Thursday, November 18, 2010

Let's be real

I have come to vent... I am at the computer and am so tired I don't have the desire to get up and write in my journal so here I am to share with you! I'm hoping that as I write God will speak to my heart and out through my words. 

Bittersweet. That is the song of my life right now. For every bitter thing there is something entirely sweet! I am so thankful for that, cause life covered in all bitter would really bite. Everyone could really say their life is bittersweet, but when you experience such a trauma or a loss in your life it's very easy to stay a little longer in your bitter... in the pain of the bitter. Because mostly the pain is a result of the loss you experienced or it might be... sometimes you don't know if you're emotional because of your loss or just because you didn't get enough sleep, maybe both! I'll think...  "If Preston was here, I would have someone to share this with..., if he hadn't died I wouldn't have this or that pain or emotion or that "side effect." BUT on the flip and sweeter side, I am so thankful for the girl I have become as a result of him dying! I have grown in ways I never would have otherwise and our story has reached so many lives and that is the meat of life, that is what matters! And I love that.

I would really love to have a week, or a month where my emotions are pretty stable! Maybe I am getting down on myself because I have had that stability! When we were in Portland I was doing really good, I was moving on so well! 

And. then. we. moved. 

I know it was the right choice, but change has been hard! I am the person who would really just like to move and get on with it, in some senses, start fresh with no baggage, but with love comes pain. I LOVE Portland and all my friends and I love the memories I (and preston) have made all over the city so therefore I have pain from the loss of that part of my life.  It's true, it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.  See, it's very bittersweet. I read other widows blogs and it's mostly a good thing, but it can also be bad if you compare, and it's really really easy to compare.. "oh she's there, I should be doing better than where I am! Oh and wait, I was there, but I'm struggling again." If I'm being real I guess I am embarrassed that I have "stepped back" when I was doing so well. But maybe all the steps forward I have had will help me through these ones. 

I think grief can be a pit... but it is never a pit without a ladder! I think someone could stay in their grief because of sooo many reasons and I just don't want to get stuck, I won't get stuck and I have a great God who will fight for me! I know i am mourning the loss of the end of a life in Portland and it will take time to adjust and I'm honestly excited for what is around the corner, today (please be sleep lol), tomorrow and a year from now. 
I have had so much stuff to do lately that I have been slacking in my God time, why do we do that to ourselves? I know there is so much strength from God's word, but I put it off for other less important tasks that ya...still have to get done, BUT could get done better and more joyfully if I had my God time. Well I am at a loss for words, so I will end this blog like I end all my journaling, with a prayer. Because I can talk and talk and talk, I'm really good at it:) But I know, the best source of healing is from God... he knows the song of my heart more than I do. 
I come to you so incredible weak right now, I hurt and I don't even know entirely why. I'm tired of grief, but I don't want to skip over any of this journey, i want to be better for this moment. I am the clay you are the potter, so mold me... use this pain I feel, use this heart to reach lives for you, you have never failed me, you are GREAT, your love is endless, you meet me here where I am at. Please pick me up out of this pit that wants to keep me here. Let me look back on this time and be amazed at what you were doing through this pain. I am lost for words, You are my heavenly father who carries me through these moments. I trust you, I love you, I am entirely yours and I trust and know that your plan is far greater than i can imagine. Thank you for never changing. ~ Tara


afterthoughtcomposer said...

Hey love,
I don't know much, but I have heard that saying "grief comes in waves" - that being said, I don't think you are stepping "backwards" at all. I think you ARE stepping forward: into another wave, though, which is where the pain comes in. The waves will be less intense as you go, but I do think you are moving forward!
love you girl,

Shawna said...

Praying for you today Tara! I am so looking forward to spending time with you on a weekly basis, you are an inspiring woman. Your prayer at the end of your blog shows such a desire to be used for God, to focus on him instead of yourself and it reminds me to take stock of my life and see if I have the servant heart God wants me to have! Love you :)

Southern Queen of the Crazies said...

Hang in there!! You are getting out of bed every day and taking care of two babies. That is more than some people can say, some of which have not lost the love of the lives. You are doing amazing!

Joel and Dominique Rempel said...

Tara let yourself feel, and when those feelings are more bitter then sweet don't get down on yourself. You have come so far and are doing so well. After my c-section I gave my body time to heal, but then as soon as I was feeling good again I over did it and neglected what my body had been through and as a result was in some serious pain again. You're healing and healing takes time and it's o.k. to give yourself that time. I love you Tara and I can't to give you a big hug very soon :)

Tracy: said...

Praying for you and your boys! Praying that your Thanksgiving would be sweet and filled with many "Jesus moments" ((hugs))