"Lately I have felt there was a spiritual battle going on in my life, like I kept hearing this voice say, "God doesn't love you that much, he wouldn't let you suffer so much if he really loved you." But I am determined to stay faithful to you Lord because I know that is a lie. Though the wind blows and the thunder crashes this house will not blow down. You are my great God. Please God, help me. Help me remain faithful through the storms, help me to feel your love.
Lord I have desires,
BUT I love and I want you more.
I don't understand your plan God,
BUT I trust in you, you are trustworthy
I am not going to sit around and live in the reasons I could be sad about, or dwell on what I do not have, i am going to live a full and beautiful life, me and my boys.
I look back on the past three years and i see a girl who has seen much pain. I cry for that girl, I ache for her still.
BUT I will rest in Jesus, I will hope in HIM
I will pray with confidence because I know he can do ALL things, and i will wait in eager expectation for God to bring my season of dancing.
A week later I met Kevin:)
My friend Ed worked with him and then told me he had found the perfect man for me. I was really hesitant, and more turned it into a joke, not that I doubted Ed's matchmaking skills, but I didn't know anything about this guy. That is scary for a mom with kids, you want to know something about a guy, some of his past, be friends with his friends, know a little of his character. But Ed is a good man too, he did all the hard work for me, i had no desire to meet a guy and have to tell him my whole story, that was actually something I prayed i wouldn't have to do shall i ever meet a guy. So Ed goes onto tell me he told Kevin all about my story and even showed him the insurance video that tells our whole story! He wanted to see if this guy could handle it. I thought that was pretty brutal, but Ed assures me he knew what he was doing! Kevin wasn't scared away and his good reaction to it convinced me that maybe he was worth meeting.
So as any gentleman in the 21st century would do, Kevin added me to facebook;) I found out we actually had quite a few mutual friends, so like any good mom I asked them about him and only heard great things! We talked for a few days online and really, really connected. Aside from his mad hunting skills we seemed to be a really great match;) He was hilarious, sweet, kind, loves the Lord, and is a gentleman through and through. We talked on the phone for a few days after that, our first phone conversation was 4hrs! I haven't done that..... ever:) I hung up the phone and my heart was racing, joy filled my heart and I fell asleep smiling:) This all happened the week of the three year anniversary of Preston going home, what perfect timing God.
We decided to meet, and ended up hanging out the entire day! We just hit it off right away:) Kevin is a gift giver, (I'm a fan) so for our first date he got me a gift that had me rolling with laughter. I really don't like hunting, though I love outdoors, but shooting an animal and gutting it makes me want to heave. Kevin, well he loves to hunt, and actually he makes it sound much better than I had previously thought, or maybe I'm just blinded by his charming good looks. But we turned the whole love/hate hunting relationship into a joke and were able to laugh about it. So he bought me: silicone bear skin rug coasters! they are the greatest. He also bought me a nice mug to use them with them, this boy is goood.
After that it only went up hill. Well.... aside from my children putting him through the fire, ALOT. When he met the boys they hit it off right away. Jake is usually very reserved with ppl, especially men, he clings to my leg around new ppl but when he met Kevin he was totally himself. He was more than himself he was and still is like super Jake, he just adores Kevin. He talks his ear off and really enjoys playing with him. Kevin is a big kid at heart and enjoys the boys and their toys alot, so it's a perfect match. That is such a gift in itself. i know enough woman to know not every guy likes his woman's kids. But Kevin pursued me knowing i had them and chose to embrace them as well.
But the boys have sure put him through the ringer! The first night we had a poopy pants incident, the second night one cute little two year old chugged water so much that he threw it all up:( and another day Micah had a tantrum that was so bad he cried and screamed, did the whole arching his back, i hate you mom kind of thing for over an hour. It was bliss. Music to our ears. And at the same time as the tantrum my dessert was not working out but I didn't want Kevin to know that my Martha Stewart skills were failing so I tried my best to hold it all together but all I really wanted to do was burst into tears. Micah finally calmed down but man..... that was a tough one. Dating with kids does not allow for sugarcoating anything, I cannot hide our imperfections, kids bring out the best and worst of us. So Kevin has seen us at our absolute worst and he is still choosing us. He is good at reassuring me that he is hooked and isn't going anywhere:) What a good man.
I am SO thankful for him. actually, that is an understatement. I tell God so many times throughout my day, "Seriously Lord, did you really just bless me with Kevin? THANK YOU!!!" God didn't have to, but he did. Some say I deserve someone so great, but I don't. I didn't deserve to be saved, but God is gracious and his love abounds more than my imagination can handle. God didn't have to, but he did:) And his gifts are perfect.
Kevin makes me feel safe, I feel secure and cared for. He loves the Lord MORE than me which is a huge gift. A relationship is tough work, especially with kids lol so if he can look to God and depend on God for his strength and his wisdom and i do too, we will be just fine.
Kevin prays with me each time we hang out, last night he prayed, "Lord help me to be a man worthy of this woman.... I cherish this woman.... please lead us and guide us..." I feel the same, not about me haha about him of course. He is a man who wants to serve, who wants to love with his whole heart and who is so dang good at it.
He is a man that I know without a doubt Preston would think is awesome! That's a big deal. i am closing the Preston and Tara chapter on my life more than i ever have. I guess I want to make Preston proud of my choices in life and I know he would just love Kevin. i think they would actually be great friends.
So that is my newest and greatest story! I am in awe so much, I know God has led us together so no matter what happens when God is involved there it will be ok. Which is why i feel confident telling you all this. You can pray for us though:) We are so thankful for your prayers always!
"God has turned my mourning into dancing:) I am so thankful for the gifts God has given! There is a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance. The season of dancing is here:) God is so good!! No matter what you are going through, put your hope in Jesus alone.