Unsatisfied

This is deep

And this is real

But if you start reading please finish or you might think I'm a turd.

"Unsatisfied" packs a punch. Maybe it hits you differently than it hits me but I think at one time or another it hits us all and sometimes the punch can hurt for a little longer. It has always been a huge issue in my life! I can't say exactly what I'm unsatisfied in because I am so not ready to bare my soul that much here, but you'll get what I mean.

It can generally be summed up as unsatisfied with certain things in life. I am SO beyond grateful for the blessings in my life, especially my boys!!!! And I thank God on a daily basis, sometimes far more, but then I think, "yes thank you for these blessings, they were unexpected blessings, but were not MY plan, what about my personal dreams and plans when will I have time for them?  "Not my plan" big ugly words.... b/c they are so entirely self centered.

I'd ignore the thoughts for awhile, I'd chase them away temporarily but I don't think I've ever really really dealt with them to the point that I want desperately to crush the unsatisfaction. I think I've always felt it was my right to feel that way.  But this was getting too much, my unsatisfaction was creating a wall between me and God - and that is a barren place to be.

I realized that what I was really saying is that God's plan is not good enough for me. I always say, well thank you God... BUT if I just had "this" or "that" then my life would be perfect, can't you just allow "that?" And when I was not receiving "that" it held me back from deepening my relationship with God and becoming slightly bitter to those who had what I desired. But I know, even when ppl get what they want, it only makes them happy for a moment and then they start the search all over again... looking for another "this" or "that." And knowing that why the heck was i still desiring something more (physically speaking)!?  It's a sick cycle... please tell me I'm not the only one here who understands this!

So those are the raw thoughts.... i want to be transparent here because I feel like so many people always talk about the happy happy stuff and not the deep issues that we all face... I wanted to write this blog and conclude with what is below because there has to be others facing the same issues and no man should be an island... walking together is so much sweeter.

I had to deal with this unsatisfaction, it was eating me up so I prayed my unsatisfied heart out to God.
"God help me be at peace with your will for my life... lead me through these murky waters where I can't see what I could possibly learn from this or how i can feel differently..."
AND.. right away he led me. ((But I spent time with God through reading the BIble and praying, and didn't just pray and go on my merry way and shout to God - if you're real you better help me out here and expect him to shoot me an email on how to do that.. you know? He has already written us the most amazing letters, 66 in fact, the B I B L E.  I know God can speak to us any way he wants and email would be sweet, but he has all the answers for us laid out in scripture so why not scour the pages in search of what we need, it's there everytime! And I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt I would find my answers and it was awesome.

God kept showing me verses saying, REJOICE (to feel or show great joy or delight) in Him.

 "Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!" - Philipians 4:4

And verses that reminded me what I should be thinking.

..."whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. " Phil 4:8

And pray... continuously. 

"Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer." - Romans 12:12

And then the big one for me came from a Psalm I have always heard, even ppl that don't go to church know this one, but it's when you know something "so well" that it no longer phases you..which is sad I know!

Psalm 23

The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not be in want. (that is me, oops)

  He makes me lie down in green pastures,
       he leads me beside quiet waters, 

(he makes me content and secure)

he restores my soul. ( but I need to make myself available for this)
       He guides me in paths of righteousness
       for his name's sake. (it's NOT about me)
  Even though I walk
       through the valley of the shadow of death, (aka the uncertainty of life)
       I will fear no evil,
       for you are with me;
       your rod and your staff,
       they comfort me... 

(in shepherd days the rod was used to guide, rescue and protect. The staff was used for support)

Surely goodness and love will follow me  all the days of my life, (God's love and the goodness he gives not that I create)
       and I will dwell in the house of the LORD
       forever.
The biggest thing I pulled from here was the first line, "I shall not be in want" sigh... I know this but I keep finding myself there again! He tells us over and over throughout scripture.. do not covet other ppl's stuff. It's a command not just a suggestion and that hit me in a new way.  

And then I talked to Bonnie and she said that she feels very content and secure in the Lord and is at peace with how her life has gone and is going. That was soo incredibly encouraging to me because as most of you know, Bonnie lost her husband close to the same time as I lost Preston, leaving her with a sweet little girl and a baby boy in the belly (same as me)! So to know someone in my situation can feel content and satisfied did wonders for me. 

So I may have God in my life and although he is my rock and my joy, there is still a fight going on; I have a self centered nature, like we all do, and we have a temptor who is constantly tempting us to be unsatisfied with where we are in life or what we have.... this time I have chosen to fight it with God's help.
I feel such relief from this burden... I still face those desires of wanting "this" or "that" and the temptation to sit in unsatisfaction, BUT I took the time to seek God in my weakness and when I am weak he is strong and he is the strength that has gotten me through this struggle and will see me through every other one. He's always so faithful it leaves me speechless everytime and sends chills down my spine.