I have been non existent in the blogging world because we moved! I decided it was finally time to be closer to my family!! We had amazing support in Portland but nothing beats the help of family, especially when the boys are so young. It was a really hard decision for me, well wait.... the decision wasn't hard, that came pretty fast, it was the adjusting to what would be a new reality for us and accepting it - the latter which I still haven't entirely done.
Driving away from our home in Portland was the worst part, literally watching the distance grow between me and some of my best friends made my heart feel like it was being left behind as well, and I suppose part of it was. I thought that Portland would be our future for a really long time and I loved that. But when Preston died that "dream" slowly lost it's grip on my life so by the time we moved I was a little more adjusted to the reality that chances were high that Portland wasn't going to be my future. But it is still a HUGE loss to me. I already had close friends there before the accident, but when you face such an intense trauma with people the bond between friends can deepen and create a bond that nothing can ever take away. I know that those friends will always be my friends, but it's so painful to not be able to see them on such a regular basis like we were used to. We are again adjusting to a new normal. Jake is soo sweet, and has been a trooper through this all, he reminds me of his daddy everyday in how he has such a big heart, and he says to me almost everyday, "It's ok mommy, we'll go back to visit our friends in Portland and that will make you happy!" (sidenote: I am happy lol but he obviously has seen one too many tears)
I am a city girl or I guess suburb girl (ha ha) through and through. I love that there is always something to do in the city, so much diversity and the fast pace it brings. We have moved to a pretty small town and it is taking some adjusting to living here. I am not a fan of the high price of groceries, the knot in my stomach when I filled up with gas today - eww, the 12% sales tax on almost everything, the bank that closed at 3 today - b/c guess what time I got there? 2:55! Or the smell of cow poo, or the fact that I order tv, internet and phone and none will be hooked up next day, or the slow pace of life.
BUT I AM thankful for amazing family, great great friends, going to the grocery store and always seeing someone I know, rarely hearing sirens, all the "ehs," the view from my back porch, happy children and a beautiful house! (we'll be praying I discover more;)
I am overwhelmed with a to do list 3miles long, and I realized just how overwhelmed and emotional I was when the tv man came over and told me the proper wires to hook up my tv weren't wired up, and then two minutes later the phone and internet ppl call and tell me they can't install until a week after they said they would...i burst into tears and lay on the couch for 20 minutes. What a bum. I haven't done that in a long time and it felt awful. It wasn't entirely about the tv and phone stuff, it was more just the last straw! I admit I hate to be weak but I know when you are going through loss it's a necessary evil to let it all out, I think the important part is how you deal with it after the tears... and I have an incredible incredible God who picks me up, brushes me off, holds me close and strengthens me to keep going. I pray more times than there are minutes in a day, I just keep saying, God hold my heart, help me get through this and grow me through it. He will... it's just not always in my timing, but I do know his timing has been perfect and I trust in him abundantly and I have the monuments of all the other times he has gotten me through loss, if I can go through the loss of my best friend I can adjust to a small town! So I hope this wasn't too depressing, I have SUCH a peace that this is where God has led us and I know he has amazing things in our future....many adventures ahead, but it sure an adjustment!
Well I will stop here... my parents are playing with the boys, we're at their house for dinner and I should stop taking too much advantage of them, but man it's soo nice!!