But last night Jake woke up several times. And each time the first thing he would say, like always is "mommy! mommy!" Micah is the same when he wakes up, although it sounds a little more like "mUUUM! muuum!" The minute I walk into their room they are calm, their tears stop and they reach their arms to me. A couple snuggles later and they are on their way back to dreamland and so am I!
Last night I lay awake a little longer and was thinking how sweet it really is that they do call me, as tiring as it is! They know I will help calm their fears, they know I will give them loads of love and they know I WILL come. I am the very first thing they want because they know I will meet their needs. Although sometimes I know a snack at 4am is not what is best!
It reminded me of what my relationship with my Father in Heaven should be like, note I said should :) Where do I turn FIRST when I fear, when I have doubts, when I'm brokenhearted? When I'm lonely? When i wake up for the day? I still remember the night Preston died as clear as the words I write out tonight... and I am very much at peace with all that happened that night, although it's still extremely sad. The strongest memory that rises above all the other memories of deep pain and loss is WHO I looked to amidst it all. An enormous part of me felt like it died with Preston and I was empty. God met me in my emptiness and filled me up with himself. I wish I could explain it better but God was so supernaturally there that night. He gave me a peace that passes all understanding that still makes me just stand in awe and leaves me speechless that he carried me through such trauma with so much love.
I tell that story because ever since that night specifically, I have done such a better job at looking to God at the beginning of whatever trail or storm I have faced. I have failed a thousand times as well, don't get me wrong, i'm so imperfect! But I have seen over and overs that when i do call out to God before I try to figure it all out myself or ask my family and friends to help me God takes care of my needs. God is far more wise than me as much as I try to prove him wrong sometimes! I might as well just start off right b/c i'll probably end up coming to him anyway after everything I try fails.
Maybe we often don't call on God first because we're afraid of what he'll tell us, or how he'll mold us through our trial, or even that he'll give us what we don't feel we need. Let's be real we're often comfortable where we are at, even if we know it's not healthy. I think we just have to keep remembering that God knows better than us from the everyday to the hard days. He sees the whole picture, where we can only see the brushstrokes. He desires to make beauty out of our lives and everything he does is for the good of those that love him. Not a thing less.
When you trust God with whole hearted devotion you will never be disappointed.
"Trust in the Lord with all of your heart,
Do not lean on your own understanding;
In all your ways acknowledge him, and
He will make your paths straight" ~ Proverbs 3:5,6