Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Trust, this means everything.

I have been having major trust issues and my heart seriously needed to be fixed. 
Maybe you can relate? 
When you read the word trust is it a comforting feeling? Or does it bring back memories of broken trust and the pain that was left behind? Trust can be bittersweet! It leaves a little bitterness if it gets broken, but it's sure sweet when it is done right.  I have the best relationships when trust is done well. 

I have always thought that i am an incredibly trusting person, unless of course there is obvious reason not to trust. And that comes partially because I have not had anyone deeply and painfully break my trust, I open my heart easily because I haven't had anyone crush it. I'm thankful for that but I know people are people and my turn may just come, yikes!

So I trust people naturally and easily, but trusting God, now there is where I'm weak.  Let me clarify: I can trust God wholeheartedly without doubt when I am praying for a certain situation. I'll pray that God will help my sweet friend have a baby and trust that he will work in a powerful way in her life. I'll pray that god will help a struggling friend and I know he will. But what happens when I pray for my life, particularly my future, that sweet bliss of the great unknown!? That hits such a tender spot within my heart because... I totally suck at trusting God with my future. There isn't even a nicer way to say that, I really really suck. 
I KNOW God is in control of my future, I know that he knows what will happen five minutes from now or five years from now. But I've been realizing I'm not ok with what he has for me if it doesn't include my current desires. And that's a big problem because if tomorrow doesn't' go how I hope it will then I'm left disappointed. I trust God until I think that maybe what he could be doing isn't what I want or what I need. Cause I'm so smart right? ha ha

I was reading a fellow widows blog (who is so great by the way, and so inspiring) and she said this:

"i’m realizing that there’s something so safe in just fixing my eyes on Jesus and allowing HIM to sort through the rest of my life. It’s a freeing feeling to be desperately clinging to the only One who has the control in the first place. Free’s me to look around and see so many blessings all around me!"

As I finished reading the last word I could feel my breathing slow, my shoulders start to slump and my heart begin to sink. It's when I realized how much I suck at trusting God in my particular circumstances. Within my heart I knew that I did not feel free when i let God take control of all my unknown tomorrows, not because of anything God has done but because I've locked my heart into trying to convince God what he should be doing with my future. I was not letting go of my desires. 

In that shallow moment I just had to tell God how sorry I was that I had been acting like such a fool, I had the key to my own little jail and I didn't even realize it (ok totally lame analogy but it kind of fits right :-) 
My prayer went something like this, 
"God, I'm just so sorry I haven't been trusting you in this situation! I've been hoping you'd do what I want and trusting that you could do THAT but not trusting you if THAT doesn't happen. Please Lord help me not to think this way! You seriously have to help me here because that is a big jump for me to imagine letting go of my desires and trusting that your desires are even better than mine!"

And that's what I adore about the Lord, he is so brilliant at transforming hearts he went straight to work. I started reading scriptures about trusting God and he kept speaking to me through them, like in really obvious verses that I could not deny. I kept hearing him say within my heart, "Tara, I LOVE YOU, why would I ever do something in your future to hurt you? I work everything out for YOUR good and my glory. Trust me Tara, just lay it all down and trust me, I AM trustworthy. I love that when I hear God speak to my heart I never hear him beg for my trust or my love. Its just a quite confidence that is so irresistible. 

It was in the light of his love that I was able to start to trust him. Gods unconditional love swept me into his trusting arms. He allowed me to let go of my fears and helped me to fix my eyes on Jesus and not on my own desires that I don't have control of anyway! And not kidding you I feel free. I feel free from desperately hoping for something, because I know whatever God has for me will be more beautiful than i can even imagine!!! Walking in God's light is sweeter and more freeing than anything this life can offer, I get it now.  

I want God's story for my life! I commented to a friend the other day who is going through hard times, that one day we're going to be standing in Heaven looking back on our life and realizing that life really was so short and that we'll be so thankful God had HIS story play out in our lives. God's story is about hearts becoming more beautiful and lives being transformed, yes there are so many amazing and happy moments, but life doesn't always go the way we imagined. At the end of our lives what is going to be of more value?  Who we became because of our situations or what we got from them (physically speaking?)
Maybe - no for certain, the greatest joys of this life are not in our circumstances at all, but from the freedom that is found in Christ within our everyday circumstances and just letting go of the control we don't have anyway. 

I'll end with a quote from a song with amazing words. "Blessings" by Laura Story
"What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy"


Pam Newby said...


Anonymous said...

Beautifully written TAra, incredibly moving!