We hope for things and then we wait.
In the waiting a lot happens.
We realize that we aren't entirely in control and we can't change certain things about life.
We either collapse in the wait, under the pressure of hope deferred. This can lead to bitterness and anger and frustration.
Or we can take the other road and cling to Jesus all of the time and be restful in HIM.
Or... we do a little of both as I certainly have.
It is almost two years since we have struggled getting pregnant. Small to some BIG to others, like me.
Death met us 6yrs ago, and then a season of refreshment - remarriage, and then trial again. And now I find myself pleading with the Lord for another season of renewal and refreshment.
But is it possible to still be renewed and refreshed and even RESTORED in the midst of long painful trial? Living with the struggles that might not go away...
How can you let it go? can you walk away from the pain mentally?
Can we just blend it all together? God and pain and living with joy. Real joy not the fake I'm trying but it just never comes joy. Real authentic joy.
God taught me this lately: Tara, can you wait in expectation? OH YA i can!!! I wait for the big fat positive sign every month! I wait for K and I to work through our stuff all the time. I wait for kids not to wet their beds and i wait for my back pain to go away. I wait for my pink carpet to roll up and be replaced with hard wood. I also wait for my house to clean itself;-)
No Tara, Can you wait in expectation for ME? The I AM. The Alpha and the Omega? Can you wait in expectation for your Savior?
Well.... umm of course. hmmm... i mean what exactly do you mean Lord? Like wait for you to stop this season of pain? Oh ya I'm already doing that!
Tara, I was there when you were a small child, i was there when you were 16 and slightly wild, I was there when you lost Preston, i was there when you met Kevin, i was there and I was in it, at every fork in the road and every calm path, I AM and I AM NOW and I WILL BE. Always and forever... always HERE with you. ALWAYS. got it?
Ok... wow... i mean i knew that didn't I?
Tara, never will i leave you, never will i forsake you, I created you, with your passion, your fire, your creative soul, your energy, your emotion. I love who I made!
And I want you to see all I have done IN YOU. The character I have grown in you, the faith I have risen up in you....
Yes Lord! YES I totally see that, and I LOVE what you have done through all my pain. I love it and that is my favourite gift I have ever received beyond YOU saving me - The work you have done IN ME.
Then Tara, can you wait in expectation for more of that? I know your desires, guess what? I gave you them. But I know what I am doing and for now I want you to wait for me. Wait to see what I do spiritually in you, expect the growth. Next time you are disappointed wait for me to show up, I always do. Make your disappointment an opportunity to see ME because you will. I will shatter the lies and bring forth my truth, I will sing over you and calm your soul. I will restore you and renew you and I will get the glory for that Tara, and guess what? I am most glorified when you are most satisfied in me. And when I'm glorified, you are most satisfied.
Can you wait for me Tara to work in you? Instead of waiting for this season to be over?
Yes Lord, I can't imagine anything sweeter.
Waiting in expectation for God to work in your soul, rest while you wait and seek his face always because like he told me HE will ALWAYS show up and restore and renew. And believe it or not, that is good enough, it is the greatest gift we will ever have this side of heaven. :) If you don't' believe it, I am already praying over those who are reading this who don't believe JESUS is enough, so there you go, you already have a head start:)
I'm waiting Lord, oh am I ever waiting!!!