 years! I keep looking at pictures of us from when we were dating, we would go to photo booths during college and we looked so young!! (ok we were) When I see these pics part of me is so full of joy thinking about what a great man I had and cherishing our memories in my heart. But the other side of me is heartbroken when I see the love and the hope we had in our eyes, we saw a lifetime of making so many more memories and growing old together...and that just didn't happen and two years later it's still so surreal.  It's still soo sad.
I say that it's still so sad and you're probably thinking ya duh Tara, of course it's sad! But I think part of me wishes I wasn't sad anymore, ok alot of me, I hate being sad, I hate having pain in my life, I wish I didn't but I do... and I know that this isn't something one can get over. And maybe all the above was said because I feel like I'm a bit of a burden, I need alot of help with the boys still and I think two years ago I didn't imagine that in two years it would still be so complex! (It gets SOOOO much better, but still complex) I know that the accident is engraved into my life's journey and has helped define much of who I am today and I'm thankful for all I have learned and who I am. But I often wonder if this will hold me back from other things in life, like a relationship, and I don't really think so I just think it will take someone who will accept me for who I am and what I have been through and allow me to talk when I need to (although I'm totally aware that there are boundaries) and be ok that I will always love Preston - I wouldn't embrace anyone who wasn't madly in love with me and all of me anyway, there is absolutely NO settling for this girl:)  I'm really satisfied where I'm at though, sure I hope one day someone comes and sweeps me off my feet again, but I have SO much else to focus on that it's not an aching desire. I have never walked here before so it's all new, i've never dated with children, I've never been widowed, I've never imagined this would be my life but I'm smiling and I'm excited for the adventures ahead, I'm happy that I've come soo far in just two years in alot of ways!
It's crazy to think that two years ago this is what we were doing (see Preston's blog in the link)! A normal day at the zoo... totally unaware that two weeks later our life would be changed tremendously for the rest of our lives. Micah will be 17 months this month! What! Man has time ever flown, my tiny little 5lb 9oz baby is now 21lb's and has a personality that is out of this world, his smile lights up a room just like his daddy's and I am so thankful God gave me the gift of a child to help get me through the darkness. But he will almost be the exact age that Jake was when Preston died... 18 months! And I have done this all without Preston and yet looking back when Jake was 18 months and the life that he and Preston and I had together it felt far longer.  I am so thankful I have the hope that I will for sure, without a doubt see Preston again, I can't wait for that day, I imagine the hug will be sweet and last a very long time :) (Can I tell you how much I miss those hugs and kisses)


Last year for the one year we were in Disneyworld and having such a great time that the "anniversary" (using that word in a bad sense feels so wrong) wasn't as emotional as it might have been. And I was at a Life Insurance conference doing motivational speaking and helping others and thanking agents for what they do! But this year I'll be home, packing (b/c we're moving again) and and.... I don't know what to expect. I'm kind of dreading it - one reason is because you feel like you have to be sad, like if you aren't then you're a terrible person, it was the day that changed my life and it should affect me and ppl will call and say in that soft, sensitive voice, "how are you honey?" and I should be extremely sad and crippled, maybe I will be, but maybe.... I won't. And second if I am sad I dread that too so maybe what I"m trying to say is that there is a no win sitation for my emotions ha ha.  I want to do something super fun, I know I can't compare to last year, but if you have a private jet that I can borrow I'd like to go to Hawaii for the day;) Maybe I need to spend the day doing something to help someone else like I did last year... hmmm... 
Regardless of my emotional state I have not forgotten that although I am human and my emotions  often tempt to torture me and bring me down (ex: all the above) God is my rock. WHAT an awesome comfort it is to know that the God who created me just as I am will not let me sink below the waters of grief. He will sustain me, he restores me, and he holds my heart... he is faithful above anyone else and because I know what an amazingly GREAT God he is I know I can trust him through my darkest days or my joyful ones. 


I'll leave you with a great video from Hillsong - You Hold Me Now It really hits you that we are not here forever and that those who have gone before us who knew Jesus are being held by Gods sweet embrace.... His perfect embrace.




5 comments:

glenda said...

Best of luck in the move. Stay busy!

Leanne Marie said...

Love you and am looking forward to see you and the boys when you get here!

Shawna said...

I have been thinking of you a lot lately Tara, praying for you and your boys!

Anonymous said...

Tara did you know you can turn your blog into a book? You could do Preston's blog into a book for the children. I just finished reading some of his postings.....amazing man of God.....

carolinagirl said...

Thank you for the link to Preston's blog! What a great memory "book" to have. I'm sure you read it over and over again. It brought tears to my eyes when he wrote about the Chapman's suffering with the death of a child and how Preston spoke wisdom and peace through God's Word.