Sunday, January 26, 2014

Fertility struggles

I was recently talking with a friend who has walked the fertility journey and she said, "I wish more people were open to talk about their infertility" it can be such a lonely journey.  (Note I wrote this blog last month) So... here I am to talk!! (I soo appreciate those of you who have reached out to me who have been there!!)

The pain of fertility struggle Is a constant journey, which is not easy to just lay to the side. I really, really wish it was... but like every journey it can grow you or make you stagnant, the choice is yours!! 

People have tried to be helpful and I think it's so kind of them but it doesn't fix anything other than knowing u have friends who really care.  Some say, stop trying and it will happen:-) :-) Yet they have never walked in these shoes and tried to stop! I have tried and it's so soo hard!

It's the pain that effects me most. Isn't anything hard like that?  The highs and lows "roller coaster" tend to drag us lower because they are discouraging?
You try to get pregnant and are crazy hopeful! But then your hopes are dashed. The same process over and over, month after month.
And all the while you watch many of your friends get pregnant and then have their beautiful bundles. And While you are happy for them it stings, it's a trigger to a bullet of remembering your pain.

I have a wonderful life, two incredible boys and a loving affectionate husband.  I have nothing to complain about and everything to be thankful for. And I do!!!
Yet I can't run from my sadness when I'm not pregnant. I always wanted a big family! When Preston died it was obviously not going to happen like I imagined.
And when you get the chance to do it again the excitement is maybe that much more intense because you have waited and hoped you would get another chance at that dream of more kids (and a hubby!!!)

Nothing physically is wrong with either of us, the dr, who is one of the best fertility doctors In our area says we are better than normal and it should happen!

This month we were going to take a break from trying because it's so emotionally exhausting. But one night I just couldn't sleep...
 I read this blog:

"Fear is the beginning of faith" (Ann Voskamp, Aholyexperience blog)

And what really gripped me was how I was allowing fear to wash over me instead of faith. I wasn't, as she says, stepping through the ring of fire to my father on the other side where freedom waits.

So I gave my fear to God.  All the messy ugliness, the deep fear of more pain.  And you know the best part of letting go to a living God?
His immense love for us wants To give us something in it's place. Other wise there is space for something not as healthy to come in.  Truly, we worship an incredible God who meets all our needs.

So I asked him what he wanted to give me and right away I knew, first was a confidence in His character and second, rest. Tara I just want to give you rest, literally!! In this moment I'm going to help you fall asleep, aka STOP THINKING!!  And I lay down and I felt this warmth come over me like a soft blanket... And I fell into a deep deep sleep. I woke up feeling confident in WHO I'm trusting. Which I have always said, the more you KNOW God, the more you TRUST in him.

God wants us to rest in him, While we wait for something and while we live day to day. There are plenty of opportunities to rest in Him on this entire journey of life, we just have to step into his rest.

How often do we choose fear over faith? A lot!
We tend to do things we are really good at because we know we can't mess them up. But do those things grow us? Do they stretch us if we know how to do them so well?
Not really.  And we need to be stretched so we can grow in our faith, in our characters and open ourselves up into who God created us to be!

Jump through the ring of fire (fear) with me and into faith and try something new.
 What is The Lord asking you to do? Maybe it's like me and you need to start accepting what's going on in your life this day and not fear the future  because you know you have a good, trustworthy God leading and comforting you.  Let him use your pain, serve someone you wouldn't normally reach out to.
Make a meal for a neighbour, get involved at your church.. Ask God to show you how to step out in faith.
Because I guarantee you that you won't regret it.

I was afraid of finding out I'm not pregnant again so I just wanted to quit. But today I'm in a different spot. I know this month I may not be pregnant but I'm holding onto Gods character to get me through.

Job questioned God, he asked him the whys and God didn't tell him why he had allowed him to suffer so deeply. And you know what? Job was ok with that!! WHAT?!? 

I had to ask myself the same thing, am I ok with never knowing in this life why I lost Preston?
Am I ok with never knowing why we have struggled with fertility?

Ya. I actually am.
Life is short. Soon enough I will be standing before him and I'll understand and I have peace about that.

And while we live we enjoy what he has blessed us with and trust that Gods plan is greater than we know.
Ask God to make that truth to you! Ask him to take away your doubts, and replace it with more faith & more trust in HIM. 

So if you are going through fertility struggles or have in the past you are not alone and you DID NOT go through that or are facing this for nothing! God does not love you less. The pain we endure can always be moulded for better, and trust me, if you choose to face the pain and hold your saviours hand through it you WILL BE renewed and restored and you will find peace and discover more of who you were created to be and then.... you will be thankful for the hard journey you walk(ed).  

"We rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us. (Romans 5:3-5 ESV)

this is my theme song this year: walk with me, we can do this! No matter your journey and KEEP moving forward with Christ!!!

Rend Collective Experiment - Movements


Giselle said...

You are a blessing to me and not just because I'm your mom. What a work God has done and is doing in you - how He uses you everyday in the lives of so many. Suffering is hard and painful, but I know that the depth of your faith and maturity in Him is a result of those trials. None of us want those storms in life, but we are richer for having gone through them and most blessed when in the end, our hand is still firmly in His. Thank you for your rich testimony. <3

glenda said...

Praying for you that through these storms you become more peaceful and stronger.

Aaron-Allison Brouwer said...

I continue to pray for you through this journey. Have you read the book "What Women Fear" by Angie Smith? I am a few chapters in and so far I think it is quite good.

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