I took a very quick trip to portland this last week, I had to take care of a few things and I missed everyone sooo much; it was perfect timing. Sadly i didn't get to see everyone i wanted to, but there is always next time:) My amazing family watched the boys! I seriously was so happy I wanted to cry - u know those tears of joy? I am beyond thankful for all the ppl in my life, God has given me more than I could even imagine!!! So I had a great great great time and just wish Portland was closer!
I wrote this on the plane coming home. And is the continuation of part 2 to my above post:)
As I fly back from Portland this evening, I look down and it only takes a quick scan to find the 1-5. The highway where Preston died. The highway where part of me died. The highway that shattered my world and will forever b a part of my heart.
Before my trip to Portland, I had a bad flashback, I was driving home from a friends house late at night. Suddenly my eyes became fixed on the yellow stripe that runs down the middle of the road and instantly my mind was looking at the road Preston and I drove on that fateful night. I saw myself running across the road to Preston lying there, I knelt down to his side, badly scraping my knees, and all I could see was blood, fresh wounds, and the horror of the scene before me. I actually felt some of the same emotions i did that night, which may have been the most difficult part of the flashback. And then it was over.
I began to cry. Biting my lip and fighting back the loads of tears just waiting to come. I hate crying. I truly hate being sad. Then the song comes on, "give me Jesus" (Played at the funeral) and those tears that were waiting to come burst out.
But on this flight back from Portland as I look down onto I-5 i didn't see the blood or the horror, i saw me and Preston driving moments before the accident. He was holding my hand, Jake was fast asleep in the backseat. We were so enjoying each other. I had just read a book about heaven and I was telling Preston all about it (I'm still blown away by this) we talked about how incredible it would b to go to heaven (that has to be God). I remember looking at him and thinking, boy how I love this man. Minutes later he was taken home into the presence of Jesus.
As I'm writing this (on the plane) my iPod is playing the song, "Only You" by David Crowder. It was a song I had played repeatedly when the accident had first happened. One of the lines is: "It's just you and me here now (God)." and I was and still am so comforted by those words. No matter what happens God will faithfully be here with me and not only is he just here, He is molding and refining my heart into a girl who is crazy about him. I wouldn't want it any other way and even though this last three years have had its fill of sad days I can honestly say that I would not have it any other way, BECAUSE of the closeness I have experienced with God.
Nothing is better than God. Our momentary happiness is nothing in comparison to the relationship you can have with God no matter what the circumstances of your life may be.
God has lots to do in my heart yet and I know that I will still have bad days. But I am so thankful that he kept me faithful despite my wanting to give up. I have seen results within my trial. God has transformed my heart from being angry at him and feeling abandoned to craving him above anything or anyone else. And it isn't about me at all, it's about Him and the beauty, the creativity, the absolute power of Gods work in our lives. He deserves all the glory.
If he did it for me, he can do it for you! God has a vision for you, who he wants you to be in Christ and he wont' let you settle for anything less, be patient while he works, rejoice in the transformation of what he is and will do. And trust him all the way through.
"Will I believe? Do I really dare to let God be all to me that He says he will be?" (my utmost for his highest July 9th)
"Though he brings grief, he will show compassion, so great is his unfailing love" Lamentations 3:32