I have been thinking about Heaven so much lately. Ever since the accident eternity has been a HUGE part of my life. In the last moments of Preston's life, as he lay in my arms and I lost his heartbeat I remember thinking, Is he rising up to Heaven right now, is he looking down on me? are there angels carrying him? Then of course came the feelings that my life has forever changed and I cannot believe this is real, but in that pivotal life altering moment God was very very real and near to me like nothing I've ever experienced. I had a peace that I can't explain and i know it wasn't the shock of it all, it was ok with me that he was in Heaven, yes there have been many a day where I wish he was here instead, but as time has worn on I can honestly say I'm glad he's there and not here, for his sake at least, that doesn't mean i don't miss him terribly some days, but I trust God and know that God is always good, and his plans are good, and if this was part of God's plan then it's good, maybe it wasn't my plan A, but it was always God's. And I have lived and survived this loss, and I know life goes on and I do smile again with every fiber in my body, my heart and my mind, and not just my lips!
I was driving home the other day by myself so of course I turn up the music and I was listening to Hillsong United - the Stand. And it was beautiful, just me and God (and the odd smell of cow poop). I just imagined being in Heaven, everyone singing this song to the one who saved our souls, and I imagined looking around and I saw all the people I have known who I know, know Jesus, family, hometown friends, camp and college friends, Portland friends and all those I've met along the way. It was a moment I wish I could have stayed in for a lot longer, but it refreshed me.... You know that saying, "don't be too heavenly minded or you won't be any earthly good" well I disagree. I think the more we fix our minds and our hearts on Heaven the bigger difference we'll make on earth, we're far more aware of how we should be living. Since that moment I have thought far more about living as if it's my last. What would happen if I died today and stood before God; the one who created me, who has loved me endlessly and saved me b/c I couldn't save myself, and walked with me through the hardest moments of my life and remained faithful even when I was faithless, it leaves me speechless (which doesn't happen often ha ha) to think of standing before the one who is perfect, and Holy and sovereign... how humbling. I can't wait to actually be in heaven, where there is no more crying, no more hard days, no more bad.
I was snuggling Jake tonight as he was falling asleep and out of the silence he says to me, "mommy, I don't want you to die, I love you" I replied, "Jake, I don't want to die either, I hope we have a long time together here..." and I really do, there is alot that is really great about life, but let's be real, heaven will be so much sweeter! I guess it brings me back to Preston's life verse, "To live is Christ, but to die is gain" while I'm alive I will try my best to live for Jesus and make a difference out of love for him, but to actually be with Jesus....well now that is my gain.
I have soo much more to update ya'll on ( i love that word - ya'll) but I'll leave it for tomorrow!