Monday, August 12, 2013

Trips, Lies and Freedom

Happy Summer to ya'll!!!! (i just came back from a week with our American family and ya'll just has a cute way of sticking to my vocab:)

I can hardly believe summer is flying by. I'm trying to think of ways I can make it slow down so that my eldest doesn't have to start grade 1! There is something about grade one that says he is growing up WAY too fast!

We just got to spend a week with Preston's family in western Montana, on Flathead lake! Have you been there? I had not even heard of it but it is incredible! It was SO beautiful!
Kevin hadn't met Preston's family yet so this was a first for him! Everyone got along so well and you could just feel the presence of the Lord in every heart there:)

Glacier National Park - AMAZING! 

The boys and their cousin! 

Right before we drove to meet up with them we were staying with my dear friend Shelly and her family in Washington for a couple days. Shelly and I have been close for a long time! We had our babies at the same time and after Preston passed away she was a tremendous source of strength! She was a shoulder to cry on, a friend to laugh with and our hearts were bonded forever.  So it only made sense that we absolutely had to stay with them on our way towards Montana! 

Me and Shelly! 

The last morning we were there I found out i wasn't pregnant, again:( That was such a downer for me (as we have been trying for quite awhile). 
The blog I missed posting the last couple months was one I didn't have any desire to post because I was too sad.... 
Last blog I told you how we were trying to get pregnant, well...  
And then we lost it. 
I had an early miscarriage at 6weeks. But it still hurt. Early or not. And when you try for any number of months and it finally works and then you lose the baby.... the disappointment is great.
I was confused and my heart was so so broken. 
YET out of the pain my heart and Kevin's became tangled like never before and we are so much stronger today! We had to make the choice to grow together and with God's strength and guidance we did it really well! So even if that was the only good thing i ever see come out of that painful time I am so thankful for that. And knowing we can conceive is a blessing too. 

But countless people told me that they got pregnant right after a miscarriage! And I am the most hopeful person I know (haha) so when it didn't happen i was seriously broken. The thing about any grief journey, or any journey of that same feeling over and over, the countless days of waiting for relief, the unknown and pain... 
IT IS EXHAUSTING!!!!!! Emotionally I am so tired of it.  

So the trip from Shelly's house to Montana was sad for me. I cried alot. I just can't hold things in, my poor family! but the good thing is that I get it out and then I work through it and I move on. So driving in a car didn't enable me to "get away" and i couldn't hold back the tears, but God was working on my heart even then, working on a very angry angry heart!  

Over the next week God took me on this journey that I didn't expect. That's the beauty of a heart sold out to Jesus. It is easy as a Christian to keep Jesus at a distance, but when you come into complete closeness with Jesus that is when you find FREEDOM! 

Over the last year there has been three things I have struggled with. I'm going to be short and brief with them so you get the main point I'm trying to make. They are life changers so READ ON! I will never be the same. I love how the Lord unwraps us in layers, ever so gently, mending the broken as he goes and restoring us to complete FULLNESS in HIM!

I was hearing lies from the enemy: Oh does he get you when you are down. 

Lie numéro 2: God has forgotten me
Really, I knew that wasn't true, i knew all these lies weren't true but I got caught up thinking that MAYBE they were!  But God isnt' satisfied with MAYBE and he revealed TRUTH again in this area.

Often in my hurt and anger and confusion as to just what the Lord is doing by allowing this pain I push him away. Often just by not praying or worshiping Him when that is the very thing that brings you out of your state of mind. When I draw near to the Lord I ALWAYS find that he never left, he just had a different plan than I did and I was too stubborn to let myself be open to it bc it was different than what I had planned. Yet again i was missing the freedom he was trying to show me. He IS faithful and if we allow him to he will renew and restore our broken hearts.  Even if that means playing worship music and let the words be your prayer because you have nothing left, that's OK!! God only wants to meet with you, he nudges us, and calls to us but he isnt' going to force you. 
"Because your love is better than life my lips will glorify you." - ps 63:3

Lie numero 3: I was doubting God, and hearing,"you can't really trust God" (THIS IS HUGE)
Well first, looking back on my personal monuments - those times when God was faithful in life and reading the Bible tells me he is trust worthy. But when I start doubting him do you know what we are actually doing? We are MAKING up a God who absolutely does NOT exist. I am making up a God BASED on MY feelings and not based on his character and what the Bible clearly says about HIM. God does not change, I do, but he does not. He is there 100% of the time. You need to remind yourself what you KNOW IS true, over and over, and over through reading scripture, and memorizing it. My favourite thing to do lately is to listen to the Bible because let's be honest, kids and quiet time don't go well together! I have the Bible app - 'You version' and you can audibly listen to any chapter you like. I suggest doing a reading program through the bible and the app has plenty to choose from! Let it play and be renewed as you see God's faithfulness through scripture. 

Lie numero 4: FEAR
bam bam bam! Oh fear.. rearing it's little ugly head SO many times this year. I fear my kids will die, i fear Kevin will die, or my family, or that I won't have another baby with my beloved. I fear watching someone die again, I fear injury of any kind... the list could go on but shall we not dwell;)
The truth the Lord revealed to me was the obvious, 
"There is NO fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear..." 1 john 4:18
SO when I am fearing then I am NOT resting in God bc God IS Love (1 john 4:16)
When I am spending time with Jesus then I rest in him and I don't fear, i am so connected with the Father and I am able to give ALL to him all the time because we're in constant conversation. And the gift he gives me when I give him my fear? He satisfies me with his love. (bc when you give him something, he replaces the place fear was taking with a gift from him:)  
"For God has not give us a spirit of FEAR, but of power and of love and of a SOUND mind." 2 timothy 1:7 You don't have to fear or worry! It is a choice! 

So keep walking my friends! One day at a time. God's grace is sufficient for today. Ask Jesus to carry you when you can't do one more second of your journey. SOAK yourself in Him, even when you feel like sulking or sleeping, or just staying mad, because He WILL restore you and bring you OUT of the fire, refined like silver:)


Christa Michelle Vanderham said...

A thousand thank-you's for writing so transparently and beautifully. Your transparent words stir something deep inside those who read them because they resonate with our own lives in different ways!
Just wanted to say thanks for writing, because God BLESSED me through it!
Big hugs next time I see ya! Maybe we can get together before the Summer is through!
Until then, you have someone else praying for you more frequently now :)

Robin Flaten said...

You are always such an inspiration to me. You shine bright. I really appreciate your ability to share and be real. Your message makes a difference in the lives of people as you allow God's grace to flow through your words. It touches the heart. Thank-you dear Tara! I pray for you!❤

glenda said...

So sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing. Praying that soon you will be blessed with a little one. In God's time.

Anonymous said...

It has been quite awhile since I followed your blog, but something told me to check it today. Now I know why, I also had an early miscarriage recently. It broke me. I was consumed with sadness. And I was angry at God. Very. Your post was the very thing I needed to hear and a reminder that God loves me. He never left me and he is listening. How funny and beautiful that he should speak through your blog.